Moving Forward (Still, Still)

I woke up this morning feeling satisfyingly sore from my last workout of the year at CrossFit Q8. I hadn't been in a while and I'm glad I went because it reminded me of how much I love the CrossFit sessions and how effective the workouts are.

I feel like last year was my year of warming-up. I tried new things. I tested my limits. I learned that even though things might scare me, I am strong enough to confront them. Even if I try things and I fail at first, it is in my best interest to keep trying, and eventually I will succeed.

This is what I wrote on January 1st of last year:

At the end of each year in the past I used to frantically go around trying to finish things I started - make sure the dishes/laundry are done, cross of a few more errands on my list, etc. However, this year, it was different. I felt like 2011 was the end to a frantic and chaotic year ... and 2012 is the year that I'm going to be putting myself back together again and continue my journey moving forward - the title of my first blog post last July [July 2011]. This includes steadily working towards accomplishing each task that I have set for myself - not quickly rushing around to clean the house just before company comes over or going on a crash diet one week before a big event ... No. I've got to be consistent and persistent!! A lot of my resolutions for last year remain the same - lose weight, adopt a healthier lifestyle, spend more time with family/friends, and finish my PhD - so I don't have much to add or change when it comes to the resolutions for this year. However, what I do hope is different this year is the attitude/approach I take towards accomplishing these goals. The over-arching goal for me is to just let it go ... So that is my focus this year - letting go of bad/negative thoughts and emotions as well as the excess baggage I carry around my waistline and my house!! I hope that lightening this load will help me lighten the heaviness I feel in my heart more often than I should.

I feel great starting off this year knowing that I achieved last year's resolutions (though I could have spent a bit more time with family and friends). I learned many important lessons that have set me up to start 2013 in a very positive state of mind to move forward (still, still) and make this year even better than last. There are many things that I want to do this year, and I hope that with patience, practice, discipline, and determination I will be able to achieve them.

I have no specific goals for this year other than to continue on the path I'm on and strive to keep improving. I've joined the 13 in 13 challenge with Rebecca and Weight Wars and a whole bunch of other terrific bloggers and hope that it will help me stay on track through the year. My goals for 2013 will be in the next post.

One year ago

One year ago, I woke up from what was supposed to be a hysterectomy to relieve me from the terrible pain of my uterine fibroids, to find out that the surgery wasn't successful; the fibroids could not be removed; they would remain & continue to multiply/grow and I would have to just suck it up and deal with the pain.

It was terrible, and I had a really tough time coping with this news. I was angry. Very angry. I went through huge bouts of depression and fury. [I still have the occasional bout.]

There were a few days where I just threw my hands up in the air and said: Fuck it. I don't care. However, out of the past 365 days I'm happy to say that most of those days were spent physically healing, getting on track with my diet and exercise, and fueling myself with determination that I will find a solution to this problem and when I do, I'm going to be in terrific shape to help the healing process go by quickly and smoothly.

I know that I was able to physically recover from this past surgery much faster than the previous one in 2008. This was simply because I had been working on improving my health and fitness; I saw the benefits as doing simple things like hoisting myself out of bed and lowering myself down onto a chair were not as difficult as before. It was still challenging, but imagine if I hadn't taken care of my health ... if I hadn't lost some weight ... if I hadn't done any strength training.

It was seeing these results that made me think - Fine. I may not be better, but I'm going to ignore this problem and keep exercising/eating right until I reach my goal. Even if I have a uterus that is the size of a woman's who is 6-months pregnant (very irritating when you're NOT pregnant!!!), I'm not going to let that be a reason for why I can't lose weight, become fitter, and thinner!

It's been a slow process, but I'm finally making really good strides and moving forward.

I still have daily pain, and some days are terrible. I still feel upset, but those moments are temporary because lamenting on my situation won't make me better.

I am finally ready to start researching further options to take care of this problem. I think I will try acupuncture for some pain management, because I really don't want to be taking pain killers if I can help it. Plus I've got a few numbers of some doctors in London and the States who I'd like to check with and see if they can help or at least advise.

I will continue to cope and make the best of the situation for now, but I really would like the problem to be solved. I can't believe that in today's day and age a handful of fibroids and adhesions are going to keep me in this much discomfort for the rest of my life.

