Trends of the Past

Today didn't go exactly as planned.

A friend who I had not caught up with in a while asked to meet up, and we ended up spending 4 hours together. Then my father needed some help with some errands, so that took a few hours out of my day as well.

I ended up being late for CrossFit, which I was a bit disappointed by, but y'know, family comes first. Still, I made it, and my Coach made me do 7-min of straight burpees pretty much as soon as I walked in. I managed to do 80. That's by far the most I've ever done in a row. After that I had a 45-minutes boxing session, which felt great as always.


My thoughts for today were centered around how much past habits, trends, and experiences influence how we are at the moment -- and wondering how possible it is to move away from the negative things that have happened in our past in order for it not to lead to a negative present/future. A lot of these thoughts definitely stemmed from my conversation with my friend this morning as well as having my dad around the house and all the conflicts we've been having over eating patterns.

I spent many years being haunted by my past experiences. Whether it's because of what someone somewhere said to me - being teased, being hurt, being betrayed ... there have been life circumstances - certain childhood traumas, going through an invasion/war ... as well as family habits - using food as reward and celebration and not focusing on healthy eating habits.

I feel quite overwhelmed when I think about those things. There is so much that happened in the past ... but that's the thing I need to remember - it was the PAST.

I'm in a different place now.

In fact, I'm in a really different place than when I first started this blog just over a year ago.

Seeing these changes have been positive. They've given me the confidence to keep moving forward and not look back. So what if things happened to me? I'm not saying that they're not significant events - I've had different levels of trauma and abuse - but what's been the biggest change has been letting go of the fear that has been associated with those events.

They are in the past. I no longer need to be afraid of them because they've already happened -- and here I am. I have survived.

It's so easy to blame the past for how things are going right now. There may be some factors at play, but I don't want to get caught up in the fact that since chocolate was used as a reward when I was a child I need to have it now to celebrate because it brings back positive memories.

That's bullshit.

I'm an adult now. Surely, my thinking process has changed beyond the immediate gratification that we desire as children.

The switch in mentality didn't happen overnight. It's been a long process and not always a conscious one. In fact, the changes in my habits now didn't result from me directly thinking about the relationship between my past & present.

It was just about what I wanted NOW and what I needed to do to get it.

It was only after that realization that my current goals were so important to me that I decided to just move forward and work towards them.

It was this movement that helped me leave the past behind.

What happened before will always be a part of my life, but there is no need for it to be part of my present or future, especially not in a way that is negatively affecting my quality of life.

The difference between my dad's attitude towards food and mine has really illuminated how much I've changed ... for the better. I'm happy with those changes even if it means that I'll have to continue saying - No, I don't eat bread. No, I don't eat sugar. - Maybe one day it'll sink in, and even if it doesn't, I've realized it doesn't matter.

I'm living this life for me.
Right here. Right now.