Family and Food

I was contemplating calling this post Family Feud instead of Family and Food!

I love my family, I really do, but man I really almost lost my temper when dealing with things related to food.

I understand that a lot of social functions center around food and providing tasty food is a way for people to show that they care about you and that they want to nurture you. Trust me. I'm from Bangladesh. I think our national pastime is (force)feeding others.

Over the past couple of years, I've become good about dealing with food-pushers. I know how to talk to them and explain why I'm eating the way I am. I've also become better at negotiating social situations - some days I eat off my regular plan because I have chosen to do so; other times I politely decline. I've even become known for bringing my own meals (with permission from the host/hostess).

Still. It's tough.

At home, things are good for the most part. My brother and my mom get it and are 100% supportive. When I landed in Bangladesh, I saw that my mom had bought tons of filtered water for me and had stocked up on vegetables and proteins. As a back up plan, I had brought quinoa and my homemade granola along with me. My father, on the other hand, (who is diabetic) was very different. Despite him knowing that I do the Whole Life Challenge and what it involves, he still offers me chocolate biscuits (which shouldn't be in the house anyway), cheese, sweets, etc. I try to just let it go. I don't understand why he doesn't get it, but I have resolved to not let it get to me. It does get annoying sometimes, but for the most part, I'm able to let it go - not just with my father, but with other people too.

This time, however, I was caught off guard when we had a family gathering and people were bringing dishes over to the house. Although they had been told that I eat really simply now, it didn't really go as planned. My aunts brought vegetable dishes - but they were either cooked with cream and cheese or wrapped in pastry or something else. I refused to eat - politely of course!

Everything was fine until they started complaining that I was starving myself and that I became a very picky person.

I immediately corrected them and said that I'm not picky, I'm healthy. I also told them that since I mostly eat clean, eating things that are deep friend and coated with flour and cheese will surely make me sick - did they want that for me?

I was hoping that the logical explanation would help them see my way, but they thought that I was just being silly.

I was then called rude for not eating -- but I didn't give in.

I didn't care if they were my elders and all that stuff. They were being hurtful and at some point, I really do think, you need to take a stand. You can't be bullied (yes, bullied) to eat in a way you don't want to eat.

A few years ago, I would never protest.
Then, I found myself being more disciplined, but I would still bend a lot.
Now, I don't negotiate. I only eat what I want. Whether it is healthy or unhealthy, it's my choice and I refuse to be guilted into eating something that I don't want to for the sake of someone else's satisfaction. It's not about being rude or stubborn. It's just about putting yourself first and being happy with your choice -- I guess that's always the bottom line. Be happy with whatever decision you make. You're in charge. Take control.

Move Because You Can

Life is so unpredictable. Things can change in an instant. The way my brother's physical condition changed in a moment - going from walking to paralyzed - has traumatized me. While I am so happy that his mobility is returning, his fight is not over yet. Unfortunately, today he began his first round of chemotherapy for lymphoma. He's been fighting different battles since late April 2013.

At first, his paralysis was attributed to his weight -- he was clearly obese. It was an interesting (and very upsetting) experience seeing how doctors in Kuwait were so judgmental ... that his physical condition must have been brought on by his size.

It was later found that a tumor on his spine was compressing his nerves which in turn caused the paralysis. He was bedridden for months. When the treatment (steroids, surgery, physiotherapy) finally started to take effect, he had to basically start all over - he had to learn how to walk. He had to learn how to move. He had to rebuild his muscles. He had to make his body work for him.

In the meantime, due to being in the hospital with more regimented food, he was losing weight. In fact, he lost just over 40 kg (88 lbs) in about 6 months.

Later, as his check-ups continued and the diagnosis was getting closer and closer to cancer, it was thought that the weight loss (at least part of it) was a side effect of cancer.

This conflicts me in so many ways. When I showed some people recent photos of my brother, they all commented on how good he was looking and expressing amazement with the amount of weight he had lost ... but part of me inside cringes at those responses because I know that he went through hell - paralysis, multiple surgeries, biopsies, and now chemotherapy ... does it matter that he has lost weight when he has had to suffer so much?

