Family Members and Food

I grudgingly skipped my workouts at both the gym and CrossFit today in order to take care of errands. I ended up doing my 'go-to' workout at home that I created for myself. I know it's not the same as going to the gym, but it's all I could do today.

I had 23 things on my list of things to do today and I got through all of them except for 2 phone calls that I have yet to make. The phone calls have been more exhausting than the actual running around. For example I spent 37 minutes on the phone with the British Airways office in London. The guy kept apologizing for making me wait and I wanted to just scream at him - stop apologizing, just do them damn work! I finally lost my temper at the end after I had finished all my transactions etc. when he said I just want to check one more thing. I snapped and said, What exactly are you checking? You said everything was already finalized and good to go. You are running up my phone bill for no reason. To which he apologized again and asked if I would mind staying on the line to for a survey. Was he kidding me?! I told him no way. I confirmed that everything I needed was taken care of and then I hung up. I swear I could have screamed!! Ugh.

Anyway. Aside from that my biggest stress has been preparing for my dad's visit. He arrives at 4 a.m. tomorrow. That's right, 4 a.m.

My Dad visits every 3 months for his health check-ups. I love my Dad, but we do not see eye to eye at all when it comes to eating healthy and how to go about losing weight/living a healthier life. He's totally into fad diets (which he doesn't commit to); he preaches about staying away from flour, sugar, and cheese -- the 3 things that he loves to indulge in; and worst of all, he's diabetic and a kidney transplant patient and I know he sneaks in chocolate.

(My blood pressure is rising just writing this!)

During his first visit, I had a meltdown every single day. We argued and I cried because I felt like he didn't respect me and the changes that I had made in my eating habits. As he is eating pizza (that he ordered) he asks me if I want a slice -- and this is after 10 days of him knowing that I'm not eating any flour, dairy, or sugar/processed foods (I was on the Whole Life Challenge).

His second trip was a bit better, but we still clashed. That time, however, I backed off a bit and just let him do his thing. I knew that I was doing whatever I could to make sure we were well fed (quantity and quality of food). When he asked for Burger King instead of arguing about it and stressing myself out, I just took him to Burger King. At 65 years old if he's not going to change his habits, why should I stress over it?

I say that, but the truth of the matter is that I do stress over it because I know it is bad for his health. It hurts me to see him not take care of himself. When I see the way he eats and is around food it is like a traumatic experience - making me think of how I developed bad habits in the first place.

It makes me sad and angry.

I find it really, really difficult to deal with.

I know where I stand in terms of my health and how I want to live my life. I know that if he wants junk food or chocolate or ice cream, I do not need to join him. I am just fine with how and what I eat. I do believe this; however, I also know that it will stress me out though I'm going to try to just breathe through it as much as I can.

Today I did a huge grocery shop. I have loaded up on delicious vegetables and lots of different proteins. I also bought my dad a few little treats - some 85% dark chocolate, a cheese and olive mix that he likes, some bread, and some cheese as well as a few other nibbles. It gave me mild anxiety putting these foods in my cart because they were things that I just don't buy anymore, but I figured I'd rather control how many snacks there are in the house versus letting him go crazy in the supermarket (and he does go crazy in the supermarket - I get both my eating habits  and my shopaholic tendencies from my dad).

The next ten days will be challenging. My schedule will be disrupted (once again) and food will be a bit of an issue.

However, I know that I am strong. I know what is good for me. I know what my goals are. There is no need for anything or anybody to get in the way of that. I have been through enough obstacles over the past 2 years to know how to stay in control, or at least in as much control as possible.

There will definitely be a lot of deep breathing going on over the next few days.

Today's Workout:
Workout at home

Today's Food:
Breakfast: Banana + 1 T peanut butter + 1 date
Lunch: Baked fish in tomato sauce, chili, and bell peppers
Dinner: Baked fish and vegetables (wasn't feeling too creative today)
Snack: 1 cup green tea; 1/2 cup grapes

Friday Five

I'm back! I've actually been back for a while now but I just haven't been able to bring myself to blog or get on the computer. I figure Friday Five is the best way to kinda catch up on what's been going on with me lately.

