Exciting Changes

So many things have been going on lately that it's been quite tough to keep up, particularly with my blog. Here's a quick update:

Earning my Pink Belt
In addition to my Jiu-Jitsu training, I completed my Women Empowered training - which is the Gracie Academy's official self-defense program for women - and earned my pink belt! Although I've already earned my Blue Belt, doing this program and focusing on self-defense for women was really enlightening and empowering.

me and my pink belt

Women's Self-Defense Class
On April 10th I launched my women's self-defense class. It's an amazing curriculum that's based on the Grace Academy's Women Empowered curriculum - focusing on defenses to the 15 most common attacks on women. I had no idea how many people were going to show up for the first class or how it would go. I am super thrilled to say that it was awesome! We had 13 women on the mats, and everyone left full of enthusiasm and eagerness to continue with the program.

it's not just about learning defenses - it's about having the right mindset as well

our first class

Whole Life Challenge - Participant & Ambassador
Once again I'll be doing the Whole Life Challenge. I still swear by this challenge as it always helps me refocus and work on tweaking my routine in a supportive environment. Knowing that there are thousands of others around the world doing the same challenge, at the same time, as me really helps keep me motivated.

In addition to doing the WLC, I've actually been invited to be an ambassador for the challenge. This gets me more involved in the challenge itself as well as gives me an extra bit of motivation to really stay on track and be a good role model/motivator to my team members as well as everyone else who is out there trying to live a healthier lifestyle!

Want to know more about the challenge? Watch this: https://youtu.be/xbicemIo-Sk
Ready to join my team? Sign up via this link: http://www.whole.lc/wlcmay15/pt/plumpetals

Want to join but you're not 100% sure about paying -- I've got 2 FREE login codes ... write a comment below or send me an email (plumpetalsfit {at} gmail.com) and I'll get in touch with you with your code. The challenge starts on May 2nd, so don't wait too long!

Sweat Pink Ambassador
I received an unexpected email from the Sweat Pink team telling me that I had been chosen to be an ambassador. I'm thrilled to be part of this active community network! Check out more at Fit Approach.

Eating and Training
I've got to be honest here, my eating habits have been slipping a bit. My main meals have still been spot on, but I've snacked and it has not been good. It's another reason I'm really looking forward to having the structure of the Whole Life Challenge. I've started to detox off the caffeine and sugar (my biggest weaknesses) - slowly but surely. At least my water has been on point. I've been drinking 3 - 4 L of water a day - the warmer weather has definitely helped!

my favorite meal this past week: avocado, tomatoes, cilantro, and a poached egg over whole grain toast with a beet, carrot, apple, and ginger fresh juice -- delicious! I'm going to have to try it without the bread to make it WLC-compliant for the challenge

My training lately has involved outdoor cardio and Jiu-Jitsu. I haven't been to the gym for a weights session in a long time. I miss it, but right now this is what I'll be sticking to. We've been doing weapons defense in our Jiu-Jitsu class this month. It's been a blast -- as you can see, us girls have been taking it really seriously ;)

the Jiu-Jitsu version of Charlie's angels ;) 

A New House!
The final bit of news is that D and I closed on our new house this month!! It's the first time either of has ever owned property. We're looking forward to making it a happy, healthy home!

Living a Good Life

I've been distraught lately - I wish it was about something mundane or fixable, but it's a bit deeper than that. I've always been quite a sensitive person but more recently, with all the bad news around the world, my sensitivity has heightened and I've just felt quite overwhelmed by the state of our humanity - or lack of.

I know this sounds very existential and lofty, but it really has been having an impact on me -- I find it unfortunate that there are so many articles, blog posts, and videos urging people to be more accepting and kind to others. In 2015 do we really need to be told over and over again? How has our progress and advance in 'intelligence' and technology led is to a point where we are urging and pleading with people to be more understanding? It upsets me a great deal.

I started blogging as a way for me to track my progress with the hope that maybe it'll be interesting, informative, and even helpful to someone else along the way. It was with the hope of reaching other people and connecting with them - knowing that they are not alone in their struggles and worries - that I started sharing more personal details about myself and my struggles. It wasn't easy, but I felt it was important.

I feel like I have finally reached a point of balance in terms of my food and fitness. My eating and exercise are down to a routine. I know what works for me (my body, my metabolism, my lifestyle) and all I need is to be disciplined and focus so that I can continue to work towards reaching my ultimate goals. Since I have that part of my life sorted out, I think it's time to look at the bigger picture.

