Mental Distractions

I find that I have to mentally prepare quite a bit before my CrossFit sessions. I'm always excited about each class, but I also feel intimidated. Voices of self-doubt and insecurity take over my mind - will I be able to do it? Suppose I can't? What if they have an exercise that I'll completely fail at?

I am aware of these distracting and detrimental voices. Today I tried my best to push them out of my head. I kept telling myself - You can do it. Just give it your best.

I also tried to challenge myself - If there are burpees, don't think about it. Just go. Just do it. They're not impossible. The fatigue is just in your mind.

Actually I find my mind to be fatiguing!

I missed the last two CrossFit sessions and I'll be missing several more while I'm away. I think that anticipation - of not being prepared/not practicing enough - was also weighing on my mind. Why is it that I try to bring myself down before I've actually tried? Why do I assume that I'll fail? I thought my self-confidence had improved ... apparently not.

I have a routine for Saturdays now - Our CrossFit session is at 3:30. I have a big breakfast @ 8 a.m. (egg white omelet with veggies) followed by a cup of coffee @ 10 a.m. I then have a banana around 1 p.m. and 2 dates just before I head out the door (though I forgot them today). [Actually, the fact that I forgot them also sent a nagging thought to my mind - you didn't have your dates; you may not have enough energy today. -- Damn, I really know how to psych myself out! How irritating!] After CrossFit I have a protein shake, followed by dinner some time between 7:30 & 8:00 p.m.

The plan is set. It works.
Not having to think about my routine means that I have more time to focus on thinking positively about my performance during training.

I got there a bit early today, and one of the other members of the team was doing a workout. It took my breath away. She was jumping rope, doing step ups, walking with weights, doing burpees + sprinting. I was in awe. I was inspired, but unfortunately, my negative self also said - you'll never be able to do that.

Why do I do that to myself? I know that I am not at that level yet ... but with practice and dedication, I can get there. I know I can. Yet I bring myself down with these negative thoughts. What's more annoying is that I know that these thoughts are bad, yet I can't control them. I guess I just need to try harder.

Anyway. I think having all these thoughts on my mind really got in the way of my performance. Actually, even if I did well I don't think my mind is ready to give a compliment. All I remember is that I was exhausted. I felt drained. I kept telling myself to FOCUS, but I also kept getting distracted.

I don't want to make excuses for why these distractions occur, though I know I could give you at least 12 off the top of my head.

Our WOD was AMRAP in 15 min:
15 clean pulls (used a 20 kg plate)
5 burpees (w/no push up)
10 dead lifts (did 50 kg for the first time; I lifted 40 kg the last time we had it for our WOD)
5 burpees (w/no push up)
10 hand release push ups
5 burpees (w/no push up)

I managed to complete 4 1/2 rounds. I don't know how the others did ... all I had in my mind was - damn, it was tough. I should have been able to push through more. It upsets me that I wasn't happy with my performance - that means I let my mental distractions take over. I've really got to get a grip.

Some people may say, well, at least you went and you tried ... but honestly, that's not good enough. I want to do more. I need to make sure my actions follow my desires.

Our challenge workout at the end was to hold plank pose for as long as possible. I know that I have no ab strength. It definitely hasn't been the same since the surgery. Basic moves that I could do before are more difficult now. That's when flashes of 'The Last Rant' come back in full force. Will I ever get over it? I guess the thoughts are at the front of my mind right now as I've started researching specialist surgeons in the UK and the States to see if this problem can be resolved -- we'll see.

In any case, all these thoughts just remind me how losing weight and getting healthy does not rely on just one factor. You need the desire, dedication, discipline, and drive to get your workouts in, eat right, stay mentally and emotionally focused. These are all important components. These are all things that I want to/need to improve on. I guess on days when I'm feeling mentally distracted I feel like everything else comes crashing down. I guess I should be thankful that I don't let my emotional distress keep me away from the gym, and I'm even more thankful that I don't binge eat anymore! So, I guess I'm making some positive strides. I'm going to try and continue to be positive and take obstacles as learning experiences rather than signs of failure. I really feel like once I can overcome and eliminate these mental distractions, I'll be able to take it to a whole other level. That has to be my focus from now on.

