I Am Fat

I've read a lot of posts over the past couple of years about body image -- in particular about loving your body no matter what size it is. I respect their opinion, but I don't have that same perspective about myself.

I don't like the way I look. I'm not happy with my body shape. I know that I have improved over the past 3 years, but I still have a long way to go.

When I used to look in the mirror and see my fat reflection staring back at me, the following narrative would go through my mind:

Look at you. You're fat. You're ugly. You look disgusting. 
You should be ashamed of yourself for looking this way. 
Nobody will love you. Nobody wants to be around someone who is this fat. 
You're such a bad person to let yourself get so out of shape. What kind of terrible person does this? 
You are so lazy and lack discipline - you don't deserve to be thin or happy. 

As you can see, my body image was extremely negative and my self-hate levels were high.

I only had negative thoughts in my mind. I took my fat body as a representation of who I was and who I deserved to be. It defined my self worth. It defined my destiny.

It was a terribly dark time.

When I look in the mirror now, I still see an overweight person. I don't like the way my abdominal region looks at all. I feel self-conscious and at times I feel depressed about how I look.

However, this is the reality. This is my reality.

I don't think it's unhealthy or bad or self-loathing to be honest about your body.

I have minimized/practically eliminated all the other really negative, dark self-talk. Instead, I focus on coming up with a plan and figuring out how to get to where I want to be.

There are many people out there who say that they are happy in their oversized body.

I am not one of them.

When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person.

This doesn't mean that I'm not smart, not kind, not a good person. It just means that I'm fat.

I don't always get a positive reaction if I say this to other people. They say I'm being hard on myself and that I should love myself no matter what.

I think if those previous thoughts still consumed me, then perhaps that would be so. However, a big dose of reality and some tough love never hurt anybody. Just because you don't love your body doesn't mean you don't love yourself. It's two separate things. I don't think this realistic perspective makes me a self-hater or someone who is negative. I'm realistic. I know that if I don't change my habits then my body will not change. Therefore, I need to do the work. I think that facing this is much more productive than hiding behind a form of self-acceptance which can often lead to complacency.

Just as I'm sure that others don't want to be judged because they've accepted their overweight size, I don't want to be judged because I've chosen to be honest and say that I don't love my body and therefore I will do something about it. I cannot say anything about those who accept their body regardless of size because I honestly don't know how to do that or what that feels like. If that works for them and they are happy in life, then I am happy for them. That perspective, however, is not one that I share.

I am grateful for my body in that I am healthy enough to be without disease to be able to move without pain or problems and to have the strength to be able to work towards my goals -- but I am fat. This is how I see myself, and nothing anybody else will say can change that. Only I can change that by doing the work and putting in the effort, and I am 100% happy to do that because I'm worth it.

Just to clarify (or maybe confuse): Although I am calling myself fat, I am using it as an adjective to describe the size of my body. I am not using it to insult myself or as something negative - just as a fact. I think that calling others fat is hurtful as it is an unnecessary comment/observation to make.

Never call a guy fat either - insecurities and self consciousness knows no gender gap!

Why Fight?

When I embarked on my ventures into mixed martial arts, I did it just for fitness. I transitioned from the Les Mills Body Combat class to actually hitting pads with a trainer -- what a workout! Not only did it burn mega calories, but it also relieved a TON of stress. It was from that point that I started looking for more structured classes that involved actual impact vs. 'air' boxing. (Several years ago I used to go to a cardio kickboxing class, and I loved it!)

As I was on the search for a something that involved more contact, I had to step back and ask myself -- is this what I really want? Do I want to place myself in a situation where I'm going to get hit or that I'm actually going to hit someone else?

I read a few books by fighters, looking for their motivation behind fighting. Some books were well written and entertaining, but none of them really gave me the answers I was looking for. Why did they choose to fight? What was it inside them that said - ok let me go beat somebody up?

While I was reading and searching for answers, I was also training. Then all of a sudden, one day when I was writing in my journal, the answer came to me.

It really doesn't have anything to do with fighting at all. So many things inside me changed through my training. Starting with the discipline of training itself (regardless of what type of training, this is a big step), to mentally preparing for what was about to come (hit or be hit), to physically building the strength and stamina to go through with it (cardio, weights, yoga) -- it was all coming together in one perfect package.

Fighting has nothing to do with striking someone. It's about defending yourself. What GM Janice Somera said (as I've mentioned before) -- you've got to believe that you're worth defending.

Finding that belief itself has been work. It's taken self-analysis, self-confidence, and a lot of effort to hack away at years and years of accumulated negative self-talk and self-hate. It's been the hardest part.

