Alive, Well, and Stressed

Hi!! Just a quick check in because I know I've been MIA for ages now. Everything is fine. The move to London has been keeping me preoccupied. Although I still have several weeks here in Kuwait, the cargo company is sending their packers on Friday -- which means that I need to have the house sorted by then. Not only do I need to figure out what to take, but I also have to figure out what I need here to last me until I leave -- and that I can take with me in my luggage. It's been quite a task.

So it's full on stress mode over here. Things are coming together slowly. It really has been a non-stop task. I'm literally running from room to room to get things done and it's a constant go-go-go from 5:30 a.m. until I collapse.

I think I'll really be relieved after this weekend because once the packers have taken everything, then the decision has been made. I either carry what's remaining with me when I leave or I sell it/donate it before I head out.

On the health and fitness side, things have been ok, but as the move has been approaching, my focus and time allocation towards exercise has been diminishing. It's been 3 weeks since I've hit the gym for a weight training session. The only thing I was focusing on was my MMA training (3 hours on 3 days a week). However, from this week I'm dropping that to just 2 hours -- and after tonight's training session, no gym or anything for me until after the weekend. My 'workout' for the next few days will consist of lifting and moving boxes.

I know that there are plenty of exercises that I can do at home to get in a workout. I'll see. I'm achy and sore all over from everything else that I'm doing. Holding off for a few days to focus on this massive change in my life is alright -- in the meantime, I'm definitely doing what I can to keep my food on track. As tempting as a pre-cooked meal from somewhere might sound (for convenience), I've still been cooking. My crockpot has been a saving grace for me these past few days!!

In other news, my Kajukenbo coach is away for a competition and he left me and another student (senior in ranking to me) in charge of the class while he's away. We ran a great class together last week. However, this week she was unable to make it, so I got to run my first class on my own! It went well & I definitely enjoyed it :)

Ok. That's it from me. Next update on Monday. Hope everyone has been doing well.

after Kajukenbo class last week

Winding Down & Gearing Up

We wrapped up our week of Kajukenbo seminars last night. It was a great experience. I learned a lot, and it just fueled my passion and enthusiasm to train harder, learn more, and keep practicing.

Just a few pix from last night's closing ceremony plus the previous day's outdoor training -- and then, stay tuned for some big news coming up in the next few days.

Team photo on the day of our beach training (Feb. 12, 2014) - this is actually the beach that's part of my regular gym

Gotta keep practicing those kicks! (Feb. 12, 2014)

The Grand Masters and I (Feb. 14, 2014)

My Coach - Sifu Ahmad & I 

Trust your coach & trust yourself -- and you'll be unstoppable.

Feb. 14, 2014

Learning a bit about Sambo during our outdoor training session on Feb. 13, 2014

Kajukenbo Seminar

This whole week we've got Grand Masters visiting from Hawaii and holding a Kajukenbo seminar. My days have been LONG - and they're not over yet.

Up and out of the house to hit the gym at 6:30 a.m.
Straight to work.
Home to eat a little and rest before heading out to the seminar around 3 p.m. and getting home around 10:30/11 p.m.

I'm tired, but it's all been great. A few pix of what I've been up to.

I finally got to learn how to do an ankle lock!! I've been wanting to learn this for ages! It's very effective :)

Morning MMA training -- blood and bruises are part of the process. 

Kajukenbo Ohana Kuwait

February 2014 Group Photo

Frustrated

I don't know where the days are going. I seem to be doing something every minute of the day. I was hoping that this semester would be easy, especially given that I've taught this course for years and last year my lesson plans/power point slides were really good. However, I found out last week that the book that we're using has been changed -- that means that all my plans from last year are useless. I mean, a few things are salvageable, but it still means putting in several hours a week preparing for class.

Last week I got back to my Kajukenbo training. That felt really good. The class is full of new faces - all new to the class. This whole week I was the only yellow belt that showed up, so I was used a number of times to demonstrate some of the moves. There are a few things that I'm good at and others that I struggle with. Thursdays class involved kicks -- my kicking sucks. I just have no power behind my kicks. I left class with tears in my eyes, totally dissatisfied with how I performed in class. Even my coach's words of encouragement didn't lift my mood. I know I'm hard on myself -- I get frustrated. What can I say?

