Move Because You Can

Life is so unpredictable. Things can change in an instant. The way my brother's physical condition changed in a moment - going from walking to paralyzed - has traumatized me. While I am so happy that his mobility is returning, his fight is not over yet. Unfortunately, today he began his first round of chemotherapy for lymphoma. He's been fighting different battles since late April 2013.

At first, his paralysis was attributed to his weight -- he was clearly obese. It was an interesting (and very upsetting) experience seeing how doctors in Kuwait were so judgmental ... that his physical condition must have been brought on by his size.

It was later found that a tumor on his spine was compressing his nerves which in turn caused the paralysis. He was bedridden for months. When the treatment (steroids, surgery, physiotherapy) finally started to take effect, he had to basically start all over - he had to learn how to walk. He had to learn how to move. He had to rebuild his muscles. He had to make his body work for him.

In the meantime, due to being in the hospital with more regimented food, he was losing weight. In fact, he lost just over 40 kg (88 lbs) in about 6 months.

Later, as his check-ups continued and the diagnosis was getting closer and closer to cancer, it was thought that the weight loss (at least part of it) was a side effect of cancer.

This conflicts me in so many ways. When I showed some people recent photos of my brother, they all commented on how good he was looking and expressing amazement with the amount of weight he had lost ... but part of me inside cringes at those responses because I know that he went through hell - paralysis, multiple surgeries, biopsies, and now chemotherapy ... does it matter that he has lost weight when he has had to suffer so much?

Anyway. The bottom line is - our health is precious. Focus on all the things you can do and take advantage of them. Focus on eating right because your body deserves it -- because you are still FREE to eat right and get healthy instead of being forced to because of some unfortunate health circumstance. Move not because it is part of physiotherapy -- move because you can.

It is tearing me apart that I am not by my brother's side today as he starts his treatment in Bangkok. However, I know that he will be strong. We are all staying hopeful and optimistic. He's been a true champ through all of this. I don't know how he did it, but he has been amazing, not a single complaint through the whole ordeal.

When we were living together in Kuwait, my brother helped me with my training during which I didn't hold back and I definitely kicked his ass a few times ... now it's his turn to kick cancer's ass.

Never stop fighting. 

Friday Five - Starting off the New Year

I ended 2014 with good friends, laughter, music, and hope ... I woke up on January 1st, 2015 with a horrendous cough and terrible cramps.

Hmmm. That wasn't what I was hoping for.

The beauty of not having set plans (e.g. on January 1st I must do X, Y, Z) is that you can take things in stride. I was in no shape to do much of anything yesterday, but that was just one day out of 365. I rested, stayed hydrated, and tried to get other non-strenuous things done.

Today also wasn't ideal -- it involved waking up a bit cranky and achey from a restless night of 'sleep', my first doctor's visit since my move to London (see, I knew 2015 would be a year of firsts!), and more coughing and cramps. So I'm kinda feeling blah ...

What to do? I just gotta keep on moving forward and workin' it out to the best of my ability. On that note, since I'm not feeling so great, my Friday Five is inspirational and motivational quotes from others.

Sunday Motivation

Don't give up. 

Set your goals. Create your plan. Work for it. Celebrate your accomplishments. 

Where did the Week Go?

I can't believe it's Friday already! I actually didn't realize what day it was until I read somebody else's blog with the same opening statement! I was like what?! How did that happen?

It has been a busy, busy week. A quick update:

1) Weight training: I only got 2 weight sessions in this week, but they were both really good. Ever since I came to London (and also during the time I was training on vacation), I've been rotating 3 weight lifting routines (5 different exercises in each routine, 10 reps each). I'm so happy to see progress! I have one more weight training session left of this program before I move on to something a bit different.

2) Cardio: My cardio has mainly been walking and circuit training through MetaFit class. I did a couple days of HIIT training on the treadmill, working in a few sprints, but it's still not easy on my knees. I so desperately want to run, but I keep getting knocked back. I think I need to continue to work on strength training and hopefully that will have a positive impact on my running.

3) Jiujitsu: I finally restarted jiujitsu training this week! I was so happy to get back into it, but not so thrilled to be training in a gi. I just don't find it comfortable. Still, the two sessions were really good. We worked on rear naked chokes and triangle chokes - some of my favorite moves :)

4) Weight Watchers: My first weight watchers weigh in was frustrating. I lost 1/2 kg. I wasn't surprised. I had 3 meals out during the week so I'm sure that didn't help. This week they started talking about pro points but it all sounds a bit complicated for me for where I'm at. I'm sticking to the simple start plan until I see a bit more movement with my weight.