1) My Dallas trip - Flying to the States for only 5 days was quite a long journey to make. Still, the conference was really good and my presentation went well. I got to meet up with some friends -- including a friend of mine that I hadn't seen in 23 years (yes, that's right, 23!!!). We were separated during the 1990/1991 Gulf invasion/war ... and thanks to Facebook we were able to reconnect. Since he lived in Dallas he came to visit me. You'd think that after 23 years we'd struggle to find anything to talk about, but the 2 hours we spent together were great! It was quite a treat :)

I went to the gym only once while I was there, but I walked outdoors every single day. It was nice to take advantage of the fresh air and at least some greener/scenery - a good change from Kuwait.

I managed to stay on target with the Whole Life Challenge on all the days except for the last day which is when I was traveling back to Kuwait - no way to properly plan - a 10 hour flight, a 14 hour layover, followed by another 6 hour flight. I didn't eat badly (though I did have a slice of carrot cake in London when I was catching up with a friend; didn't finish it though coz' it wasn't that good) but I didn't follow the plan exactly. The challenge is about being aware of the choices you are making. Given the circumstances, I did the best I could.

Me in Dallas, TX (March 2013)

On my first day I ordered an egg white and spinach omelet (it came with mushrooms and tomatoes); when I asked them not to bring any bread they surprised me with 3 bananas! The bananas were my breakfast for the following 3 days :)

2) General Thoughts about Eating - There were 2 days in Dallas where I ate badly ... badly in the sense that because I wanted to stay on track I only had a banana and 2 dates plus maybe a handful of nuts all day; on one of those days I also had a plain grilled piece of salmon. I felt sick.

It was stupid of me to do that. I know the purpose of the challenge is not to starve yourself because that's not healthy. Still, I couldn't bring myself to eat anything that was off plan. It was stubbornness and stupidness on my part. I should have eaten.

Food = fuel. No food = no fuel = crankiness, dizziness, and general yuckiness!

As I said, it wasn't smart.

As soon as I got home I got back on track. Cleaner than clean eating; making sure I ate properly and ate to fuel my body. It's been much better.

However, before I got to that point, I hit a really low point. (This is kinda linked to #3.) I don't know if it was jet lag, the long travel, getting my period, or the general depression that I was feeling, but my body felt sick. My body felt hungry and starved for energy. I couldn't really put my finger on it and that's when I decided that I needed to eat something and I mean really eat something -- not a binge, not a treat, just food that I wanted.

By the way, upon returning from my trip, I weighed myself the morning I arrived and saw that I had gained 3 kg (6.5 lbs). Again, I don't know if it's because of all the factors I mentioned above, but those were the facts and it pissed me off. Could one day of bad eating really have caused that gain?

I went through a really frustrating few days. I was just feeling off ... and that's when I ate. That morning I had a coffee (with milk); I had an omelet for breakfast, a salad for lunch, another salad for dinner, but then I had 2 mini sliders, including the bread, plus I had a brownie for dessert. (The foods I underlined are the ones that weren't whole life challenge friendly)

I didn't feel guilty about it at all. In fact, I really enjoyed my meals and I felt good. It really felt like that was what I needed.

When I woke up the next day, I felt great. I think part of my funk was low blood sugar and general low blood pressure. In any case, after I ate that meal, I felt really good and I was ready to attack the last 3 weeks of the Whole Life Challenge.

Since that day I've been totally on point. I've lost the 3 kg; in fact, I've lost 4.5 kg (10 lbs).

 One of my latest salad creations - featuring grilled chicken, baked tomatoes, and French beans -- recipe coming soon, I promise!