Anyway. The bottom line is - our health is precious. Focus on all the things you can do and take advantage of them. Focus on eating right because your body deserves it -- because you are still FREE to eat right and get healthy instead of being forced to because of some unfortunate health circumstance. Move not because it is part of physiotherapy -- move because you can.

It is tearing me apart that I am not by my brother's side today as he starts his treatment in Bangkok. However, I know that he will be strong. We are all staying hopeful and optimistic. He's been a true champ through all of this. I don't know how he did it, but he has been amazing, not a single complaint through the whole ordeal.

When we were living together in Kuwait, my brother helped me with my training during which I didn't hold back and I definitely kicked his ass a few times ... now it's his turn to kick cancer's ass.

Never stop fighting. 

Moment by Moment

I'm writing this post from Bangkok. I'm here to support my brother during his treatment/recovery. We received an initial diagnosis 2 days ago ... But there are more details to work out.

When I first heard the diagnosis, I immediately went online to start researching the condition -- but then I stopped. There was just too much info out there and I didn't have enough details to really know what I was looking for. There were good statistics and scary statistics -- I thought it was best to hold off on doing more research until I had more answers ... As of right now, we're still waiting.

It's been hard to stop my mind from wandering. For the past two days I've just concentrated on things one task at a time. Wake up. Work out. Errands. Pack. Cook. Eat. Sleep.

The fact that I'm here in Bangkok feels strange. I think it's because I'm not on vacation. People ask me - business or pleasure? Neither really.

It felt strange seeing my parents sitting outside the hospital waiting for me. The last time I saw them was when I dropped my brother off in Bangladesh for treatment -- and that was just a couple minutes of tearful hugs.

Now here we are.

I don't know what to make of all of this -- seeing my brother in a hospital bed; tubes attached to him; unable to move his legs -- though a tiny bit of sensation has started to come back.

We're all trying to be strong. Trying to stop our minds from wandering. Trying to take it one moment at a time.
L

Where did the Week Go?

I can't believe it's Friday already! I actually didn't realize what day it was until I read somebody else's blog with the same opening statement! I was like what?! How did that happen?

It has been a busy, busy week. A quick update:

1) Weight training: I only got 2 weight sessions in this week, but they were both really good. Ever since I came to London (and also during the time I was training on vacation), I've been rotating 3 weight lifting routines (5 different exercises in each routine, 10 reps each). I'm so happy to see progress! I have one more weight training session left of this program before I move on to something a bit different.

2) Cardio: My cardio has mainly been walking and circuit training through MetaFit class. I did a couple days of HIIT training on the treadmill, working in a few sprints, but it's still not easy on my knees. I so desperately want to run, but I keep getting knocked back. I think I need to continue to work on strength training and hopefully that will have a positive impact on my running.

3) Jiujitsu: I finally restarted jiujitsu training this week! I was so happy to get back into it, but not so thrilled to be training in a gi. I just don't find it comfortable. Still, the two sessions were really good. We worked on rear naked chokes and triangle chokes - some of my favorite moves :)

4) Weight Watchers: My first weight watchers weigh in was frustrating. I lost 1/2 kg. I wasn't surprised. I had 3 meals out during the week so I'm sure that didn't help. This week they started talking about pro points but it all sounds a bit complicated for me for where I'm at. I'm sticking to the simple start plan until I see a bit more movement with my weight.

5) My Food: The biggest effort I've made this past week as to cut down my dinner portions. Even though my dinners are clean and healthy, I know that I need to watch how much I'm eating. I've been doing that, but I've been going to bed hungry, and I really hate that feeling. Still, I survive through it. I'm going to keep at it for a while and see where it goes. The discipline has to pay off at some point.

6) Tracking: I wear my Fitbit to track my steps and I've been logging into My Fitness Pal for the past 2 weeks now. I don't rely on the numbers they give for calories burned during activities, but tracking food has been good. I've connected with a few people on My Fitness Pal -- if you're on it, do look me up! I find the extra connection helpful and motivating!

7) Update on my brother: He's still in hospital. There's still no confirmed diagnosis. Today, for the first time after his surgery last week, he was able to move his legs a bit (after an aggressive treatment with steroids). I'll be flying to Bangkok next week - I'm just too far away from my family during such a stressful time. Applying for my visa too huge chunks of time out of my days this week. It's always such a frustrating process. If you don't have to apply for visas to travel, count your blessings!!!

