Feeling Good

Today was one of those days where everything just seemed to turn out well.

I wore an outfit today to work that got several, several compliments - simple black bootleg trousers from the GAP and a sweater top from Top Shop (which is in the smallest size I own at the moment!). Some of my colleagues, who see me on a daily basis, didn't just make a passing comment about how I looked or my weight loss, but were surprised at the transformation. I hadn't realized the outfit was that flattering, though I admit that I felt good in it (it's the trousers and 5 inch heels that I think really did it!). Of course the compliments made me feel good.

I was a bit annoyed that I missed Body Balance class since I didn't finish work on time, but that gave me the chance to quickly meet with one of my friends who happens to be one of the top Muay Thai guys in Kuwait. I'd love to train with him, but I know I'm not ready ... yet. In the meantime he gave me some tips on how to strengthen my wrists because I feel like that's where I need the most work (along with staying firm in my stance) in terms of boxing/kickboxing.

I then had a few hours at home to catch up on some work as well as relax before heading out to kickboxing class.

For the past 3 weeks only me and one other guy have been showing up for kickboxing. It's been quite a challenge because we hold the boxing pads up for one another. Boy do my shoulders get a workout when he hits those pads. There were some punches last night that I thought were really going to take my right arm off. Still, it made me stand firmer in my stance and really focus on steeling myself to receiving the punches - definitely a good arm and shoulder workout! We also did a lot of moving pad work - the coach had me all over the gym floor. It is quite a challenge to stay strong in your stance, continue focusing on the power behind punches, as well as keep your guard up - not to mention make proper contact - as you're moving around so fast. It was a great drill. Some of my punches have really improved, though I seemed to be struggling with my left hook today.

In the middle of it all (I'm backtracking a little), an much anticipated package arrived for me.

I'll be traveling for part 2 of my best friend's wedding (the same friend who got married in Germany back in October). Since this ceremony will be taking place in India, I asked one of my friend's who is a fashion designer in Bangladesh if she could pick up an outfit for me. Instead of buying one off the rack, she asked for my measurements and designed and tailor-made an outfit for me. I asked her for the outfit 9 days ago so I was really tense about her being able to finish the outfit (she was embroidering stuff by hand) receiving it on time. It was supposed to arrive tomorrow, but - thank you DHL - it arrived today!! I was so nervous about it fitting right, especially since I just texted her my measurements, but it fit like a glove and I have to say, I felt like a princess. I'm so excited to be wearing the outfit next week!! [Pictures will have to wait until then.]

My day finished off with a lovely dinner with friends I hadn't gotten together with in a while. We went to a steakhouse, and had steak as well as baked parsnips. I think I can officially say that I am no longer a vegetarian (or pescatarian) as I've had meat 3 times already this week! We'll see how that pans out. Anyway. It was a really satisfying, good day :)

My outfit for the night - loving my new Desigual coat and Dune polka-dot heels (though they are hidden by the trousers).

A closer look at the shoes :)

Eating Habits

"Each meal is a new opportunity to eat nutritiously" - Women's Health

This quote came up on my Twitter feed earlier today - what a great quote. Every second of our day is a chance to make a change, to do something different, to finally take action towards reaching those goals that we really, really want to reach ... and we all really, really want to get healthy, right?

Messed up on breakfast? Don't mess up on lunch. Messed up on lunch? Don't mess up on dinner.

The downward spiral can be deadly. You have to be in control -- and that's one of the great things about eating habits - we are in control of what we choose to eat. Nobody is ever forcing us to eat a chocolate bar, bag of chips, a deep-fried meal. Those are entirely our choices - and with such choices are consequences. Don't let a cheat/special occasion meal turn into a cheat day (or worse yet, couple of days, a week, or more). 

I understand about the struggle with food. I've been there for years. I'm still there, but I think I'm finally smartening up. I still falter with choices, and I know that I have a really hard time resisting junk food if it's in the house. Luckily, there's a simple solution to that - don't bring that junk in the house! It's amazing how you think of healthy alternatives to soothing those hunger pains when you don't have ingredients like cheese, butter, sugar in the house (let alone pre-packaged foods that are full of sodium and other preservatives).

I didn't cut foods out of my diet, but I changed my diet drastically. I never said to myself, 'Don't eat any chocolate.' I just didn't eat it - it wasn't about restricting myself or as some like to put it, depriving myself - it was just about making better choices.

Each time the number on the scale doesn't go down I know that I have to make better choices. Each time I struggle with my workouts - whether it's running, pilates, swimming, or CrossFit, I know I have to reexamine what I eat.

Food = Fuel

Eating healthy foods will help me have better workouts -- and having better workouts makes me feel happy, strong, and confident - who can say that those are things they don't want? That's a positive upward spiral I want to be on!

I just want to make smarter choices each day - with each meal. So, to take that ambition to another level, today I registered with the International Sports Science Association for a Fitness Nutrition Certification course. We all know the basics of healthy eating (Eat This, Not That should be common sense), but I want to know more. Plus, I gotta know what I'm talking about if I'm going to 'preach' about it ... and if I'm going to 'preach' about it, you better believe I gotta practice it!

Let's see how it goes!

Another CrossFit session today - my right quadricep muscle was still quite achy from the squats I did on Sunday and Monday -- but had to push through.

Warm-up:
5 minutes of jump rope - getting better at those double-unders, though still haven't managed any in a row yet
3 rounds of 10 full-body squats/10 burpees

Strength Skill: Squats
Overhead Squats: The overhead squats kicked my ass today. I just didn't feel focused and my legs felt wobbly. I managed to go up to 40 kg (88 lbs.) but really struggled; I was much better at 35 kg (77 lbs.)
Front Squats: I managed to reach a new PR of 65 kg (143 lbs.) - for me the toughest part of this exercise is keeping my elbows high; plus the bar is heavy on my collarbone - I have a feeling I may have a bruise or two tomorrow
Back Squats: Another new PR for me - 75 kg (165 lbs.)

