On the Fly

I'm sitting in the Qatar Airways lounge at Heathrow Airport at the moment, waiting for them to announce my flight.

I was actually here last night … but after boarding and sitting on the plane for an hour past our allocated departure time, we were told that the landing gear wasn't working. The proceeded to offload our luggage. Instead of going to the hotel where they wanted to put me up, I asked for a taxi ride home (on the airline's dime of course). Road diversions made for what should have been a 20 minute drive home over an hour. It was after midnight, freezing, and the taxi driver was heading in routes I had never heard of. All I can say is thank goodness for GPS on my phone so I could make sure he was actually taking me towards home and not to the middle of the woods somewhere where I would be murdered (I watch way too much crime TV). I was totally prepared to use my Jiu-Jitsu if it came to that!

So the whole of 2015 has been quite frantic for me.

I started off the year regrouping, organizing myself for the Whole Life Challenge, and preparing for the Instructor Certification Program evaluations that were going to be held in Los Angeles at the end of January.

While I was trying to sort myself out, I was also trying to come to terms with heading to LA instead of Bangkok where my brother was going to be undergoing his first round of chemotherapy. If he hadn't told me to just go and do it, I'm not sure I would have been able to … anyway.

The WLC is going well. It came at just the right time to help me detox from the holidays and get focused for the new year. Even though I've been traveling during the challenge, I've been really, really careful about my eating and have managed to stay on track by preparing food for travel, being picky with what I order when eating out, and just remembering my overall goals.

My trip to LA was an amazing experience. I passed my evaluations and feel really good about how I did. I am so excited to really get into teaching after I return to London. I'm still working on writing a few posts about my trip on my Jiu-Jitsu blog - I've got a few posts up already, but I haven't finished writing about the whole experience.

My teammate Fabrizio and I -- after receiving our certification! 

The ICP Class of 2015 

Although I'm doing really well with my eating and have been doing Jiu-Jitsu regularly, I'm not training the way I used to … and I can feel the impact.

As I was preparing for my LA trip, I made a conscious decision to just focus on Jiu-Jitsu and leave all my other training until after I returned. On the one hand I do think it was a smart decision. I felt good about my physical performance … on the other hand, I can feel the difference in my body from not having done any weight lifting, yoga, or Muay Thai in almost 3 months …

Still, for the next 10 days while I'm in Bangladesh I'll be away from the gym so I'll just have to focus on walking, stretching, and of course watching what I eat.

Instead of panicking, I'm just taking it all in stride … I know it'll all come together after I get back to London.

Right now, I can't wait to get home and see my brother. I feel like I've waited long enough.

Fingers crossed that this plane takes off and gets me to my destination safely!

Don't Touch

When my little brother was almost 2 years old, he was incredibly curious. He wanted to get his hands on everything - and more than that, he wanted to put everything in his mouth! My mother was constantly running after him saying, 'Don't touch. Don't touch.'

One day, we saw my brother standing in front of my mom's dressing table, eyeing her glittering bottles of perfumes and clasping his little hands to his chest, shaking his head left to right muttering to himself, 'Don't touch. Don't touch.'

It was the cutest thing.

Those shiny bottles looked so tempting, but he knew better -- and all he could do was keep repeating to himself - 'Don't touch. Don't touch.'

It is with that mentality that I will be approaching this coming week. I've got a bit social weekend coming up ... and while I don't plan on 'going crazy' when it comes to the food, I know that there will be temptations. The best thing I can do is tell myself 'Don't touch' throughout the week so that maybe, if I feel like it, I can relax that discipline over the weekend.

My main goals for this work week are:

1) Eat clean - All meals should follow the whole life challenge guidelines and/or the Gracie Diet guidelines.
2) Eat every 4 1/2 - 5 hours -- no snacking in between.
3) Drink 3-4 L of water each day.
4) Exercise a minimum of 1 hour each day (3 lifting sessions, 2 HIIT sessions, 2 Jiu-Jitsu sessions this week)
5) Stretch daily
6) Track daily
7) Most importantly: Saying 'Don't touch. Don't touch. Don't touch.' to all those oh-so-tempting foods!

In addition to these tasks, I will try to do as many of my 'additional 50 Day Goals' as possible. The complete list is here. Let's see how many I can get done!

Working without Numbers - Part 2

Calories in vs. calories out.

We've all heard it before, right? The numbers have to work in a certain way -- you need to burn more than you eat in order to lose weight …

Do you agree?

I definitely agree with the basic principle, but for me, it doesn't work that simply.

