Friday Five

This week has had its ups and downs. I've been doing well in terms of my food and exercise, but overall have just been feeling a bit down. I'm worried about my brother, and the distance from my family just feels terrible. At the same time, I'm trying not to let my emotions get the best of me. I feel like I spent most of this past week (actually the past 2 weeks) talking to myself - reminding myself that it's ok to feel down but that it doesn't have to control your whole day or lead to unhealthy habits. It's hard to keep having to go through that kind of self-talk. Part of me feels it's necessary because it's true. There's nothing I can do from here, so I might as well make the most of my day. Another part of me, however, just wants to wallow. The emotions are too strong. The helplessness is real. The frustration is undeniable.

That being said, keeping this week's meals simple and my routine consistent has helped me get through the week. I'm hoping that I'll be a bit more of engaged next week and everything I do won't feel like such a chore.

A few highlights from the week:

My breakfast for the week: A smoothie of açai, bananas, and red grapes -- delicious, but cold

My lunch for the week: sautéed butternut squash and broccoli, over raw spinach, with cucumber and avocado -- yummy and very filling! 

Instead of doing my cardio on a treadmill, I headed out to a park just behind my house and went for a lovely walk. Being outdoors was so refreshing. The sounds, sights, and smells were highly therapeutic! 

I had a couple of good weight training sessions this week. As much as I'd like to do more in the weight room, I think I've come up with a routine that I can stick to and maintain. It's better than nothing! 

The launch date for my Women's Self-Defense class has been set. I start on April 10th, and I'm so excited! I'm particularly looking forward to teaching the class with D. I hope that the class will make a difference to other women's lives as it did mine. 

Friday Five

I can't believe a whole week went by without me posting. That was not my intention -- but this week didn't coincide that well with my good intentions. I felt rather off sync throughout the week. It's amazing how one or two out of the ordinary events can throw me off my groove. I really do need to learn how to be less reliant on having a set schedule.

Here are the top 5 things that got me off my A game this week -- Although the week didn't go according to plan, it wasn't all a failure. I tried my best to learn from each incident - and I hope that the lessons will keep me moving forward.


Self-Doubt
Last week I found myself spiraling downward into a really dark head-space. I let one little incident consume me and fill me without doubt -- doubt of things I've accomplished and doubt of what lies ahead in my future. It was not good. The scariest part for me was that I could feel myself sinking into the quicksand of negative thoughts. In the past, not only would I not have control over these thoughts, but I would also fully believe in them and allow myself to get pulled down. This time, it was different. I knew better. It was a true struggle within. On the one hand, I felt suffocated. On the other, I was trying to coax myself out of the funk. I was 'happy' that I could recognize what was happening and that I really didn't want to go there. I knew that I could pull out of this and that it was foolish to allow one little thing - that really didn't have anything directly to do with me - to throw me off my course.

I had one day of pure darkness, but I didn't allow myself to to remain there. I kept rallying, and that's what led me to reassess a few things.

Prioritizing 
While I was trying to figure out how to get out of my funk, one thing became clear to me -- If I was doubting my abilities/potential/skill, then I obviously wasn't working hard enough. I know that may seem like I'm being hard on myself, but if I'm 100% honest with myself, I know I can do better. There are little things here and there that I let slide. In the desire and attempt to try and do it all, I can't always give 100% of myself to each thing that I try.

My biggest priority at the moment is to fine tune my Jiu-Jitsu training so that I'm ready for LA in January (assuming I get accepted -- I haven't found out yet; regardless, it's best I start my training now so that I'm not caught off guard later on). That means extra time on the mat, extra time studying my moves, and extra time drilling. The last thing I want, as I mentioned before, is to feel unprepared or unsure of myself because I didn't give all my efforts into my training. It's important to me, so it has to be a priority.

With that as my main goal at the moment, I've had to sacrifice other things, namely my Muay Thai training at the moment. It really, really makes me sad to not pursue this line of training at the moment, but it is just for the moment. Hopefully once I know more about what's happening in January, I'll be able to work Muay Thai back into my schedule. Right now, all roads lead to Jiu-Jitsu -- and that means working on my endurance, strength, and flexibility through specific Jiu-Jitsu related drills and more mat time.

Leftovers 
In addition to training, of course my food has to be looked at. Coming off the Whole Life Challenge has been tricky. It's amazing - I can be SO disciplined on the challenge - not even think of things on the forbidden list, but once I'm off, things change. I haven't gone totally out of control, but I have probably eaten a bit more than I should have and I've definitely given in to my sweet tooth. Another thing that set it off was having people over during the weekend -- although the main meal was clean (and whole life challenge friendly), there were desserts ... and instead of throwing them out (which I totally should have done), they were eaten ... in addition to that, some other changes in my week's schedule meant that my weekly food prep didn't get done ... and that has had an impact. Again, it's not that the foods have been horrible -- but I think that being on the Whole Life Challenge and totally cutting out all sugars, preservatives, etc. etc. changed my body chemistry. I feel the difference between my homemade granola and the one bought in the store - obviously the store bought one, no matter how organic and how 'clean' still has other stuff in it. All these little things add up -- and now they need to be subtracted. It's just not worth it. Food prep has to be a top priority -- even before my training actually, coz' I can't train right if I don't eat right.