Even though I did well, I couldn't help but feel disappointed in the overhead squats. I know I can lift that weight, but I just couldn't put the movement together -- still, trying to focus on the positives -- I'll get there if I keep working at it.

WOD - As many rounds as possible in 10 min
30 crunches
20 push ups
100 jump rope skips
15 pull ups
15 ring pull ups (not sure of the name)

Another good day at the CrossFit Q8 Box!

Practicing my Exercises

I'm so glad I enjoy going to the gym. In the beginning I was really obsessed with burning calories - and I mean really obsessed. At the end of each workout, my elation or frustrated depended entirely on the number of calories burned (and you know those machines aren't accurate anyway!). I didn't get any satisfaction from the exercises; it was just about the number. Taking it to that level ended up being a form of psychological torture for me, though it took me a long time to figure that out.

In my obsession with the numbers, I never really took the time to enjoy what I was doing and notice any progress. I did lose weight, but I didn't notice whether or not I had become faster or stronger.

Now, it's entirely different. I do wear a heart-rate monitor to give me a general idea of how many calories I burned, but I don't use it to measure the success or failure of a workout. I also don't use the number of calories to try to negotiate my food intake. I don't exercise so that I can eat more. I do, however, eat slightly differently depending on my workout of the day - intense/mild/none. I still have work to do on eating right, but my perspective on that is continuing to improve on a daily basis. It's my outlook and approach to exercise, however, that has changed dramatically, particularly after completing the New Rules of Lifting for Women weights program and now with CrossFit.

Completing the New Rules of Lifting for Women program was one of the best gym experiences I've had. I bought the book and completed the 7-stage program. I trusted the program. I did the best I could, and I got amazing results. I am so much stronger now that I ever was before. My body shape has changed a lot. Most of all, I am so much more confident in the gym (and in my regular life as well). I'm no longer afraid to pick up heavier weights or at least try an exercise that looked intimidating before. I remember that I would refuse to do burpees properly at the gym. I was too afraid of failing at them, so I would modify the exercise and just be 'satisfied' with that. One day, at home, I told myself - Right. Stop being ridiculous. Try a proper one right now. There's nobody here to judge you, criticize you, mock you. Just do it. I did.

That one little action really changed my attitude.

There are still many exercises that I find intimidating, but I don't shy away from them. I give them a go. If my body is not ready for it, then that's fine - but I'll give it a go.

This attitude has brought me to my newest phase -- not just exercising, but practicing as well.

CrossFit has opened up a whole new range of challenges for me. It's pushed me to a level that I never thought I could go to before. I struggle during each session, but I keep trying ... and I can't wait to successfully conquer all the exercises ... but the only way that's going to happen is to practice.

So now, I workout at the CrossFit box and I do my workouts at the gym, mainly boxing and C25K, but I also practice.

Running Practice: I categorize my whole C25K attempt as my practice for running since it gradually helps you build up your endurance.

Boxing Practice: My right arm is strong so I love throwing punches with my right arm ... but I've scaled back a bit and am focusing more on my left arm. I also practice my upper cuts - both right and left - because right now I look so ridiculous doing them that if I was ever going to attack someone with my upper cut they'd just burst out laughing (potential defense strategy!) ;)

CrossFit Practice: Box jumps; pull ups; double unders; burpees -- there are other moves that I need to practice, but these are the 4 exercises that I'm working on right now. I struggle with all of them, but as I even with a few days of practice I notice improvement already. Bit by bit they're getting better.

Although I want to be successful right now in all these moves, I'm finally taking the time to enjoy the process of practicing my exercises and seeing myself improve.

It's no longer about the number. It really is about working to reach my potential. What more of a confidence booster could you ask for?

Physical vs. Mental

Those cramps that I was so happy not to be feeling yesterday came in today with a vengeance and had me doubled over in pain. This time I'm determined not to let it get me mentally down because it can be so demoralizing and depressing. I want to keep the physical pain separate from the mental anguish. When the two go together, I really do fall into a miserable state.

I think making this distinction was a very important step for me, especially when I know that this pain is something I'll have to endure on a regular basis. I know that some days (like today) the pain will truly be too much for me to push through. On these kinds of days I plan on resting and making the best choices possible in all other areas of my life.

I've definitely gotten better at listening to my body. Sometimes there's a fine line between feeling pain/discomfort but pushing through any way and feeling pain/discomfort but knowing it's time to back off. I can't always tell the difference. I do think that it's easy to fall into the trap of backing off without giving it your all. Still, I'm trying. I know that I would much rather be exercising than resting, so I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure that I get my workout in whenever possible.

The other part of this lesson is what I mentioned above - distinguishing between physical pain and mental anguish. I need to keep the two separate. Falling into depression and remembering all those things that brought me down post-surgery is dangerous. This time I'm trying not to let my mind wander into that dark place. I feel pain. Fine. I feel pain. I do not need to let the negative thoughts add to the pain.

I know that I cannot keep letting myself spiral downwards on a monthly basis. It takes way too much effort to pick myself up again. I don't want to waste that type of time anymore. There are so many other things that need my attention.

Today marks the start of my attempt at this new attitude.

When I woke up this morning, I was in so much pain - I couldn't even rank it on a scale. Still, I put my clothes together in my gym bag, just in case. I took it easy leaving the house and told myself - get some errands done. They'll be a distraction. If I can make it to the gym, great. If not, then at least get other things done. That's what ended up happening. I managed to cross of eleven things on my list of things to do. I rested this afternoon, and then made some Marrakesh Vegetable 'Curry' as well as some quinoa mixed with peas and carrots for dinner. I did have to take 6 painkillers to get me through the day, but other than that, I feel like I accomplished a lot. I'm taking my final 2 painkillers now and heading to bed for an early night. Fingers crossed that I feel both physically and mentally strong tomorrow.

Awesome Day

I woke up at 8 a.m. today.
I got a total of 8 hours of sleep!
As someone who suffers from chronic insomnia (average of 4 hours of sleep a night, 5 if I'm lucky), 8 hours is phenomenal. Even D said he was shocked at how deeply I was sleeping this morning.