I feel like I've been experimenting with my food for years now. I workout regularly, I eat clean, but if it all came down to calculations of calories in vs. calories out and the number on the scale, it doesn't add up.

I sometimes wonder if there's a particular ingredient that I'm eating that may be healthy but still doesn't agree with me? I'm not feeling ill or bloated or anything. I'm not even feeling lethargic or fatigued. I'm just not dropping weight like I feel I should be. It's not about muscle vs. fat. I mean, I know I've put on muscle, but it's still not enough to justify the weight.

It's frustrating. I know that I need to keep tweaking my eating and my workouts until I find the right formula -- the one that works for my body chemistry and my activity level.

The important thing is to keep going.

I know that years ago I would have thought to myself - Forget this! If I'm putting in all this effort and not seeing any results, why should I go on?

This attitude is not helpful at all. Seriously. Who will you help/hurt by eating junk food and throwing healthy habits out the window just because the numbers don't always add up? This is why it's important to keep on Working without the Numbers -- it's the effort that matters.

Daily exercise is good for you.
Eating healthy is good for you.

The reason why the numbers on the scale may not be adding up is not because you're being healthy. It's going to be because of something else. However, there should be no doubt that exercise and clean eating are healthy habits that have long term benefits.

I know it's easy to get hung up on the numbers and feel frustrated. Trust me, I feel it more often than I care to admit ... but the important thing is to not give up. Keep going. Keep trying. Take comfort in knowing you're putting forth your best effort and the results will come. Suddenly you'll find that you've got a bit more pep to your step, you can finish that extra rep with better form, and those jeans suddenly have a bit more room in them. Success comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Stay positive and keep trying. Don't get distracted by the numbers.

Working without Numbers - Part 1

I weigh myself daily. I know that there are a lot of discussions out there about how often you should weigh yourself and the pros and cons of whatever decision you make.

I've decided to weigh myself on a daily basis. However, it's taken quite a bit of discipline not to let the numbers get the best of me. I've seen major weight fluctuations with the span of just 1 day - one morning I wake up weighing X and the next day I'm up almost 2 kg, despite eating clean and working out. The following day I could be down 1/2 a kilo (it always goes on faster than it comes off, doesn't it?!), and then after another 3 days it could be 2 kilos lighter.

It is so frustrating!

That being said, I still like to weigh myself daily because it allows me to check myself. If I have a weight gain, even if it's 100 grams, I focus on what choices I make during the day to ensure that I stay on track and not contribute to the weight gain. Does it always work? No.

The real discipline comes from not letting those numbers get the best of you.

In the end, it's a long process. You've got to trust that the results that correspond to your effort will eventually come.

It's not easy. However, I am getting better at it.

By tracking daily, I have come to realize how big my weight fluctuations can be. I could steadily gain weight over a period of 2 weeks only to see it all come off with a bit extra over the span of 2 days.

The key is to just keep diligently working towards your goals.

I know that in the past I would get frustrated and think - Seriously? I gained weight? What was the point of skipping dessert if I was going to gain weight anyway?!

This type of mentality is dangerous to have. I think that's why the end goal shouldn't be solely on weight loss but rather living a healthier lifestyle.

Weight lifting definitely helped me change my attitude because after several months of really good weight lifting, I began to realize even though I was either weighing the same and often more, my body shape was changing and I was losing inches, even if I wasn't losing pounds.

I had to change my perception of weight and my attitude towards the numbers.

I knew that being stuck in that negative head space wasn't going to do me any good at all.
It's still tough for me to see a gain on the scale, but after moping for a bit, I shrug it off and get back to doing whatever needs to be done to keep working towards my goal.

After all, my overall goal is to be healthy and fit -- with or without the corresponding numbers, that is my end goal. Hopefully the numbers on the scale/body measurements will eventually catch up.

The bottom line: Know your goals. Figure out what you need to do to achieve them. Keep working towards them, and don't let the numbers on the scale hold you back. 

Priorities and Discipline

I feel like the past 2 weeks have really put  my discipline to the test -- and since I'm blogging instead of writing my chapter, you can see that I haven't always succeeded. Still, I have been trying.

This week has been especially difficult as I've been trying to stay on top of my meals with a lot of home cooking -- it's all been great, but I do think I've spent way too much time in the kitchen. I need to maybe cook in bigger batches or find something quicker/easier to make.

I turned up the focus and intensity during jiujitsu training to prepare for my blue belt test. I scaled back my weight training to make sure I'm not too sore for the belt test. I modified my workout times/types in order to get them done and sit down at my desk and write ...