Teaching in general and now working with others to help improve their fitness and teaching the Bullyproof program to kids and Jiu-Jitsu, a form of self-defense, to adults, I have begun to see the bigger picture.

So much of what we teach the children is about confidence and standing up for themselves. More importantly, it's been about looking out for one another, being a good, kind person, and learning how to share and be accepting.

When I talk to kids about these concepts, they clearly know right from wrong. They lean towards kindness and acceptance, towards fun and laughter.

It makes me wonder - where along our journey towards adulthood do we forget these things?

I don't know what can be done on a large scale, but I truly believe that at the very least, we can do our own part to be good and spread goodness.

It is with all of this in mind that I am starting the next chapter in my story. Now that the healthy food and exercise habits are in place, I am focusing on improving my overall quality of life. This quality has nothing to do with materialistic things. Rather, it is about making the most of each day.

Much of this change already started for me when I moved to London. I knew that it would be a huge change for me - living a life so different from what I was used to. However, from the moment the move was decided, I also made a commitment to myself to be nothing but completely positive about the changes. While I won't deny that living in Kuwait was enjoyable, I can honestly say - I don't miss it. I am thankful that I had the opportunity to live in Kuwait … and now I'm thankful that I am living here.

Choosing to live in the now and be appreciative of all I have has kept my spirit light and happy. Instead of fretting about things I don't have anymore, I am thankful for all that I do have. Instead of living in the past, I am living in the moment. I still plan a bit for the future, but I have decided not to be anxious about it. I've tried the stressed/anxiety route. It didn't get me anywhere. The problems were still there.

Instead, I am focusing on living purely, enjoying every moment, and taking the time to live in the present. That doesn't mean I'm happy-go-lucky all the time. Trust me, I'm not. That's actually where the new challenge is going to be for me.

I don't want to let my emotions overwhelm me. Instead, I want to focus on more fundamental elements of living a good life - breathing deeply, watching my posture, smiling more, being more charitable, being kind, making decisions that I feel positive about, being brave, and so on. I feel like it's taken me a long time to come this this point in my life. I don't think I was ready for it before. I was too filled with anxiety and fear … but now I'm ready.

happy 

with hands up ready to tackle or embrace life - whatever the situation calls for

'Crazy' Tuesdays

The best part of getting to the end of a Tuesday is looking back on all that I accomplished through the day. Usually when people hear about my Tuesday workouts they are quick to criticize - but that's too much, you're overdoing it, you're crazy (I hate that the most).

It's just one day. It's one day in the week when it just so happens that the exercise classes I want to attend are going on ... so I go.

It's really not that bad:
7 a.m. Yoga - starting off the day with a good stretch (1 hour)
11 a.m. Weight lifting - this usually lasts 45 minutes; right now I'm doing 3 sets of 6 reps - I'm aiming to lift heavy with good form (and yesterday I ended my set of back squats at 80 kilos! I end my lifting session with a bit of light cardio - uphill walk or yesterday skip rope (around 20 min)
12:30 p.m. MetaFit - 30 minutes of HIIT -- this leaves me exhausted
7:30 p.m. Jiujitsu - 2 hours -- this would be extra exhausting if I was rolling the whole time, but a lot of this 2 hours involves instruction plus slow practice of the technique

So yes, it's a lot, but they all balance out. Plus I rest/recover between MetaFit and Jiujitsu -- and I don't have anything until Wednesday evening, so I get to rest then.

I actually don't really need to justify myself as to what I'm doing when. I just find it really annoying when people are quick to criticize, and it happens way too often. Ironically, it's the healthier habits that get criticized and not the bad ones.

Eat a whole pizza? No judgment.

Exercise for 4 hours in one day - holy shit, you're crazy. That must be terrible for you.

How has this happened? Forget about body image and body size -- just think about health. With the thousands and thousands of gyms around the world and endless health and fitness articles and weight loss aids out there, why are people still surprised when people take actions to get healthy?

I feel like people are still looking for a quick fix - I pill that will make it all go away. It just doesn't work that way. In the beginning, the change may be a little uncomfortable, but if you stick to it, it gets easier. You just have to want to do it ... and hopefully you can also find something you enjoy doing.

I don't mind getting up at 5:30 a.m. to make sure that a healthy lunch is packed.
I don't mind getting to the gym at 6:30 a.m. to get in an early workout, especially if I know I'll have a busy day and won't be able to squeeze it in otherwise.