I got up and made scrambled egg whites with a bit of tomato salsa and 2 slices of wholewheat toast.

I had a few errands to run today, but then I decided, the hell with it. I'm staying home.

So I stayed home, put on Private Practice, and continued going through the mountains of papers in my office. As more and more papers were put into the recycling bin, the better I felt. It was so cathartic.

For lunch I had some quinoa with red bell peppers and grilled sweet potato.

At 4 p.m. I left the house and headed to the CrossFit training center.

Yup. Today was my first proper CrossFit training day.

I had no idea what to expect.

I got to the building and went down to the basement.

The floor had been covered in the foam mats that are normally found in the weight-lifting section of gyms and there were all sorts of equipment around the room. It was such a stark contrast from my regular gym, which is all shiny, clean, and organized. This was rustic and gritty. I loved it.

So, here are the details of the workout (skip if you're not interested in the details):

Warm-ups involved jump rope, walking lunges, and jumping on one foot through a ladder type rope that was placed on the floor.

We then moved on chest presses (I pushed 40 kg (about 80 lbs) for the last 3 sets of 3 reps) and pull ups with a resistance band -- talk about new experience!! It was a bit scary to be honest - step on the resistance band with one leg, cross the other leg over, and then jump up to the bar and hope that the band helps enough to help you do the pull ups. I don't think I did very well, but I tried and completed all the sets.

After doing that I understood why I've read in some CrossFit sites - My warm-up is your workout. We were already working up a sweat but we hadn't even started the WOD (workout of the day).

Today's WOD - 15 minutes, as many rounds as possible - 15 high intensity push ups, 15 burpees (ugh), 15 some form of ab crunches (I forgot the proper name), and 10 jump squats. We completed almost 3 rounds of all the exercises.

The 'After Party' was 3 minutes of box jumps.

It was great. I loved it. I struggled with quite a few things, particularly the burpees. I definitely wasn't as  fast as I would have liked to have been. Still, I'm trying not to get frustrated and just remind myself that today was the first day and I'm going to keep working at it to see the improvements that I want.

I only had an hour before heading over to KD's (my body pump instructor) house for dinner. I was looking forward to some time to just chill and have fun - plus eat! I was starving by the time I got there.

The last thing I expected when I walked through the door was a massive banner and balloons everywhere that even had my name printed on it ... all saying congratulations. I was moved beyond belief. Everyone had their glasses raised and were congratulating me ... I was speechless and so touched. It was perfect.

All my life I've done things for others, arranged surprise parties, looked for ways to make them feel special, etc. I've done it. I've enjoyed doing it.

This is foreign territory to me - having someone put so much care and thought into arranging something so special for me. All I could think was - What have I done to deserve this?

I felt really, really loved ... and so very content.

Unwinding

It all still hasn't hit me yet but I guess that's normal since it is an almost 5-year chapter of my life that has come to an end. The whole experience was surreal and the whole 3-hour ordeal was over in what felt like 15 minutes. I was so pleased and proud of my their response to my writing and they way I handled their grilling (their terminology). I feel like most of the past 5 years has been spent doubting my capabilities and feeling like I wasn't smart enough to pull this off. Having two experts in the field praise me so highly has given me a much needed boost and I can finally say that I do feel proud. I did earn this.

This feeling reminds me of the song by Kate Earl - Learning to Fly.
I've always wanted to reach a moment where I could feel this type of pride. I am so thankful for how it has all gone. I am so thankful that I feel I have earned this moment.

Learning to Fly - Kate Earl

I've made mistakes 
But I won't be ashamed 
It feels like fate is lifting me 
I can't seem to keep my feet on the ground 
I no longer hide 
So I let the sun wash over me 
Cause there's no darkness left to hold me down 
And I feel it's light 
And I found the spark that was missing from my life. 


I've earned these wings I was not born with them 
And it's no accident 
How I walked through the rain and the fire 
Cause it taught me how to love 
It taught me how to fight 
And finally I'm learning to fly 

----

Listen to it if you get the chance. Off to the gym this morning for a final workout before leaving Canterbury. I'll be in London for a mega-shopping spree, so that will count as both my cardio and weight lifting for the next two days :)

Working it In

I knew earlier this week that today would not be a 'normal' day -- first of all, I don't usually work Wednesdays, but today my students have a test, so I have to go in. Second of all, I'm both taking my mom to work and picking her up ... and then taking her to physiotherapy later this afternoon, so my a lot of my day will be taken up just sitting in my car. The thing that has been worrying me is ... when do I fit in my workout? My plan for Wednesdays is just 1-hour cardio. So it was just about figuring out when to fit it in ...

I've said before in my posts that anything that disrupts any part of my routine can throw me quite off balance. I've been trying to work on this lately. Life happens. It doesn't mean other parts of my life need to stop, it just means I need to be flexible and not see one, two, or three obstacles as a sign that my focus on fitness needs to stop!

So this morning, instead of rushing to the gym at 6:30 in the morning, I got the chance to stay home --- it was quite lovely to be honest. The silence of the neighborhood, the overall tranquility, the extra time -- yes, it was terrific! I also managed to squeeze in an extra hour of sleep which felt fantastic after yesterday's long day/workouts.

Since I knew the rest of the day would be busy, I took the opportunity to get dinner ready -- tuna loaf tonight (will post the recipe) - low calorie and delicious. Can be kept in the fridge for the day, and will just need to be baked for 45 minutes tonight. Perfect for a hectic day.

I'm glad I had the chance to rest that extra hour because once I left the house, it was pretty much non-stop rushing around all day. I'm happy to say that I did manage to make it to they gym. As soon as my students finished their test I grabbed their papers, rushed to my car, and booked it to the gym. Although I knew I only needed an hour for my workout it's the other stuff that also needs to be taken into consideration in terms of how long the whole workout process takes - starting from the drive to the gym, changing into workout clothes, then the actual workout, followed by showering etc. etc. Anyway. I'm just happy that I managed to finish my 8 km on the cross-trainer and burn those calories. I didn't push it too hard today because I knew that I worked out quite a bit yesterday ... and I have a long workout planned for tomorrow too. I consider today to be more of an 'active recovery' day.