So, it's time to tackle this upcoming year so that next year's post will be even more positive and have some good news.

In the meantime, I'll be exercising, eating right, and working on staying positive.

Tweaking

I can't believe it's October already. Things have been getting more and more hectic recently as things at work are picking up, the social scene is starting to come back to life, and of course having to deal with the endless, ever-expanding to-do list.

I'm just finished Day 17 of the Whole Life Challenge. So far I've got a perfect score, but that's going to change this coming weekend as I'll be in Germany for my best friend's wedding. I'm not intentionally going to stray from the nutrition guidelines as set by the challenge, but I'm foreseeing a few meals where I may not have much of a say about the ingredients that are used. Still, I'm not taking this as a 'What the hell, I might as well indulge' kind of trip. I hope to stay on track as much as possible, and if I happen to lose 3 points each day because of things that are out of my control, then that's just the consequence I'll have to suffer. We'll see.

I'm definitely pleased with how I'm feeling so far - much lighter on my feet, more energetic (despite not getting enough sleep), and just generally healthy. Each day I'm more convinced that I'll try to keep this up even after the 8-weeks are over. However, I don't want to speak too soon.

After returning from Germany there are a few things I want to tweak with my routine in general and with my eating.

I think I'm still getting too much sugar - though this time from fruits. Still, I want to cut my fruit portions down (how ironic that over the spring and summer I was struggling to eat even one piece of fruit each day!) to 1, maximum 2 servings a day. Plus I want to stick with foods/fruits that have lower glycemic index values as a whole. I also want to cut down how much olive oil I'm using to cook. I'm generally using 1 tablespoon of olive oil to cook a 3-portion meal, but once in a while I use more. I just want to be a bit more careful about how much I'm using. There may be a few other things that I will change, but these are the main things right now.

These modifications are not for the calorie count; they're actually more about necessity - do I need more olive oil? Do I need more fruit? Again, just because something is 'allowed' by the challenge doesn't mean that I should just abandon all caution and gorge in it (slight exaggeration here).

As for my routine - I know I don't use my time efficiently. I do have a lot of stuff going on, but I need to be better with my time management. I've definitely made my exercise a priority, and I don't want to change that at all. At the moment I'm averaging 14 hours of exercise per week (I'd actually love to be able to squeeze in another hour or two per week). However, I'm slacking with other things. Hopefully I'll come up with a good plan that I can implement and that will help me achieve my non-fitness/health goals.

We'll see how it goes!

Happy October :) 

Post to Myself

Dear Me,

 I know that a few weeks ago you wouldn't have been able to write this letter. Yes, just a few weeks ago... but now look where you are.

You have come such a long way ... Such a very long way, especially since 1990 when you started to face many challenges.

You have been physically abused, emotionally abused, taken advantage of, told you were worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. You have been afraid of so many things - getting close to other people, trusting other, letting yourself be loved, taking chances, believing in yourself.

No more. No more.

You are stronger than ever before.
You are faster than ever before.
You are smarter than ever before.
You are surrounded by more supportive people than ever before.

The journey is not over, but that is actually the good news. Now you can go forward with newfound confidence and belief in yourself. There is still much work to be done, but you can do it - you have done it! Keep moving forward but now slow down a little. You know now that you are strong. You know now that a bit of pain and struggle does not mean things are impossible.

Enjoy the process. Take in the view. Breathe. Be fearless.

Me.

Unwinding

It all still hasn't hit me yet but I guess that's normal since it is an almost 5-year chapter of my life that has come to an end. The whole experience was surreal and the whole 3-hour ordeal was over in what felt like 15 minutes. I was so pleased and proud of my their response to my writing and they way I handled their grilling (their terminology). I feel like most of the past 5 years has been spent doubting my capabilities and feeling like I wasn't smart enough to pull this off. Having two experts in the field praise me so highly has given me a much needed boost and I can finally say that I do feel proud. I did earn this.

This feeling reminds me of the song by Kate Earl - Learning to Fly.
I've always wanted to reach a moment where I could feel this type of pride. I am so thankful for how it has all gone. I am so thankful that I feel I have earned this moment.