So there's been a lot of adjusting. As much as I'd love to have a perfect, static schedule, it's just never going to happen, so I need to be flexible and adapt.

It has been hard for me to get back to academic writing. I'm still not fully set up in my attic office. Most of my research books are still in storage. I don't have access to a proper academic library ... and of course there's the writing itself. It's such a struggle ... My mind is not focused because all I want to do is workout, blog, or cook. Still, I need to put my head down and do it. It may not be a physical task, but the mind over matter focus still comes into play here.

So now that I already went to Muay Thai class at 6:30 a.m., Yoga class at 7:30 a.m., came back home, showered, ate breakfast, and wrote this blog post there is officially nothing more for me to procrastinate with -- so I'm off to write!

and for today

WRITE

A Full Week!

It has been a FULL week for me.

I started off the week still feeling quite achy from my workouts from last week. Part of it was from my general training and getting back to  my weight lifting, but most of it was me still recovering from the MetaFit training course! I think I did a few too many burpees, squats, and lunges -- my left knee was feeling terrible!

I approached my workouts with caution, but was happy that I didn't feel any major pains.

I just focused on active recovery on Monday with a long walk.
It's just as well I didn't do anything major because Tuesday ended up being a LONG day of workouts.

I went to a 7 a.m. Yoga class at the martial arts center. Then I hit the weights and did a MetaFit class at my local gym, followed by 2 hours of Jiujitsu in the evening.

Wednesday was my first evening Muay Thai class. It was fantastic! I had such a good time :) It felt great to work up a sweat hitting pads again. That class was followed by Yoga for Muay Thai. I left the martial arts center feeling relaxed and totally stretched out, which led to a great night of sleep.

Thursday morning I was back at the gym for weights and MetaFit and then a really intense session of Jiujitsu. I'm preparing to take my blue belt test soon, so I've been drilling my moves quite seriously.

Today I attended a 6:30 a.m. Muay Thai session followed by another hour of yoga. Plus tonight I've got Jiujitsu again.

Filling up the Mini Cooper with my Muay Thai gear and yoga mat.

Glad I didn't get a Smart car!

It feels fantastic to be able to fit in 3 1-hour yoga classes in my week. I am SO stiff. Not doing any proper yoga for 10 months has really had an impact on my flexibility. I'm hoping that continuing to do the classes will really help me loosen up.

Aside from Jiujitsu I don't really have anything else scheduled for this weekend. I may try to fit in either a MetaFit session or just some walking. We'll see. Rest is definitely on the agenda! The Whole Life Challenge starts tomorrow!! I can't wait :)

Liberating and Empowering - Part III

"I was doing this for ME."

That's what I wrote at the end of my post yesterday.

I'm going to eat what I want.
I'm going to do what I want.
I'm not going to do anything I don't want to do.

Me. Me. Me. I. I. I.

Selfish isn't it? Or is it?

Do you think it's selfish to put yourself first?
Do you think that finding time to exercise and eliminating certain foods from your diet is a selfish thing to do?

I spent many, many years putting myself last. Everyone else was ahead of me. I didn't want to upset anyone or make them uncomfortable. I went along with what they wanted.

After all, when you go have the low self-esteem and low self-confidence that usually accompanies a large waistline, the last thing you want to do is ostracize yourself by putting yourself first.

So you eat with your friends. You skip your workout to socialize. You indulge your host by eating just one more. I show a carefree attitude and eat the third/fourth/fifth slice of pizza … and at the end of the night you can go home having had a ton of laughs and a great time … until you step on the scale the next morning and feel like shit because once again you didn't show discipline, and the number on the scale shows it all. The clothes that may feel just a bit too clingy remind you of it the whole day. You're in a bad mood. You can't concentrate at work. Your friends/colleagues ask you what's wrong and you snap because you really have nobody else to blame but yourself … It just feels crappy.

Perhaps this will sound like an exaggeration to some people, but I know that I definitely felt like this on more than one occasion.

Let's look at the 'selfish' scenario.

I say no thank you to the pizza and drink water all night. I want to laugh with my friends, but I'm actually feeling a bit resentful that they can enjoy themselves and not worry. Still, I soldier on. I continue this for a week and I start to get used to the detox from processed foods and sugar. I feel more energetic and boy does it feel great to see the numbers dropping on the scale. The extra energy helps me with my workout so I've an extra spring in my step. My clothes are getting a bit loose, I'm starting to see the positive effect of sticking to the changes I decided to make and I'm proud of myself. I'm happy with what I'm accomplishing -- I am focused at work, I am cheerful around friends/colleagues and I am eager to keep this euphoria going … so I continue.