The highlight of my day was definitely the 1 hour I got to sit outside, enjoying the lovely sun and breeze, while mom was in physiotherapy. I've been reading through my thesis and I'm quite relieved that I don't hate it :) During the writing process there were many, many, many times when I just wanted to hit the delete button because I thought it sucked. So, yes, not hating what I've written has been making me feel better about my upcoming defense -- exactly one month from now!

Despite the rushed day, I'm ending it feeling positive and calm ... and hungry! Mmm that tuna loaf in the oven smells good :) Will post the recipe soon!

If you want to see change ...

... you've got to take steps to change.

I was talking to my students (university students studying English) today about their achievement so far in class. A number of them did not do as well on their midterm exam as they had hoped. So I asked them the ever important question -- did you do everything you could to prepare for the midterm? This would involve taking the time to do the practice exercises, going over their answers to make sure they understood why they made mistakes, looking up words they didn't know, coming to me to ask questions about things they still didn't understand, and above all - learning from their mistakes.

If they didn't take these steps, or do anything at all to help them improve, then was it realistic for them to see change?

You won't see the results if you don't put in the effort.

After class I had a phone conference with my PhD supervisor (who lives in England). It was the first time I was speaking to him since I submitted my thesis, and I was really nervous. It was a relief to hear him say that he thought the thesis was fantastic ... and it was a good reminder for me when he said -- the key to surviving and passing your defense is to take responsibility for your work. You did this research. You did the analysis. Now stick by it and defend yourself. The thesis represents all the work I've done. I need to be confident in myself and my work that I did everything possible to do a good job.

There it was again -- take responsibility.

Your final product represents all the work you've put into it - take responsibility for your work.

I feel like the exact same ideas apply for weight loss.

If you don't put in the effort, things won't change.

If you haven't put in the work, then it will show ... at least with weight loss the journey isn't done, but I know that every weigh in will reflect the work I've been putting in at the gym and the food I've been putting in my stomach.

I'm sure we've all done the math -- you need to burn 3,500 calories to lose 1 lb of fat. Of course that is combined with watching what you eat, exercising, and a whole host of other factors.

I'm sure that even after doing all the math, sometimes the numbers don't add up -- because there are other factors that come into the picture -- metabolism, hours of sleep, water intake, nutrition (not just the calories in food, but the type of calories in the foods that are consumed), stress levels etc. etc.

So really, nothing is 100% guaranteed.

Still, one thing is for sure -- if steps are not taken to reach your goal, then change will not happen.

I know that I can't not exercise and hope to see a loss on the scales.

I know I can't eat whatever I want in any number of calories and expect to see a loss on the scales.

I know that while that ice cream may taste so good for a few minutes, it's going to take me a few hours to burn it off at the gym ...

I am responsible for my actions, and all my actions have consequences.

I know that losing weight/living a healthy lifestyle is something that I really want ... so if I REALLY want it, shouldn't I do everything in my power to reach that goal? It doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work at it. I have to be conscious about what I eat and ask myself over and over - Will eating this get me to where I want to be? The constant effort can be tedious, but obviously I haven't done it well enough/for long enough to see the results I want. I just have to keep at it ...

Alright - down to today's workouts:

I was in a rush leaving the house this morning, which made me a bit frantic as I didn't think I'd have enough time to complete my workout ... but in the end it all turned out ok.

Morning:

1 km warm-up on the treadmill -- I dropped a few more seconds off my time

NROL4W Stage 6, workout A2 -- negative chin-up is still a disaster, but I've improved with the assisted chin ups and I added more weight to my underhand lat pulls, my squats ... overall it was a good workout -- I ended with 100 crunches, 100 ab twists (per side), and 100 side bends (per side) holding 5 kg dumbbells.

My sides and back were already sore from yesterday's boxing workout ... I know those twists and bends are going to add to the pain!

I wasn't sure what to do for tomorrow's workout because of the possible special training that F talked about on Sunday. Unfortunately, we won't be training this week as the trainer will be in Dubai for a CrossFit competition ... maybe next week.

In any case, since I didn't want to overtrain before trying a new program, I had a mild workout planned for Friday ... but seeing that the training session is cancelled, I decided to head back to the gym today for a bit of cardio (8.25 km on the cross trainer, which took 65 minutes) followed by Zumba (so got in another 2 hrs of cardio today). Zumba totally lifted my spirits!

It's finally the weekend -- what a relief!

An Anxious Struggle

Part of the goal to get healthy is not just physical, it's emotional/mental too ... I left something out of Sunday's post, but seeing the morning/day that I've had, I think it's important for me to rewind a bit and briefly mention what happened.

The day had already been a struggle, and after posting my blog for the day, it didn't really improve. I got in the middle of some drama that left me feeling quite anxious -- add to that some extra tasks that I ended up having to do this week and I felt completely overwhelmed. The result = crying myself to sleep (from stress) and of course the insomnia I wrote about yesterday.

This morning I woke up feeling like crap. One thing that I realized is that the tears are probably a consequence of PMS, which became apparent after TOM just happened to occur 5 days early ... It's a bit of a relief because I've been having horrible cramps for the past week, plus I've been feeling incredibly bloated and heavy. After the amount of pain I was in last month I've really been dreading this. I just didn't feel ready to face the pain again -- and I've already written so many times about how much of a struggle all this is for me both physically and emotionally. Everything I wrote in The Last Rant back in November still holds true :(

For some reason, I just couldn't take it this morning. So I cried all the way to the gym, walked in and saw D (RPM trainer), who quickly pulled me aside and let me vent. I felt a bit better but wasn't sure how I was going to approach my workout ... part of me really didn't want to be there. I just wanted to escape -- but I didn't.