The psychological training behind fighting has really been what has kept me interested. I've had to really work on clearing my mind. I've had to work on figuring out how to stand my ground - both physically and mentally. I've had to work on breathing through the fear that you start to feel when someone approaches you with a clenched fist.

The training I went through - both the Brazilian Jiujitsu and the Kajukenbo seminars - emphasized a very key point. You learn how to defend yourself so you never have to use it.

That knowledge that you KNOW that you can protect yourself, that you can hold your ground, that you can take a hit and then hit back harder is powerful. It helps you stand tall. It gives you confidence. It allows you to walk down the street without being afraid ... and isn't that what we all want? To not be afraid of life, living, loving?

I haven't found all my answers. I have a long road ahead of me in terms of my training, but I'm enjoying this path of discovery.

I have moments when it all seems surreal (am I really leaving the house in a Kajukenbo gi with a wooden stick in my bag? What in the world am I getting myself in to?), but when other people think I'm crazy for getting involved in MMA training, I know inside, I'm not crazy. This is how I choose to train. This is how I choose to get physically and mentally fit. Plus, I'm worth defending ;)

Me leaving the house for the last day of our Kajukenbo seminar series - I've got my stick in the bag, ready to do some weapon training! 

Kajukenbo Ohana Kuwait Team

2013

Blogging and Decluttering

I never thought I'd be writing a 645th post -- but here I am. I'm so glad I've stuck to blogging even though there have been periods of silence. I know that blogging daily isn't 'necessary', but I do feel it helps me work on untangling some of my thought processes. Plus remembering that I'm writing a health and fitness blog helps keep me in check with my actions in terms of exercise and food!

This morning I sat down and looked at my blog reading list. I noticed that there were several (I'm talking around 30) bloggers who hadn't posted in over six months; some hadn't posted in over a year. There were also some bloggers that I had in my bookmarks list but not in my blog roll. I didn't even know I had that discrepancy. I was so happy to read quite a few success stories and several that were still working hard to stay on track and keep moving forward. At the same time, out of the bookmarked blogs (I think there were around 150!), about 70 hadn't posted in over six months. It just goes to show how time-consuming blogging can be. So, I've cleaned up my blog roll - deleted the ones that haven't posted in ages, added a few new ones, and incorporated those that I thought were already on my list.

I try to be regular in my reading and commenting, but that also takes time. However, I am working on it!

I don't always get around to replying to comments bloggers leave after my posts, but I really, really, really appreciate the comments and encouragement. It's what keeps me moving forward. I'm going to try to get better at doing that too.

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I've talked about de-cluttering many times. I feel like getting rid of my 'stuff' - the actual stuff around me - has been both a cathartic process as well as a symbolic one. Before I used to hide behind my things (especially my shoes). I found satisfaction in shopping (in excess) and building comfort around me by surrounding myself with things I loved, or at least things that I thought I loved (and needed).

As I've been dropping weight, I've also had an easier time dropping the excess stuff. I feel like I've been de-cluttering for months (and I have). Each time I've been getting more ruthless - no, I don't need that. No, I won't wear that. No, that just doesn't have a place in my life anymore.

It's felt great. I'm still continuing. This summer was a huge success. I took 4 suitcases full of clothes for charity. I also got rid of 60 pairs of shoes and 40 handbags. It felt great. I was holding on to so many of these things ... for what purpose, I don't know. Now I'm finding it much easier to let go.

I feel bad that I wasted money on buying so much. It's the same way that I feel bad when I think about how much time I wasted not exercising or eating right. I'm not dwelling on it, but I'm using those feelings to remind myself of where I want to go ... and how I don't want to be anymore.

It's been a rewarding process.

The goal is - keep things (including people) that are useful and positive in your life & drop what isn't useful or helping you reach your goals.

Fighting it Out

I seem to be teetering between being courageous and feeling apprehensive about being courageous. I think the bottom line is that I know I want to be, and so I'm going to keep working towards that.

This mental flip-flop that I've been going through as well as my search for resolve have both reminded me at how much effort - constant vigilance - is required in this quest to get healthy. There is so much more than just the physical weight loss that I need to tackle. However, it is getting better.

I had an a-ha moment a week or so ago that I didn't write about because it didn't really have to do with physical fitness. However, I realize that it did have to do with being healthy - mentally healthy. I was caught in one of those situations where one of my friends said something to me that caught me off guard. It wasn't negative towards me, but it was something this person had kept hidden from me (there's way too much back story to get into right now, so a piecemeal summary will have to do for now). My first instinct was to Binge on Negative Thoughts (something I wrote about back in April).

However, I quickly stopped myself and said - No. This person did not say/do X to you because you're overweight or because you have no value. This person said/did this because that's the kind of person THEY are. They are the kind of person that feels the need to be shady, sneaky, evasive, or unmindful of my thoughts/feelings/time. It has nothing to do with me.