Learning to Fly - Kate Earl

I've made mistakes 
But I won't be ashamed 
It feels like fate is lifting me 
I can't seem to keep my feet on the ground 
I no longer hide 
So I let the sun wash over me 
Cause there's no darkness left to hold me down 
And I feel it's light 
And I found the spark that was missing from my life. 


I've earned these wings I was not born with them 
And it's no accident 
How I walked through the rain and the fire 
Cause it taught me how to love 
It taught me how to fight 
And finally I'm learning to fly 

----

Listen to it if you get the chance. Off to the gym this morning for a final workout before leaving Canterbury. I'll be in London for a mega-shopping spree, so that will count as both my cardio and weight lifting for the next two days :)

Didn't Plan On It

It's 6:55 p.m. and I'm starving. I'm crazy starving.

About half an hour ago I had a banana and half a cup of low fat organic yogurt.

I'll eat dinner in about half an hour, but I have no idea what to eat. There are lots of options, but today is one of those days when I just don't feel like making a thing. I don't feel like chopping the vegetables. I don't feel like cooking fish. I don't even feel like opening a can of something. I just want to be full and done with it. This is what happens when I don't plan properly.

Worst of all, I'm cranky.

I know I should be in the kitchen chopping some of those vegetables and preparing a tasty, nutritious meal, but for once I just want to take the easy way out and have someone already prepare it for me ... fat chance of that happening.

*whine*

Although my leg isn't feeling 100% better, I went to the gym this morning and did 8.5 km on the cross-trainer (1 hr 5 min). I'd love to believe the calorie burn stated on the machine (750 calories) but I doubt I burned that much. In any case, I exercised, and though there were some points when my leg felt a bit strained, I felt good overall. After the workout I did my physio which also helped with my thigh muscle strain ... and then spent a good 10-15 minutes doing some deep stretching -- definitely felt good.

After writing yesterday's post about not having gotten this weight loss thing right yet, I felt quite down. I work hard. I go to the gym regularly. I am quite disciplined ... yet I am still overweight. Something must be wrong. I know part of it is the hormone/fibroid problem ... but it's only part of it. I think that is something that may keep me from losing the last 10 lbs, but what about the 50 lbs before that? No, that's entirely up to me. So what is it?

I look back at what I wrote and realize that I have said "quite" disciplined. Perhaps "quite" is not good enough. I need to change that to 'very' disciplined. If I am going to see the changes that I want, then I'm going to have to really take things up a notch.

With that in mind, I went back to the gym this afternoon for another 45 minutes of cardio. I didn't kill myself or overdo it. I just walked for 45 minutes at a decent pace and at a 2% incline.

When I was at my lowest weight (a year and a half ago) I did it through watching what I ate ... but more than that, I was spending 3-5 hours at the gym on a daily basis. Does that sound insane? Yes. Did it work? Yes.

For the past year I have been watching what I've been eating - averaging about 1400 calories a day - and exercising regularly - I'd say averaging 1 1/2 hours 5 days a week. Any progress? Some. More like shift in weight/body shape - than loss of weight. Is that ok? Yes to a point ... now I've got to move on.

So, just over 2.5 hours of exercise today and about 900 calories consumed so far ... now I've got to figure out a fulfilling, tasty 400 calorie dinner. I guess it's time to go chop some of those vegetables!

Still in that Chair

I fully intended to go to the gym today - or at least do some sort of workout at home -- but it didn't happen. I just could not get away from my desk. It's amazing how much I still have to do to get my thesis in the shape I want it to be in. I'm definitely frustrated. I travel in a week and I'm so busy with my editing that I can't even enjoy the build-up to the trip ... oh well. I've just got to focus on getting it done -- so unfortunately no workout today, just more ass-enlarging. *sigh*

At least I've been eating well - today I made a delicious cauliflower soup (will post the recipe later) and not having any junk food in the house has really helped - so now I just munch on nuts/dried fruit whenever the craving arises.

*sigh*

It's tough not to feel overwhelmed - there's so much I want to be doing right now, but it'll all have to wait. All I can do is keep moving forward ...

Moving Forward (Still)

Any year that starts off to dancing to great music with good friends is bound to be a good one – at least that’s what I’m hoping for!

At the end of each year in the past I used to frantically go around trying to finish things I started – make sure the dishes/laundry are done, cross of a few more errands on my list, etc. However, this year, it was different.