On Wednesday I started my morning gym routine. I'd like to hit the gym 4 times a week plus do my Kajukenbo 3 times a week. I still have my Brazilian Jiujitsu training to work into the mix - I haven't been able to do that so far. However, I'm meeting with my coach next week and we'll see what can be arranged.

It felt great to get back to the gym albeit still very frustrating because I can't use my arms/upper body. On Wednesday I focused on legs (what else could I do?). I really pushed myself and I was pleased with how my workout went.

However, when I woke up on Thursday, I could barely walk. Every step was painful (the good, but torturous kind of pain). I got myself to the gym and got on the treadmill. Somehow I managed to push out an HIIT workout. It's been a long time since I've sprinted. Given how sore my legs were, I don't know how I stayed on the treadmill. After that I decided to do some core work - plank, crunches, reverse curls etc.

Again, I'm frustrated because although there are lots of exercises I can do without my arms, I feel like it's a bit of overkill on my legs. I know that I'm just getting back into the routine, so initial soreness is to be expected, but what about later? Suppose I still can't use my arms for another month? How much leg work can I do while still being effective?

That night at Kajukenbo, as luck would have it, we ran, worked on sprints, and did all sorts of leg exercises plus focused on kicks.

Seriously?

It was hard enough going down the stairs to get to class, but then to focus on legs? It was tough. Really tough.

I know that added to my disappointing performance. However, I don't want to make excuses. I don't want to say that my kicks sucked because I was sore. I need to find a way to get past this.

I need to find a way to schedule my workouts so I'm not exhausted and that I can give 100% in whatever I'm doing. I haven't figured out how to do this yet.

To help me get over my frustration about class, my brother was kind enough to be my tackling dummy this weekend. I feel much better now that I've put in a few more hours of practice. I still have so much further to go though. It's ok - I just have to keep at it.

Hello 2014!

Happy New Year!!

The last few weeks of 2013 were really busy for me, as you can see from my lack of posting towards the end of the year. I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit down and write. On top of all that, I feel sick again and spent the last 2 weeks of 2013 with another bout of bronchitis (and it's still lingering).

I spent the end of the year in Las Vegas. D & I decided to fly out for UFC 168. Since we were there for UFC 162 this past summer, during which the outcome of the main event (Anderson Silva vs. Chris Weidman) was very surprising (Weidman won), we decided to go and watch the rematch. On top of that, Ronda Rousey, my favorite female fighter, was fighting (Rousey won, yay!!). The event was awesome, and although it was a very long way to go for such a short period of time, it was totally worth it!

A few highlights of my trip:

Meeting UFC Heavyweight Champion Cain Valasquez

Meeting Jessamyn Duke - Contender on The Ultimate Fighter Season 18 (TUF 18)

Meeting Shayna Baszler - Contender on The Ultimate Fighter Season 18 (TUF 18)

I met Grand Master Janice Somera earlier this year when she came to Kuwait to give a Kajukenbo seminar. Meeting her was really special for me as she somehow unlocked something inside of me that helped me dig deep and push forward, not just with MMA training, but with my approach to life in general. I don't think words can describe the positive and powerful influence she had on me. It was an absolute miracle that she was in Las Vegas at the same time I was -- being able to spend a few hours with her was a wonderful way to end the year.

Me at UFC 168

Team Rousey on board! 

So here we are, Jan. 1, 2014 -- I went back to my post from Jan. 1st of last year to see what I had written as my goals/expectations for the year. It was strange to read the goals. I feel like I accomplished a lot, but when it comes to actually looking at the list and ticking things off, 2013 was not a successful year for me. There are so many things I did not achieve (e.g. I gave up on my burpee challenge; I didn't run my 10km etc.) Is it strange that I feel like 2013 was a very good year for me yet I didn't achieve those goals? Maybe I need to keep track of all the things I did achieve that were not on my list of resolutions/goals:

- I became a certified Fitness Nutritionist
- I became a certified Fitness/Personal trainer
- I successfully completed the Whole Life Challenge twice (coming in 7th place and tied first respectively)
- I continued to consistently lose weight (though I did not reach my goal weight)
- I've made a lot of progress with my MMA training
- I feel like living healthy really is part of my lifestyle and I'm no longer frantically searching for the 'right way' to lose weight; I'm still tweaking, but I feel confident in knowing what I need to do and doing it

After writing all that down, I don't feel so bad. Of course there were many circumstances that I had not planned on during the year (illness, injury, out of town visitors, travel), but despite those, I think I did a good job staying on track.