3) My Mental State - I have not been in a good state mentally. I really feel like I've been in quite a funk since the end of February when my kickboxing trainer went on vacation. Without a routine and with a 10-day holiday, I just didn't seem to be able to find my own footing. I was exercising daily, and I was sticking to the Whole Life Challenge, but my body wasn't responding ... and for sure my mind wasn't focused at all. There were a lot of things going on in my mind - partly to do with negative self-image, stress about what to do with my training, stress about my upcoming trip, wondering what to do next with work ... and then most of all, an upcoming 'anniversary' of a really traumatic event in my past. I don't like to give the date any significance and I try not to think about it ... but inevitably it seems like around this time of year, my mind really takes over my body and I just start to shut down. My insomnia was back. My stress levels were through the roof. My anxiety was out of control.

I was miserable. I really do think that was part of my weight gain. Not that I was eating out of misery - in fact, I didn't touch a single thing during even my worst bouts of depression. I exercised daily and I ate right ... but my body just seemed to be holding on to my fat - perhaps as a type of insulation against all that shit that was surrounding me.

I don't know. All I know is that once things started settling down in my mind, the weight started to come off and I was feeling lighter - lighter in the sense of no burden on my shoulders as well as physically lighter.

I think sometimes it just happens that way.


4) Getting Back into It - I landed in Kuwait at 7 a.m. on Thursday (March 21), came home from the airport, showered, changed, and went straight to work to teach my 10 a.m. class. That day I was totally shattered, but I made sure not to nap. My main task was to go to the grocery store and make sure my fridge was restocked with all the necessities. I did my minimum 10 minutes of stretching and 10 minutes of workout as needed by the challenge and that was it.

I thought that I the jet lag would really drag me down (given that I was dealing with an 8-hour difference) but I think I've just been so crazy busy lately that I didn't suffer from any jet lag at all!

Here's what I've been doing:

Friday: 3 km walk
Saturday: 1 hour yoga on the beach; 1 hour spinning class
Sunday: cardio, MMA training, & weights in the morning; 1 hour spinning class in the evening
Monday: 100 burpees plus other conditioning exercises in the morning; CrossFit in the evening (yes, I restarted CrossFit)
Tuesday: cardio, MMA training, & weights in the morning; 1 hour spinning class in the evening
Wednesday: Day 2 of Week 7 of C25K which means 26 minutes straight of running (felt awesome!!!); CrossFit in the evening
Thursday: cardio, MMA training, & weights in the morning; 1 hour spinning class in the evening
Friday (today): 2 hour outdoor bootcamp (featuring yoga, Zumba, core/conditioning exercises, and some fitness challenges)

So as you can see, I have been BUSY and I feel great. The exercise has helped elevate my mood and of course it's also helped me drop the weight. I actually wasn't exercising to lose the weight. I was just enjoying getting back into a routine and being active. I'm feeling much, much better. Whew!

Here are a few fitness pix from throughout the week:

MMA training - working on my elbows and right crosses & testing out my new UFC 4 oz. gloves - love them!!

I was very proud of my 3 sets of 10 reps of 50 kg (110 lb) front squats

Tire Flips at CrossFit Q8 (so good to be back!)

My prep for this morning's boot camp & a few pix from the workout (that's me in the front with the light purple top - shakin' my ass!) :) 

5) My Goal in terms of Moving Forward: 

(I'll be visiting your blogs and commenting soon!!)

Back to 'Normal'

From tomorrow, things will be back to normal, and I am so EXCITED!

D's parents left Kuwait today, so that marks the end of family visits (dad earlier this month and his parents for the past ten days), which also means that I can finally get into my routine the way I would like it to be.

My proper teaching schedule starts tomorrow, and that will basically be the foundation of my day. The rest of my routine will be organized around my classes/office hours/meetings/prep/marking etc. Although having time off is nice, I definitely function better when I've got a schedule in place and a routine to follow.

Not having out of town visitors also means no more eating out. Even though I tried to make the best choices when I went out, I know I ate more than usual and the foods were not always prepared in the healthiest way possible. Now I am back in control in terms of food and that feels really, really good.