I don't like that my first reaction is still one that is negative, but it is something that I'm working on. Plus I'm not saying that this person/these people are bad; their priorities and focus are just in a different place. It has nothing to do with me.

Today was Day 1 of a Kajukenbo seminar series that is being held here in Kuwait. It was a really great experience for me, especially given all the things that I've recently been going through. We went over a few self-defense tactics during the seminar. One thing Grand Master Janice Somera said really resonated with me - it was about believing in yourself and believing that you are worth defending.

I remember not so long ago, I definitely didn't believe that. I had to chip away at that negative thought bit by bit. It sure didn't come naturally. On most days I lived on the 'fake it till you make it' mantra. Slowly, as I set goals and accomplished them, I started to believe in myself more.

I still get a bit shaky. I still look around for approval - from friends, from coaches, from everyone really. I still feel like I'm on the outside of the fitness world, even though I know I've accomplished so much (again, it has to do with reactions/actions/statements of others). It's ok though. Coming to terms with all of these things is part of the process.

So, I'm still working around all these thoughts. I imagine that this will go on for a while as there is not simple solution. The important thing is not to give up -- to keep moving forward and fight it out.

Mental Flip-Flop

I've once again hit a plateau. I've been +/- 2kg of my current weight for the past 5 months now. I just can't seem to get a handle on it and push through. I think a lot of it has to do with my disrupted schedule - from out of town visitors, to general stress, to traveling for about 11 weeks. Although I did lose some weight while on vacation, it still isn't the lowest weight that I reached a few months ago. It's really getting frustrating, but I know what the solution is -- I need to clean up my eating and I need to make sure my workouts are efficient and effective.

One of the things that I think has really affected me is going back to a sedentary lifestyle. Aside from the conscious effort I make to workout, I have relatively no daily activity. It's so different from the time I spent in New York this past summer where I was walking at least 5 miles a day, not including the workouts I was doing. That extra activity helped me come back without gaining any weight. However, being home and not getting in those extra miles has now had a negative effect - I need to rectify that now.

There was a time when I would spend 4-6 hours a day at the gym. Yes, that's right, 4-6 hours a day. Although I was active, I wasn't really losing weight because I was either cutting my calories way too low or eating the wrong things. Sometimes (often) it was a combination of the two. Although it may sound like it should have worked, I know now that simply eating the wrong things (regardless of quantity) just doesn't work for me. Rice and bread will leave me bloated for days.

My recent funk hasn't helped. I've been working out but my heart hasn't been in it; my food has been 80-85% clean, but that's definitely not clean enough ... it's time for me to get a grip and focus on the task at hand. Complaining about it isn't going to help. Spending too much time planning without implementing isn't going to get me anywhere either. I know what I need to do. Now I just need to stop stalling and get on with it.

I seem to have lost a bit of confidence in my ability to reach my goal. At one point I was really enthusiastic. I believed I could do it, and I was excited about reaching my goal. Today, and over the past few days, however, I just feel like the goal is far away.

This mental flip-flop is annoying, frustrating, and exhausting. Yet I know that I'm the only one in control.

I saw this quote:

I had the motivation -- it got me started.
I've formed the habit - I'm keeping on going.

My question is -- now what? Why am I floundering? How can I find that stable footing again?

One Year Progress Picture

I wanted to post this picture on Instagram, but I chickened out. In the picture that was taken last year, I had already lost 16 kg (35 lb). I was so happy with the progress I had made. Now I look at that picture and think, holy shit. I was still so huge. It makes me sad. It also makes me paranoid that the picture that I have now (another 15 kg lighter - 33 lb), is not as good as I think it is (thought it was). I stared at this before and after shot for ages. I asked a friend if I should post it, and he said yes, but I still couldn't. I was so embarrassed at how big I got, especially knowing that this isn't even me at my biggest ... I'm pleased at my progress, but knowing that I have 8 kg (18 lb) left to reach my goal weight freaks me out and makes me really, really anxious. Will these mental demons ever disappear? So ... I couldn't post it on Instagram, but I'll go ahead and post it here on my blog. (My squinty eyes in the new pic bug me too!)

May 2012 - May 2013

one year of consistent clean eating and hitting the gym - no gimmicks; no shortcuts

weight loss: 15 kg (33 lb)

Bingeing on Negative Thoughts

You know you still have a lot of work to do when someone says or does something that is hurtful and your first thought is - 'it's because I'm fat' ...

While it is so easy to consume thousands of calories and literally weigh yourself down with unnecessary food and fat, it scares me that it is just as easy to weigh yourself down with negative thoughts that don't have as easy of a solution as exercising and eating healthy/watching portion sizes.