Sleeplessness 
For the past 5 days my sleep has been breaking around 2 a.m. Last night/this morning I couldn't get back to sleep. What's ironic is that normally my mind is crammed with thoughts and stresses and worries ... but my mind was actually blank. I was even trying to come up with soothing, relaxing thoughts but it just didn't work. I thought that I'd have a good night's sleep coz' I had had such a good workout that day (weights, MetaFit, and Jiu-Jitsu), but I just couldn't relax and sleep. I think it has to do with all these extra chemicals in me. It's the only thing significant thing that I can think of. I'm hoping that cleaning up my food will sort my sleep out.

Rest and Reset 
This weekend, I'm hoping to catch up on my sleep, to solidify my plan for the upcoming week - particularly how to navigate through Thanksgiving!! - and enjoy a reunion with some friends I haven't seen in a few years.

Working without Numbers - Part 2

Calories in vs. calories out.

We've all heard it before, right? The numbers have to work in a certain way -- you need to burn more than you eat in order to lose weight …

Do you agree?

I definitely agree with the basic principle, but for me, it doesn't work that simply.

I feel like I've been experimenting with my food for years now. I workout regularly, I eat clean, but if it all came down to calculations of calories in vs. calories out and the number on the scale, it doesn't add up.

I sometimes wonder if there's a particular ingredient that I'm eating that may be healthy but still doesn't agree with me? I'm not feeling ill or bloated or anything. I'm not even feeling lethargic or fatigued. I'm just not dropping weight like I feel I should be. It's not about muscle vs. fat. I mean, I know I've put on muscle, but it's still not enough to justify the weight.

It's frustrating. I know that I need to keep tweaking my eating and my workouts until I find the right formula -- the one that works for my body chemistry and my activity level.

The important thing is to keep going.

I know that years ago I would have thought to myself - Forget this! If I'm putting in all this effort and not seeing any results, why should I go on?

This attitude is not helpful at all. Seriously. Who will you help/hurt by eating junk food and throwing healthy habits out the window just because the numbers don't always add up? This is why it's important to keep on Working without the Numbers -- it's the effort that matters.

Daily exercise is good for you.
Eating healthy is good for you.

The reason why the numbers on the scale may not be adding up is not because you're being healthy. It's going to be because of something else. However, there should be no doubt that exercise and clean eating are healthy habits that have long term benefits.

I know it's easy to get hung up on the numbers and feel frustrated. Trust me, I feel it more often than I care to admit ... but the important thing is to not give up. Keep going. Keep trying. Take comfort in knowing you're putting forth your best effort and the results will come. Suddenly you'll find that you've got a bit more pep to your step, you can finish that extra rep with better form, and those jeans suddenly have a bit more room in them. Success comes in all sorts of shapes and sizes.

Stay positive and keep trying. Don't get distracted by the numbers.

Working without Numbers - Part 1

I weigh myself daily. I know that there are a lot of discussions out there about how often you should weigh yourself and the pros and cons of whatever decision you make.

I've decided to weigh myself on a daily basis. However, it's taken quite a bit of discipline not to let the numbers get the best of me. I've seen major weight fluctuations with the span of just 1 day - one morning I wake up weighing X and the next day I'm up almost 2 kg, despite eating clean and working out. The following day I could be down 1/2 a kilo (it always goes on faster than it comes off, doesn't it?!), and then after another 3 days it could be 2 kilos lighter.

It is so frustrating!

That being said, I still like to weigh myself daily because it allows me to check myself. If I have a weight gain, even if it's 100 grams, I focus on what choices I make during the day to ensure that I stay on track and not contribute to the weight gain. Does it always work? No.

The real discipline comes from not letting those numbers get the best of you.

In the end, it's a long process. You've got to trust that the results that correspond to your effort will eventually come.

It's not easy. However, I am getting better at it.

By tracking daily, I have come to realize how big my weight fluctuations can be. I could steadily gain weight over a period of 2 weeks only to see it all come off with a bit extra over the span of 2 days.

The key is to just keep diligently working towards your goals.

I know that in the past I would get frustrated and think - Seriously? I gained weight? What was the point of skipping dessert if I was going to gain weight anyway?!

This type of mentality is dangerous to have. I think that's why the end goal shouldn't be solely on weight loss but rather living a healthier lifestyle.