I may feel a bit tired at first. I may have second thoughts about doing it, but I know that after it's done I feel so good ... and what's more, at the end of the day, when I look back on all that I've accomplished, I feel happy. Instead of feeling upset at the bad choices I made or regret that I didn't get a workout in, I feel fulfilled --- and who wouldn't want to feel good at the end of the day?

I wonder if all people who are persistent with their workouts and healthy habits are told that they are 'crazy'. Sometimes it feels like people don't want you to succeed - it's like they see the work you're putting in and the progress you're making, but instead of supporting you, they criticize. Is it because they need to also put some work in but can't be bothered? Are they envious? Why is praise so hard to give? Forget about praise - just refrain from criticizing. Is that so hard to do?

I wonder at what point you become admired for your dedication instead of criticized for it.

In the end, I really don't care. Life is too short to worry about these things. It does get to me sometimes, but I just have to remember that at the end of the day, it's my life ... and it's worth putting in the work in order to be happy.

Fully Aware -- 100 Days

We have 100 days left until the end of the year. Only 100 days! It seems like such a short time, but still significant enough to make positive differences before the year is out so that we can end 2014 and start 2015 feeling really good and successful about the days past.

I bought the book Zen in the Martial Arts by Joe Hyams a few weeks ago, but I only sat down to read it properly earlier this week. I finished in about 3 hours. It was great. Every concept that he was talking about in relation to his journey through martial arts was something I felt could be applied to every aspect in life, and especially to my practice in martial arts.

I want to share one particular quote that has stayed with me ever since I read it - said by Master Bong Soo Han:

"You must learn to live in the present," he said. "Not in the future or the past. zen teachers that life must be seized at the moment. By living in the present you are in full contact with yourself and your environment, your energy is not dissipated and is always available. In the present there are no regrets as there are in the past. By thinking of the future, you dilute the present. The time to live is now. As long as what you are doing at the moment is exactly what you are doing at that moment and nothing else, you are one with yourself and with what you are doing -- and that is Zen; while doing something you are doing it at the fullest." (Hyams, 1979: 27-28)

I often find myself being so busy that I multi-task. However, I've often realized that while multi-tasking can help sometimes, it can also distract me from doing a single task to the best of my ability or with all my concentration. I just get it done - without experiencing what it was about, without realizing the significance of what I have done. For me, with my endless list of things to do, I think that it is the only way I can really accomplish everything that I want to do. However, this quote made me take a moment to reflect on what I've been doing. Has the multi-tasking really been important, or is it a consequence of not being organized/disciplined? I'm not sure yet ...

What I am sure of is that life is short, and time is valuable. Marc posted a few videos over the past month about people in their 100s and what they felt was important in their lives -- health, doing what makes you happy, spending time with people you love ... these are the things that are really important.

Wouldn't it be lovely if we could just focus on those things and forget about commuting to work, doing errands, and all those chores?

The reality is that some of us have jobs that we don't enjoy. Some of us have lots of errands to do because there are many people depending on us. The reality is very different from the ideal/fantasy. However, that doesn't mean that we still can't make the most out of those things that we really do enjoy and make life worthwhile. I guess what I'm saying is that even if you can't be 100% present in every thing you do, try to be 100% present in at least the things that mean the most to you -- e.g. dinner time with the family is a TV-free, mobile-free, family only dinner time; replying to emails is only replying to emails, not also checking your messages, scrolling through Facebook, and chatting on the phone.

For these last 100 days of 2014 I'm going to try to set the tone for not only 2015 but for what I hope I can continue for the rest of my life. I'm not talking about making drastic changes. Rather, there are a few things that I want to get into the habit of doing.

Here are my top 10:
1. Watch my posture - As I sit at my desk or in front of the TV or even in my car, I tend to start off sitting straight and then slowly start to curve forward. No more. I want to make a conscious effort of at least trying to sit straight. Hopefully my continuous conscious effort will soon become an instinctive habit.

2. Breathe deeply and fully - When my anxiety was at it's highest and most frequent, I would often hold my breath and wait for the feeling to pass. That was definitely not a good idea. Even if I don't breathe fully and deeply all the time, I do want to be more aware of how I'm breathing and adjust it when necessary.