I felt like 2011 was the end to a frantic and chaotic year … and 2012 is the year that I’m going to be putting myself back together again and continue my journey moving forward – the title of my first blog post last July. This includes steadily working towards accomplishing each task that I have set for myself – not quickly rushing around to clean the house just before company comes over or going on a crash diet one week before a big event … no. I’ve got to be consistent and persistent!!

A lot of my resolutions for last year remain the same – lose weight, adopt a healthier lifestyle, spend more time with family/friends, and finish my PhD – so I don’t have much to add or change when it comes to the resolutions for this year. However what I do hope is different this year is the attitude/approach I take towards accomplishing these goals.

The over-arching goal for me is to just let it go --- I am haunted by so many things in my past that I often feel like I can’t move under all that pressure. A fantastic conversation with my boxing trainer (more details on that in a post later this week) really got me thinking. Since I am still recovery from my surgery and am not ready to go back into my boxing training he pulled me aside and started to talk to me about the importance of mental training as well – how having a clear mind, as well as a clear heart, can give me an enormous amount of strength. The conversation was like none I’ve ever had before and it is something that I’ve been thinking about for the past five days … The basic theme – Let it go – all the grudges, regrets, anger … as well as the bad habits – the idea that something is absolutely necessary, that I MUST have it, that it MUST be done right now, my way …

So that is my focus this year – letting go of bad/negative thoughts and emotions as well as the excess baggage I carry around my waistline and my house!! I hope that lightening this load will help me lighten the heaviness I feel in my heart more often than I should.

Of course I am committed to continuing my weight loss journey. I start this year 5 kg less than last year, but still heavier than my lightest (August 2009). I have no specific fitness goals per se – perhaps finishing the NROL4W program. My overall goal for fitness is to just keep improving.

On that note, I started off the year with a great cardio session. I was keeping a chart to track my post-surgery recovery progress … today I will start a new chart.

Date	Time	Distance	Av. speed	Calories	Maximum
Jan. 1	1 hour	5.9 km	5.9 km/hr	340	15 min @ 6.2 km/hr

For those of you keeping track, my average speed for my first cardio session after surgery was 4.3 km/hr – so I’ve managed to improve by 1.6 km/hr in just 3 weeks. I am really happy with that.

This is Day 1 of a new year … my goal for the rest of the year is to just keep improving this statistic in one way or another – go faster, walk for longer, burn more calories – whatever … I just want it to improve.

In addition to all of this, I have also joined The Happiness Project (hosted by weightwars.co.uk). To be honest, I do feel a bit skeptical about how much going through a project like this will really help my inner happiness … but it’s something that I’m striving to achieve this year, so I’m going to try it.

Since this is already quite a long post, I’ll write my entry for the Happiness Project tomorrow …

In the meantime, I’m sharing a quote and a photo that have inspired me and helped give me the confidence to try to let it all go …

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” – Lao Tzu

Farewell 2011!

Yesterday was a day of rest for me - and boy did I need it! Not only were my thighs burning from Thursday's squats and lunges, but I was in quite a bit of pain ... I wonder if it had to do with the Swiss ball crunches + reverse crunches that I did or maybe it was the fact that I worked out two days in a row (a first since my surgery) ... It didn't feel like surgical pain; it actually felt like the 'normal' uncomfortable pain that prompted my surgery in the first place. In any case, for most of the day I didn't feel well at all (had to resort to painkillers unfortunately), but things seemed to get better by the evening. Perhaps it really was just a need for rest.

Despite the pain, I started today off with an early morning workout - a bit of cardio (went up to 6 km/hr for 10 minutes today, yay!!) and then Workout A for NROL4W. I really hope that I can finish the program before my trip to Argentina.

I guess the end of the year is a normal time to reflect on what went right/wrong -- and how to proceed in the upcoming year.

I do feel like this year had more downs than ups. I feel like I never really caught my footing. My PhD work (which is still not done) took over most of my time ... that resulted in fewer workouts than I would have liked, less time with my friends and family, and just overall stress ... put that together with my illnesses over the year and you can see that it's been a frustrating year.

I'd have to say, however, that one of the best things about this year is this blog. For me, it has been a great way to express myself and just keep a general log of how I'm feeling/doing day to day. The bonus has been an incredibly supporting network of bloggers out there - some of who I definitely consider friends even though we've never met.