I have only one overarching goal for 2014: Be healthy and happy. 

Each month I'll still be keeping track of my progress. Setting small monthly goals also helps me keep on track and keep moving forward.

Jan. 2014 Goals: 
(I'm still recovering from my cold & struggling with my wrist injury, so I don't think my physical activity will be too ambitious this month)

1) Daily stretching (minimum 15 minutes)
2) Complete 20 workouts
3) Drink at least 3.5 L of water on a daily basis
4) Post 2 recipes
5) Complete 1 abstract & sort through File 1 of research articles

Earning my Yellow Belt

On Sunday November 10, 2013, I tested for my Kajukenbo yellow belt.

I had been preparing for this for a while, but after our break from training in October (when I believed I was ready to test), I felt nervous. I had been practicing, but I wondered, was I ready? I knew what I had to do, but would I be able to perform? All the doubts that I mentioned in my post 'Use it or Lose it' earlier this month came to mind again.

I was told on Tuesday the week before that I would be tested on the 10th. After that, the nerves really started to set in. Again, I knew that I was physically ready, but mentally ... well, that's where I was really tested.

I few weeks ago I wrote a post about why I decided to train in martial arts. Although I was interested in the physical challenge, what I really wanted out of my training was a development of my mental strength.

I wanted to be able to face my fears.
I wanted to be able to believe in myself enough to know that I could defend myself -- that I would fight for my life.

A few months ago when we practiced our first 'surprise attack', I practically collapsed. I panicked inside so much that I just didn't have the will to fight. I was ready to give in. (My full post about my experience is here.)

Slowly through training and a lot of self-analysis and self-discovery, I found a different type of strength and confidence. (See posts: 'Fighting it Out' & 'Why Fight').

Getting back to the test:

Stilling my mind before the test was SO difficult. I tried to relax my breathing. I tried to focus on the fact that I physically knew what to do - so there was no logical reason for me not to do well. My mind was filled with so many thoughts, my heart was pounding, my stomach was feeling queasy.

However, when I stood up to start, I was ready.

I just went into another zone and I got to it.

Fitness drills, Kajukenbo exercise/form drills - one after another, again and again.

To help me practice my actual self-defense techniques, 3 yellow belts from the men's team came (I am so thankful that they came to help me with my test). They would throw certain punches, and I was supposed to fight back -- and by fight back I don't mean mock punches. I mean really punch them, strike them, kick them, and take them down.

Having that authenticity really helped me because I could really go for it. It was then that I realized how much more of a reflex it was becoming versus movements that I had to stop and think about. That really felt like an accomplishment.

The real test for me started when we did the back grabs ... and then the dreaded surprise attack.

What I told myself was -- focus on what you know, not on what you don't know.

You know how to react.
You know what to do.
You know your body.
You need to stay in control.

It wasn't about an unknown person coming from an unknown area at an unknown time.

Focusing on my strengths is what helped me go through.

The surprise attacks were harsh. The guys did not go easy on me, but I fought back.

It was after that segment of the test that I felt really happy.
At that point I felt like regardless of the belt, I had achieved something great.

Going from not being able to even believe I was worthy enough to defend myself to actually doing it with conviction --- that was priceless to me.

I barely remember anything else.

However, I do know that when my coach told me that he believed I really earned my belt, I felt proud, and I felt like, 'Yes, I have earned this.' 

It was really something.

Now -- on to working towards the purple belt!

Taking off my white belt for the last time, wiping the sweat of my hard work on my belt, and doing my final salute

My coach retiring the white belt; blessing the yellow belt; putting the yellow belt on me --- 

it's official :)

I have a yellow belt in Kajukenbo!

Use it or Lose it

It's been 3 weeks since I've been to the gym. I've been doing my workouts at home, going for walks, or attending Jiujitsu class. My general endurance and stamina levels are fine. My strength, however, is another story.

Going to CrossFit last week showed me that I had lost muscle strength. I think I may have pushed just a little too hard - thinking that I could lift the same way that I did when I was lifting regularly. Three weeks of no lifting at all definitely had an impact on my strength.