Weight lifting definitely helped me change my attitude because after several months of really good weight lifting, I began to realize even though I was either weighing the same and often more, my body shape was changing and I was losing inches, even if I wasn't losing pounds.

I had to change my perception of weight and my attitude towards the numbers.

I knew that being stuck in that negative head space wasn't going to do me any good at all.
It's still tough for me to see a gain on the scale, but after moping for a bit, I shrug it off and get back to doing whatever needs to be done to keep working towards my goal.

After all, my overall goal is to be healthy and fit -- with or without the corresponding numbers, that is my end goal. Hopefully the numbers on the scale/body measurements will eventually catch up.

The bottom line: Know your goals. Figure out what you need to do to achieve them. Keep working towards them, and don't let the numbers on the scale hold you back. 

Fear and Fitness

Tuesday felt like a long fitness day for me -- I did weights in the morning followed by MetaFit and then 2 hours of Jiujitsu in the evening. I was so tired by the end of the day but also happy with my workouts.

Working on my deadlifts. 

I still have a lot of practice to do before I can work up to my max from a couple of years ago, but I'm happy I felt nice and strong with my 3 sets of 8 reps at 60 kg (132 lbs)

As D and I were driving home from Jiujitsu, he asked me how I was feeling about the MetaFit training course that I was going to the next day. I told him I was excited, but I was also scared.

MetaFit is a tough class. I find it quite challenging, but that wasn't why I was feeling scared.

I was scared I wouldn't fit in. I pictured myself entering the training studio filled with all these super fit and skinny people and there I would be - still the fat one.

I'm confident in my abilities. I know I give it my all. I know that I work well training other people ... but still, first impressions are not easy to break through. I know that when people look at me they don't see a strong, fit person ... it's frustrating, it's annoying, it's sad.

Still, I knew that I couldn't let these thoughts overwhelm me. I was determined not to let what I was ASSUMING others MIGHT think of me get in the way of having a good experience.

So, come Wednesday morning, I prepared a yummy chicken and avocado salad, put it in my already prepared gym bag and hopped on the tube to head down to the training studio. An hour or so later, I arrived.

I arrived first and I sat at the second of four tables. Two other people arrived a few minutes after me - one sat at the first table and the other sat at the third ... I guess this is the sociologist in me noticing this dynamic. Even though there were 4 chairs around each table, we each chose to sit in one on our own. Since I didn't want to sit and wait in silence, I went ahead and introduced myself. The chit chat started, a bit slow at first, but then it picked up ... and more people came so there was more chit chat --- by the time we were ready to begin, things felt good.

Not everybody had done a MetaFit workout before. There were a lot of big, buff guys who had come. They were personal trainers at different gyms, and they were sent by their gym to do the course. One guy I was talking to told me that he basically only did strength training and hadn't done any cardio in a long time.

We all got ready for the workout. There were 3 staggered lines. I tried not to pay attention to body sizes, but it was hard for me not to noticed that I looked like one of the chubbier people there. Still ... it was what it was ... besides, the true test was coming with the workout.

It was a 17 min HIIT workout with lots of jumps, sprints, push ups, and burpee style exercises ... It was interesting to see how people were barely able to move by the end of the workout. Of course even I was near collapse, but I kept going. Those big guys who started with plyometric push ups and crazy jumps were just about crawling towards the end.

Although I was absolutely exhausted, I was happy with my performance. It also definitely showed that those people who looked like fitness models didn't necessarily equate to them being the best at the exercise.

My confidence was definitely restored more after that. I had to keep reminding myself that I worked to get to where I was. I studied. I worked hard. Most importantly, I believed in what I was doing. I was still on a mission to lose weight -- I knew the struggle to get to where I am and I know that I'm still going to have to work bloody hard to get to my goal. I think this actually puts me at a much bigger advantage to those who have no idea what it's like to be unfit, overweight, and full of self-loating and low self-esteem. I had hit rock bottom ... and now I'm working on climbing to the top.

The rest of the course was great - theory, teaching techniques, group work ... I didn't let any voices of doubt creep into my head. It was an important experience for me -- not just the physical training but also the emotional/mental experience.

By the end of the course, I felt like I had a good grasp of how to approach the class. I enjoyed the group that I worked with, and I went home feeling happy and satisfied ... and then later that evening very, very sore.

So now, I'm a MetaFit Coach! I have to work on a few academic tasks before I really pursue anything with coaching, but I'm glad I went through the certification. It was a great experience!

MetaFit Coaches -- Training in London

September - Facing the Challenges

Ever since I moved to London the end of May, things have been crazy hectic. Aside from having to deal with everything related moving countries (we all know how stressful any sort of moving can be, right?), I've also been traveling - both within England and abroad - and most importantly, I've been really distracted and worried about my brother.