I got on the treadmill for my 1 km warm-up. For the first time ever I completed it in under 9 minutes. I didn't even think about my time or speed, I just went for it - ran when I wanted to (total of 4.5 minutes) and walked when I needed to ... seeing the time definitely gave me the energy boost I needed to complete Workout B1 of Stage 6 in NROL4W. It was a short workout - reverse lunges with dumbbell on shoulder (7 kg); dumbbell 2 point row (10 kg); dumbbell push press (8 kg/hand); back extension (72 kg -- sure did love seeing that stack of weights move up!); and incline reverse crunches -- followed by some other abs exercises and finishing off with another 1.5 km on the treadmill.

By the time I was showered and dressed I felt a bit more in control ...

Work was fine.

It just happened that a few of my girlfriends were meeting for lunch (they are usually caught up at work) so we enjoyed a pleasant lunch overlooking the sea ...

Everything sounds good, right?

I thought everything was fine, but then around 3:30 pm, I was driving and I suddenly felt like somebody had kicked me in the stomach. The pain was so intense that I thought I was going to pass out ... NOT the way you want to feel when driving! I made it home by 4:15 and threw up (sorry, gross). I was dizzy and shaking, my cramps were excruciating (even though I had taken meds at 1 pm).

I had to lie down ... I basically stayed in bed (except for a bit of time to post this blog) and rested. I was supposed to attend a lecture this evening, but I couldn't. There was no way I could drive, and definitely no way I could sit and concentrate on someone else speaking for a few hours. I just wanted silence. I have just been sitting/lying down in silence for the past few hours.

I just don't feel well. I don't feel calm and relaxed. I feel really, really anxious - and the fact that I can't seem to control this anxiety (which is being caused by external factors that really have me down - I'm still struggling with issues from last month) ... I'm sure all this anxiety is not helping my cramps. I'm really struggling.

It's tough because I feel like I escape at the gym - I can focus on my workouts and feel strong ... but when I leave the gym, the rest of the world, and the rest of my reality awaits me. I hate confrontation. I know I need to deal with these issues because they are already consuming me ... but they're not simple. Still, I know I have to do something -- I can't go on like this.

Fringe Benefits

I have to admit that it was a bit of a struggle to get to the gym this morning. I had a late night last night and didn't get enough sleep. I'm I'm going to workout twice a day I really do need to make more of an effort to get at least 5 hours of sleep - of course ideally 7 or 8, but let's be realistic. I am a chronic insomniac!

Still, I made it in to the gym. Did 30 minutes on the cross-trainer and then decided to do weights for just my legs.

Ever since I started on the NROL4W program I have pretty much left all other weight training exercises/classes. I have indulged in the occasional Body Pump class, but I've mainly stuck to the program.

However, I really felt like I needed to do something to work on my quads, especially given my muscle pain.

I spent about 45 minutes doing different exercises - leg presses, leg extensions, leg curls, adductor, abductor, etc. etc. It was really good. The pain is not completely gone, but every time I stretch it definitely feels better.

Later in the afternoon I went back to the gym - did another 30 minutes on the cross-trainer. Unfortunately there was no Zumba class tonight (the instructor is still unwell) so I decided to do RPM instead. Again, it's been quite a while ... but it was a killer/amazing class. I worked up a mega sweat - you could literally wring the sweat out of my clothes after I was done. It felt awesome! :)

Tomorrow will be my last day of NROL4W Stage 4 -- again, I'm very happy with the slow and steady approach to lifting weights that is offered by this program. I'm sure part of the reason RPM class went well is because my legs are stronger from the weights/resistance training. It's so great to see the benefits in other areas of my life besides just muscle growth. Feeling stronger means I can do things with more energy and enthusiasm, which gives me an overall feeling of satisfaction.

I just gotta keep these fringe benefits in mind whenever I get to a point when I feel like I don't want to go to the gym or that I'm feeling tired. It's all about the bigger picture, and it's definitely about living a happier and healthier life.

Didn't Plan On It

It's 6:55 p.m. and I'm starving. I'm crazy starving.

About half an hour ago I had a banana and half a cup of low fat organic yogurt.

I'll eat dinner in about half an hour, but I have no idea what to eat. There are lots of options, but today is one of those days when I just don't feel like making a thing. I don't feel like chopping the vegetables. I don't feel like cooking fish. I don't even feel like opening a can of something. I just want to be full and done with it. This is what happens when I don't plan properly.

Worst of all, I'm cranky.

I know I should be in the kitchen chopping some of those vegetables and preparing a tasty, nutritious meal, but for once I just want to take the easy way out and have someone already prepare it for me ... fat chance of that happening.

*whine*

Although my leg isn't feeling 100% better, I went to the gym this morning and did 8.5 km on the cross-trainer (1 hr 5 min). I'd love to believe the calorie burn stated on the machine (750 calories) but I doubt I burned that much. In any case, I exercised, and though there were some points when my leg felt a bit strained, I felt good overall. After the workout I did my physio which also helped with my thigh muscle strain ... and then spent a good 10-15 minutes doing some deep stretching -- definitely felt good.

After writing yesterday's post about not having gotten this weight loss thing right yet, I felt quite down. I work hard. I go to the gym regularly. I am quite disciplined ... yet I am still overweight. Something must be wrong. I know part of it is the hormone/fibroid problem ... but it's only part of it. I think that is something that may keep me from losing the last 10 lbs, but what about the 50 lbs before that? No, that's entirely up to me. So what is it?

I look back at what I wrote and realize that I have said "quite" disciplined. Perhaps "quite" is not good enough. I need to change that to 'very' disciplined. If I am going to see the changes that I want, then I'm going to have to really take things up a notch.

With that in mind, I went back to the gym this afternoon for another 45 minutes of cardio. I didn't kill myself or overdo it. I just walked for 45 minutes at a decent pace and at a 2% incline.

When I was at my lowest weight (a year and a half ago) I did it through watching what I ate ... but more than that, I was spending 3-5 hours at the gym on a daily basis. Does that sound insane? Yes. Did it work? Yes.

For the past year I have been watching what I've been eating - averaging about 1400 calories a day - and exercising regularly - I'd say averaging 1 1/2 hours 5 days a week. Any progress? Some. More like shift in weight/body shape - than loss of weight. Is that ok? Yes to a point ... now I've got to move on.