It didn't take me long to realize that I was living proof of 'use it or lose it' -- I had definitely lost it.

The same realization came to me again at Kajukenbo tonight.

We haven't had Kajukenbo class for a month now. Although I have done some practice at home, and I've been going over some of the drills in my head, it wasn't until I got to class today and we practiced the moves that I realized how slow I had become. My moves were garbled. My reflexes were non-existant. It was difficult to face that reality, and believe me, getting your ass kicked (literally) over and over again is a quick jolt back to reality. It feels like I have a lot of work to do to get back to the level I was at before.

--- both for Kajukenbo and for my weight lifting.

The good news is that it's not an impossible task. All I have to do is get back to it and start practicing!

The Only One

Three weeks ago, on a Tuesday, I showed up to Kajukenbo class. We had had a particularly grueling session on the previous Sunday, and I have to admit, I almost didn’t go. My body was sore, and I wasn’t sure I could take another class like that, at least not so soon. Still, I went, because after all, the only way I can improve is if I show up to class and train.

I was the only one that came to class that day. That caught me off guard. I was afraid that the class would be canceled, but it wasn’t. I really appreciated the coach for training with me even though I was the only one there.

If I had thought the Sunday session as tough, this one was even harder. It was pure one-on-one practice, ending with sparring like I’ve never sparred before. I left bruised all over my body, but totally exhilarated because it was quite an experience.

 That following Thursday it really took a lot of courage for me to get ready for class. I was literally beaten, but I knew that if I didn’t go, the fear would build, and then it really would be difficult for me to go.

Unfortunately that day class was cancelled. We didn’t have class until the following Tuesday (so 1 week had passed since my one-on-one training session). That Tuesday, I was the only one who showed up for class again.

I’ll was so nervous because I knew what was in store. At the same time, I felt slightly more confident. We had another great training session. I got to take advantage of the one-on-one time and ask questions about different fighting techniques. The extra practice was invaluable, and once again, I was so happy that the coach trained me even though I was the only one.

-----------

Today was the first day of Ray Elbe’s women’s Brazilian Jiujitsu class (BJJ). I was really, really excited because it was an opportunity for me to actually meet other women who were interested in the martial art. Plus joining a course that involved training with a black belt in BJJ was sure to be an awesome experience.

I was the only one who showed up for the class. I was slightly disappointed because I really did want to meet others who shared this interest. Hopefully this was a one off incident and other girls will show up for future classes.

In the meantime, Ray and I had a great session – again, I’m so happy he still held class even though I was the only one. Although I’ve been doing BJJ with D at home, this was a different experience all together. We practice different Jiujitsu drills; he had me doing agility exercises – including cartwheels. OMG. When he said do a cartwheel I had to laugh out loud. I had not done a cartwheel since I was a kid! I am totally amazed that my legs left the ground and I didn’t fall over. I have to admit, it was fun J

The class wasn’t easy, but I enjoyed every single second of it. I left feeling like I had really accomplished something. I can’t wait to go back there next Sunday – even if I do end up being the only one.

-----------

Being the only one in class has a lot of advantages – one-on-one attention; more focused, intense training; extra practice time. However, it also has a few disadvantages.

MMA training for women in a place like Kuwait is tough to find. As far as I know, there isn’t any proper MMA training at all. There are just a few classes here and there, which is what I’m trying to take advantage of. My fear is that although I don’t mind being the only one showing up, the coaches may think that it’s not worth their time (or money) holding the class for just one person. I would totally understand that, but I would really find it devastating. In the meantime, I’m going to keep showing up, and until other women join too, I’ll be focusing on the advantages of being the only one. 

13 in 13 Post #7: September Plans

September is here! Summer is over, and the new semester has begun. It's time to really push forward and make sure the last 4 months of this year are awesome. The last thing I want is to look at my New Years resolutions on Dec. 31st and see that I haven't accomplished them.

Today has been great so far. Although I did have to go to work today, I won't have to go in on Sundays for pretty much most of the rest of the semester. With that in mind, I've decided to make Sundays the day when I try to hit my 1 rep max on a particular lift plus a long cardio session.

Attempting this today has made me realize how my lazy month of August has really caught up on me. I felt weak and slow. It's alright. I set a few benchmarks today, and I look forward to beating them!