5) My Food: The biggest effort I've made this past week as to cut down my dinner portions. Even though my dinners are clean and healthy, I know that I need to watch how much I'm eating. I've been doing that, but I've been going to bed hungry, and I really hate that feeling. Still, I survive through it. I'm going to keep at it for a while and see where it goes. The discipline has to pay off at some point.

6) Tracking: I wear my Fitbit to track my steps and I've been logging into My Fitness Pal for the past 2 weeks now. I don't rely on the numbers they give for calories burned during activities, but tracking food has been good. I've connected with a few people on My Fitness Pal -- if you're on it, do look me up! I find the extra connection helpful and motivating!

7) Update on my brother: He's still in hospital. There's still no confirmed diagnosis. Today, for the first time after his surgery last week, he was able to move his legs a bit (after an aggressive treatment with steroids). I'll be flying to Bangkok next week - I'm just too far away from my family during such a stressful time. Applying for my visa too huge chunks of time out of my days this week. It's always such a frustrating process. If you don't have to apply for visas to travel, count your blessings!!!

8) Final thoughts: I was so hoping to fall into a more normal routine starting August 1st. However, with my upcoming travel, it looks like that is not going to happen. I know that several blog posts ago I accepted the fact that my norm was to have a chaotic schedule, but still -- the lack of routine is so difficult to deal with. I'm trying to stay positive and keep working at it. Regardless of what's going on, the basics never change -- eat healthy and keep exercising.

Now not Later

This morning I had a few hours to finally get some errands done (including 4 loads of laundry!!). As I was putting things away, I found myself getting distracted and planning for things that I didn't need to focus on until a later date (e.g. worrying about what I was going to wear to work NEXT week). That's when I had to stop myself and take a step back to reassess what I was doing.

I feel like I have so much going on in my life, but it's all things that I want to be involved in. I know the one way to make the most out of my day is to be more focused with how I spend my time. I know that I spend a lot of my time doing busy work. I need to be more efficient.

This attitude needs to translate into my workouts as well. The risk of taking on too many activities, even if I have the actual time for it, is that I get worn out. There really isn't any point paying for a class, attending, but only giving 60% effort -- and still leaving the class feeling exhausted.

One of the things that I've done, and this may sound strange to some, is that I've made rest a priority for me. In fact, on my monthly goal checklist, I actually have a place to record how many hours of sleep I'm getting a night.

For those of who have followed my blog for a while, you know that I have struggled with insomnia - sometimes only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night.

Once I increased the intensity of my workouts (particularly through CrossFit) and I cleaned up my eating (no more unnecessary sugars and preservatives), I started sleeping much better.

Now I've found that if I don't get my rest, then I really struggle to complete my workouts. That's not to say that I won't workout if I've only gotten 4 or 5 hours of sleep. It's just that sleep is more of a priority for me, and it makes a huge difference in how well I complete my exercises.

So even though it may fee like a waste of time to sleep (that's the way I used to think before), I have found that investing that time to rest and recuperate is important because I can be more efficient and effective in my exercises.

Being efficient with my exercise is important too. I know that when I go to the gym to lift weights, I have to make sure that I'm lifting enough to challenge me and really stimulate my muscles. However, I also have to think about what other workouts I have planned for the day (or the next day) to gauge how much to push.

I used to spend a LOT of time on my schedule - figuring out when to do what exercises, how much to lift, how much time I was going to spend on my workouts ... Now, I still plan, but I try not to get distracted.

My main focus is to get my exercise done every single day. If I spend too much time trying to figure out the technicalities (should I do 8 reps today or 12), then I waste time, feel rushed, and end up not enjoying my workout and feeling stressed.

There's no point to that. Now I try to just get to the gym and start -- after that, the details will fall into place.

HIIT with Ray Elbe

I've been going to a Brazilian Jiujitsu class run by MMA fighter Ray Elbe. In addition to Jiujitsu, he runs a combat fitness class for women on Fridays. 

Yesterday, I decided to check it out. 

Mind Games

I really enjoy trying new things, especially when it comes to different exercise classes. However, just because I enjoy it, doesn't mean I don't feel nervous before trying something new out. I feel apprehensive about my performance. I wonder what the other people in the class are going to be like. I wonder whether or not I'll be able to do the exercises. Worst of all, I feel really self-conscious. 

It always feels like no matter what I do or how much I work, I end up being the biggest one in class. After losing 33 kg (72 lbs) and still being the heaviest girl in class -- trust me, it's a hard pill to swallow. I feel like I always look like the girl who doesn't try or the girl who doesn't really care about being healthy or fit. It's tough. Getting over that mental hurdle and actually going is a huge battle that I continue to struggle with. 

Still, I show up.  I really don't know what it is in me that actually gets me through the door. I surprise myself each time I go. Even though I can't pinpoint what it is that drives me, I hope it never disappears and that I continue to show up and try regardless of my fears. 