8) Final thoughts: I was so hoping to fall into a more normal routine starting August 1st. However, with my upcoming travel, it looks like that is not going to happen. I know that several blog posts ago I accepted the fact that my norm was to have a chaotic schedule, but still -- the lack of routine is so difficult to deal with. I'm trying to stay positive and keep working at it. Regardless of what's going on, the basics never change -- eat healthy and keep exercising.

Update on My Brother

The past 48 hours have been quite stressful.

Back in April I wrote briefly about my brother and how he had suffered from sudden paralysis of his legs.

When he was taken to Bangladesh, he was diagnosed with transverse myelitis. He was given an aggressive treatment of steroids, and he started physiotherapy. His recovery was slow, but he was recovering.

Suddenly last week, he lost sensation in his left leg. He said it was dead weight and he just couldn't move it at all. Having exhausted all the treatment options in Bangladesh, my parents and brother flew to Bangkok for further investigations.

The arrived on Tuesday and my brother was immediately admitted to the hospital. On Wednesday they did an MRI and discovered a mass growing around his spine (from T5-T10 so it was quite a big mass). On Thursday the doctors said that the only option at this point was to remove it. So this morning, he underwent surgery.

The surgeon managed to remove the entire mass. It will be a week before the lab results from the biopsy are back; however, they are confident that it is not a malignant tumor.

We still don't know what caused it, whether it will return, or any of those details. We'll know more over the next few days.

My brother is doing alright. He's in the ICU and will be for a day or two. As you can imagine, it was quite a procedure that took several hours. I'm just happy he got through that part -- hopefully he'll be able to focus on a full recovery soon.

I've been feeling so restless here. I feel so distant and far from my family. I'm thankful that I can speak to them regularly, but still. Thinking of my parents and brother in a foreign country where they don't know anyone or the language makes me feel anxious. I may fly over there -- but I have to get a visa before I can do that, so nothing has been confirmed yet.

I'm just thankful that the surgery is over. Definitely missing my family a lot these past couple of days.

Do You See What I See?

The past few days have been interesting because I've been going out to eat more than usual since D's parents are visiting. So far we've been choosing restaurants where I know I can order something that will enable me to stay true to the Whole Life Challenge.

While others are eating curried potatoes, fresh hot bread, and different creamy sauces, I've been sticking to my grilled proteins and steamed or grilled vegetables.

For me, it's been fine.

However, as usual, the reactions from others have been a bit different. Luckily I haven't had any 'you're crazy' comments. Rather it's been along the lines of 'Poor you.'

Luckily, I don't feel sorry for myself at all.

Last night when a long plate of dessert samplers came out (complimentary because they had a problem with some of our orders) it was quite interesting.

Everyone dug in to taste the different desserts - chocolate fondant, apple crumble, creme brûlée, and a few others ...

I was actually a little surprised that I didn't even feel a touch of desire for desserts. That's saying a lot since I really do have a sweet tooth. However, the desserts just didn't appeal to me. It's like I was viewing my food and my eating options through a completely different lens. It felt quite good.

Interestingly enough, this morning was a slightly different story. D asked if I would bake him my carrot cake for his birthday. I was really touched because of all the possible birthday desserts he could have chosen, he wanted one of mine. I was also a bit nervous because it's been at least 2 years since I've baked a cake (though I did make some cupcakes a few times).

As I was frosting the cake, I have to say that I was really tempted to have a taste. It just looked so fresh and moist ... I didn't lament over it, but I did take a moment and think - damn that looks good. I'd love a taste.

Since I knew that everyone would be eating cake today I didn't want to really stick out as the only one not having anything, so I decided to make myself my own version of a carrot cake - one that would be Whole Life Challenge friendly.

Instead of flour I used ground flaxseed and ground almonds. I added shredded carrots, shredded coconut, and eggs. I'll post the proper recipe later.

I have to say, I was really impressed with how it came out. The recipe needs a bit of tweaking, but it was moist and quite flavorful.

Socially, it was nice to sit down and have something similar to what everyone else was eating. I got over my desire to taste my original carrot cake and took satisfaction in hearing all the oohs and aaahs from everyone else. I'm glad I haven't lost my baking touch.