What's worse is that the negative thoughts just seem to constantly occupy my mind and I can't think of anything else. When I'm working out, I can sometimes use those frustrations to fuel my workout, but there are also times when it just causes my energy to drop and I don't feel like moving anymore. During the day, there are times when I'm not thinking about anything and then these negative thoughts just come flooding in.

All of a sudden, neutral thoughts turn into negative ones. I look in the mirror and I can't see any of the positive changes. I look around me and all I see is things that I have yet to tackle versus how far I've come.

It's tough. It's definitely the thing that I'm struggling with most as I've seen more often than not, the healthy habits in terms of food and exercise have remained steady. The thoughts, however, are another story.

There's still much work to be done.

Is This Me?

Over the past 12 days I've had 7 different people come up to me or contact me asking me what I was doing to lose weight. They wanted to know exactly what I was eating and how I have been managing to lose weight. They wanted advice. They asked if I would be willing to sit down and talk with them to come up with a food plan and understand how to exercise.

Today when one more person approached me, I had a minor panic attack. It's one thing when you kind of casually, in passing, tell people what you're doing (I eat right and I exercise), but it's another when they are looking at you and asking for your advice.

I kinda freaked out a little.

I knew that I had been changing, but it didn't fully strike me that my changes were being noticed. I mean, yes, people have commented, but again - I took them more as comments made in passing.

These people, however, were different. They saw me differently. As one person put in her email to me: 'You're living the dream.' -- I was really taken aback by that.

I don't know how to exactly explain why I panicked. Why didn't I just take it as a compliment and move forward with it? I guess it's because even though I'm heading towards where I want to be and how I want to be seen, I didn't realize that perhaps some people already see me as reaching a goal ... in some ways reaching the goal that they have for themselves.

It's been strange. While I do recognize that I have accomplished a lot, I also know that I have further to go. Others, however, have seen the change. I guess dropping 30kg means that you can't hide the change anymore, not that I want to hide it in the first place. I guess it just becomes real.

It actually took me quite some time to calm down. I guess I felt overwhelmed all of a sudden with people pretty much willing to put their lives in my hands and help them change, especially given that so many people approached me in such a short time span.

Deep breath. Refocus. Think sensibly.

There is no need to feel overwhelmed. This is what I want. I've been studying to become a Fitness Nutrition Specialist because I want to be able to help others. I am happy that I was able to create a plan, stick to it, and achieve results. Now I'm working towards doing that for others.

I'm not 100% sure why I panicked. I think it's kinda because I feel like my end goal is really close. I am worried that I might have a setback (though I know I have the tools to push through the setback). I am eager to speed up the process, but I know that I need to just be patient and consistent with my choices and my actions. It's a lot to take in. Perhaps I'm overwhelmed by the excitement of it all, because it really is exciting ... I'm finally becoming the person that I've always wanted to be. So I guess, it really is me.

The Last Day

Today's the last official day of the week long break. I've still got the weekend ahead, but today's the last working day that I have off ... part of me wanted to just chill at home and relax. However, part of me also thought - today's the last day I can get a nice, long, no-rushed workout in before my crazy schedule starts again on Sunday.

I didn't get to the gym till about 8 a.m. I was just going to do a short warm-up and then do weights, but H, one of the trainers who I used to do a bit of boxing/kickboxing training with said he'd put the bag up for me.

He asked me what I wanted to practice, and I told him my roundhouse kicks needed some major work - especially with my left side. I just wasn't getting my foot positioning right or my hips to open up enough. So he stayed and worked with me --- kick after kick after kick ... 1,000 per leg. He held one of the bags against his leg for me to practice -- it was not in a good state after I finished.

Afterwards he told me to kick him - shins, thighs, torso and then arm. Holy shit. His arms were harder than the wall. He is rock solid muscle. My shins were (are) mega-sore!!

So I did that for an hour and half ... for a split second I thought about going home, but then thought, No. I've got time to spend at the gym today. I really should hit the weights since I'm already behind with my training schedule.

I finished Workout A2 of the Fat Loss II program in New Rules of Lifting. The push-presses are definitely challenging, but I felt nice and strong with all the other lifts.

One of the highlights of my day was slipping into a new pair of jeans. I haven't worn this size jean since 1996, and even then I only fit into them for 5-6 months. I've never worn a size smaller ... so that's something to definitely aim towards!!

I spent the rest of the day chillin' with friends, in particular my new little sweetheart Dani - he's one week old :)

Tomorrow's my weigh-in and February reflection post. I'm feeling optimistic. 

Feeling Good

Today was one of those days where everything just seemed to turn out well.