3. Say/Think something positive before complaining or saying something negative - It's too easy to get wrapped up in what went wrong or was difficult during the day. I think it's absolutely fine to vent to your partner/friend/blog, but before doing that, I think it's important to think of how fortunate we all really are. I saw this quote the other day: "If you have a family that loves you, food on the table, and a roof over your head, you are richer than you think." How true. Despite struggles, anxieties, and worries, there is so much to be thankful for. I think that when you are grateful, you are happy, and when you're happy, that spreads to others. The world could definitely use a lot more happiness!

4. Get back in touch - I need to spend some time reconnecting with some friends who really do mean a lot to me. It's easy to feel like you're in touch with people through social media, but there are a few people who I want to hear a bit more than a status update from. Skype and FaceTime have been so great to keep in touch with my family. I'd love to reconnect that way with a few of my friends too.

5. Wait 20 minutes before eating again - Sometimes after eating, I still feel hungry. However, I read somewhere that the mind takes about 20 minutes before registering the feeling of 'fullness'. I want to make sure I don't eat or drink anything, except for water, within the 20 minutes after eating a meal. I'm sure this will cut down on some mindless munching that always adds more calories to my day than I realize.

6. Monitor my water intake and drink 500 mL of water on an empty stomach - I used to be really good at this, but lately I've been slacking. My overall water intake is good, but I know that as it gets colder, I slack off a bit. This time, I want to make sure I don't slack off at all with my water (particularly because I have now moved to a colder country) and that I drink at least 500 mL each morning on an empty stomach.

7. Chew my food thoroughly - I'm a slow eater in general, but I think I could still stand to chew more thoroughly. I know that this will aid my digestion, but it is also about savoring the flavors and being in the moment. I spend so much time cooking, I really should spend a bit more time enjoying what I have taken time to prepare.

8. Say No to things I don't really want - Whether it's a social invite, something to eat, or an activity, if I don't want to do it, I want to be strong enough to say No thank you. This is difficult in the beginning, but I have found, particularly as I've adopted a healthier lifestyle, that it gets easier with practice. Too often I've felt 'guilted' into doing something/eating something/buying something that I didn't want. No more. I need to stand up for myself and for what I want. This doesn't mean being rude, but it does mean putting what I want first.

9. Do one thing at a time and focus on it - There's no point rushing. I will try to wait until I can really concentrate on what I'm doing instead of just bang something out. This may mean doing less during the day, but hopefully it will mean doing whatever I do well and in a purposeful, relaxed manner.

10. Mediate daily - I've been incorporating daily stretching into my routine for the past 2 weeks now. It feels great. For me, my meditation comes with my yoga practice. I love my yoga classes, but it's during my own sessions at home when I concentrate and meditate more since I am not following someone else's directions.

I'm hoping that by putting these 10 things into practice - which simply involve being aware of what I'm doing - I will feel like I am living more in the present and truly enjoying life.

Moment by Moment

I'm writing this post from Bangkok. I'm here to support my brother during his treatment/recovery. We received an initial diagnosis 2 days ago ... But there are more details to work out.

When I first heard the diagnosis, I immediately went online to start researching the condition -- but then I stopped. There was just too much info out there and I didn't have enough details to really know what I was looking for. There were good statistics and scary statistics -- I thought it was best to hold off on doing more research until I had more answers ... As of right now, we're still waiting.

It's been hard to stop my mind from wandering. For the past two days I've just concentrated on things one task at a time. Wake up. Work out. Errands. Pack. Cook. Eat. Sleep.

The fact that I'm here in Bangkok feels strange. I think it's because I'm not on vacation. People ask me - business or pleasure? Neither really.

It felt strange seeing my parents sitting outside the hospital waiting for me. The last time I saw them was when I dropped my brother off in Bangladesh for treatment -- and that was just a couple minutes of tearful hugs.

Now here we are.

I don't know what to make of all of this -- seeing my brother in a hospital bed; tubes attached to him; unable to move his legs -- though a tiny bit of sensation has started to come back.

We're all trying to be strong. Trying to stop our minds from wandering. Trying to take it one moment at a time.
L

Cycle of Positivity

Get into a healthy cycle!

Where did the Week Go?

I can't believe it's Friday already! I actually didn't realize what day it was until I read somebody else's blog with the same opening statement! I was like what?! How did that happen?

It has been a busy, busy week. A quick update:

1) Weight training: I only got 2 weight sessions in this week, but they were both really good. Ever since I came to London (and also during the time I was training on vacation), I've been rotating 3 weight lifting routines (5 different exercises in each routine, 10 reps each). I'm so happy to see progress! I have one more weight training session left of this program before I move on to something a bit different.