I don't plan on making baked goods (whole life challenge friendly or not) often, but it's nice to know that I have a tasty option out there.

what's left of my 'real' carrot cake and my mini WLC-friendly carrot cupcakes

Catching Up and Complaining

I just haven’t been able to make the time to sit at my computer and type out a proper post. Aside for just checking my email and glancing through Facebook I’ve been running around, cooking, cleaning, working, and sleeping.

The challenge for the next two weeks in the Whole Life Challenge is to get 7 hours of sleep (per 24 hours, so if not all at night, then during a nap). Not only have I been making sure to get those 7 hours of sleep because of the challenge, but I’ve also been NEEDING the sleep because I’m tired!

My dad left a few days ago and day before yesterday my in-laws arrived. You can imagine how busy all that has been. Since my brother isn’t driving and his paperwork isn’t complete, I’ve been doing additional driving around for him – which wouldn’t be too bad if it wasn’t for the insane traffic here in Kuwait (was at a standstill for 25 minutes yesterday on a highway –ugh!!!).

I haven’t quite got the hang of cooking for 3 people yet. I used to make enough dinner so that I would have some food leftover for lunch. However, now I need enough lunch for 2 people – so that means I’ve had to either cook extra or cook again. I’ve most had to cook all over again.

My eating has been good in terms of staying true to the challenge, but it’s been bad in terms of being lazy and tired – so just having a few dates for energy to get me through the day, just picking on a bit of food here and there. I know it’s not healthy, and I need to rectify that. I need to make sure I eat right (the right amount, the right things, at the right time) in order to get the proper energy that I need. I know better, but I just don’t feel like I’ve got the energy to pull it all together.

I’ve been exercising daily. My morning workouts have taken a hit because of extra errands and work. I’ve been exercising in the evening – either Kajukenbo class, CrossFit, going for a walk, or Jiujitsu. I feel like my workouts have been mild (moderate at best) and it’s just not enough for what works for my body. I’ve also been working out with/training my brother to help him with his weight loss progress (he’s lost about 12 pounds in the past 2 weeks). We do a combination of kickboxing, weight lifting, and walking.

So, there’s a lot going on. I wish I could say that things are slowly falling into place, but they’re not at the moment. I feel like I really won’t be able to get a handle on things until the middle of next month. In the meantime, I’ll just keep doing my best.

By the way - sorry about the problem on my blog (re the photos covering the text). I'm not sure what happened. Hopefully that's been resolved now. For some reason my notifications (of when people post and comment) have also not been showing up. I haven't figured out how to fix that yet, but hopefully I'll be able to soon.

Finding My Footing

My dad comes to Kuwait every 3-4 months for his health check-up. He underwent a kidney transplant (he had kidney failure due to his diabetes) in 2002. Since then, he's kept up with his medical check-ups at the kidney transplant hospital here in Kuwait.

I've mentioned several times before during his previous visits that we often argue about food. Despite dad's health (diabetes, high blood pressure, and being a transplant patient), he does not lead a healthy lifestyle. He doesn't exercise, and he loves to eat all the foods that are bad for him.

When I was younger, I didn't notice these habits because I was partaking in them as well. I never developed the discipline of saying no, of eating smaller portions, or anything else.

Over the past year and a half, as I've become more and more into fitness and really changed my eating habits, it's become harder for me to watch him eat so unhealthily. He eats unhealthily for a 'normal' person, let alone one who is ill. It would be very upsetting for me to see him eat sweets, sneak in chocolate into the house, and overeat. He even talks about food being full of 'good' things like butter and cheese and syrup etc. Hearing that kind of talk makes me want to scream.

With each visit, I've gotten better at not letting it get to me. I mean, it still does, but this time I realized that even though I'm on the Whole Life Challenge, which prohibits sugar, I actually don't want anything that he was offering.

He brought a box of some of my favorite Bangladeshi sweets. It made me feel sad that despite me asking him over and over again - please, don't bring any sweets into the house - he still brought them. He knew I liked them, but instead of seeing it as tempting me (or torturing me), he brought them as a sign of affection (perhaps??). I know when this happened during one of his previous visits, I got really angry and upset. This time, it still upset me, but I let it go.