I wore an outfit today to work that got several, several compliments - simple black bootleg trousers from the GAP and a sweater top from Top Shop (which is in the smallest size I own at the moment!). Some of my colleagues, who see me on a daily basis, didn't just make a passing comment about how I looked or my weight loss, but were surprised at the transformation. I hadn't realized the outfit was that flattering, though I admit that I felt good in it (it's the trousers and 5 inch heels that I think really did it!). Of course the compliments made me feel good.

I was a bit annoyed that I missed Body Balance class since I didn't finish work on time, but that gave me the chance to quickly meet with one of my friends who happens to be one of the top Muay Thai guys in Kuwait. I'd love to train with him, but I know I'm not ready ... yet. In the meantime he gave me some tips on how to strengthen my wrists because I feel like that's where I need the most work (along with staying firm in my stance) in terms of boxing/kickboxing.

I then had a few hours at home to catch up on some work as well as relax before heading out to kickboxing class.

For the past 3 weeks only me and one other guy have been showing up for kickboxing. It's been quite a challenge because we hold the boxing pads up for one another. Boy do my shoulders get a workout when he hits those pads. There were some punches last night that I thought were really going to take my right arm off. Still, it made me stand firmer in my stance and really focus on steeling myself to receiving the punches - definitely a good arm and shoulder workout! We also did a lot of moving pad work - the coach had me all over the gym floor. It is quite a challenge to stay strong in your stance, continue focusing on the power behind punches, as well as keep your guard up - not to mention make proper contact - as you're moving around so fast. It was a great drill. Some of my punches have really improved, though I seemed to be struggling with my left hook today.

In the middle of it all (I'm backtracking a little), an much anticipated package arrived for me.

I'll be traveling for part 2 of my best friend's wedding (the same friend who got married in Germany back in October). Since this ceremony will be taking place in India, I asked one of my friend's who is a fashion designer in Bangladesh if she could pick up an outfit for me. Instead of buying one off the rack, she asked for my measurements and designed and tailor-made an outfit for me. I asked her for the outfit 9 days ago so I was really tense about her being able to finish the outfit (she was embroidering stuff by hand) receiving it on time. It was supposed to arrive tomorrow, but - thank you DHL - it arrived today!! I was so nervous about it fitting right, especially since I just texted her my measurements, but it fit like a glove and I have to say, I felt like a princess. I'm so excited to be wearing the outfit next week!! [Pictures will have to wait until then.]

My day finished off with a lovely dinner with friends I hadn't gotten together with in a while. We went to a steakhouse, and had steak as well as baked parsnips. I think I can officially say that I am no longer a vegetarian (or pescatarian) as I've had meat 3 times already this week! We'll see how that pans out. Anyway. It was a really satisfying, good day :)

My outfit for the night - loving my new Desigual coat and Dune polka-dot heels (though they are hidden by the trousers).

A closer look at the shoes :)

Clothes and Cardio Kickboxing

I decided to take some time to go through my clothes ... wow. I emptied out more than half my closet. There were some items of clothing that I bought in August (still had tags on them) that are already too big for me. I was really surprised.

Body image is such a strange thing. I mean, I see the numbers going down on the scale (am at my lightest weight in about 7 or 8 years I think at the moment) and I feel my clothes getting looser ... but when I look in the mirror, I don't see it. I mean, occasionally I'll notice that my arms are getting thinner (like yesterday when doing tricep extensions) and my legs are getting a bit more shapely ... but I don't see the significance of 26 kg loss (57 lbs) over the past 3 years [8 kg/almost 18 lbs of which is just in the past 8 weeks]

Isn't that sad? Will I ever get over that hesitation to accept that my body is changing? Surely that is a form of confidence that will be good for me to develop.

I am thinking more positively. I am definitely more focused on my goals, more driven, and also more confident (even if scared and intimidated sometimes) about my fitness level and workouts ...

I guess the bottom line is that there's more work to be done. A lot more work.

That's ok though. I'm ready for the challenge. I know that I've done really well over the past 2 months. I am eager to continue with this progress.

People keep asking me how I'm going to reward myself after the Whole Life Challenge. They're all thinking about food - pizza, brownies, wine -- A food reward is actually the last thing on my mind. There's nothing that I'm craving - how awesome is that?

After today's closet clear out, however, I will be rewarding myself with a shopping spree in a few weeks. I am a size that I've never been before, or at least it's been so long that I can't remember. However, I know dropping another few pounds will help me fit into that size more comfortably. Let's see how it goes.

In other news, today I went to my first cardio kickboxing class at my friend's gym - Club Fit Kuwait.

It was really good. We practiced a lot of different punches/techniques. I have no doubt my shoulders will be on fire tomorrow.