I focused on Push Presses for my 1 rep max. I basically did 8 sets (reps: 8, 6, 4, 3, 2, 2, 2, 1). I maxed out at 42.5 kg (93.5 lbs). I think that's the max I reached several months ago. It was disappointed that I couldn't hit 45 kg (I tried, but couldn't get it over my head. I think if I had felt a bit more secure - had a spotter with me - perhaps I would have made it. Again, so much of all of this is in my bloody mind). Anyway. It's a starting point.

I wanted to do 1 hr 15 min of cardio on the treadmill, but 60 minutes is the maximum allotted time that you can input into the machine. So I decided to just stick to an hour (instead of doing an hour and then going again for 15 min) and work on improving my speed each time. I jogged for a total of 17 minutes and did a total of 6.46 km (4 miles) within that hour. I really need to improve that distance. I know I can do better.

The last few weeks of August were rough. I just couldn't pull out of my funk. Everything I did was just about going through the motions. I know that at times you just have to push through, but this was different. I was just emotionally somewhere else. Plus the evening Kajukenbo seminars really took up a lot of time. Still, I learned a lot, and it really was a great experience.

The Kajukenbo girls with the Grand Masters

Anyway. Enough of that. Today is a new day - the start of a new month; the beginning of a new term. Let's make the most of it!

My checklist for August didn't really workout well for me. I know that I accomplished quite a lot, but I stopped keeping track after a few days. I'm redoing my plan for September.

Here's a list of my goals for this month:

1) Weight loss: End the month lighter than what I started
2) Exercise: Complete 35 workouts this month
3) Personal Trainer studies: Complete 3 quizzes
4) Cooking: Try 1 new recipe and post 1 new recipe
5) Academic: Start writing the first draft of my chapter (word target: 3,000)
6) Burpees: Continue working towards the ultimate goal of 20,130
7) Yoga/Stretching: Do yoga every morning & a minimum of 15 minutes of deep stretching daily _ at least 3 yoga/balance/pilates classes this month
8) Keep a food, fitness, and finances journal: track daily and monitor progress/adjust accordingly
9) Sleep: Get a minimum of 6 hours of sleep each night
10) Home organization: Go through my CDs; organize room for A; de-clutter the kitchen

There's lots to be done, but I feel ready.

My menu is ready:

Plus I'm starting a new journal to track my food, fitness, and finances. Writing it down is so much easier than typing it out for me.

Here's to a great September! 

Why Fight?

When I embarked on my ventures into mixed martial arts, I did it just for fitness. I transitioned from the Les Mills Body Combat class to actually hitting pads with a trainer -- what a workout! Not only did it burn mega calories, but it also relieved a TON of stress. It was from that point that I started looking for more structured classes that involved actual impact vs. 'air' boxing. (Several years ago I used to go to a cardio kickboxing class, and I loved it!)

As I was on the search for a something that involved more contact, I had to step back and ask myself -- is this what I really want? Do I want to place myself in a situation where I'm going to get hit or that I'm actually going to hit someone else?

I read a few books by fighters, looking for their motivation behind fighting. Some books were well written and entertaining, but none of them really gave me the answers I was looking for. Why did they choose to fight? What was it inside them that said - ok let me go beat somebody up?

While I was reading and searching for answers, I was also training. Then all of a sudden, one day when I was writing in my journal, the answer came to me.

It really doesn't have anything to do with fighting at all. So many things inside me changed through my training. Starting with the discipline of training itself (regardless of what type of training, this is a big step), to mentally preparing for what was about to come (hit or be hit), to physically building the strength and stamina to go through with it (cardio, weights, yoga) -- it was all coming together in one perfect package.

Fighting has nothing to do with striking someone. It's about defending yourself. What GM Janice Somera said (as I've mentioned before) -- you've got to believe that you're worth defending.

Finding that belief itself has been work. It's taken self-analysis, self-confidence, and a lot of effort to hack away at years and years of accumulated negative self-talk and self-hate. It's been the hardest part.

The psychological training behind fighting has really been what has kept me interested. I've had to really work on clearing my mind. I've had to work on figuring out how to stand my ground - both physically and mentally. I've had to work on breathing through the fear that you start to feel when someone approaches you with a clenched fist.