Just because the sweets are in the house doesn't mean that I have to eat them.

I need to take responsibility for my actions. I need to follow my set of beliefs about what is healthy for me and what I need to do for myself to be happy.

I finally felt secure in saying no.

I knew exactly why I was making my choices; I knew exactly what I wanted. None of it involved sweets or bread or foods that were deep fried.

Despite still struggling with those feelings of frustration and anger, I was much better at letting it go this time because I know I had found my footing. I was able to stand my ground and be firm with my decisions.

My Brother

A few posts ago I mentioned that my brother is now living at my place. He's moved to Kuwait from Bangladesh and is teaching English (like me) in my department. It's wonderful to have him here, and I'm so happy he was able to get this job.

Aside from that, the one thing that I was most eager to have him here for was for his health.

My brother is very overweight - around 330 lbs.

There was a point 3 years ago when we both joined a diet center which delivered already calorie-counted meals to our doorstep. All we had to do was eat and make some effort to do our own exercise. He lost a lot of weight on that (so did I), but then he put it back on (and then some) as soon as he stopped. I, on the other hand, stopped after I realized that calorie-control wasn't what I needed. I needed more nutrition. I didn't want a 1/4 slice of pizza for dinner. I wanted a full, proper, healthy meal. That's when I started to change my eating habits and was able to maintain that weight loss and go on to lose more.

It's been a long time since my brother and I have had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together. Now that he's in my house, it's totally different. He's almost under my control -- to some extent of course.

I've had a lot of worries since he's been here. He's been very good at following directions about what to eat and when to exercise, but I prepare all the food and I go and exercise with him. I think it's great for him. All of a sudden he's gone from being able to eat whatever he wanted and eating all sorts of processed, fried, sugary foods, to my house, where the food is clean --- I think the 'worst' thing we have is a box of granola bars somewhere and some 85% dark chocolate ... there's really not too much damage you can do.

Anyway. Although I'm on the Whole Life Challenge, which eliminates so much stuff, I haven't put him on the challenge with me. Rather, he's just eating clean. It's already made such a difference. In the 1 week that he's been here he's lost 10 lbs -- and that was pretty much from food alone as I had not incorporated any exercise into his routine at all.

Now we've started to exercise more regularly. After I finish my Kajukenbo or BJJ training at night I take him to the nearby track and walk for almost half an hour. We're starting easy at first but we'll slowly build up his speed and stamina.

To be honest, it's been exhausting for me. There were a few days when I had done my weights, HIIT in the morning, Kajukenbo in the evening, and still gone out for a walk. Still, it's worth the effort. Already I'm noticing a difference in his posture and walking stance.

It's so important to me to help my brother get a hold of his health. Right now I know that I'm doing a lot for him in terms of food prep (which is a big task) and exercising, but I'm hoping that as the days go by he'll get more on board with taking the responsibility into his own hands. He's already started reading nutrition labels, which is great. He's even said no to several temptations (to the point of even saying he'd rather not go to the grocery store with me because he doesn't want to feel tempted).

I know what it's like to go through this. I do think that I was/am more receptive to the idea of working hard and staying diligent about your choices and habits than he is, but I'm really hoping that it'll grow on him. I hope that he continues to make progress with his weight loss which in turn will motivate him to keep it up.

There's a lot going on this household at the moment, but I'm hoping that we're all moving in the right direction.

Overwhelmed

There's so much going on here. I'm having a tough time keeping up with it all. Plus I'm having a really tough time making it to the computer to read blogs/write blog posts. I really to do it, but it's the one thing that I've been struggling to incorporate in my schedule.

I usually wake up at 4:30 a.m., but I think the stress and the overwhelming feeling of all that I have to do during the day has been disrupting my sleep. I was up at 3:50 a.m. the other morning -- not cool at all.