Does this sound like an exaggeration too? Perhaps, but it accurately describes my experience.

Taking that first step to decide you want to make a change and then following through can be scary. It's all new territory. If you worry about what others will think and say, then it is only adding further pressure to an already daunting task.

It's ok to say No. It's ok to be 'selfish.' You need to be selfish if you really want to make a difference. The most important thing to remember is that this selfishness is temporary.

The beginning of any journey is always challenging. The differences you want to see and feel will not happen overnight. I've found that the resentment and frustrating comes a lot sooner - and lasts much longer than you'd like - than that happy spring in your step. The thing is, if you don't go through that tough struggle in the beginning, you won't get to that happy place.

A bit of struggle is part of the process.

A bit of selfishness is an essential ingredient.

Once you find your groove, things really will fall into place. The happiness and energy that you will get from the empowering feeling of knowing you've been disciplined - and it is paying off - will be contagious.

People will come around. They really will. And if they don't? Well, that's another benefit of feeling empowered -- you won't care. You'll realize how important it is to have supportive people around you. They're the ones that will continue to encourage you. They're the ones that will want you to continue to work to be the best that you can be -- and you'll see, sometimes that will mean encouraging you to be selfish!

Now I have friends who will ask me - Are you sure you want to eat that?
I know that they will ask me that because they know how hard I've worked and how tough it has been … plus I've given my friends permission to smack me if they see me going off track and regaining the weight I worked so hard to lose.

Take a chance. Put yourself first. You'll find that the positivity you gain from finally doing the things you've always wanted to do will spread to others around you. You'll feel liberated that you're not trapping yourself in the expectations of others. You will feel empowered knowing that you can help yourself and go on to help others.

Go on. Be selfish.

Liberating and Empowering - Part II

Yesterday I mentioned the Whole Life Challenge --

I know I've been mentioning it a lot lately, partly because it's starting on the 13th of September and mainly because it really has had a massive positive impact on my life. There's still time to join me and a few other members of my team (along with thousands of people worldwide) in this 8-week challenge - one that literally changed my life and may change yours too. Read more about the rules here and if you're interested, register for my team here.

What I really want to talk about in this post is what elements of the challenge made me feel liberated and empowered.

First of all, the discipline of following a challenge for the entire 8 weeks was definitely empowering. I committed to something and I stuck to it. Once I got it in my mind that I was going to do this, nothing changed my mind. I was not tempted by any foods. I was not swayed by any friends. I was fully focused. I may not have been perfect, but any imperfections were a result of my own choices.

Understanding that it was all in my hands was the second empowering discovery. I got rid of all those notions of having to eat a certain thing or a certain way to satisfy somebody else.

My family doesn't eat the same way I do.
I don't want to be a rude guest.
I don't want to be the one to spoil the mood at the party because I didn't eat/drink with them.

While these may be challenging situations, they are still manageable. You just have to understand and accept that the decision to make the change may be slightly uncomfortable (and often just to yourself). Don't let these types of thoughts (excuses) get in the way of what you really want to achieve. The discomfort is often just temporary, and usually it is because what you're doing is something new and not because it is actually physically uncomfortable.

There was a time when I was cooking different meals for myself versus others. I would go to parties and family gatherings and politely decline food. I would go to restaurants with friends and be one of 'those' people who asks questions about ingredients and food prep before ordering.

Did I get criticized? I sure did! Many, many people were negative and critical. They would make fun of me. They would tell me, 'Go on, just have one.' I was told I wasn't fun anymore. I was told that I was being too strict. I was told I was crazy (the label I hated the most).

I had to steel myself against these criticisms. I had to be strong. I tried to explain what I was doing, but very few people understood. Well, actually they just didn't take the time to really listen. For the most part, I just smiled and politely declined.

I did find myself socializing a bit less once I started the challenge. It was a bit sad, but honestly, I was so busy with everything else in my life and the challenge (planning food, grocery shopping, prepping, cooking, exercising, eating right) that it didn't matter. The best part was that each week I was noticing a difference in myself. I was getting stronger, leaner, and finally thinner! I knew this wasn't a weight loss challenge, but the consequences of cleaning up my diet and being disciplined was showing in the exact ways I wanted them to show.

I was loving it!