The most important thing I learnt this year -- I am a lot stronger than I realized -- and that's what I'm going to keep in mind as I start this new year ...

For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"~

Wishing you all health and happiness in the new year.

As the days go by - Part II

I'm starting off today's blog post from where I left off in yesterday's post ...

Control.

I'll be the first one to admit that I am a bit of a control freak. I want things done MY way. I want to have control of everything that's going around me ... the more I feel like I'm out of control, the more I obsessively focus my energy and attention on minute details. For example, when I'm feeling really stressed and that things are spinning out of control, I'll focus on something that I can control - to the point of obsession, whether that means scrubbing the floor, organizing/reorganizing my closet, counting calories/restricting my food intake. While it may feel like I've got control over that task at hand, what it really does is distract me. In some cases it even compounds the problem. The bottom line is that my control/obsession issues were really holding me back ... I needed to learn how to let go.

Letting go of fear and dealing with control issues were things I tried to tackle in 2011 ... I think I did a good job - my confidence in swimming has increased, my fear of dogs is much, much more controlled - I no longer have a full-on panic attack but can just calmly stand (next step is to pet one!), if someone doesn't get back to me soon confirming/canceling plans we made then I no longer wait and obsess - I move on and do what I need to do ... I think all these things were positive steps, but I have also realized that it is a work in progress -- and indeed, three is a lot of work still left to be done!

Fear is what kept me from reaching my goals in the past - fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of pain ... but this year I thought "Fuck the fear. I can do this. There is no reason I cannot succeed."

So I went forward and gave it my all. I tried to keep pushing through no matter what.

Ironically what got in the way were things that were completely out of my control - health issues, family issues, etc. These are things I had not foreseen or planned for. I had not choice but to let go and roll with the punches. It was tough - really tough. I used to not be able to workout if I forgot my iPod and other silly things like that. This year I said enough was enough - it was time to grow up and realize that not everything could be controlled, and more that that, not everything has to be controlled! That doesn't mean that I will be able to completely let things go (I haven't come that far!) but I will definitely try.

I like that I am now able to tell myself - You CAN do this. You are strong. Try and you will achieve.

I definitely believe in myself and have more confidence in myself than I did a even at the beginning of this year - at least when it comes to my fitness. However, food/exercise is just one aspect of my life -- I still have a lot of insecurities and self-doubt. I have often thought, 'When I reach my goal weight, I will be happier.' However, I know that the happiness I am seeking is not hidden in my layers of fat. No, they're in my mind and in my soul ... hours on the cross-trainer will not take care of those mental demons. So there is still a lot to be done.

I take comfort in the fact that I have not given up. I am still driven and eager to make my life the best it can be. I have learned that I am strong and that no matter how far I've fallen down, there is a way to come back up again ... if that is what I desire.

With hard work, dedication, and patience ... anything is possible.

Treading Slowly

I went to the gym today!!

I had an insanely busy day and though I did get a lot done (errand-wise), I knew I would not feel like my day would be successful unless I made it to the gym ... so I did!

I was so excited to be at the gym - FINALLY! It had been 40 days since my last workout - 40 days!! I wish I could have just started running or something; after all, I had 40 days of workouts to make up for! Still, I knew I had to be sensible (I hate having to be sensible!!) so I just got on the treadmill and started off slow ... and when I say slow, I mean SLOW! I was just ambling at 3.5 km/hr for the first few minutes and then took it up gradually. The 'fastest' I managed to go was 4.8 km/hr, and even then, only for a 2-minute stretch before I started to feel like it was causing some strain :(

It was tough. I mean, emotionally tough, not really physically tough. I used to warm up at 5.5, so to not even be able to hit 5 km/hr was tough to take ... but still, I was at the gym - finally on the road to proper physical recovery!

I had set goal to walk for 35 minutes, which I did without a problem. My average speed was 4.3 km/hr (2.52 km total walked and 153 calories burned). It's not much, but it's my starting point - hopefully only improvement from here on out! :)

The Last Rant

This internal monologue used to be constant - it was almost easier when it was constant because it was kind of all that I was focusing on. Now, it's more intermittent. Everything will be fine and then all of a sudden I'll feel like somebody punched me in the stomach, yet I'll have to keep my composure because you can't just fall apart whenever you want to ... I'm struggling, but I'm also tired of the ups and downs. It's absolutely exhausting ... so this is my final rant. I'm putting it all out there and then I'm just going to move on. These thoughts have been haunting me and though the don't hit me as frequently, they still hit me as hard.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I can't believe that the surgery wasn't a success.