I've pretty much got a clear stretch to work & workout for the next 7 weeks after which I've got my first trip of the year (Dallas, TX for a conference - yay!). I really, really want to make these next 7 weeks count and hopefully reward myself with a mini shopping spree in the States :)

Week in Review (Jan. 20 - 26)
Workouts: 13 in total [1 outdoor walk/run; 1 body balance class; 3 cardio-focus sessions; 2 weight training sessions; 6 MMA training practices]
Daily stretching: 7 days - 15 minutes a day
Burpee count: 340 {challenge total: 780/20,130}

Plan for the upcoming week -- try to complete as many things on my January 2013 Checklist!! I'm especially falling behind on my academic stuff. I really can't slack in that area. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I definitely have to modify my plans for next month and make them a bit more realistic. Most importantly, totally clean up my eating!!


Today's Workout
MMA: Cardio Kickboxing @ClubFit (1 hour 15 min)
Stretching: 15 minutes
Burpees: 30 {chalenge total: 780/20,130}

Today's Food
Breakfast: 1/2 blueberry muffin & caramel latte (ya, I know); 1/2 egg white omelet (it wasn't very good) & green tea
Lunch: grilled lamb w/hummus and pita bread
Dinner: tandoori fish; curried potatoes and rice (leftovers from yesterday)
Snacks: a few different sweets - mindless eating really *shaking my head*

Alright, it's the end of the weekend. My meals for the week are done; my outfits for work have been laid out. My intended workouts have been outlined. A good night's rest and I should be good to go! 

One year ago

One year ago, I woke up from what was supposed to be a hysterectomy to relieve me from the terrible pain of my uterine fibroids, to find out that the surgery wasn't successful; the fibroids could not be removed; they would remain & continue to multiply/grow and I would have to just suck it up and deal with the pain.

It was terrible, and I had a really tough time coping with this news. I was angry. Very angry. I went through huge bouts of depression and fury. [I still have the occasional bout.]

There were a few days where I just threw my hands up in the air and said: Fuck it. I don't care. However, out of the past 365 days I'm happy to say that most of those days were spent physically healing, getting on track with my diet and exercise, and fueling myself with determination that I will find a solution to this problem and when I do, I'm going to be in terrific shape to help the healing process go by quickly and smoothly.

I know that I was able to physically recover from this past surgery much faster than the previous one in 2008. This was simply because I had been working on improving my health and fitness; I saw the benefits as doing simple things like hoisting myself out of bed and lowering myself down onto a chair were not as difficult as before. It was still challenging, but imagine if I hadn't taken care of my health ... if I hadn't lost some weight ... if I hadn't done any strength training.

It was seeing these results that made me think - Fine. I may not be better, but I'm going to ignore this problem and keep exercising/eating right until I reach my goal. Even if I have a uterus that is the size of a woman's who is 6-months pregnant (very irritating when you're NOT pregnant!!!), I'm not going to let that be a reason for why I can't lose weight, become fitter, and thinner!

It's been a slow process, but I'm finally making really good strides and moving forward.

I still have daily pain, and some days are terrible. I still feel upset, but those moments are temporary because lamenting on my situation won't make me better.

I am finally ready to start researching further options to take care of this problem. I think I will try acupuncture for some pain management, because I really don't want to be taking pain killers if I can help it. Plus I've got a few numbers of some doctors in London and the States who I'd like to check with and see if they can help or at least advise.

I will continue to cope and make the best of the situation for now, but I really would like the problem to be solved. I can't believe that in today's day and age a handful of fibroids and adhesions are going to keep me in this much discomfort for the rest of my life.

So, it's time to tackle this upcoming year so that next year's post will be even more positive and have some good news.

In the meantime, I'll be exercising, eating right, and working on staying positive.

Temptation

Today I met with some of my aunt's (mother's sister who lives in Bangladesh and is fighting/has fought 4 types of cancer) friends. It's been a while since I had seen them and we wanted to reconnect.