Didn't go to a party and have a slice of cake or a glass of wine? No problem! I was dropping dress sizes! :)

Here's the good news -- after some time (actually after the 2nd time I did the challenge), people started getting it. They started to see how I maintained most of the changes I made on the WLC even after the challenge. They started to see how it really was a lifestyle for me - not just a trend I wanted to follow.

I mastered the art of rejection -- I would call hosts beforehand and explain to them that I was doing this challenge and to please not be offended if I didn't partake in the food/drink and that I would come just for the company. I would ask those I felt more comfortable with if they would mind me bringing my own food. I had people wondering what it was I was eating so I would invite them over and cook a Whole Life Challenge friendly FEAST -- and they would see it all in action.

Can you see how this was all liberating and empowering?

I was no longer a slave to food. I knew I had the strength to say no. I was living my life the way I wanted to and I didn't look for anybody else's approval.

It was fantastic. I chose the direction that I wanted to live my life and I went ahead and did it … and those that loved me most were so supportive. As for those who criticized … well, to each their own, right?

In the end, it doesn't matter. I knew I had to continue what I was doing because I was doing this for ME.

More on that tomorrow …

Liberating and Empowering - Part I

Recently I've used the word liberating quite a few times in comments I've made on blog posts. I think that's the one word that best describes how the weight loss process has been for me. Liberating -- and if I had to choose another word, empowering.

Changing my attitude towards health and fitness came gradually.

For me, it was weight lifting that really got me started. In the beginning, I would tentatively hide up in the women's area of the gym and pick up the weights -- and by the end of just the first phase of the New Rules of Lifting for Women program, I had seen a lot of progress. By the end of the whole program, I felt … you guessed it - liberated and empowered!

For me, what really helped was making note of my progress. I had my fitness routine written down, and  I made sure to write down what exercise I was doing and what resistance I was using. This way I had a record of what I was doing so I didn't need to restart the program from scratch. More importantly, each time I was able to lift a little more, I felt great.

It felt amazing to go from doing a 12 kg back squat to an 80 kg back squat -- and eventually to my 105 kg 1RM (which I haven't hit again in a while). Just writing that down gets my adrenaline going.

It makes me KNOW, not just believe, that I can do whatever I set out to do.

If you read through my blog, you can see that I had many, many struggles. I still do. However, I've seen what I can accomplish. I know what that accomplishment feels like. More importantly, I know that I can do it. The only thing standing in my way is myself.

It's amazing how quickly those negative thoughts can multiply and get in the way of real progress.

This is when you have to be strong. This is when you have to free yourself from doubt and push through -- know that you are strong. Know that what you dream for yourself is possible. Know that the temporary discomfort and doubt is just that -- temporary. You need to just stick to your plan and keep moving forward.

I still walk around the gym with my chart and my pen. The system works for me, so I've stuck to it. I feel that over the past 6 months I have lost a lot of muscle/strength. I want that back. I've lost some muscle definition and just overall, I'm not feeling that lean and strong. It's frustrating because in some ways it does feel like a step back. However, I've spent long enough organizing my plan and writing things down. The time to act is now. I'm doing great with my exercise -- now it's the food that has to follow. This is definitely where the Whole Life Challenge is going to come in.

More on that tomorrow …

Now not Later

This morning I had a few hours to finally get some errands done (including 4 loads of laundry!!). As I was putting things away, I found myself getting distracted and planning for things that I didn't need to focus on until a later date (e.g. worrying about what I was going to wear to work NEXT week). That's when I had to stop myself and take a step back to reassess what I was doing.

I feel like I have so much going on in my life, but it's all things that I want to be involved in. I know the one way to make the most out of my day is to be more focused with how I spend my time. I know that I spend a lot of my time doing busy work. I need to be more efficient.

This attitude needs to translate into my workouts as well. The risk of taking on too many activities, even if I have the actual time for it, is that I get worn out. There really isn't any point paying for a class, attending, but only giving 60% effort -- and still leaving the class feeling exhausted.

One of the things that I've done, and this may sound strange to some, is that I've made rest a priority for me. In fact, on my monthly goal checklist, I actually have a place to record how many hours of sleep I'm getting a night.

For those of who have followed my blog for a while, you know that I have struggled with insomnia - sometimes only getting 2-3 hours of sleep a night.

Once I increased the intensity of my workouts (particularly through CrossFit) and I cleaned up my eating (no more unnecessary sugars and preservatives), I started sleeping much better.