I can't believe that they couldn't even take out the 6-cm fibroid that caused the alarm in the first place. They just closed me up? Just like that? What - and shrug their shoulders saying, 'Sorry, there's nothing we can do.' That's it?

Did I make a mistake? Did I rush into this surgery? Did I choose the wrong surgeon? I knew that having a hysterectomy was in my future after my surgery three years ago, so I don't think I made a mistake in my decision. Did the surgeons do all that they could, or were they just not prepared to go further? I don't think they did all they could.

So now I'm stuck here.

Stuck with a uterus that's the size of a 6-month pregnant woman's uterus.

Stuck with the haunting words of that doctor who said, 'You can't lose weight around your abdomen no matter what you do.'

I'm stuck with these fibroids that are not only still in my uterus, but will probably keep growing and keep multiplying.

I'm stuck with the fact that at this point, even if I did want children, I wouldn't be able to.

Worst of all, I'm stuck with the pain and discomfort.

Stuck. That's how I feel. I've heard all the encouraging words - They wouldn't have found out about the adhesions if you hadn't had the surgery (or so we're assuming). There may be another doctor somewhere in the world who can help you. Things will get better, just wait. Time heals all wounds. Blah blah blah - All I have to say is 'Shut the fuck up.' I don't care about those words. I don't care. I know that there are thousands of people who have it worse than me. I know that things happen for a reason. I know that there are some things in our lives that we just have no control over. I also know that medical miracles do happen. However, at this point in time, I don't care ... as you're sitting there, smiling, giving encouragement, urging me forward, all I can do is smile and nod and say I know ... but all I really want to do is punch you in the stomach and see if you can stand that pain on a daily basis.

This is my pain. My reality. My problem.

I have been positive. I think I have been a pillar of 'Keep your head up and keep moving forward.' I will continue to move forward and be as strong as I can because really, that's all that I can do. However, in the midst of all this, I have not taken the time to grieve over what happened, and I think that has really been affecting me. So today I'm taking the time to grieve - even if it's by myself and via this blog. I'm just letting it all out there for the first and last time.

I felt like before it was already a struggle to keep moving forward and staying motivated - having to have a pep talk on a daily basis to keep yourself going is exhausting ... and I had to do that before I had the surgery ... so now it's even tougher. Still, I'll keep going forward - of course I'll keep going forward ... I'm just hoping that letting these words out into the open will help take some of the weight off my shoulders (if not my abdomen - hahaha, see, I still have a sense of humor!).

End of rant.

Seduced by Dean & Deluca

Although I haven't been feeling like myself for the past week I thought enough is enough. It's time to start getting back into a routine, still allowing for rest and being realistic about what I can/can't do (no gym until Wednesday at the earliest!). I originally had a bunch of errands planned for today as I had hoped I'd be done with my writing. I decided to go through with them anyway. I think getting back into a proper routine and not obsessively trying to write will be better for me.

So, did my errands and thought I'd do a bit of retail therapy -- but today's retail therapy was different. Instead of buying stuff, I splurged at Dean and Deluca.

I don't normally buy my fresh fruit from there, though I'm always teased by their gorgeously arranged fruits in baskets. Everything always looks so fresh and delicious. It's hard to resist fruit when it's arranged so enticingly - add the fact that they can be diced up for you and ready to go - total bonus. So today I stocked up on their fruit - pineapples, melons, watermelon, strawberries - and a bunch of vegetables. Yum!

Now my fridge is stocked and my menu for the week is planned. I've got a reasonable study schedule mapped out to help me get through this last phase of writing and a moderate gym plan to ease me back into a routine while my lungs recuperate.

Slow and steady. Slow and steady. Gotta keep moving forward.