The training I went through - both the Brazilian Jiujitsu and the Kajukenbo seminars - emphasized a very key point. You learn how to defend yourself so you never have to use it.

That knowledge that you KNOW that you can protect yourself, that you can hold your ground, that you can take a hit and then hit back harder is powerful. It helps you stand tall. It gives you confidence. It allows you to walk down the street without being afraid ... and isn't that what we all want? To not be afraid of life, living, loving?

I haven't found all my answers. I have a long road ahead of me in terms of my training, but I'm enjoying this path of discovery.

I have moments when it all seems surreal (am I really leaving the house in a Kajukenbo gi with a wooden stick in my bag? What in the world am I getting myself in to?), but when other people think I'm crazy for getting involved in MMA training, I know inside, I'm not crazy. This is how I choose to train. This is how I choose to get physically and mentally fit. Plus, I'm worth defending ;)

Me leaving the house for the last day of our Kajukenbo seminar series - I've got my stick in the bag, ready to do some weapon training! 

Kajukenbo Ohana Kuwait Team

2013

Scheduling

While I'm not necessarily looking forward to getting back to creating lessons plans and grading papers, I am definitely ready to get back into some sort of routine. I really, really seem to flounder without any set structure. I'm good at sticking to my schedule once I have an anchor (like my class schedule, which I can't miss). Otherwise, I have a tendency to let things slide, especially if I have nothing for which I really need to leave the house. Anyway. Just a few more days of summer vacation left, and then I'll be back to work.

So this week has been quite busy with my Kajukenbo seminar. Three Kajukenbo experts (Senior Grand Master Al Dacascos, Grand Master Janice Somera, and Grand Master Robert New) have been flown in from Hawaii to lead the seminar. We're meeting every night this week from 4-8, which is a huge time commitment (basically 3-9 p.m. including driving time). However, it's been really informative and interesting so far. We've learned about some of the history of Kajukenbo as well as the principles behind the fighting techniques. We've learned a number of those fighting techniques along with self-defense moves. I'll have more to say about all that in another post.

Since I've been busy each evening with the seminar, I've been skipping my morning workouts, mainly because for whatever training we do during the seminar, I want to be sure that I can give 100%. I know that hitting weights and doing endurance cardio will probably leave me exhausted. This is too special of an opportunity to blow by being fatigued! So, once again, I've had to adjust my schedule.

I'm really interested to see how things fall into place once I'm back into work. I'm going to stick with setting some general guidelines (e.g. 7 hours of cardio a week, 3 lifting sessions each week, 5 MMA sessions each week, etc.). I'm going to try to keep it as realistic as possible. I mean, no sense in setting yourself up for failure, right? It's going to be hard deciding how much to do and when -- I don't think I'll be able to fit everything into my day. Not unless someone follows through with one of my birthday wishes to have an extra 3 hours added on to my day!

How do you manage to fit everything in? Do you find that inevitably you need to leave something out?

I'll leave you with a few pix from the Kajukenbo seminar plus a video of one portion of the Kajukenbo black belt test that took place on Saturday. Talk about intense!!

The Kajukenbo Ohana Kuwait Women's Team

Grand Master Janice Somera and I

One part of the test was to defend yourself from attackers - the SGM was calling out the defense strategies, and the candidate had to perform them against his attackers. I can't imagine remembering all the sequences plus performing them that effectively with such speed ... I see a lot of hours of practice ahead of me!

Fighting it Out

I seem to be teetering between being courageous and feeling apprehensive about being courageous. I think the bottom line is that I know I want to be, and so I'm going to keep working towards that.

This mental flip-flop that I've been going through as well as my search for resolve have both reminded me at how much effort - constant vigilance - is required in this quest to get healthy. There is so much more than just the physical weight loss that I need to tackle. However, it is getting better.

I had an a-ha moment a week or so ago that I didn't write about because it didn't really have to do with physical fitness. However, I realize that it did have to do with being healthy - mentally healthy. I was caught in one of those situations where one of my friends said something to me that caught me off guard. It wasn't negative towards me, but it was something this person had kept hidden from me (there's way too much back story to get into right now, so a piecemeal summary will have to do for now). My first instinct was to Binge on Negative Thoughts (something I wrote about back in April).