Now I've found that if I don't get my rest, then I really struggle to complete my workouts. That's not to say that I won't workout if I've only gotten 4 or 5 hours of sleep. It's just that sleep is more of a priority for me, and it makes a huge difference in how well I complete my exercises.

So even though it may fee like a waste of time to sleep (that's the way I used to think before), I have found that investing that time to rest and recuperate is important because I can be more efficient and effective in my exercises.

Being efficient with my exercise is important too. I know that when I go to the gym to lift weights, I have to make sure that I'm lifting enough to challenge me and really stimulate my muscles. However, I also have to think about what other workouts I have planned for the day (or the next day) to gauge how much to push.

I used to spend a LOT of time on my schedule - figuring out when to do what exercises, how much to lift, how much time I was going to spend on my workouts ... Now, I still plan, but I try not to get distracted.

My main focus is to get my exercise done every single day. If I spend too much time trying to figure out the technicalities (should I do 8 reps today or 12), then I waste time, feel rushed, and end up not enjoying my workout and feeling stressed.

There's no point to that. Now I try to just get to the gym and start -- after that, the details will fall into place.

The 'Show Up Muscle'

In yesterday's blog post at the Whole Life Challenge, Andy Petranek (one of the founders), discussed the 'show up muscle.' I absolutely loved the term and the concept.

During the Whole Life Challenge we're supposed to exercise every single day for a minimum of 10 minutes as well as stretch/do some sort of mobilization for 10 minutes.

The reaction to exercising every single day has been interesting. Most of my friends think it's insane. In fact, even when I read about it the first time, I thought - Really? Every single day?

What you have to realize is that it's not saying we need to run a 5K every day. We don't to do a cardio kickboxing class or a heavy weight lifting session everyday.

What they're encouraging us to do is SOMETHING every single day.

Show up.

Do something.

Reading it as working the 'show up muscle' really made sense. It's about building in the discipline of stepping away from the computer, switching off the TV, waking up slightly earlier or whatever, in order to incorporate some sort of physical activity into your day.

It could be going for a 10 minute walk, doing a bunch of crunches, push-ups, squats in your home, or whatever.

It's about being aware of how your'e spending your time and what you are/are not doing in terms of staying healthy and making healthy choices.

I really, really like this idea because developing the discipline and understanding the good habit makes it so much easier to repeat on a regular basis. I think once you've established a routine, you're more likely to stick to it and find a way to make it work.

It's also great because all of a sudden you do realize that - Hey, I can make 20 minutes for exercise, even if it's simple and just at home. Realizing that exercise doesn't have to be painful or exhausting all the time is a positive way to look at exercise.

So, practice showing up. Practice putting in the effort. Stick to it long enough and it will become routine.

Why Fight?

When I embarked on my ventures into mixed martial arts, I did it just for fitness. I transitioned from the Les Mills Body Combat class to actually hitting pads with a trainer -- what a workout! Not only did it burn mega calories, but it also relieved a TON of stress. It was from that point that I started looking for more structured classes that involved actual impact vs. 'air' boxing. (Several years ago I used to go to a cardio kickboxing class, and I loved it!)

As I was on the search for a something that involved more contact, I had to step back and ask myself -- is this what I really want? Do I want to place myself in a situation where I'm going to get hit or that I'm actually going to hit someone else?

I read a few books by fighters, looking for their motivation behind fighting. Some books were well written and entertaining, but none of them really gave me the answers I was looking for. Why did they choose to fight? What was it inside them that said - ok let me go beat somebody up?

While I was reading and searching for answers, I was also training. Then all of a sudden, one day when I was writing in my journal, the answer came to me.

It really doesn't have anything to do with fighting at all. So many things inside me changed through my training. Starting with the discipline of training itself (regardless of what type of training, this is a big step), to mentally preparing for what was about to come (hit or be hit), to physically building the strength and stamina to go through with it (cardio, weights, yoga) -- it was all coming together in one perfect package.

Fighting has nothing to do with striking someone. It's about defending yourself. What GM Janice Somera said (as I've mentioned before) -- you've got to believe that you're worth defending.

Finding that belief itself has been work. It's taken self-analysis, self-confidence, and a lot of effort to hack away at years and years of accumulated negative self-talk and self-hate. It's been the hardest part.

The psychological training behind fighting has really been what has kept me interested. I've had to really work on clearing my mind. I've had to work on figuring out how to stand my ground - both physically and mentally. I've had to work on breathing through the fear that you start to feel when someone approaches you with a clenched fist.