Staying Focused

My medical results from my London check-up arrived in the mail today. I have been trying hard not to think about the fact that I need to have another surgery because I have enough to focus on at the moment. It's hard because I feel the discomfort all the time and the painful abdominal cramps every once in a while - they're not easy to ignore. Then you add the physical evidence of my medical condition [I know I'm being evasive, just don't want to get into it at the moment] and it becomes even tougher to ignore. In any case, I have to push it out of my head. I can't afford further distractions at the moment - the voices in my head are distracting enough!

The report went into a lot of detail about my overall health evaluation and I'm so happy that I've got the results in black and white as well as red, orange, and green. I'm glad that most of my results were in the green (very good), with just a few in the orange (can be managed) and the only thing being in the red was related to my weight. I should be (am) very grateful that the one thing marked in red is actually one thing that I can control. As I bring my weight down, the diabetes risk goes down significantly as well. The fear of getting diabetes (because most of my family members have it) has been a major factor in trying to lose weight.

At a time when I don't want to worry about anything more than I have to I was glad to have my results because it also gave me the chance to focus on the positive aspects. My fitness tests results as I had said before are excellent. I beat all the predictions that they had made for my age, weight, and family history. Plus, since the last body composition analysis I've lost 6 kilos of fat and gained 7 kilos of muscle - that's also helped boost my metabolism. These are all good things.

For now, I have to be satisfied with exercising whenever possible and on days when I can't, just being extra conscious of what I eat. Life happens, there's no avoiding that ... I've become much better at rolling with the punches (and throwing a few of my own) to make sure that I continue to move forward. The only satisfaction I am going to get is from me knowing that I am always trying my best. Anything else - well, that's not even an option.

Keep. Moving. Forward.

Still -- Scratch that: Not Standing Still

This is the blog post I wrote at around 6:30 p.m.

I did not make it to the gym today even though I had already taken yesterday off as a rest day. I just could not tear myself away from my writing. I definitely made a lot of progress (finally) on my thesis, but still.

I know that I said I wouldn't be too hard on myself for the next two weeks in terms of getting to the gym because of my upcoming deadline. Until October 1st, the PhD has to take priority. I know that skipping one workout in the grand scheme of things is not the biggest drama in the world - and it's not like I added insult to injury by eating crappy food.

Still.

I've read other people's blogs when they say that they couldn't make it to the gym and I know what I think to myself - Why not? How are you going to make progress if you don't make changes in your behavior?

Today I'm thinking those thoughts about myself.

I have to move on. Dwelling on this is not going to help me burn any extra calories or get any more writing done. Think bigger picture, right? Not exercising today does not mean not exercising ever. It just means that today it didn't happen.

Still.

Even typing those words irritates me. My exercise goal for this week (according to my new plan) was to hit a total of 8-10 hours of exercise. I only managed 5 this week (9 if you include Thursday night's dancing, which was definitely some serious cardio!) Granted I gave myself an 'out' by saying this 8-10 hours was the ideal ... but I don't like the idea of giving myself an 'out' ... this is a very important goal -- I guess for the next two weeks the goal of finishing up my thesis is more important.

Gosh I sound like such a drama queen. Well, the day is pretty much over over here. Tomorrow is another day, the start of another week.

*******************************************

It is now 8 p.m.

I couldn't stand the fact that I didn't get a workout in today. I thought to myself, 'I may not be able to fit in the time to drive to the gym, workout, shower, drive back, and still eat an early enough dinner (we're looking at least 2 hours) BUT I've got everything I need to do a good workout at home.

I've got my jump rope (not this one which sucked) for cardio, my resistance bands for - well, for resistance training of course, and my sit-up bench for my core work ... and even without those things I've got a bunch of exercise DVDs that I used to use ... and even I didn't have any of that, I know that there's a ton of stuff I can do at home without equipment (like the Dreaded Workout I did while I was in London).

Anyway. The bottom line is that I wanted to workout. I could not let myself NOT workout. My irritation towards not exercising would have interfered with my studying. It just goes to show that if you really want to do it, you'll find a way. The PhD is definitely a top priority, but it doesn't mean that I can't fit in some sort of exercise. Something is better than nothing.

So what did I end up doing?

I've been trying to work up to 6 minutes straight jumping rope (part of my boxing training program - not professional, just for fun) so I had another go at that. I did the total 6 minutes but not in a row - The longest I could manage was 1 min 15 seconds ... who knows how long it'll take me to reach the 6 minutes!