So, just over 2.5 hours of exercise today and about 900 calories consumed so far ... now I've got to figure out a fulfilling, tasty 400 calorie dinner. I guess it's time to go chop some of those vegetables!

Getting it Right

You'd think that after trying to lose weight for several years now that I would have gotten it right by now. I mean, weight loss really boils down to two things: eat less and move more. That's it.

Why is such a simple concept so difficult to follow? I know I try, but ... well, anything else I write from here on out will just be a list of excuses. So for now, let's just leave it at: I try.

Going through my wardrobe has been really good for me. First of all, being able to put so many clothes away to donate to charity (3 suitcases full plus 5 large bags and counting) has felt really good. Almost all the clothes that are in those bags are clothes that are too big for me. However, also among those clothes are items that I had bought ages ago that I had hoped I would have fit into by now -- I know, never a good shopping strategy, but I guess I was being optimistic.

I can't help but feel irritated that in the past two years I haven't managed to get to a point where I could fit into those clothes. It's not like I bought clothes that were unreasonably small. They were just a few dress sizes smaller than I was then ... but I'm still 1-2 dress sizes away. How frustrating and very, very depressing. I know the main thing about losing weight is to get healthy, but let's be real. A huge part of it is to look good too ... and I really don't like the way I look at all {a few months ago I would have written 'hate the way I look' but I'm making a bit of progress in lessening some of that self-hatred}. Part of me really wanted to hold on to those clothes but then I thought - it's been 2 years. It's time to let them go, and when it's time (and that time WILL come) I will buy new ones. Right now, somebody else can benefit from my wishful thinking. So ... there were definitely bouts of depression as I went through my wardrobe ... and then I got to the pair of trousers that I wore when I was at my heaviest. Four sizes bigger than I am now ... needless to say, they just slipped right off me.

That moment there is something that I need to remind myself of more often. I have a long way to go, but I have also worked hard to get to where I am right now.

The journey is far from over, but I'm still on it. I'm still determined. I haven't gotten it right yet, but I am getting there. I'm definitely smarter than I was before, and I am more committed to completing this mission that I'm on.

This past week has been a tough one for me. The endless insomnia. The leg injury hence no workouts. The cramps and pain. All I wanted to do (and did several times throughout the week) was sit down and cry. Still, crying is a lot better than drowning my sorrows in a bucket of ice cream or a mouthful of donuts - none of that for me. I just settled for 0 calorie tears.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week. Things are not exactly the way I'd like them to be -- My leg is not 100% better but it definitely has improved. My wardrobe is not 100% sorted, but it's mighty close!My cramps are not totally gone, but then I don't know if they ever will be ... it's all part of life. I've just got to make the best of each situation and be thankful for all the things that I do have and all the things that are going right in my life.

So tomorrow is a new day. The journey continues. The effort continues. The mantra stays the same:

Ups and Downs

My day started off early - took a friend to the airport at 6:15, then headed straight to the car wash (much, much needed after the mega sandstorm last week) and then headed home. I had a whole list of errands to do ... but then I thought, fuck it. I'm staying home.

I put on my music and that was it -- I was in another world. It's been so long since I just blasted my music and jammed. It was insanely cathartic. I would danced around more, but of course I had to watch my leg/hip/back (ya, I'm a bit of a mess at the moment), but still managed to get my groove on, and put a ton of stuff away. Last night I got a text message about a group that's collecting clothes etc. for the people in Syria - it came at a perfect time for me as all the stuff I've been putting aside from my big closet clean up has a good place to go.

Every once in a while I would go to my desk, grade a few papers, answer a few emails, comment on a few blogs, but then I'd be up again just dancing it off. As I said, insanely cathartic!

I was hoping that the high would last for a while -- but the stress and anxiety soon set in. Part of it had to do with going through my stuff. I'm such a sentimental person (and a pack rat) -- I opened a box that contained all sorts of memories - mainly good, but also several bittersweet. I hadn't looked at some of the things in years, but once in a while a rush of emotion would just come over me ... there were some times when it felt very overwhelming, but I pushed through the best I could.

Every once in a while the pain and nausea, particularly from my cramps, would also set in and I'd just want to lie down, but I pushed through that as well. Again -- pushing through. Will I get a chance to just take in all that the moment has to offer and exist?

As you can see, my mood significantly declined over the day. I definitely felt better as each box was empty and as the corners of my office slowly started to emerge ... but in the end it really was quite a tough day.

I'm on two different types of painkillers, perhaps that's also affecting me. It's definitely something that I wanted to avoid, but I just couldn't take it anymore. Still, the pills are only helping me get through the day (and hopefully the night) - I need something that'll help me ease my mind as well.

Body & Mind

I'm in a dark place at the moment. Actually, I've been in a dark place for a while now, and I've really been struggling to find a way out.

My leg, which still hurts, is definitely getting me down. I've had to resort to some strong painkillers -- but on the bright side, those painkillers have been helping me get a bit of sleep.

I have not resorted at all to eating anything unhealthy. One thing that has definitely helped is the fact that I don't have any junk food in the house. I don't bring any chocolate, chips, cookies, ice cream - nothing - into the house. The worst thing I have in my fridge is a 90 calorie fat free chocolate pudding, and I didn't even resort to eating that ... In fact, I was actually surprised to realize that I didn't have any depression/stress-based cravings at all. I mean, you can control what you have at home, but what about the drive home? I pass several fast food joints that would be so easy to drive into and order something unhealthy to 'soothe me' - which is something I might have done before ... but now, it didn't even cross my mind. It's nice to be aware of that change -- and it's definitely a relief. Nothing worse than feeling depressed and then coming out of the depression 5 pounds heavier!

Instead, I've been trying to work through my issues - finding the source, thinking about the problem, and trying to figure out a logical, reasonable solution. It hasn't been easy. In fact, it has been absolutely exhausting. I think we forget what kind of relationship there is between the body and the mind. I've definitely been one who has been susceptible to psychosomatic symptoms ... so I'm just trying to approach things in a more mature fashion.