One of the biggest changes to my schedule is that my brother is now living with me. He arrived in Kuwait last Friday and will be staying with me for at least 2 months. He's got a job in my department and is teaching English just like me. The thing that sucks is that I have an early morning schedule, whereas he teaches later in the day. Since he doesn't drive, I've needed to incorporate his transportation into my schedule. Until he gets his local paperwork done (which could take several weeks - if we're lucky), he won't be able to drive. Even taking taxis is a bit risky at the moment as there have been many random police check-points on the road, and since he's Bangladeshi and doesn't have all his papers ready yet, it's just not safe. Anyway. As I said, it'll just take some adjusting, but I haven't been able to come up with a good routine plan yet -- especially since things ALWAYS keep popping up!! For example, last week a meeting ran late, then another day I had to substitute somebody else's class, then I had some running around for my brother's paperwork ... etc. etc. I'm doing the best I can, but the disruptions themselves are exhausting ...

Dad arrived for his medical check-up yesterday --- and if you've been following my blog for some time, you know that he stresses me out when it comes to food. He's a diabetic who likes to eat all the WRONG stuff -- chocolate, chips, foods rich in butter, fried etc. etc. All he does is talk about food. It makes me insane!! Starting from the ride home from the airport ... (reciting the serenity prayer).

So it's a full house at the moment. I've given up all 'my' space in the house to my brother and my dad ... I just need to remember to breathe.

Being on the Whole Life Challenge has been good for me because I don't need to worry about my own food. Keeping my diet clean I think has actually helped me continue to feel good. I feel light, and not having any extra 'junk' in my system has given me at least enough energy to get through each day.

I've just got to stay focused on my goals and make sure that I get my workouts in (which I've been doing well at). I need to stay positive and prioritize. I need to breathe.

 

Some Breathing Room

I was woken early Wednesday morning with a text from my mom with news that my aunt (her sister) had passed away. I knew that when I last spoke to my aunt on Sunday that we were saying good-bye - that I would never speak to her again or see her again as she had been slowing withering away in the hospital for the past few months, the cancer finally spreading to all parts of her body. Since Sunday what I wanted to do was just hide in my room and stay away from everything and everyone, but I decided no, my aunt was a lively, strong person - always approaching each day with strength and determination. So I went on with my day, my errands, my workouts. After speaking to my mom on Tuesday - which was my aunt's birthday - she told me that my aunt had lapsed into a coma and that the end was probably near. You'd think that given her deteriorating condition that it would not come to much surprise, but the level of emotion that rose up from inside me was like nothing I had experienced before.

I usually try to be strong, but this time I didn't try. The news of her death was very difficult to take. Part of me wanted to blog because I find this so cathartic, but in the end I couldn't bring myself to it. In fact, I shut myself away from all social media, all people, everything. It was enough having to send a few emails to notify her friends. It was enough having to deal with condolences messages that felt like such a heavy weight on my heart.

Aside from a visit from her two best friends who live here in Kuwait (at one time - for about 12 years - we all lived in Kuwait together), and D of course, I have completely withdrawn.

It's actually felt good.

It gave me the breathing room that I needed.

There are no words to describe how important my aunt was to me, absolutely no words, so I spent the last 3 days mostly in silence.

I our culture, we allow 3 days of mourning over someone's death and then we are told to move on with our lives ... because that is really all we can do. Death is inevitable, and life goes on. Clichés, but they're true. It's not about forgetting the person you've lost. It's about realizing that there are other things that matter too - that your mourning should make you neglect the rest of your family, your own health, your other responsibilities. I like this tradition.

Today is the 3rd day and I've emerged - slightly - from the shadows. I still don't feel like talking to anybody, a lump has been lodged in my throat but I'm trying to breathe through it. I haven't seen anybody either ... driving has been out of the question as I've been too emotional. However, slowly but surely I'm moving on with things.

Food on Wednesday wasn't good - I ate pizza and a few mini sandwiches. I didn't really think about it or feel guilty about it. I just ate and then I stopped. The other days my food has been pretty much back on track.

I haven't left the house since Tuesday, so no gym, but I did some Jiujitsu at home with D. It helped me take my mind off things and made me feel a bit better.

Today there's some construction going on in our house. We're converting one of our rooms into a MMA practice room; that should be a nice distraction.

A Few Deeper Breaths

Today was the first day that I started to feel quite a bit better. Unfortunately I'm still coughing, and although I can take deeper breaths, I still cannot deeply inhale and exhale without choking/coughing ... so there's a ways to go.

Today marks 1 full week off from the gym. I cannot describe the frustration ... but I am just trying to hold on to the thought that this is needed rest time. Rushing back could cause a relapse, and then that would just be devastating!