However, I quickly stopped myself and said - No. This person did not say/do X to you because you're overweight or because you have no value. This person said/did this because that's the kind of person THEY are. They are the kind of person that feels the need to be shady, sneaky, evasive, or unmindful of my thoughts/feelings/time. It has nothing to do with me.

I don't like that my first reaction is still one that is negative, but it is something that I'm working on. Plus I'm not saying that this person/these people are bad; their priorities and focus are just in a different place. It has nothing to do with me.

Today was Day 1 of a Kajukenbo seminar series that is being held here in Kuwait. It was a really great experience for me, especially given all the things that I've recently been going through. We went over a few self-defense tactics during the seminar. One thing Grand Master Janice Somera said really resonated with me - it was about believing in yourself and believing that you are worth defending.

I remember not so long ago, I definitely didn't believe that. I had to chip away at that negative thought bit by bit. It sure didn't come naturally. On most days I lived on the 'fake it till you make it' mantra. Slowly, as I set goals and accomplished them, I started to believe in myself more.

I still get a bit shaky. I still look around for approval - from friends, from coaches, from everyone really. I still feel like I'm on the outside of the fitness world, even though I know I've accomplished so much (again, it has to do with reactions/actions/statements of others). It's ok though. Coming to terms with all of these things is part of the process.

So, I'm still working around all these thoughts. I imagine that this will go on for a while as there is not simple solution. The important thing is not to give up -- to keep moving forward and fight it out.

Legs

Ouch. Ouch. Ouch.

That's all I could say with every step I took today. I didn't want to move. I walked around all morning and afternoon like I had something seriously wrong with me -- but it was just the impact of yesterday's workout. It was definitely a 'good' sore vs. an injury - but crazy painful nonetheless. I used to think images like these were cheezy -- but today I think there's nothing more accurate!!

My only thought was - how will I make it to Kajukenbo in the evening? The thought of walking down the stairs was painful enough, let alone the thought of running around during training.

Still, I went. I had to go to get over what happened last time. I didn't want my fear and hesitation to build. I already have enough trouble getting into the right mindset before my workout. I still have doubts and worry that I won't perform well or make it through class (will I ever get over this self-doubt??).

As my luck would have it -- legs were the focus of today's class. OMG.

There was a tiny part of me that wanted to protest - I did legs yesterday; I'm SORE!!!

However, I'm glad that the main part of me focused on thinking - SUCK IT UP! You're here to train. It's just muscle soreness. You're not injured.

So I went on. I kicked and kicked and kicked.

Then it was time for me to hold the pads so  my partner could have a go. After doing the first part, she was wiped out and had to take a break. That's when the assistant coach grabbed the pads and said, ok, you kick again.

So while others were resting (alternating between kicking & holding the pads), I was kicking the whole time - side kicks, low kicks, high kicks. I just tried to dig deep and keep kicking. At one point, I just stopped feeling and was kind of on autopilot, though still focusing on getting my form right and putting some power behind my kicks --- my high kicks definitely need work. They didn't feel high at all.

This was followed by squat holds against the wall, with our arms held straight out in front of us, for what felt like forever. I kept trying to center my focus, but it was tough.

Today was definitely filled with mental and physical challenges - trying to push through the pain, trying to keep the bigger picture in mind, and doing my best during training practice.

Overall, it was a good, challenging day.

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

"Sit down on your knees in the front of the room. Put your hands on your lap, palms face down. Tilt your head downward. Close your eyes. Breathe. Wait."

I had to follow these instructions today at Kajukenbo class. I didn't want to do it. Coach knew I didn't want to do it. Although the main reason behind me doing self-defense/MMA is to face my fears and be able to stand my ground and protect myself, I still get scared. Most of that stems from when I was attacked when I was much younger. For years I never gave my back to anyone. I never sat with my back to the door; I always felt nervous when people were walking behind me. I've gotten over that now (though typing it out has made my pulse quicken).

I've been working through my apprehension of being attacked from the front - grabbed, choked, hit. I've gotten much better at that as I've learned to fight back.

Brazilian Jiujitsu (BJJ) was taking it to another level as I was putting myself in a vulnerable position - on the ground with an opponent on top of me.

The control I've learned through Jiujitsu has been amazing. My heart still races, but with each technique I learn, my confidence grows a little. I feel like I'm improving -- and that sense of control that BJJ provides and the knowledge of how to use your body to protect yourself has made it such a rewarding experience.