One of the trainers at the gym told me that right now the best thing to do is rest. No matter how much I want to be running off this stress on that treadmill, it will probably make things worse. So, over the next few days I'm going to be concentrating on resting - both my body and my mind. Hopefully I'll come out stronger at the end of this.

As the days go by - Part II

I'm starting off today's blog post from where I left off in yesterday's post ...

Control.

I'll be the first one to admit that I am a bit of a control freak. I want things done MY way. I want to have control of everything that's going around me ... the more I feel like I'm out of control, the more I obsessively focus my energy and attention on minute details. For example, when I'm feeling really stressed and that things are spinning out of control, I'll focus on something that I can control - to the point of obsession, whether that means scrubbing the floor, organizing/reorganizing my closet, counting calories/restricting my food intake. While it may feel like I've got control over that task at hand, what it really does is distract me. In some cases it even compounds the problem. The bottom line is that my control/obsession issues were really holding me back ... I needed to learn how to let go.

Letting go of fear and dealing with control issues were things I tried to tackle in 2011 ... I think I did a good job - my confidence in swimming has increased, my fear of dogs is much, much more controlled - I no longer have a full-on panic attack but can just calmly stand (next step is to pet one!), if someone doesn't get back to me soon confirming/canceling plans we made then I no longer wait and obsess - I move on and do what I need to do ... I think all these things were positive steps, but I have also realized that it is a work in progress -- and indeed, three is a lot of work still left to be done!

Fear is what kept me from reaching my goals in the past - fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of pain ... but this year I thought "Fuck the fear. I can do this. There is no reason I cannot succeed."

So I went forward and gave it my all. I tried to keep pushing through no matter what.

Ironically what got in the way were things that were completely out of my control - health issues, family issues, etc. These are things I had not foreseen or planned for. I had not choice but to let go and roll with the punches. It was tough - really tough. I used to not be able to workout if I forgot my iPod and other silly things like that. This year I said enough was enough - it was time to grow up and realize that not everything could be controlled, and more that that, not everything has to be controlled! That doesn't mean that I will be able to completely let things go (I haven't come that far!) but I will definitely try.

I like that I am now able to tell myself - You CAN do this. You are strong. Try and you will achieve.

I definitely believe in myself and have more confidence in myself than I did a even at the beginning of this year - at least when it comes to my fitness. However, food/exercise is just one aspect of my life -- I still have a lot of insecurities and self-doubt. I have often thought, 'When I reach my goal weight, I will be happier.' However, I know that the happiness I am seeking is not hidden in my layers of fat. No, they're in my mind and in my soul ... hours on the cross-trainer will not take care of those mental demons. So there is still a lot to be done.

I take comfort in the fact that I have not given up. I am still driven and eager to make my life the best it can be. I have learned that I am strong and that no matter how far I've fallen down, there is a way to come back up again ... if that is what I desire.

With hard work, dedication, and patience ... anything is possible.

The Last Rant

This internal monologue used to be constant - it was almost easier when it was constant because it was kind of all that I was focusing on. Now, it's more intermittent. Everything will be fine and then all of a sudden I'll feel like somebody punched me in the stomach, yet I'll have to keep my composure because you can't just fall apart whenever you want to ... I'm struggling, but I'm also tired of the ups and downs. It's absolutely exhausting ... so this is my final rant. I'm putting it all out there and then I'm just going to move on. These thoughts have been haunting me and though the don't hit me as frequently, they still hit me as hard.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I can't believe that the surgery wasn't a success.

I can't believe that they couldn't even take out the 6-cm fibroid that caused the alarm in the first place. They just closed me up? Just like that? What - and shrug their shoulders saying, 'Sorry, there's nothing we can do.' That's it?

Did I make a mistake? Did I rush into this surgery? Did I choose the wrong surgeon? I knew that having a hysterectomy was in my future after my surgery three years ago, so I don't think I made a mistake in my decision. Did the surgeons do all that they could, or were they just not prepared to go further? I don't think they did all they could.

So now I'm stuck here.

Stuck with a uterus that's the size of a 6-month pregnant woman's uterus.

Stuck with the haunting words of that doctor who said, 'You can't lose weight around your abdomen no matter what you do.'

I'm stuck with these fibroids that are not only still in my uterus, but will probably keep growing and keep multiplying.

I'm stuck with the fact that at this point, even if I did want children, I wouldn't be able to.

Worst of all, I'm stuck with the pain and discomfort.

Stuck. That's how I feel. I've heard all the encouraging words - They wouldn't have found out about the adhesions if you hadn't had the surgery (or so we're assuming). There may be another doctor somewhere in the world who can help you. Things will get better, just wait. Time heals all wounds. Blah blah blah - All I have to say is 'Shut the fuck up.' I don't care about those words. I don't care. I know that there are thousands of people who have it worse than me. I know that things happen for a reason. I know that there are some things in our lives that we just have no control over. I also know that medical miracles do happen. However, at this point in time, I don't care ... as you're sitting there, smiling, giving encouragement, urging me forward, all I can do is smile and nod and say I know ... but all I really want to do is punch you in the stomach and see if you can stand that pain on a daily basis.

This is my pain. My reality. My problem.

I have been positive. I think I have been a pillar of 'Keep your head up and keep moving forward.' I will continue to move forward and be as strong as I can because really, that's all that I can do. However, in the midst of all this, I have not taken the time to grieve over what happened, and I think that has really been affecting me. So today I'm taking the time to grieve - even if it's by myself and via this blog. I'm just letting it all out there for the first and last time.

I felt like before it was already a struggle to keep moving forward and staying motivated - having to have a pep talk on a daily basis to keep yourself going is exhausting ... and I had to do that before I had the surgery ... so now it's even tougher. Still, I'll keep going forward - of course I'll keep going forward ... I'm just hoping that letting these words out into the open will help take some of the weight off my shoulders (if not my abdomen - hahaha, see, I still have a sense of humor!).

End of rant.

It's Only Pain

KD had come to visit me in the hospital and I got a chance to vent my fears and frustrations to her. Going from great cardio and weight lifting sessions to barely being able to get out of bed without help is so demoralizing ... it's tough to be patient, but I really have no choice.