Dad has been visiting from Bangladesh for the past few days. He leaves tomorrow night.
When he was visiting back in October [you can read this past post], we had quite a few issues with food. I was in the middle of the Whole Life Challenge and he just didn't get it. As a diabetic, he should be extra careful with his food intake ... but he isn't, and it drives me insane.

The second day he was here we stopped at the supermarket - he bought some chips, some chocolate, cake, and different types of bread - sliced, pita, croissant. In the days leading up to his visit I kept telling myself - don't get into a fight with dad over food. He's only here for a while. Just let it go. I tell you though after seeing him put those things in the shopping cart, it was insanely tough to bite my tongue. Of course he offered me the foods; he commented about my eating habits; he joked about food (which gets me the most) etc. etc. I had a really rough time dealing with it ... but I still kept quiet. I decided that it was his life. He could do whatever he wanted to do. In my house, I'll only provide tasty, healthy options. If he wants something from outside, then he can do it ... but that does not mean that I need to partake.

The main reason that I didn't want to get into an argument with him is because he's my dad after all. I tried to make clear (again) that his joking about food really upsets me but I also didn't harp on it. He's set in his ways and his mentality. I do not want to fight with him and then have him travel back to Bangladesh ... I do not want there to be bitter feelings between us because I might hurt his feelings by being angry about food. It's not worth it. I would be so devastated if something happened to him and the last the we had done was leave each other in anger.

Bigger picture. Bigger picture.

The best I can do is lead by example and stay true to my new lifestyle.

So, that has been quite a challenge. It's gotten a bit better though of course there are a few daily incidents that drive me crazy. Still. No need to lose sleep over it. We all make our choices and then have to deal with the consequences.

I'm hoping to get back to the gym by Saturday. I'll probably ease myself into my routine, which is fine. I just want to move again (and not cough)!

Trends of the Past

Today didn't go exactly as planned.

A friend who I had not caught up with in a while asked to meet up, and we ended up spending 4 hours together. Then my father needed some help with some errands, so that took a few hours out of my day as well.

I ended up being late for CrossFit, which I was a bit disappointed by, but y'know, family comes first. Still, I made it, and my Coach made me do 7-min of straight burpees pretty much as soon as I walked in. I managed to do 80. That's by far the most I've ever done in a row. After that I had a 45-minutes boxing session, which felt great as always.


My thoughts for today were centered around how much past habits, trends, and experiences influence how we are at the moment -- and wondering how possible it is to move away from the negative things that have happened in our past in order for it not to lead to a negative present/future. A lot of these thoughts definitely stemmed from my conversation with my friend this morning as well as having my dad around the house and all the conflicts we've been having over eating patterns.

I spent many years being haunted by my past experiences. Whether it's because of what someone somewhere said to me - being teased, being hurt, being betrayed ... there have been life circumstances - certain childhood traumas, going through an invasion/war ... as well as family habits - using food as reward and celebration and not focusing on healthy eating habits.

I feel quite overwhelmed when I think about those things. There is so much that happened in the past ... but that's the thing I need to remember - it was the PAST.

I'm in a different place now.

In fact, I'm in a really different place than when I first started this blog just over a year ago.

Seeing these changes have been positive. They've given me the confidence to keep moving forward and not look back. So what if things happened to me? I'm not saying that they're not significant events - I've had different levels of trauma and abuse - but what's been the biggest change has been letting go of the fear that has been associated with those events.

They are in the past. I no longer need to be afraid of them because they've already happened -- and here I am. I have survived.

It's so easy to blame the past for how things are going right now. There may be some factors at play, but I don't want to get caught up in the fact that since chocolate was used as a reward when I was a child I need to have it now to celebrate because it brings back positive memories.

That's bullshit.

I'm an adult now. Surely, my thinking process has changed beyond the immediate gratification that we desire as children.

The switch in mentality didn't happen overnight. It's been a long process and not always a conscious one. In fact, the changes in my habits now didn't result from me directly thinking about the relationship between my past & present.

It was just about what I wanted NOW and what I needed to do to get it.

It was only after that realization that my current goals were so important to me that I decided to just move forward and work towards them.

It was this movement that helped me leave the past behind.