So front attacks and being mounted are two things that I've steadily been working on ... but allow someone to attack me from the back? You've got to be kidding me?

It was really hard for me to walk up to the front of the room and sit down. I didn't want to close my eyes. I didn't want to be there.

I wanted to run.

The attack came suddenly - one of the girls grabbed me from behind, like a bear hug (the coach was instructing the 'attacker' about what to do, so it wasn't random).

I froze.

For several seconds, I was absolutely still.
I couldn't move.
My heart was racing. Flashbacks were flying through my mind at a million miles an hour.
I could hear voices in the distance, instructions from the Coach as to what to do, but I couldn't hear it. I couldn't hear anything.
I lost touch with reality. I didn't know where I was or what was going on.

She pulled me to the ground, and that's when in a flash I was out of there. I turned inward and crawled out.

Again, I heard voices around me, but I couldn't hear. I was shaking and I had tears threatening to fall. Coach said I did good, but I was too overwhelmed. I didn't feel it. The flashbacks were still haunting me - the feeling of being attacked was too raw.

I was shaking so bad I could barely untie my belt. I had tears of fear in my eyes.

As emotional as it all was, I was also frustrated that I could be so vulnerable. I know that this is the first time I've ever put myself (been put) in such a situation, but still. I feel like I've been working towards getting over my fears for so long ... will it ever end?

My Coach's words, "Let's break this" rang in my ears. Of course I want to break through this fear, but I have a feeling that I have a long way to go.

I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that this was the first step. I took it. I survived. I may have faltered a little, but I survived.

Up All Night

I pulled an all-nighter. I finished packing but I just couldn't get to sleep. I was just way too excited about my trip.

I spent some time looking at different schedules at MMA gyms and CrossFit boxes in the different states I'll be visiting. I contacted a few. A couple of them got back to me already so I was able to schedule a session.

Kuwait is a small country, and although there are many gyms and health clubs, the level of professionalism and the quality plus variety of exercise programs, trainers, and general enthusiasm for fitness leaves something to be desired. That's why going through these different websites has been so exciting. There's so much out there! I wish I could experience them all, but I think I'd have to stay in the States for a few months and earn a fortune to be able to try all the different classes!

I have to restrain myself a bit. After all, this is not a fitness vacation. It's a vacation during which I intend to stay fit, but gym hopping on a daily basis is not really how I intend to spend the most of my time.

Ok. Enough of that.

I'm a bit annoyed that I'm going to be traveling with knuckles that look like this:

The picture below is from Sunday, the day I got the scrapes from my Kajukenbo class. I didn't realize they'd turn into such horrific scars (the two pix in the top row). In a way they do make me feel kinda badass. However, I don't want to look so badass when I'm on holiday!

Speaking of badass, on Tuesday I practiced the triangle choke for the first time. It was awesome!! What I liked even more was that they demonstrated how, if a larger, heavier person has you trapped on the ground, you can use your legs as leverage and yank them right off. I know that's what Jiujitsu is about - using your body as leverage to defend yourself against a larger opponent - but this move was really, really cool! :)

As I've been getting stronger with my MMA training, and my weight training of course, I've been enjoying walking into places, taking a look around, and thinking 'Ya, I could take you down.' There's something quite empowering about looking innocent and perhaps helpless, but knowing that you are strong.


I tried to read and comment on as many blog posts as I could. I've just been so behind and I feel like I've been neglecting some of my favorite bloggers. I hope to get to you guys soon. If only I could do this during my flights - that would definitely be a good use of my time.


One other thing about blogging has been on my mind. I don't know how often I'll be able to blog while I'm away, but I'll definitely try to post when I can. I was thinking of doing a photo journal of my eating throughout my trip. However, I know that there will be some indiscretions that are not a part of my regular lifestyle at all and I don't want to be seen as promoting and encouraging eating off plan. At the same time, this is a bit of an experiment for me - figuring out to what extent I really do have a healthy lifestyle. I know when others post pictures of them binge drinking or indulging in desserts, I refrain from commenting (particularly when it's a recurrent event and not really a one-off). Anyway. It's been on my mind. I haven't reached a decision about it yet. Something to think about during the flight ...

Door to door, I'll be traveling for a total of 25 hours. Jet lag is going to be a bitch.