With CrossFit, my other gym training, boxing, and now this, my schedule is getting a bit overcrowded. This is on top of my job and my research ... I really don't have enough hours in the day. I guess it's a good thing I only average about 4 hours of sleep a night, hahahaha. Actually, I shouldn't joke. I need more sleep!!!

Anyway. As the end of the Whole Life Challenge approaches, I'm trying to find a way to organize my time, figure out my training schedule, my life schedule, and my eating plan.

There are a lot of decisions to be made in terms of eating. I could just stick to what I'm doing now. I'm wondering if I should add a bit of dairy back into my diet ... I don't know. It'll be a bit of trial and error. No matter what I do decide, I know that there will be certain things that will never be a part of my diet - fried, fatty, preservative-packed, sugar-stuffed foods are not entering my mouth ever again. I think with that resolution alone I'll be alight -- but I know myself & I think more specific guidelines will be helpful for me.

That's it from here -- I leave you with a picture from today's kickboxing session.

I was holding the pads at this point. Let me tell you, holding your arms up in that position for 5-10 minutes while someone is punching at them is not easy!!

Stronger Legs

I started writing a blog post yesterday but got distracted and didn't complete or post it. Oh well - it happens. Things have just been so busy around here. Even though it's a holiday I've got a bunch of research and writing to do. It really hasn't been much of a break, but just the fact that I don't have to go to work and deal with any lesson prep/marking is a blessing.

I've been feeling a bit stressed with things that I need to get done so before I started my day yesterday I took 45 minutes for myself and had a great yoga session. I was totally calm, relaxed, and focused. I took my time with the different positions and just enjoyed feeling my body loosen up. I wish I could do that every morning, but 15 minutes will have to do!

Later on in the day I hit the gym. After a 30-min cardio session (including 15 minutes of running in intervals) I went up to the spinning studio for RPM class. It felt so good to get on that bike and pedal. What felt even better was that I was able to put the resistance to a much higher resistance than I ever had before. My legs felt nice and strong. It felt AMAZING! I definitely want to try to fit in at least 1 RPM session a week -- scheduling is always the issue.

Today I did a bunch of different cardio exercises. I've been doing some running everyday as part of this week's specific challenge in the Whole Life Challenge. While the running has been going well, it has also been a bit draining and I'm kinda tired of the treadmill.

So today I did something a bit different. I did 2 km on the treadmill (including 10 minutes of straight running - legs definitely felt nice and strong during this run too! So happy!!). Then I moved to the rowing machine, which totally kicked my ass! I managed to do 2 km in just under 10 minutes. I then got on the bike and cycled for 2 km. I didn't like the bike at all. The pedals didn't have any straps so my feet were just resting on the top. Plus the seat was at a slightly downward angle so I kept slipping forward and having to slow down/stop to readjust. Luckily 2 km didn't take me very long to complete (I think it was 5 minutes or just under). I ended with the cross-trainer and did 4 km on that to complete 10 km of movement for the day. I ended with 15 minutes of good stretching.

So things are good on the movement front for me.

My appetite is back. Yesterday I had a crazy craving for meat -- so I had some grilled lamb kebabs for dinner. Then I did something that totally surprised myself. I ate chicken! I haven't had chicken in 5 years! For some reason I was just ravenous -- so I ate! It was all lean, all grilled, definitely all Whole Life Challenge friendly! I think I just needed a change of taste. I've been eating so much fish lately - I was tired of it. The change was appreciated.

I was a bit worried that I would feel terrible after eating so much chicken & meat after such a long time ... but luckily I didn't. I was definitely full after eating, but I didn't feel bad or over-stuffed. I felt a bit heavy ... but by morning I was ready to eat again!

I guess that's just the way it goes sometimes!


I'll end with a recent pic -- The first ClubFit t-shirt I bought was an XL, but what I ended up wearing was a Medium -- that's how deep body image distortion goes. Hope I can get over it!

Supporting Club Fit (Kuwait) [proceeds of t-shirt sales go towards breast cancer research]

You Look So ...

Older generation Bangladeshis are not known for their tact. They'll have no problem approaching you and telling you to your face that you've put on weight or other criticisms. It's something I dread.

It's something that I've really, really been anxious about prior to my arrival in Dhaka. D knows that it is a major concern of mine because I don't want to feel bad, especially not when I've been working so hard. I know that I've lost weight, but I'm not thin (YET) ... so the last thing that I want to hear from my relatives is that I look fat.

Seriously. It was stressing me out.

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I wanted to post yesterday but it was such a busy day.

The day started off perfectly after an incredible 9-hour sleep. I felt like a new person. The Westin has a signature bed called 'The Heavenly Bed' - it is indeed HEAVENLY! I've stayed at several Westin's - Malaysia, Thailand, Toronto, NYC, etc. - their bed never disappoints. I want one in my house!