Things just haven't felt right. I returned from Bangkok with such mixed feelings - happy to be back, sad to leave my family, very anxious and worried about my brother. Emotionally, it's all felt like a bit too much. I want to get into a routine here, but what I really, really want is my brother to have a full recovery. I have a hard time being ok with carrying on when I know that he is struggling.

I think not working at the moment also has to do with my lack of focus. I've got plenty of academic tasks that I need to work on so it's not like I don't have work to do … but not having to report to an office is strange. I'm glad I have the time for my research and writing -- but I guess it will take me a bit of time to get used to the idea that after 16 years of teaching, I won't be in a classroom.

It's because of these mental distractions that I know that having a routine and some sort of structure is so important for me. I was so happy on Friday when I discovered the nearby martial arts place. I looked at the class schedules of that plus my BJJ training and set my schedule, along with all the other stuff I have to do.

On Sunday, I hit the weights for the first time since returning from Bangkok. Of course it was tempting to wait for Monday, September 1st (just for the even-ness of it all) but I also knew that it was important for me to just start and not get caught up with doing things on a particular day/date. My new routine is based on building strength - so fewer sets/reps but heavier weights. It's an 8 week lifting program (I hope I can finish it in 8) combined with HIIT training -- in addition to the martial arts stuff of course.

My session went really well. The last couple of reps on the last set of pretty much each exercise were challenging, so I knew I was pushing myself. I am hoping that this regime will help me get back to my CrossFit strength.

Weight training was followed by a killer MetaFit class -- I love how these bodyweight exercises really challenge you! It just goes to show how much work there is to do with basic exercises such as push ups and mountain climbers.

I planned my menu for the week, went grocery shopping, and then started my veggie and food prep. I grilled turkey and chicken, chopped vegetables, roasted vegetables … everything was falling into place.

The next thing to do was prepare for my first Muay Thai workout which started at 6:30 a.m. on Monday morning --- oh, and since it was going to be my first solo drive in London (driving on the 'other' side of the road), D and I even did a trial run of me driving to the martial arts school and back home so that I would be less nervous in the morning.

I excitedly dusted off my gloves and shin guards. I had my wraps, my jump rope, and all my other gear ready to go. Just as I hung up my workout clothes, I got a notification on my phone --- they've canceled the Monday morning Muay Thai classes.

I felt like I had hit a brick wall.

Everything came tumbling down from there. Emotionally I fell into such a deep hole, I can't explain. I wanted to cry. I really did.

I can't explain how much I was looking forward to the Muay Thai class. Aside from actually practicing something I love, I knew that it would have been a great stress reliever. I have been so desperate to get back into training … ugh.

Heart break.

I wallowed for the rest of the evening. I grumbled to myself for a while, feeling like everything was against me - what's the point  of moving forward if I keep getting struck with obstacles etc. etc. etc. All of a sudden I went from having a plan for my day to not having a plan at all. Would I go to the gym and do another lifting session, would I rest, would I even attempt another morning Muay Thai class (on Fridays), would just that one class be worth paying the fee for the month? So many bloody questions.

Before I went to bed, I decided that I would wake up at 5:30 anyway. Sure I didn't have a class to go to or a job to go to … but I had work to do and I needed a routine. A good routine for me involves an early morning start.

It's unfortunate that I had such a restless night of sleep. I don't think I got more than 3 hours of solid sleep. After that I was waking up several times every hour.

Still, I got up at 5:30 and started my morning routine. Even though I didn't have a class to go to, I did have a lot of things to do. I still wasn't feeling that great - my mood was just off. I didn't feel like doing anything. The gloomy skies and constant rain didn't help.

It wasn't until 3:30 p.m. that I actually made it to the gym. I had a really good 55 minute cardio session. It had been a long time since I just zoned out on the treadmill. I had not intended on jogging but whenever the tempo picked up on my iPod, so did my pace. I'm pleased I was able to jog for several minutes at a time throughout the time I was on the treadmill. I followed that with some stretching and then headed home.

I'd love to say that my mood has lifted since my workout, but it hasn't. I'll be alright -- today was just one of those days that I had to power through.

Here's my plan for September:

Mind	Academic
	Complete chapter for book submission Complete QR article Finish breaking down thesis
	Non- Academic
	Read for fun – whether it’s catching up on some magazines or a book
Body	Fitness
	12 weight lifting sessions 65,000 steps per week 2 HIIT sessions per week 4 BJJ sessions a week Minimum training: 27 workouts
	Food
	Clean up eating and prepare for the WLC (starting Sep. 13) Follow Whole Life Challenge Guidelines Drink 3 L of water a day
Soul	Daily Yoga
	Minimum of 15 minutes each day to mediate, center myself, and stretch 2 1-hour sessions a week
Life	Main Errands
	Put up shelving Sort through stairwell closet Start sorting out the storage unit

There will always be challenges -- it's time to rise up and face them! 