Physical Fatigue!

There were 5 girls (including me) in the class (and yes, I was the heaviest one). It was basically an HIIT circuit training class - 4 groups of 4 exercises each; we did each exercise for 30 seconds, and 2 rounds of each exercises. So each exercise group would last for 4 minutes. 

Doing 4 minutes of exercise sounds easy, right? Ya right! He really pushed us to give it our all for those 4 minutes. No rest between each 30-second round, just go go go! Rounds 1 and 2 were fine -- then we got to round 3. By the end of that round, I was exhausted! I had to really dig to get through that last round. It was tough. Not only was I tired, but I found those exercises the most physically challenging. 

For me, what helped most was when he kept saying - It's a mental challenge, not a physical one.

This is something that I've seen over and over again. I know it's in my mind -- finding the strength to push through that is tough! I kept hearing his voice saying, don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop, and I kept trying to stay in the zone and push through. 

In the end, I did the whole circuit. I didn't stop. I didn't give up, and I sure as hell didn't let the fact that I was the heaviest one there interfere with my enthusiasm and determination to make the most of the class. 

Learning to Push Through & Facing Fears

HIIT workouts are so exhausting! Who would have thought that 16 minutes of exercise could leave you so spent. Well, I know through our CrossFit WODs that the duration of the exercise doesn't matter as much as how intensely you perform each exercise. 

What was really great about this circuit was that it was all using body weight. We didn't need much space or any equipment. It just goes to show how you can always get in a good workout at home. You've just got to push yourself. That's definitely where having a trainer, plus a group of others, comes in handy. I know having Ray constantly pushing us to keep moving and keep going faster helped me keep moving and really trying. 

I know that the progress that I have made in the past year and a half with fitness has resulted in facing my fears. The whole task of just showing up to try something new is an example of that. I feel scared. Even now as I type this my heartbeat is quickening a bit because it is frightening. 

The thing is, you really don't know how much you can accomplish until you try. You've got to just somehow find that belief in yourself and go for it. You can tell that I still have hesitations and doubt. A lot of times that belief in myself isn't there - but I'm determined to at least fake it till I make it. 

I know that the only way I'll improve is if I keep showing up and keep trying. I need to remember that it doesn't matter what others are doing, saying, or thinking. What matters is that I keep showing up and giving it my all. Slowly but surely, the results of my efforts will show. 

Mid-Week Motivation

Mid-Week Motivation

It's already the second week of October -- let's stay motivated and make sure we reach our fitness goals by the end of the year!

Mid-Week Motivation

Mid-Week Motivation

Mid-Week Motivation

My Brother

A few posts ago I mentioned that my brother is now living at my place. He's moved to Kuwait from Bangladesh and is teaching English (like me) in my department. It's wonderful to have him here, and I'm so happy he was able to get this job.

Aside from that, the one thing that I was most eager to have him here for was for his health.

My brother is very overweight - around 330 lbs.

There was a point 3 years ago when we both joined a diet center which delivered already calorie-counted meals to our doorstep. All we had to do was eat and make some effort to do our own exercise. He lost a lot of weight on that (so did I), but then he put it back on (and then some) as soon as he stopped. I, on the other hand, stopped after I realized that calorie-control wasn't what I needed. I needed more nutrition. I didn't want a 1/4 slice of pizza for dinner. I wanted a full, proper, healthy meal. That's when I started to change my eating habits and was able to maintain that weight loss and go on to lose more.

It's been a long time since my brother and I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. Now that he's in my house, it's totally different. He's almost under my control -- to some extent of course.

I've had a lot of worries since he's been here. He's been very good at following directions about what to eat and when to exercise, but I prepare all the food and I go and exercise with him. I think it's great for him. All of a sudden he's gone from being able to eat whatever he wanted and eating all sorts of processed, fried, sugary foods, to my house, where the food is clean --- I think the 'worst' thing we have is a box of granola bars somewhere and some 85% dark chocolate ... there's really not too much damage you can do.

Anyway. Although I'm on the Whole Life Challenge, which eliminates so much stuff, I haven't put him on the challenge with me. Rather, he's just eating clean. It's already made such a difference. In the 1 week that he's been here he's lost 10 lbs -- and that was pretty much from food alone as I had not incorporated any exercise into his routine at all.

Now we've started to exercise more regularly. After I finish my Kajukenbo or BJJ training at night I take him to the nearby track and walk for almost half an hour. We're starting easy at first but we'll slowly build up his speed and stamina.

To be honest, it's been exhausting for me. There were a few days when I had done my weights, HIIT in the morning, Kajukenbo in the evening, and still gone out for a walk. Still, it's worth the effort. Already I'm noticing a difference in his posture and walking stance.