The main event of yesterday was a massive family gathering for dinner at my parents house. By massive I'm talking about around 70 people - and this was immediate family only :) I knew there would be lots of food at mom's place so D and I headed to the gym for a great workout - cardio + weights before heading over there. The gym trainers must not see a lot of women lifting heavy weights because they had an alarmed expression on their face as I squatted 55 kg. I think they would have had a heart attack if they saw me do my real 75 kg ... but as nice as the hotel gym was, it didn't have that many free weight options. Plus I wasn't really aiming to lift heavy, just work up a good sweat - and I definitely did.

I love that my mom is so aware of my eating habits now. Although there were many, many foods that I would normally have loved to eat (high in calories/fat/fried foods), she also had a number of dishes that were low fat, high protein for me plus lots of veggies. In the end, actually, I hardly ate anything at all because catching up with my relatives took up pretty much all my time.

So how did they react? Well, first of all, D and I were both wearing traditional clothes (me in a sari and him in a long kurta) so that delighted the whole family -- and on top of that, pretty much everybody (all the women at least) came up to me and said -- You look so ... thin! You've lost weight. You look terrific etc. etc. etc.

I haven't lost too much since I was here last year - I think 6 kg (15 lbs.) but I know that my body has definitely changed shape; after all, my clothes are all a smaller size. I know I'm on this mission for myself, but let's face it - you want others to notice how good you look as well. I'm not thin yet, but I know that I look different/better.

I was really happy. D was incredibly sweet telling me that I never had anything to worry about and that I should be proud of the work I've done -- and I am. It's definitely even more motivation to keep on going.

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Today has been more of the same.

Breakfast; lounging around; then the gym.

Today I decided to practice some of the Body Pump choreography that I've been trying to learn. I haven't looked at it since I came back from Italy. It was a really good workout, but I definitely need to practice more. I completed 6 tracks, some cardio, and a total of 200 squats.

My ass is quivering lol.

So far things have been good on the food front. My mom has been my biggest advocate, pleading on my behalf that we just want to visit family and enjoy their company versus go to eat - plus saying that both D and I have become really sensitive and can't eat all the rich foods. Bless her. She's my hero!

I love that on vacation D & I get a chance to work out together. It's a change in our routine. Plus we're both being vigilant of what we eat. That doesn't mean that we're on a crazy restrictive diet. We both know that Bangladeshi sweets are really, really good (and really sweet!). I told myself that I'd rather not eat anything else but just have a sweet if it came down to it. I know it's not the healthiest choice, but having one sweet on 3 days once a year is not a big deal in the scheme of things (in my opinion), especially when I'm still exercising (not that I exercise to make room for more food calories). Anyway.

I don't know if that's my inner/outer fat girl speaking and looking for an excuse to eat something sweet -- I know I don't need it, but I do enjoy it ... I guess we'll see how it all plays out once I weigh in when I get home!
 

Baby Got Back

When I told D what I was going to post about today, he was not amused - however, after spending all day sitting at my desk, I'm posting about it anyway.

If you take a look at my blog you'll see that I've been working out. I go to the gym regularly; I try to give it my all. Like everybody else, I do have setbacks, but I try to do the work in hopes to see the results ... and I am seeing the results. My legs are starting to look trimmer, my arms are definitely looking more toned, my abs -- well, the abs are always the last part of the body to shape up so we'll just leave it at that -- what I'm most disgruntled about is my butt!

Ya, I said it ... and you know what, I directly blame my PhD for my ever-expanding, never-shrinking ass ... my theory is, if you're spending 8-9 hours sitting on your ass in front of a desk, there's only one direction your ass can spread -- and that's outwards! When I've given this explanation to my friends, they laugh ... but I'm serious! I know it sounds crazy, but I am SURE that sitting on your ass for hours on end will cause it to expand. Gluteus maximus - seriously, who thought of that? Why not a kinder name like gluteus minimus? Or better yet, just gluteus? With an adjective like maximus, it's absolutely hopeless -- especially as I don't see an end to the endless hours at my desk. No matter how much I workout, I truly believe sitting at my desk has hindering any progress in reducing/shaping my ass.

Oh well. Despite the frustration (plus the crankiness at having been at my desk all day) I've gotta admit that Sir Mix-a-lot makes it a bit easier to have a big butt ;)

Enjoy! :)

Reality check

"I'm not a saint and I'm not a sinner,

Everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner"

~ Lily Allen: The Fear ~

There are some people who seem to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I love myself. Unconditionally. Fat rolls, stretch marks, triple chins and all."

I can't do that.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.

I don't want to hear that I'm being too hard on myself or it's all about inner beauty. This actually does not have anything to do with you -- it has everything to do with me.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.