Here's to a great September! 

Wondering About Chocolate

I don't know what happened to me yesterday, but all I wanted was chocolate. I'm not talking about wanting a tiny piece of just a taste of chocolate. No, I wanted full on chocolate - big amounts and large satisfying chunks.

I can't believe how antsy and restless that craving made me. I was grumpy and annoyed that I didn't have any. My mind kept racing about how I could get my hands on chocolate. It was pouring down with rain all day yesterday so I wasn't about to get out of the house just to buy chocolate. I couldn't just order from a delivery restaurant and have them only bring me chocolate.

Instead of seeing it as a sign, I just saw it as things being stacked up against me.

What in the world?

The only chocolate that was in the house was Bendicks mint chocolates, which is basically an after dinner mint with a thin layer of dark chocolate around it - so little chocolate that it barely makes a difference.

I skipped dinner and 4 of those instead (200 calories).

Today's reflection about my mad craving has nothing to do with the calories/sugar/fat of chocolate. It has to do with figuring out what triggered such an insane craving.

I haven't put my finger on it yet. I wonder if it was just a bad combination of being hungry, lazy, and bored?

The good thing is, not having any proper chocolate, or anything sweet really, in the house helped me avoid a massive binge.

It worries me that I still have these uncontrollable cravings where I just want to stuff my face and to hell with the consequences.

It worries me that I can even say 'to hell with the consequences' which is exactly what I was thinking yesterday.

I wonder if it was because I couldn't have any chocolate that it intensified the desire.

So many things to wonder about.

My biggest downfall to date is still my sweet tooth. Even though I know how bad sugar is for you, the logic hasn't been enough to curb the cravings.

My discipline of not buying sweets for the house is what has saved me from gorging in sweets so far.

I'm just wondering when my thoughts will catch up to my behaviors.

This change sure does come slowly ...

Planning vs. Obsessing

Ok. My planning has taken over my life. Even I have started to look at it as obsessing. I'm sitting down planning my meals with calculators and charts.

I know what this is. This is my old OCD coming back in a different form. Before it was clean/organize to the minute details whenever I felt like I was not in control of my life. Seeing things that I could control take shape made me feel better (except for the side effects of the emotional eating that went alongside the OCD).

As I mentioned yesterday, my lack of structure is really throwing me off. Even when I've got a schedule, there are no real repercussions for me not doing something. I could sleep all day really -- but I'm not the type to sleep all day. If I'm tired, I'll sleep or take a nap, but you'll never find me lazing in bed unless I'm not feeling well.

So, I'm giving myself until Monday to finish this obsessing and then I will actually start implementing my plan. This doesn't mean that I'm off track now. I'm not sitting at home eating fried chicken and guzzling beer. I'm just a bit disorganized at the moment. I'm doing unhealthy things with healthy foods e.g. having a date or two instead of a meal or eating while standing or adding honey to my tea to satisfy my sweet tooth when I've never done that before!

I need to stop this. Just because something is a healthier option, in a natural state, or 'allowed' on some list doesn't mean that I should just mindlessly munch. No - I need to get back to being more mindful.

Crash

On Friday night, I had my first real car accident. I had been in accidents before, but all of them were minor and I was the one who was hit (most often while I was waiting at a stop sign/traffic light or stuck in a traffic jam. This is the first time that I collided with another car.

It was scary to say the least.

Thankfully everyone was fine; waiting for the police and having the paperwork for the insurance done wasn't too painful. There is damage to each of our cars (hers more than mine, after all, I drive a Hummer), but it's not too bad at all.

The only thing that has been lingering for me is the sound of the crash. I just can't get it out of my head. It's been haunting me as I've been driving. Plus, I'm hesitant on the road now. Normally I'm a confident (and I believe very good) driver. Now, I'm extra cautious -- which isn't a bad thing. I just wish it wasn't fear that was behind the cautiousness.

Although I am still quite distressed over the whole incident, I have to remind myself that everything is ok. Nothing terrible happened. The most important thing is that everyone is fine.

I'm trying not to let my thoughts spiral out of control with 'what if' scenarios. The incident is over. The 'what ifs' didn't happen nor are they going to happen.

It's over. We're all fine.

Onward and upward, right?

When I Can

As much as I have wanted to blog daily, for the past few months I just haven't been able to. Things have been busy. It's not just work, it's everything. There have been a couple of stressful family things that have been looming over my head since November and I don't seem to have been able to move past them. It's a waiting game -- and waiting makes me anxious.

Anxiety makes me lose sleep (more like restless sleep - waking up several times during the night) and feel like I can't breathe.
Restless sleep and that type of stress makes me feel fidgety all day.

It's not a good cycle.