The training I went through - both the Brazilian Jiujitsu and the Kajukenbo seminars - emphasized a very key point. You learn how to defend yourself so you never have to use it.

That knowledge that you KNOW that you can protect yourself, that you can hold your ground, that you can take a hit and then hit back harder is powerful. It helps you stand tall. It gives you confidence. It allows you to walk down the street without being afraid ... and isn't that what we all want? To not be afraid of life, living, loving?

I haven't found all my answers. I have a long road ahead of me in terms of my training, but I'm enjoying this path of discovery.

I have moments when it all seems surreal (am I really leaving the house in a Kajukenbo gi with a wooden stick in my bag? What in the world am I getting myself in to?), but when other people think I'm crazy for getting involved in MMA training, I know inside, I'm not crazy. This is how I choose to train. This is how I choose to get physically and mentally fit. Plus, I'm worth defending ;)

Me leaving the house for the last day of our Kajukenbo seminar series - I've got my stick in the bag, ready to do some weapon training! 

Kajukenbo Ohana Kuwait Team

2013

Fighting it Out

I seem to be teetering between being courageous and feeling apprehensive about being courageous. I think the bottom line is that I know I want to be, and so I'm going to keep working towards that.

This mental flip-flop that I've been going through as well as my search for resolve have both reminded me at how much effort - constant vigilance - is required in this quest to get healthy. There is so much more than just the physical weight loss that I need to tackle. However, it is getting better.

I had an a-ha moment a week or so ago that I didn't write about because it didn't really have to do with physical fitness. However, I realize that it did have to do with being healthy - mentally healthy. I was caught in one of those situations where one of my friends said something to me that caught me off guard. It wasn't negative towards me, but it was something this person had kept hidden from me (there's way too much back story to get into right now, so a piecemeal summary will have to do for now). My first instinct was to Binge on Negative Thoughts (something I wrote about back in April).

However, I quickly stopped myself and said - No. This person did not say/do X to you because you're overweight or because you have no value. This person said/did this because that's the kind of person THEY are. They are the kind of person that feels the need to be shady, sneaky, evasive, or unmindful of my thoughts/feelings/time. It has nothing to do with me.

I don't like that my first reaction is still one that is negative, but it is something that I'm working on. Plus I'm not saying that this person/these people are bad; their priorities and focus are just in a different place. It has nothing to do with me.

Today was Day 1 of a Kajukenbo seminar series that is being held here in Kuwait. It was a really great experience for me, especially given all the things that I've recently been going through. We went over a few self-defense tactics during the seminar. One thing Grand Master Janice Somera said really resonated with me - it was about believing in yourself and believing that you are worth defending.

I remember not so long ago, I definitely didn't believe that. I had to chip away at that negative thought bit by bit. It sure didn't come naturally. On most days I lived on the 'fake it till you make it' mantra. Slowly, as I set goals and accomplished them, I started to believe in myself more.

I still get a bit shaky. I still look around for approval - from friends, from coaches, from everyone really. I still feel like I'm on the outside of the fitness world, even though I know I've accomplished so much (again, it has to do with reactions/actions/statements of others). It's ok though. Coming to terms with all of these things is part of the process.

So, I'm still working around all these thoughts. I imagine that this will go on for a while as there is not simple solution. The important thing is not to give up -- to keep moving forward and fight it out.

Tempted by Boredom

The hardest thing for me in terms of leading a healthy lifestyle has been related to my issues with food. I feel like I’ve experimented with so many different ‘diets’ as well as eating/working out combinations – eating hardly anything/exercising a lot; eating whatever I wanted/exercising a lot; eating a little/exercising a little … None of those combinations were long-term solutions for me.

In the end, it was about eating clean (and proper portions which varied depending on the type and intensity of my workout) and being efficient with my training (i.e. when I worked out, I put my all into it, so a 20 minute CrossFit WOD was more efficient than a 1½ hour moderate cardio session).

Yes, that was definitely the winning combination.

It all started when I got more involved with CrossFit and I did the Whole Life Challenge last September. I have to say, the dietary changes I made have been really good. It was tough at first, but I managed to sustain them over the following months. However, I did relax a little. I found that I had to be really, really careful when I ‘relaxed’ my eating habits. I also realized that whatever I ‘relaxed’ my regime for ended up never really being worth it.

Practicing this type of eating habit for several months has helped me get to a much better place in terms of my relationship with food. I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m going forward with a much more eager and positive attitude versus one of dread and fears of deprivation (more on that tomorrow).