It's so important to me to help my brother get a hold of his health. Right now I know that I'm doing a lot for him in terms of food prep (which is a big task) and exercising, but I'm hoping that as the days go by he'll get more on board with taking the responsibility into his own hands. He's already started reading nutrition labels, which is great. He's even said no to several temptations (to the point of even saying he'd rather not go to the grocery store with me because he doesn't want to feel tempted).

I know what it's like to go through this. I do think that I was/am more receptive to the idea of working hard and staying diligent about your choices and habits than he is, but I'm really hoping that it'll grow on him. I hope that he continues to make progress with his weight loss which in turn will motivate him to keep it up.

There's a lot going on this household at the moment, but I'm hoping that we're all moving in the right direction.

Mid-Week Motivation

"Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment." (Jim Rohn) 

Mid-Week Motivation

"One cannot think well, love well, sleep well, if one has not dined well."

Virginia Woolf

Mental Flip-Flop

I've once again hit a plateau. I've been +/- 2kg of my current weight for the past 5 months now. I just can't seem to get a handle on it and push through. I think a lot of it has to do with my disrupted schedule - from out of town visitors, to general stress, to traveling for about 11 weeks. Although I did lose some weight while on vacation, it still isn't the lowest weight that I reached a few months ago. It's really getting frustrating, but I know what the solution is -- I need to clean up my eating and I need to make sure my workouts are efficient and effective.

One of the things that I think has really affected me is going back to a sedentary lifestyle. Aside from the conscious effort I make to workout, I have relatively no daily activity. It's so different from the time I spent in New York this past summer where I was walking at least 5 miles a day, not including the workouts I was doing. That extra activity helped me come back without gaining any weight. However, being home and not getting in those extra miles has now had a negative effect - I need to rectify that now.

There was a time when I would spend 4-6 hours a day at the gym. Yes, that's right, 4-6 hours a day. Although I was active, I wasn't really losing weight because I was either cutting my calories way too low or eating the wrong things. Sometimes (often) it was a combination of the two. Although it may sound like it should have worked, I know now that simply eating the wrong things (regardless of quantity) just doesn't work for me. Rice and bread will leave me bloated for days.

My recent funk hasn't helped. I've been working out but my heart hasn't been in it; my food has been 80-85% clean, but that's definitely not clean enough ... it's time for me to get a grip and focus on the task at hand. Complaining about it isn't going to help. Spending too much time planning without implementing isn't going to get me anywhere either. I know what I need to do. Now I just need to stop stalling and get on with it.

I seem to have lost a bit of confidence in my ability to reach my goal. At one point I was really enthusiastic. I believed I could do it, and I was excited about reaching my goal. Today, and over the past few days, however, I just feel like the goal is far away.

This mental flip-flop is annoying, frustrating, and exhausting. Yet I know that I'm the only one in control.

I saw this quote:

I had the motivation -- it got me started.
I've formed the habit - I'm keeping on going.

My question is -- now what? Why am I floundering? How can I find that stable footing again?

Mid-Week Motivation

"You have to have confidence in your ability and then be tough enough to follow through."

Rosalyn Carter

Monday Motivation

"It's important that athletes can compete on a level playing field. And youngsters coming into the sport can know that if they are working hard and training hard, they'll see a true reflection of where they stand and what they can achieve worldwide and not be swayed by people who are cheating."

Paula Radcliffe

Back Home

Wow, what a vacation it's been. It seems like such a long time ago that I was in Los Angeles (well, I guess 6 weeks ago is a long time). It feels good to be back. My journey home was long, but uneventful (just the way I like my international travel!). I was pleased to have completed my mega-holiday in the States without any problems at all. I truly feel blessed to have been able to enjoy such a wonderful vacation.

Now, it's back to reality.

I'm sure it'll take me a few days to get over my jet-lag and to get through tons of laundry, not to mention put away all my shopping ;)

I'll be weighing in on August 12th. I thought I'd give myself a few days to get over my post-travel bloating that I always seem to be affected by.

All the posts I wrote while I was on holiday were labeled 'Part 1' (except for my 2nd NYC post). I'll be writing my Part 2s over the next few days. I had a different experience in each city. Aside from the holiday aspect, I had many realizations in terms of my health and fitness progress/mentality. These were really important moments for me, and definitely ones that I think are worthwhile noting in my blog since I believe these discoveries demonstrate how much I've changed/grown over the past year. They also give me an idea of what direction I'm headed in ... and so far I'm liking what I'm seeing.

Monday Motivation

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit." 

Aristotle

Monday Motivation

"If you believe in yourself and have dedication and pride - and never quit, you'll be a winner. The price of victory is high but so are the rewards."

Paul Bryant