The Whole Life Challenge has been great in helping me stay on track with my food and exercise, but even though I have been working out daily and eating right, my weight has stayed the same. I don't know if it is because of the stress or the tense sleep that my body is not reacting the way it should be (at least they way I think it should be reacting).

In any case -- I'm doing what I can, when I can.

I'm loving the fact that I can hit the gym early in the morning again. Since I don't teach until later in the morning, I can be at the gym by 6:45 am and get in a nice 2 hour workout before going to work. I've also been going to my Kajukenbo training, so my workouts have really been making me feel good, even though I am desperate to pick up some weights!

Since I wanted to work on my running/sprint work on some mornings, I decided to restart C25K. I had made such good progress with the program and then I stopped a week before completing it - such a shame! In any case, I'm starting from Day 1 again and during the run portions I'm running faster than I had before, and including 20-30 second sprints in some segments. It's been tough, but it feels so good once I'm done!

Frustrated

I don't know where the days are going. I seem to be doing something every minute of the day. I was hoping that this semester would be easy, especially given that I've taught this course for years and last year my lesson plans/power point slides were really good. However, I found out last week that the book that we're using has been changed -- that means that all my plans from last year are useless. I mean, a few things are salvageable, but it still means putting in several hours a week preparing for class.

Last week I got back to my Kajukenbo training. That felt really good. The class is full of new faces - all new to the class. This whole week I was the only yellow belt that showed up, so I was used a number of times to demonstrate some of the moves. There are a few things that I'm good at and others that I struggle with. Thursdays class involved kicks -- my kicking sucks. I just have no power behind my kicks. I left class with tears in my eyes, totally dissatisfied with how I performed in class. Even my coach's words of encouragement didn't lift my mood. I know I'm hard on myself -- I get frustrated. What can I say?

On Wednesday I started my morning gym routine. I'd like to hit the gym 4 times a week plus do my Kajukenbo 3 times a week. I still have my Brazilian Jiujitsu training to work into the mix - I haven't been able to do that so far. However, I'm meeting with my coach next week and we'll see what can be arranged.

It felt great to get back to the gym albeit still very frustrating because I can't use my arms/upper body. On Wednesday I focused on legs (what else could I do?). I really pushed myself and I was pleased with how my workout went.

However, when I woke up on Thursday, I could barely walk. Every step was painful (the good, but torturous kind of pain). I got myself to the gym and got on the treadmill. Somehow I managed to push out an HIIT workout. It's been a long time since I've sprinted. Given how sore my legs were, I don't know how I stayed on the treadmill. After that I decided to do some core work - plank, crunches, reverse curls etc.

Again, I'm frustrated because although there are lots of exercises I can do without my arms, I feel like it's a bit of overkill on my legs. I know that I'm just getting back into the routine, so initial soreness is to be expected, but what about later? Suppose I still can't use my arms for another month? How much leg work can I do while still being effective?

That night at Kajukenbo, as luck would have it, we ran, worked on sprints, and did all sorts of leg exercises plus focused on kicks.

Seriously?

It was hard enough going down the stairs to get to class, but then to focus on legs? It was tough. Really tough.

I know that added to my disappointing performance. However, I don't want to make excuses. I don't want to say that my kicks sucked because I was sore. I need to find a way to get past this.

I need to find a way to schedule my workouts so I'm not exhausted and that I can give 100% in whatever I'm doing. I haven't figured out how to do this yet.

To help me get over my frustration about class, my brother was kind enough to be my tackling dummy this weekend. I feel much better now that I've put in a few more hours of practice. I still have so much further to go though. It's ok - I just have to keep at it.

Thinking About My Trip

I'm a bit stressed over my upcoming trip. I think it's partly because I'm not even close to getting over my jet lag from returning from the States. Being sleep deprived in out of sync from any type of routine has me in a funk. Add to that my car being in the garage, the gloomy weather with a downpour of rain, terrible crams, my cough, and my injured wrist - to say that I'm grumpy is an understatement!

Shopping in preparation to travel to Bangladesh is always a bit challenging. People have requests for things that they'd like me to bring. I don't mind, but I asked them to let me know 2 weeks ago. I know that I'll get requests until the last minute. I know I can only do so much, but there's always the risk of offending someone if you don't cater to their wishes.

All I want to do is spend time with my parents and my grandmother. I'll be seeing them after 18 months -- plus this is the first trip after my aunt passed away. There are so many emotions that I'm feeling in relation to that. The fact that she's not there still seems surreal to me. I don't fully believe it. I think that I'm afraid that going there and not seeing her around the house and not hearing her voice or seeing her smile will devastate me. I don't want to go through it. In this case, ignorance is bliss.