I followed that with a 50 minute workout (using this DVD), and ended with 50 sit ups on my ab bench.

Total time: 1 hour

NOW I feel like I had a really productive day.

Smiles all around!

Motivation Monday -- Improving Day by Day

Cry for Relief

I had every intention of going to the gym this morning for one last holiday workout before starting off on my string of train rides (which I'm starting to get quite sick of) but my body had other plans. The soreness started to set in last night after all the traveling and running around in the rain. It wasn't just my legs that were sore, it was my whole body ... and my mind.

I didn't sleep well last night as I was preoccupied with all the events of yesterday - both my mock viva and all the news I got at the doctor's office. I feel very overwhelmed. I went through pretty much the whole day feeling numb, and then, of all the times to happen, a few tears escaped while I was sitting and talking to my supervisor. I didn't expect that to happen. I was holding everything in, just waiting until I was at the airport/on the plane so that I could actually have a few moments to myself to process everything ... but I guess that's life, isn't it?

I don't remember exactly what happened or what prompted it, but all I can remember is me dabbing my eyes and muttering to myself 'I'm going to be ok. I'm going to be ok.' I realize now that I was repeating that phrase trying to convince myself and not my supervisor that I was going to be ok. Am I? I'm not sure.

I feel like I've spent so much of the past year (few years?) just trying to get through each day. One step at a time. Keep moving. Keep pushing. It's all taking such a lot of effort - is it all supposed to be this hard? I'm just trying to figure out how much more can happen? Yes, I can deal with things. Yes, I am strong. Fine. But still. It's not easy. Getting through each day doesn't mean that I have processed it all; it doesn't meant that I'm ok with what's happening around me.

Anyway ... I'm sitting here at Heathrow Airport trying to figure out my next step. I know I make it sound like it's just been one drama after another and I haven't been enjoying life ... that's not true. What I do think has been happening is that I haven't taken the time to appreciate the good times ... and I haven't been giving myself enough time to process the more challenging times ... so what happens is something like today - when all of a sudden the vulnerability hits and I can't help those falling tears.

I think I need to give myself a bit of breathing room. I need to figure out how to maximize the time and effort I'm putting into my work/work outs in a way that doesn't burn me out and in a way that allows me to actually enjoy what I'm doing rather than just move forward on autopilot. It may help ease some of the pressure that I've been putting on myself ... I'm not sure if it'll work or if I'll be able to do this ... but it's something I'll think about during my flight.

I can't wait to get back to warmer weather, my Mac, and the gym!!

Taking the next step

Today was a busy day. I had my mock viva in the morning and my doctor's appointment in the evening. I was tense about both but after a really good HIIT cardio session and some core work I felt a bit better ... Or more honestly, I felt that even if nothing else went well the rest of the day at least I got in a good workout [in addition to briskly walking to and from campus & the train station in windy, rainy weather!]

The mock viva was tough and scary. I think I did ok ... The main thing I realized was how much more work lies ahead. It's hard not to let that overwhelm me, but I know that panicking is not going to help me - I just need to get the work done. It's as simple as that.

I left Canterbury around 3 pm to head into London for my doctor's appointment and didn't get back to my hotel until just after 9. Needless to say I was exhausted. The appointment was ok. I found out that I need to have surgery again - it's the same surgery I had three years ago. I was told back then that it would be likely that I'd need to have the surgery again, but they were saying maybe in ten years. I should not have to deal with this so soon. The recovery was so painful - I don't want to go through that again. Anyway. There's nothing I can do right now. I won't have the surgery until after I get my PhD - after that I can figure out what I want to do.

So now it's just about taking the next step and moving forward. I'm going to use my time at the airport tomorrow to come up with a reasonable schedule for the rest of the month. It's been a challenging day, but I survived ...

Now, to end on a bright note. I discovered Holland and Barrett's today! I had walked past the store several times but had never gone in. I didn't really know what to expect, but I was very pleasantly surprised! They had rows and rows of completely natural fruit and seed bars, different types of whole grains, and a whole bunch of natural food products. I had never seen such a wide selection before! I had to resist buying tons of stuff since I can't carry it all back, but I did buy a few different kinds of nutrition bars to try back home. Can't wait :)