What happened before will always be a part of my life, but there is no need for it to be part of my present or future, especially not in a way that is negatively affecting my quality of life.

The difference between my dad's attitude towards food and mine has really illuminated how much I've changed ... for the better. I'm happy with those changes even if it means that I'll have to continue saying - No, I don't eat bread. No, I don't eat sugar. - Maybe one day it'll sink in, and even if it doesn't, I've realized it doesn't matter.

I'm living this life for me.
Right here. Right now.

End of an Era

I took advantage and called out 'Ma' several times today just so I could hear her reply and see her coming from the other room. I didn't get to spend enough time with my parents over the last four years as I was so busy with my PhD and between us and them we did a lot of traveling. These past two weeks, as stressful as they've been, have been a blessing. We've formed new memories and strengthened our bond. I'm so grateful that I was given the opportunity to take care of them when they were in need.

Saying good-bye was terrible. I sobbed like a baby. I know that I'll see them again, but what makes it particularly hard for me to say good-bye to my mom is that because of visa restrictions on Bangladeshis in Kuwait, she will not be able to come back and visit. It makes me feel a bit suffocated/scared to think that if for some reason I needed her for an emergency, she wouldn't be able to come.

Still, I'm trying to focus on the positive. I got this time with them; they're not that far away. Nowadays with the ease of travel and the different modes of communication, staying in touch won't be an issue. I bought mom an iPad so that we can FaceTime - it'll make such a difference!

I also know that it is time for them to go back home. My grandmother (mom's mother) and my mom's only sister are very, very ill. It's important for them to all be together - and I'll be visiting them soon. I'm also happy to know that my brother is there to take care of them.

My father came to Kuwait 40 years ago. He then returned to Bangladesh, married my mom, and brought her here in 1975. This has been home ever since. They've seen this country go through so many changes, particularly the 1990 Gulf War; they've had so many good memories. My brother and I were both born here, educated here, and formed many memories here too. This has always been home for us even though we are not citizens of this country. Still, this was our home away from home where we built a family away from family. I have never lived here without my parents. It'll feel strange. It was so moving that a big group of their friends who have known them since the 70's came to the airport to say farewell. It was touching. It also reminded me that though my parents are not here, there is still a massive support system all around, and that people that have known my parents for 4 decades are still here - and are still part of my family.

Today marked the end of an era.

My Mind Said No

I didn't workout today - that's 3 days in a row now ... I would feel guilty if it wasn't for the fact that I got to take a nap next to my mom. I know, I'm 35 - but who says you're ever too old to take a nap with your mom? They've made the decision to leave on Thursday - the paperwork is 85% done. I'll take care of the rest on their behalf ... so the next 48 hours are all about them.

Don't let fitness overtake all other priorities. You don't want to have a perfect body moving through a crappy life.

I don't have a perfect body, and I don't have a crappy life -- but this quote seemed suitable for me today.  Nap with mom totally trumps anything else in my life right now -- without a doubt!

The First and the Last

The First
This week was the first time I did CrossFit 3 times in one week. My only question is - Will burpees ever get easier? They are absolute torture to me. I've done tons of them, but they don't seem to be getting any easier and they completely wipe me out - completely!! {Here's a video on how to do burpees - go to 40 seconds into the video clip and imagine doing it in double time}

Imagine my horror when today's WOD was 5 rounds of 15 dead lifts, 15 burpees, 15 push-ups, 15 leg raises (while hanging from the bar) - each with 5 jump squats in between. They were all fine, but the burpees really killed me. I feel like I should practice them so that I can improve my stamina and my form, but in all honestly, I don't really want to do burpees unless I have to ... but I probably should practice {sob, but I don't want to!} - hmmm who is going to win this battle? We'll see!

The Last
I drove to my parents house for the last time today.

We closed up the house and turned in our keys. It hit me more than I thought I would as I walked from room to room - all empty, reminding me of the way it looked when we first came to the apartment 22 years ago. Although I haven't spent all of the past 22 years at home, it has always been home for me - a place where I could always go to and feel safe. Today, we closed those doors. It marked the end of an era ... and hopefully the start of many new beginnings.

Mom in the hallway, heading into the elevator and me waiting to lock up for the last time.