We ended up meeting at The Chocolate Bar - a restaurant here that features, you guessed it, chocolate. I've been to this restaurant five or six times; of those times I've had a dessert twice (delicious), the other times I had either a sandwich or a salad (also delicious).

We were meeting at 5:30 p.m. - a time that's really neither lunch or dinner for me. Anyway.

I never thought I would say this, but as I flipped through the menu, I didn't even feel the slightest bit of temptation to have anything.

Now, I love chocolate. I mean, I really, really love chocolate -- but after this whole experience, I'm wondering - will can I write that in the past tense?

I'm not sure where I stand yet.

I'm just happy that I didn't feel like I was 'deprived' or sacrificing anything. I didn't feel like I was missing out or stuck doing some sort of silly/meaningless challenge that was holding me back from enjoying my life.

At that moment, as I sipped my chamomile tea and drank my water, I was perfectly fine to be sitting there laughing along with these incredibly kind and hilarious women and think nothing of the food. When their peanut butter/chocolate/caramel/ice cream etc. desserts came out and I was offered a taste, I easily smiled and said 'No, thank you.'

The comment, 'One bite won't kill you' came up - and I had to say, "That's not what this is about. I'm just not interested, and most of all, I'm happy with what I've got."

I've been surprising myself each day with this new found will-power.

Right now in the house, there are a few squares of dark chocolate and a jar of chocolate chips in the fridge as well as some Belgian chocolate ice cream in the freezer. I guarantee you had it been 18 days ago, I would have had no hesitation eating them (not all at once) and thinking, this 1/2 cup of ice cream is not going to kill me. It's not going to have an impact on the 2-3 hours of exercise I put in at the gym today.

That was then, this is now. It's 18 days later and I'm 11.4 lbs lighter (just 1.5 lbs away from the goal weight I wanted to be at before leaving for the wedding - I've never been so close to a goal weight by a specific date than this!) and I'm feeling so good.

I still don't have answers. I'm still discovering and learning about my body and my mind ... I'm not rushing it but rather, I'm enjoying the process.

The First and the Last

The First
This week was the first time I did CrossFit 3 times in one week. My only question is - Will burpees ever get easier? They are absolute torture to me. I've done tons of them, but they don't seem to be getting any easier and they completely wipe me out - completely!! {Here's a video on how to do burpees - go to 40 seconds into the video clip and imagine doing it in double time}

Imagine my horror when today's WOD was 5 rounds of 15 dead lifts, 15 burpees, 15 push-ups, 15 leg raises (while hanging from the bar) - each with 5 jump squats in between. They were all fine, but the burpees really killed me. I feel like I should practice them so that I can improve my stamina and my form, but in all honestly, I don't really want to do burpees unless I have to ... but I probably should practice {sob, but I don't want to!} - hmmm who is going to win this battle? We'll see!

The Last
I drove to my parents house for the last time today.

We closed up the house and turned in our keys. It hit me more than I thought I would as I walked from room to room - all empty, reminding me of the way it looked when we first came to the apartment 22 years ago. Although I haven't spent all of the past 22 years at home, it has always been home for me - a place where I could always go to and feel safe. Today, we closed those doors. It marked the end of an era ... and hopefully the start of many new beginnings.

Mom in the hallway, heading into the elevator and me waiting to lock up for the last time.

A Farewell

The only thing on my mind today was the farewell luncheon/tea that I was having for my parents at my place. Although I was having most of it catered, there were still a lot of things to do in the house - cleaning up, getting all the serving dishes ready, preparing the salads - plus the dreaded grocery shopping trip.

For some reason I only managed to sleep for 2 1/2 hours last night (is my insomnia coming back or is it jet lag??). Not getting enough sleep worries me. I've suffered from insomnia my whole life and feel lucky when I managed to get 5 solid hours, ecstatic when I get 6 (shocked when I get more - very, very rare). So struggling to sleep makes me feel anxious, which I know also contributes to the insomnia. It's a terrible cycle! Anyway.