It's plain and simple. Every inch of me reflects choices that I made or didn't make. My reflection in the mirror does not lie -- there's no reason for me to make up stories in my head saying, "At least you've lost X amount of pounds. You should be happy."

I'm not denying that I have worked hard - because my hard work is reflected in the mirror too. I am willing to give myself credit where credit is due (and that in itself is a HUGE step for me). However, the work is not done.

I don't beat myself up about my image as much as I used to -- I've lessened the harshness of my vocabulary realizing that the adjectives 'hate' and 'ugly' weren't helping my case. However, I don't fool myself. I'm still realistic about what I see in the mirror -- and I'm doing something about it.

I am still overwhelmed at the task ahead -- it's going to take a lot of work. I feel fortunate that I've never been afraid of working hard. I am ready to continue this journey and finish strong. I know that it will still take time. Real change doesn't happen over night. I have to be patient. I have to be practical. I have to be realistic.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see ...

... but I will work my ass off (literally) until I do.

Crash

A few hours after I posted yesterday's entry, I started to feel really down. I could see where my negative thoughts were going to take me and I really tried to control them, but it didn't work. This is not the first time when I've felt a crash i n emotions after a really good workout - or usually a really good few weeks of working out ... it's the frustration that sets in. It's the 'I can't believe I work this hard and I still look the way I do.' It's the fact that a lot of times I don't tell people how much I exercise because I'm embarrassed that I workout for hours and I am still so overweight.

How do you come to terms with those thoughts?

Over the past two years I have made a very conscious effort to change not only my behaviors, but also my thought patterns. Achieving this was not easy, and finding the right balance was even harder. Still, I started with cutting down my food portions and upping the exercise. I reached a point where I was barely eating 1,000 calories a day (there may have been a few days where I barely hit over 500) and I was exercising almost obsessively - 3 hours was minimum (some days I went up to 6 hours). I now know that the way i was behaving was unhealthy, but I definitely chose to ignore it at the time.

I did not work on my thought patterns at all. I had one goal - lose weight, and I was going to do it no matter what.

It was through that obsessiveness that I lost 22 kg (around 48 lbs) in 15 months. I felt great about losing the weight. I felt great about buying clothes that were smaller in size. I felt great about the reactions I was getting from others towards my weight loss ... However, I don't think I actually felt great about myself ... y'know, inside my head, inside my body. It was just a physical change ...

..... and sure enough, the weight started to come back. Not too much, but enough to make me start to panic.

By this time the pressure of my PhD was increasing, my stress levels were through the roof, my sleep was practically non-existent. I was still controlling my calories (around 1,100-1,300 a day) and I was still exercising - but everything was forced. I didn't enjoy my food. I enjoyed working out, but now with the same amount of enthusiasm or energy as before ... that's when I hit my plateau.

I managed to lose some of the weight I had gained, but then I hit a certain point and I was just stuck ... and I'm still stuck there. I'm almost 7 kg heavier than I was at my 'lightest' back in July 2010. I have not been able to come down. I'm still bloody stuck.

It's frustrating. Have I made progress? Yes. I've lost some weight. I've lost some inches. I've definitely gained muscle (which I know weighs more). I've reevaluated my eating and am focusing more on nutrition vs. calories (though still counting). I'm working on the mental aspect of this whole process, but I feel like I'm failing miserably.

I just feel stuck.

Making an Effort

I feel like I need to follow up my ‘If the Shoe Fits’ with a bit more explanation. When I reread that post it sounded very, very negative and made it seem (to me) that I was just sitting in the corner of a room feeling depressed and worthless and only surviving because of a gorgeous pair of heels …

It’s definitely not as simple as that. I guess what I was trying to convey is that inner demons are tough to fight, and sometimes you’ve just got to find something that will help you get through the challenge.

Even if I may not be happy with where I am right now, I do know that I’m taking steps to get to where I want to be. I am moving forward. I am trying … and I do acknowledge that it is an accomplishment to take these steps. I still have occasional frustrating thoughts of ‘What’s the point?! Nothing’s going to change!’ – but they’ve become fleeting moments now instead of constant thoughts. I definitely think that’s progress.

As for that damn mirror – well, even though I haven’t reached my goal, I know that I still have to make an effort. I remember a time when I didn’t care at all, and I think it showed – and of course that made it worse. How am I supposed to feel better about myself and the way I look if I don’t at least try?

I guess this is also part of getting into the right frame of mind to improve your health and getting to know your body. Figuring out what clothes work for your body (and definitely what clothes don’t!); accenting your assets; minimizing your flaws – I guess that’s what everyone wants to do regardless of their body time/body image. It all comes down to taking the time … and making the effort.