While KD and I were talking all of a sudden I felt my throat clamp up and I knew what was coming - a cough. Something that I was totally dreading - you have no idea how much pain a cough can cause when you've got abdominal stitches.

I started to panic, but she sat me down, had me firmly hold a pillow against my abdomen and said - It's only pain.

It's only pain.

Such a simple statement, but something that was important for me to hear in order to refocus and remember that this is all temporary.

So I quickly coughed a few times and felt an excruciating amount of pain, but after 10 seconds it was over.

Finding the mental strength and determination to keep moving forward is tough. Especially to keep it up on a daily basis, all the time ... it's obviously something that I've posted a lot about in my blog, but determination truly is such an important cornerstone to making progress ... and keeping things in perspective is the key to moving forward.

So, I may need a bit of help moving around over the next few days, and it may hurt like hell to cough, but it's only pain. It's temporary. I still have control over the bigger picture -- what happens over the next two weeks matters, but it's not everything. I just have to keep trying to move forward and not be overwhelmed by setbacks.

Last Workout

I had my last workout today. I was tempted to make it a 'last chance workout' but the last thing I wanted to do was overstrain myself and add to the soreness that I'm bound to feel post-surgery.

Half an hour on the cross-trainer

About a half hour of free weights - just to loosen up my muscles, nothing major

Then, RPM class - which is the class that I'm going to miss the most!

It's frustrating because I feel like I was just getting back into the swing of things and really getting into my workouts, and now this is happening.

Well, I guess this is life. Very few people have the luxury of having the time to workout whenever and how much they want on a daily basis as well as the ability (plus time & money) to fully focus on nutrition ALL the time ... most of us have things that need to get done everyday. On top of that, life happens -- we get sick, we get busy, people around us need us, plans get interrupted, things just happen ... there's no escaping it. The time to focus on getting healthy is now, at every moment ... not when the time is right.

So, I'm not going to dwell on missing the gym for the next few weeks. That type of thinking won't get me back into the RPM studio any sooner!! I'm going to focus on my recovery - on doing what's best for me - physically and mentally - to come back as soon as I'm ready and continue moving forward on this journey.

I'm definitely curious to see how the weight loss will go over the next six weeks. I mean my movements will be fairly restricted, and definitely no lifting ... I know that I can (and will) watch what I eat, but I also know that you need to eat well in order to replenish your body and give it the strength to recover ... so I'm just wondering how it will all balance out ... I guess we'll find out ...

Getting Ready

My surgery has been moved up yet another day.

It's scary, but at this point, I just want it to be over and want the healing process to begin.

There is, however, lots to be done. Yesterday was a very, very busy day. It started with a trip to the hospital to do some final blood work, and then, upon finding out that I had one less day to prepare for the surgery, it was all about getting errands done ... and there are A LOT of things to get done.

The good thing about having had a similar surgery before is that I kind of know what to expect and what I'll need after the surgery. Like getting in and out of bed and chairs is really tough - but now I can make sure I have something firm to hold on to so that I can lift myself up (plus I've got stronger biceps and triceps, yay!). There are some things that are too high or too low - and I need to move them so that they are easily accessible. Even other things that I wouldn't have though of before - like getting into my car after the surgery. There's no way I can step up into my tank of a car, and D's car is too low ... so that needs to be figured out. There's also a very high step that leads to the house's entryway ... I'll need a brick or cinderblock to step on in order to make that step ... see, lots of little things, but at least I can be prepared for them.

After a frantic day running around, I still managed to squeeze in an hour at the gym and it was bliss. I just put on my headphones, selected my 'Forward Focus' playlist, and walked. It was heaven. It was just me and the music and steady movement for an hour - no distractions, no other thoughts. I felt SO MUCH better after the workout. Nothing high intensity - I wasn't there to track calories or distance. I just wanted to sweat it out, and it totally helped.

Today is also focused on finishing up my errands ... I'm hoping that I can get another workout it. I also want to come up with a food plan so that I make sure my eating is on track when I'm back home. It's going to have to be really low-maintenance food, but that doesn't mean it's going to be unhealthy. Trying to stay calm, focused, and optimistic.

Optimism inspires, energizes, and brings out our best.

It points the mind toward possibilities and

helps us think creatively past problems.

PRICE PRITCHETT, Hard Optimism

Planks, Push-ups, and Positivity

The next few days will be all about surrounding myself with positive thoughts, positive people, and anything else that brings positive energy ... as well as brushing up a bit of my upper body strength.

My medical leave was approved by the department, and two of my colleagues have agreed to cover the classes that I'll miss. Luckily I'm actually not missing too many classes because of the upcoming Eid holiday.

I spent a few hours with KD another one of the trainers at the gym (Body Combat & Body Pump instructor) and her support and advice was really good. I feel so lucky to have many of the trainers at the gym supporting me. It makes a big difference. I mean, I've got my friends and family, but the trainers are both my friends and family too ... it's such a big difference from 3 years ago.

Losing the strength and fitness that I've developed over the past two years has obviously been a big concern of mine. Perhaps for some people it may not seem like the thing I should be worried about when I'm about to go through surgery ... but it is a big deal. To be honest, the idea of not being able to exercise for almost two months is really freaking me out.

In trying to stay positive, however, I'm reminding myself that I'm in a MUCH better place with this surgery than the last one. During the last surgery I worked out a little but ate like crap ... this time, for the past 2 years I've changed my habits and my approach to food. This time instead of having chocolates and biscuits in the house, there will be lots of fruits and other things that will be healthy and satisfying ... I'm sure (well I hope) that these measures will help me get back on my feet quickly (and not gain weight)!!

My core is going to take a major hit during this surgery, so I'm trying to do a few planks and push-ups throughout the day to strengthen both my arms and my abs. I know I'll need the strength. They're two of my toughest exercises, but I think they're the most important ones for me at the moment. I don't want to overdo it, but I do want to prepare a bit. Tomorrow I hope to focus on cardio.