2) Cardio: My cardio has mainly been walking and circuit training through MetaFit class. I did a couple days of HIIT training on the treadmill, working in a few sprints, but it's still not easy on my knees. I so desperately want to run, but I keep getting knocked back. I think I need to continue to work on strength training and hopefully that will have a positive impact on my running.

3) Jiujitsu: I finally restarted jiujitsu training this week! I was so happy to get back into it, but not so thrilled to be training in a gi. I just don't find it comfortable. Still, the two sessions were really good. We worked on rear naked chokes and triangle chokes - some of my favorite moves :)

4) Weight Watchers: My first weight watchers weigh in was frustrating. I lost 1/2 kg. I wasn't surprised. I had 3 meals out during the week so I'm sure that didn't help. This week they started talking about pro points but it all sounds a bit complicated for me for where I'm at. I'm sticking to the simple start plan until I see a bit more movement with my weight.

5) My Food: The biggest effort I've made this past week as to cut down my dinner portions. Even though my dinners are clean and healthy, I know that I need to watch how much I'm eating. I've been doing that, but I've been going to bed hungry, and I really hate that feeling. Still, I survive through it. I'm going to keep at it for a while and see where it goes. The discipline has to pay off at some point.

6) Tracking: I wear my Fitbit to track my steps and I've been logging into My Fitness Pal for the past 2 weeks now. I don't rely on the numbers they give for calories burned during activities, but tracking food has been good. I've connected with a few people on My Fitness Pal -- if you're on it, do look me up! I find the extra connection helpful and motivating!

7) Update on my brother: He's still in hospital. There's still no confirmed diagnosis. Today, for the first time after his surgery last week, he was able to move his legs a bit (after an aggressive treatment with steroids). I'll be flying to Bangkok next week - I'm just too far away from my family during such a stressful time. Applying for my visa too huge chunks of time out of my days this week. It's always such a frustrating process. If you don't have to apply for visas to travel, count your blessings!!!

8) Final thoughts: I was so hoping to fall into a more normal routine starting August 1st. However, with my upcoming travel, it looks like that is not going to happen. I know that several blog posts ago I accepted the fact that my norm was to have a chaotic schedule, but still -- the lack of routine is so difficult to deal with. I'm trying to stay positive and keep working at it. Regardless of what's going on, the basics never change -- eat healthy and keep exercising.

Attitudes

I't s been one month since I've moved to the UK. The month has flown by and I can't recall a single day when I have not been busy. In terms of relocating to a new country, it has all gone quite well. It's been tedious, but thankfully there haven't been any major mishaps or problems -- it's just all been exhausting.

Last week I had movers bring some of my boxes and furniture from the storage unit to the house. I tell you, I am so tired of looking at boxes and dealing with trying to get rid of the packaging material. Then of course there's trying to figure out where to put stuff in the new house. It's coming together ... but boy has it been a lot of work.

Anyway.

I've survived my first month, and I am happy to say I have absolutely no regrets moving to London. It's so very different from Kuwait -- but I'm enjoying all the new changes.

I'm loving the fresh air, shopping for fresh protein and produce, and walking everywhere instead of always driving.

As I said, considering that I've moved to an entirely new continent/country/culture, it has all gone very well.

Celebrating my first month in England with a mini getaway to Oxford

One thing that I think has surprised a number of people - including myself - has been my attitude.

Despite the changes (and some of them have been big ones, particularly downsizing the house and simplifying our lifestyle to some extent), I've chosen to see only the positives. If I wanted to, I could spend each day lamenting over the things that I don't have anymore, the things that I'm not doing anymore, the people that I'm not seeing anymore ... it is so easy to get caught up in that type of cycle of negativity and depression. I think that if this move had happened 3 years ago, I would have been caught up in that kind of a funk.

I firmly believe that this positive attitude has transferred from the lessons I've learned in trying to live a healthier lifestyle.

Conceptually the general concept of living a healthy lifestyle is not difficult or complicated -- eat healthy food and exercise regularly.

However, to really succeed at it, you need to look at the details. You need to be patient through the trial and error process while figuring out what foods suit you best and what type of exercise will benefit you most. You need to accept the fact that you may be spending hours each week at the gym but the progress may not show until months later -- and despite that lack of instant gratification, you need to dig deep and believe that all the things you're doing will pay off in the end ... that what feels like a sacrifice now will be a rewarding experience later.