All these feelings and thoughts directly manifest themselves in once again having a negative self-image. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I look like myself. I just want to jump out of my skin. I'm trying hard not to spit out negative comments about myself when I look in the mirror. I'm trying to tell myself to get a grip; I've moved past this way of thinking; I know better.

Yet I feel part of myself spiraling out of control. I'm nitpicking on little things that annoy me -- why didn't X return my call? Why didn't Y respond to my email? Why did Z forget to do the one thing I asked to be done?

It's be cause I'm ---- insert whatever negative thought you can think of.

Aaarrrgh!

I'm driving myself crazy.

I guess the fact that the other half of myself is trying to reign it all in and stay calm and collected is a good thing. I'm not bingeing on foods; I'm not taking any self-destructive actions -- I'm slowly treading on. Bit by bit. Step by step.

Earning my Yellow Belt

On Sunday November 10, 2013, I tested for my Kajukenbo yellow belt.

I had been preparing for this for a while, but after our break from training in October (when I believed I was ready to test), I felt nervous. I had been practicing, but I wondered, was I ready? I knew what I had to do, but would I be able to perform? All the doubts that I mentioned in my post 'Use it or Lose it' earlier this month came to mind again.

I was told on Tuesday the week before that I would be tested on the 10th. After that, the nerves really started to set in. Again, I knew that I was physically ready, but mentally ... well, that's where I was really tested.

I few weeks ago I wrote a post about why I decided to train in martial arts. Although I was interested in the physical challenge, what I really wanted out of my training was a development of my mental strength.

I wanted to be able to face my fears.
I wanted to be able to believe in myself enough to know that I could defend myself -- that I would fight for my life.

A few months ago when we practiced our first 'surprise attack', I practically collapsed. I panicked inside so much that I just didn't have the will to fight. I was ready to give in. (My full post about my experience is here.)

Slowly through training and a lot of self-analysis and self-discovery, I found a different type of strength and confidence. (See posts: 'Fighting it Out' & 'Why Fight').

Getting back to the test:

Stilling my mind before the test was SO difficult. I tried to relax my breathing. I tried to focus on the fact that I physically knew what to do - so there was no logical reason for me not to do well. My mind was filled with so many thoughts, my heart was pounding, my stomach was feeling queasy.

However, when I stood up to start, I was ready.

I just went into another zone and I got to it.

Fitness drills, Kajukenbo exercise/form drills - one after another, again and again.

To help me practice my actual self-defense techniques, 3 yellow belts from the men's team came (I am so thankful that they came to help me with my test). They would throw certain punches, and I was supposed to fight back -- and by fight back I don't mean mock punches. I mean really punch them, strike them, kick them, and take them down.

Having that authenticity really helped me because I could really go for it. It was then that I realized how much more of a reflex it was becoming versus movements that I had to stop and think about. That really felt like an accomplishment.

The real test for me started when we did the back grabs ... and then the dreaded surprise attack.

What I told myself was -- focus on what you know, not on what you don't know.

You know how to react.
You know what to do.
You know your body.
You need to stay in control.

It wasn't about an unknown person coming from an unknown area at an unknown time.

Focusing on my strengths is what helped me go through.

The surprise attacks were harsh. The guys did not go easy on me, but I fought back.

It was after that segment of the test that I felt really happy.
At that point I felt like regardless of the belt, I had achieved something great.

Going from not being able to even believe I was worthy enough to defend myself to actually doing it with conviction --- that was priceless to me.

I barely remember anything else.

However, I do know that when my coach told me that he believed I really earned my belt, I felt proud, and I felt like, 'Yes, I have earned this.' 

It was really something.

Now -- on to working towards the purple belt!

Taking off my white belt for the last time, wiping the sweat of my hard work on my belt, and doing my final salute

My coach retiring the white belt; blessing the yellow belt; putting the yellow belt on me --- 

it's official :)

I have a yellow belt in Kajukenbo!

HIIT with Ray Elbe

I've been going to a Brazilian Jiujitsu class run by MMA fighter Ray Elbe. In addition to Jiujitsu, he runs a combat fitness class for women on Fridays. 

Yesterday, I decided to check it out. 

Mind Games

I really enjoy trying new things, especially when it comes to different exercise classes. However, just because I enjoy it, doesn't mean I don't feel nervous before trying something new out. I feel apprehensive about my performance. I wonder what the other people in the class are going to be like. I wonder whether or not I'll be able to do the exercises. Worst of all, I feel really self-conscious. 

It always feels like no matter what I do or how much I work, I end up being the biggest one in class. After losing 33 kg (72 lbs) and still being the heaviest girl in class -- trust me, it's a hard pill to swallow. I feel like I always look like the girl who doesn't try or the girl who doesn't really care about being healthy or fit. It's tough. Getting over that mental hurdle and actually going is a huge battle that I continue to struggle with. 