I have to keep working on this cycle -- and hope that I can reach that central goal.

Getting it Right

You'd think that after trying to lose weight for several years now that I would have gotten it right by now. I mean, weight loss really boils down to two things: eat less and move more. That's it.

Why is such a simple concept so difficult to follow? I know I try, but ... well, anything else I write from here on out will just be a list of excuses. So for now, let's just leave it at: I try.

Going through my wardrobe has been really good for me. First of all, being able to put so many clothes away to donate to charity (3 suitcases full plus 5 large bags and counting) has felt really good. Almost all the clothes that are in those bags are clothes that are too big for me. However, also among those clothes are items that I had bought ages ago that I had hoped I would have fit into by now -- I know, never a good shopping strategy, but I guess I was being optimistic.

I can't help but feel irritated that in the past two years I haven't managed to get to a point where I could fit into those clothes. It's not like I bought clothes that were unreasonably small. They were just a few dress sizes smaller than I was then ... but I'm still 1-2 dress sizes away. How frustrating and very, very depressing. I know the main thing about losing weight is to get healthy, but let's be real. A huge part of it is to look good too ... and I really don't like the way I look at all {a few months ago I would have written 'hate the way I look' but I'm making a bit of progress in lessening some of that self-hatred}. Part of me really wanted to hold on to those clothes but then I thought - it's been 2 years. It's time to let them go, and when it's time (and that time WILL come) I will buy new ones. Right now, somebody else can benefit from my wishful thinking. So ... there were definitely bouts of depression as I went through my wardrobe ... and then I got to the pair of trousers that I wore when I was at my heaviest. Four sizes bigger than I am now ... needless to say, they just slipped right off me.

That moment there is something that I need to remind myself of more often. I have a long way to go, but I have also worked hard to get to where I am right now.

The journey is far from over, but I'm still on it. I'm still determined. I haven't gotten it right yet, but I am getting there. I'm definitely smarter than I was before, and I am more committed to completing this mission that I'm on.

This past week has been a tough one for me. The endless insomnia. The leg injury hence no workouts. The cramps and pain. All I wanted to do (and did several times throughout the week) was sit down and cry. Still, crying is a lot better than drowning my sorrows in a bucket of ice cream or a mouthful of donuts - none of that for me. I just settled for 0 calorie tears.

Tomorrow is the beginning of a new week. Things are not exactly the way I'd like them to be -- My leg is not 100% better but it definitely has improved. My wardrobe is not 100% sorted, but it's mighty close!My cramps are not totally gone, but then I don't know if they ever will be ... it's all part of life. I've just got to make the best of each situation and be thankful for all the things that I do have and all the things that are going right in my life.

So tomorrow is a new day. The journey continues. The effort continues. The mantra stays the same:

Body & Mind (cont.)

I woke up at 1:30 a.m. in excruciating pain. The cramps are getting worse each month. The painkillers I had taken at 8 p.m. hardly had an impact. For the first time, I had to get out of bed and get 2 more of a stronger dose. What is happening to me?

Of course there is still a constant battle in my mind - one part of me saying, it's ok. Hold on. This will only last for 3-4 days. The other part of me thinking, why the fuck should I have to deal with this? But then, when I think about having to go for more doctor's appointments, more surgery, and all that - I just can't take it. That's my overall feeling - I just can't take it.

I have so many other things to deal with as well.

I've really been struggling to find my foothold. Part of me doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Wouldn't it just be easier to just lie down and forget about it all? The other part of me, however, still wants to fight through this. Some tough decisions need to be made. Some big moves need to be played.