The advantage of not sleeping is that I was able to go to the supermarket early. I'm always amazed at how long it takes to get my grocery shopping done. I was there for 1 1/2 hours! Oh well, at least my fridge is fully packed with yummy veggies to last the upcoming week.

My contribution to the luncheon was two of my parents' favorite salads: My 'Welcome Back' Salad and a Three Bean Salad (will post the recipe later). Just those two things took ages to prep - but they enjoyed them both so it was worth it :)

The farewell itself was nice. It was just a small gathering of my friends that have known my parents for several years plus KD (Body Pump instructor) and her husband as they're recent close additions to my life. It was a simple afternoon/evening -- the reality of them didn't really hit me until people started saying good-bye. Then it started to feel strange. I know for my friends who are foreigners here, it has been nice having my parents as a 'permanent' fixture in Kuwait. It's like they're all part of the family - need help in an emergency? Need advice? Need a home cooked meal? They don't need to wait for their parents to come visit them - my parents are here. Even if they didn't meet up regularly, my parents were here ... and in two weeks, they'll be gone. It was a strange feeling.

Post to Myself

Dear Me,

 I know that a few weeks ago you wouldn't have been able to write this letter. Yes, just a few weeks ago... but now look where you are.

You have come such a long way ... Such a very long way, especially since 1990 when you started to face many challenges.

You have been physically abused, emotionally abused, taken advantage of, told you were worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. You have been afraid of so many things - getting close to other people, trusting other, letting yourself be loved, taking chances, believing in yourself.

No more. No more.

You are stronger than ever before.
You are faster than ever before.
You are smarter than ever before.
You are surrounded by more supportive people than ever before.

The journey is not over, but that is actually the good news. Now you can go forward with newfound confidence and belief in yourself. There is still much work to be done, but you can do it - you have done it! Keep moving forward but now slow down a little. You know now that you are strong. You know now that a bit of pain and struggle does not mean things are impossible.

Enjoy the process. Take in the view. Breathe. Be fearless.

Me.

Diagnosis

I did not want to go to the doctor today for two main reasons:

1. I didn't think my injury was that serious. It feels like a muscle strain, and I know that all you really need to do is rest it up and wait for it to heal. So, if that was the case, I was being kind of silly going to the doctor.
2. I was afraid that it was more serious than just a strain and the doctor would tell me that I wouldn't be able to exercise and that I would have to stay away from the gym for a few weeks.

In the end, it was all ok.

He was a bit concerned that it has been hurting for almost a month now, but overall, he didn't think that it would be a problem. It is just a muscle strain of the rectus femoris (hip flexor). This particular muscle crosses the hip and the knee, which is why my hip (and even lower back) has been hurting as well. My knee hasn't been too bad.

In any case, I'm on muscle relaxants for 3 days and anti-inflammtory meds for 10. I'll go back to see him on the 29th and then he'll determine whether or not I need an MRI for further investigation or some physiotherapy to help with the recovery. He's also going to take a look at the shoes I've been wearing while training. He said that wearing the wrong pair of shoes could have an impact all the way from my foot (the pad of my left foot really hurts) to my hip/lower back!

As for working out, he didn't restrict me from the gym. He did tell me to lay off exercises that put pressure on the quads - no lunges, squats, leg presses etc. (darn, no squats, gutted lol). As for cardio, he said to use common sense - if it hurts to run, don't run etc.

So good news on the diagnosis front. I'll try and be sensible and focus more on other types of exercises that don't put pressure on my legs.

I'm at a bit of a loss workout-wise at the moment. I guess I could start on Phase 5 of NROL4W, but part of me wants to take a break and just do something different for a week or two. I guess I'll take a look to see what Phase 5 is all about and then either start with it tomorrow or put together a routine for the next two weeks so that I don't feel lost in the gym.

Today, 45 minutes on the cross-trainer followed by some triceps and shoulder resistance training. Not too intense, but just enough for the day.