Still, I show up.  I really don't know what it is in me that actually gets me through the door. I surprise myself each time I go. Even though I can't pinpoint what it is that drives me, I hope it never disappears and that I continue to show up and try regardless of my fears. 

Physical Fatigue!

There were 5 girls (including me) in the class (and yes, I was the heaviest one). It was basically an HIIT circuit training class - 4 groups of 4 exercises each; we did each exercise for 30 seconds, and 2 rounds of each exercises. So each exercise group would last for 4 minutes. 

Doing 4 minutes of exercise sounds easy, right? Ya right! He really pushed us to give it our all for those 4 minutes. No rest between each 30-second round, just go go go! Rounds 1 and 2 were fine -- then we got to round 3. By the end of that round, I was exhausted! I had to really dig to get through that last round. It was tough. Not only was I tired, but I found those exercises the most physically challenging. 

For me, what helped most was when he kept saying - It's a mental challenge, not a physical one.

This is something that I've seen over and over again. I know it's in my mind -- finding the strength to push through that is tough! I kept hearing his voice saying, don't stop. Don't stop. Don't stop, and I kept trying to stay in the zone and push through. 

In the end, I did the whole circuit. I didn't stop. I didn't give up, and I sure as hell didn't let the fact that I was the heaviest one there interfere with my enthusiasm and determination to make the most of the class. 

Learning to Push Through & Facing Fears

HIIT workouts are so exhausting! Who would have thought that 16 minutes of exercise could leave you so spent. Well, I know through our CrossFit WODs that the duration of the exercise doesn't matter as much as how intensely you perform each exercise. 

What was really great about this circuit was that it was all using body weight. We didn't need much space or any equipment. It just goes to show how you can always get in a good workout at home. You've just got to push yourself. That's definitely where having a trainer, plus a group of others, comes in handy. I know having Ray constantly pushing us to keep moving and keep going faster helped me keep moving and really trying. 

I know that the progress that I have made in the past year and a half with fitness has resulted in facing my fears. The whole task of just showing up to try something new is an example of that. I feel scared. Even now as I type this my heartbeat is quickening a bit because it is frightening. 

The thing is, you really don't know how much you can accomplish until you try. You've got to just somehow find that belief in yourself and go for it. You can tell that I still have hesitations and doubt. A lot of times that belief in myself isn't there - but I'm determined to at least fake it till I make it. 

I know that the only way I'll improve is if I keep showing up and keep trying. I need to remember that it doesn't matter what others are doing, saying, or thinking. What matters is that I keep showing up and giving it my all. Slowly but surely, the results of my efforts will show. 

Fighting it Out

I seem to be teetering between being courageous and feeling apprehensive about being courageous. I think the bottom line is that I know I want to be, and so I'm going to keep working towards that.

This mental flip-flop that I've been going through as well as my search for resolve have both reminded me at how much effort - constant vigilance - is required in this quest to get healthy. There is so much more than just the physical weight loss that I need to tackle. However, it is getting better.

I had an a-ha moment a week or so ago that I didn't write about because it didn't really have to do with physical fitness. However, I realize that it did have to do with being healthy - mentally healthy. I was caught in one of those situations where one of my friends said something to me that caught me off guard. It wasn't negative towards me, but it was something this person had kept hidden from me (there's way too much back story to get into right now, so a piecemeal summary will have to do for now). My first instinct was to Binge on Negative Thoughts (something I wrote about back in April).

However, I quickly stopped myself and said - No. This person did not say/do X to you because you're overweight or because you have no value. This person said/did this because that's the kind of person THEY are. They are the kind of person that feels the need to be shady, sneaky, evasive, or unmindful of my thoughts/feelings/time. It has nothing to do with me.

I don't like that my first reaction is still one that is negative, but it is something that I'm working on. Plus I'm not saying that this person/these people are bad; their priorities and focus are just in a different place. It has nothing to do with me.

Today was Day 1 of a Kajukenbo seminar series that is being held here in Kuwait. It was a really great experience for me, especially given all the things that I've recently been going through. We went over a few self-defense tactics during the seminar. One thing Grand Master Janice Somera said really resonated with me - it was about believing in yourself and believing that you are worth defending.

I remember not so long ago, I definitely didn't believe that. I had to chip away at that negative thought bit by bit. It sure didn't come naturally. On most days I lived on the 'fake it till you make it' mantra. Slowly, as I set goals and accomplished them, I started to believe in myself more.

I still get a bit shaky. I still look around for approval - from friends, from coaches, from everyone really. I still feel like I'm on the outside of the fitness world, even though I know I've accomplished so much (again, it has to do with reactions/actions/statements of others). It's ok though. Coming to terms with all of these things is part of the process.

So, I'm still working around all these thoughts. I imagine that this will go on for a while as there is not simple solution. The important thing is not to give up -- to keep moving forward and fight it out.