It's definitely hard to act 'normal' during times like these. In a way, I'm relieved that my leg hurts because not going to the gym means not running into people that I need to talk to. I can't stand most of my colleagues at work and the two that I do like know me, so even though I give a try to smile and say I'm fine, they know better, but it's all I can manage for now. I know holding it all in isn't good for me, but it's how I (try to) get through things.

I've decided to take until Sunday before I get back to the gym. My leg is finally starting to feel better. I don't want to rush getting back and risk a more serious injury. Besides, I've got so much else on my mind right now, I'm just not focused enough to lift any weights or do any classes. I know this will pass, so I'm just trying to be patient through it all.

Ups and Downs

My day started off early - took a friend to the airport at 6:15, then headed straight to the car wash (much, much needed after the mega sandstorm last week) and then headed home. I had a whole list of errands to do ... but then I thought, fuck it. I'm staying home.

I put on my music and that was it -- I was in another world. It's been so long since I just blasted my music and jammed. It was insanely cathartic. I would danced around more, but of course I had to watch my leg/hip/back (ya, I'm a bit of a mess at the moment), but still managed to get my groove on, and put a ton of stuff away. Last night I got a text message about a group that's collecting clothes etc. for the people in Syria - it came at a perfect time for me as all the stuff I've been putting aside from my big closet clean up has a good place to go.

Every once in a while I would go to my desk, grade a few papers, answer a few emails, comment on a few blogs, but then I'd be up again just dancing it off. As I said, insanely cathartic!

I was hoping that the high would last for a while -- but the stress and anxiety soon set in. Part of it had to do with going through my stuff. I'm such a sentimental person (and a pack rat) -- I opened a box that contained all sorts of memories - mainly good, but also several bittersweet. I hadn't looked at some of the things in years, but once in a while a rush of emotion would just come over me ... there were some times when it felt very overwhelming, but I pushed through the best I could.

Every once in a while the pain and nausea, particularly from my cramps, would also set in and I'd just want to lie down, but I pushed through that as well. Again -- pushing through. Will I get a chance to just take in all that the moment has to offer and exist?

As you can see, my mood significantly declined over the day. I definitely felt better as each box was empty and as the corners of my office slowly started to emerge ... but in the end it really was quite a tough day.

I'm on two different types of painkillers, perhaps that's also affecting me. It's definitely something that I wanted to avoid, but I just couldn't take it anymore. Still, the pills are only helping me get through the day (and hopefully the night) - I need something that'll help me ease my mind as well.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall ...

This week’s FMM question was quite a deep one. Kenlie asks Was there a defining moment in which you realized that you needed to lose weight? If so, will you elaborate?

This question scares me - mostly because it requires taking an honest look at yourself. My answer to this question is not a simple one. At first I was just going to ignore it but the I thought, no, it’s time for me to get real. Plus, since I’m trying to start a theme of ‘Motivation Monday’ perhaps this is the perfect question for me to address …

I feel like I've been on this weight loss journey for so long (about 15 years) that I don't even remember exactly when or why I started. All I knew was other sources of finding happiness and acceptance were not working - especially when every time I looked in the mirror I just hated what I saw ... I have yet to overcome that, but at least I did reach a point where I thought even though my look was probably is a manifestation of my internal thoughts, at the very least I could start to work on changing myself externally to build enough confidence to confront my inner demons.

I have not been successful yet. I have lost over 20 kg (45 pounds) in the past year and a half … I’m using the past year and a half as my marking point because that is when I was the heaviest I had ever been – I’m furious at myself for letting myself get to that point. But I took that fury out at gym. I am pleased that I’ve lost weight, but to be honest, I have not yet managed to deal with those negative thoughts. I still hate looking at my reflection in the mirror. I still struggle to keep negative, self-deprecating thoughts out of my mind. One day I hope that I’ll be able to tackle these issues … in the meantime, I’ll be hitting the gym.