I think I managed my food intake – quality and quantity – quite well. The ONE thing that got me was when I was bored and around something to munch on. In particular, there was one night when I was on my own, I couldn’t sleep, and there was some chocolate in the room. I was watching TV and I mindlessly ate the chocolate. It’s not the calories or the (lack of) nutritional value of the chocolate that bothered me; it’s the fact that I ate it when I didn’t need to or even really want to. I was bored. It was there. I gave in.

This is something that I’m not proud of and definitely something that I want to keep track of in the future. I need to have more control over this silly mindlessness because really, I am stronger than that. I am more disciplined than that. At this point in my life, after all I’ve been through and tried, I really should know better. I do know better. I’m going to do my very best to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Momentary Routine

I’ve been back in Kuwait for 5 days now … and I’ll be traveling again in 4 days. That’s not much time to get back into a proper routine. After my last trip to London, I really struggled. I let the fact that I was only around for 9 days bring me down and distract me from what I really wanted.

Not this time.

I arrived on Tuesday morning and spent the day resting. Last time, I spent the time freaking out and worrying about whether or not I would have energy to go to the gym. I exhausted myself. I didn’t workout, and I felt guilty.

Not this time.

I unpacked, did my laundry, and I SLEPT. I was so tired. I slept for 4 hours in the afternoon and then I went to bed early. I needed the sleep. I felt much better after getting all that sleep.

When I woke up on Wednesday morning (tossing and turning from 3 a.m. and finally out of bed at 4 a.m.), I was ready to go.

I had 2 eggs with some mushrooms and tomatoes. I took my time getting ready and leaving the house (after all, I am on vacation!), and I made it to the gym by 7:45 a.m.

Some cardio and a body balance session was all I had planned for the day. The cardio felt good. I felt like I hadn’t missed anything because of all the walking I did in London. Body Balance, however, was tougher. I felt quite stiff. I didn’t stretch much over the past 2 weeks and it totally showed in class. (Note to self: get back to stretching daily!!)

Thursday was great – warm-up cardio, 1 hour weight session, and then 1 hour on the cross-trainer.

I really wanted to burn some calories so I just got on the cross-trainer, set it to interval training, and just zoned out and started sweating.

The weight lifting session was interesting. On the one hand, I felt strong. I think this is because I hadn’t lifted weights for quite some time so my muscles actually felt rested. On the other hand, I felt like I lost a bit of strength, particularly in my lateral pull-downs … but then, I’ve always struggled with those. I did 2 extra sets of each exercise with lighter warm-up weights. I didn’t want to strain myself (though I think I did when I was doing 15 kg (33 lb dumbbell per hand) dumbbell incline chest presses. It wasn’t the chest press as much as it was the movement of getting my arm in position to do the chest press). Anyway. I left the gym feeling good that I could complete those sets, but also felt a bit of a muscle strain around my left shoulder blade area. Must take care of that.

I went back to my normal Friday routine – which included 2 hours of Jiujitsu and sparring practice. Again, being away from training for 2 weeks really showed on the mats. It took me a while to both mentally and physically gear up for each move we practiced.

Yesterday I did something I had not done in a long time – burpees. I’ve been avoiding them. I’m avoiding them for the same reason that I took on this challenge – I hate them. They’re tough. They leave me breathless. I suck at them. 

This is why I must practice them!!

Perhaps I was too ambitious in my goal of completing 20,130 burpees by the end of the year, but that’s not an excuse not to practice them at least every other day, if not every single day.

The only thing holding me back is my mind – I am physically able to do them. In fact, the first 50 burpees (though tough) went down a lot easier than I had thought they would be. (Note to self: Stop second-guessing yourself and just do your damn burpees!)

So basically my strategy has been to just get back into my routine without giving it much thought. Being on vacation makes it very tempting to just sit back and do nothing but watch TV or read all day … but that doesn’t mean I can’t squeeze in an hour or two of exercise. I know that once I get started, I feel good – that’s why I try to workout first thing in the morning. At least I get it out of the way.

My food has been good since I got back. Like my workouts, I just went right back on plan. Lots of salads, lean protein, and vegetables. I bought some new spice blends in London - ones you can't get here in Kuwait - so that's helped give a bit of new flavor to my cooking.  I would say that my food is 90-95% clean. At the moment, that works for me. Gotta make the most of being home while I can. In 4 days, this momentary routine is going to seem like a dream … that’s when the real work is going to kick in!

By the way, my shoulder blade muscle strain is much, much better. Whew.