I feel like I have spent too many years of my life being sad, frustrated, and bitter (at myself, other people, the world). It was silly. However, I guess for my life experience, I had to go through that. I needed to go through the difficulties in order to find my strength ...

... and that really is the the biggest lesson/reward that has come through for me: the realization that I am strong - both physically and mentally. I still find it challenging to remember this, but having gone through so many different struggles in my life and surviving them, I know that I can get through anything. It may not be easy, it may not have a quick solution, but I have seen how dedication, patience, and hard work really does pay off.

It may seem like a silly correlation to make when I'm associating it with something as basic as moving house -- but I think that's the best part. I've learned such an important lesson and I can apply it to even the simplest thing. It really makes it all worthwhile.

I'm still working on myself. I'm still learning, still growing, still struggling ... the important thing right now is to continue to have a positive attitude and keep at working to reach my goals.

Stop the Freak Out

I've been meeting up with a few friends here and one question that they've all asked me is: Have you found a place to train yet?

The answer is No.

There is a small training place close to my house - it's got everything I need, a free weights area, some HIIT/CrossFit style classes, and a few cardio machines. It's conveniently located and it is affordable. Most likely I will be joining them very soon. The only reason I haven't done so is because I've been a bit disorganized with my time. The move has kept me very busy - and the furniture delivery has kept me relatively housebound. Still, things are falling into place so I really don't have an excuse not to join and start really burning those calories. All the walking has been great, and I totally see a difference in my legs, but I know the lack of resistance training and really pushing myself with regular intense workouts is having an impact on my overall flab factor! I need to change that.

One thing that I have noticed is that I haven't freaked out about not going to the gym. In the past I would be so obsessed with my schedule and making sure that all the timing and planning falls together perfectly that I would often overwhelm myself to the point where nothing really happened.

The biggest lesson that I learned with my fitness was just learning to let go. If you've been reading my blog for the past year or so, you know that there's been a lot going on. I've accepted that my life is chaotic and things always come up -- that is my norm. So, the only choice I have is to go with the flow. Accepting that reality has made such a big difference.

I've come to realize that being healthy doesn't depend on a certain time, place, or circumstance.

You're either making a healthy decision or you're not. The choice is mine and the consequences are mine. I understand and accept that the choices I make will have an impact on my health/my weight/my life.

The bottom line is that I will not freak out.

I am confident that I have developed a healthy lifestyle. I am ok in knowing that I still have work to do. I realize that I have to deal with life on a day to day basis. Taking it one step at a time has been so helpful. It keeps me from being overwhelmed and losing focus on the bigger picture.

Saying Goodbye and Saying Hello

The past few months have been a total blur. So much has been going on in my life, but I'm happy to say that it's all been going well.

After living in Kuwait for the past 14 years (and for 27 years in total), I finally packed up my bags for my big move to London.

Aside from being very stressful, hectic, and emotional, I ended my time in Kuwait on a high note -- here are a few pix of my last few weeks in the country I called 'home' for most of my life.

Emptying my gym locker and returning the keys felt so strange! 

My final workout at the gym -- I was still really sore from my last Kajukenbo class so I ended with 10 km on the cross trainer.

Saying goodbye to my Hummer was hard!! I loved every minute of driving it! 

I had a lovely farewell do at work -- can't believe I worked there for 14 years! 

Certificate of appreciation from Kuwait University

Lots of farewell gatherings -- I'm so happy that I'm smiling in these photos as they really were wonderful times. Many of these pictures were followed by hugs and tears, but it's all because of the great love I have for my friends. 

Now here I am in my new home -- Hello London!

Surreal

Wow. I don’t even know where to begin in terms of describing what I’ve been up to and how life has been for the past month.

The one word that I’ve been using most frequently to describe the events that have been going on in my life – SURREAL.

There has been SO much going on that it has felt impossible to keep up. I’ve literally just been putting one foot in front of the other and trying to move forward. I’ve definitely been in survival mode – just do what needs to be done. No time to overthink (which is a good thing), no time to get too emotional (though there have been many teary breakdowns), no time, no time, no time.

Yet, things are getting done. Somehow, I’m making progress with whatever task I’ve got to do for the day. I guess that’s the bottom line, isn’t it. You’ve just got to put your head down and get on with it.

I won’t spend much time dwelling on the past few weeks since so much of my efforts to lose weight and get healthy has to do with moving forward, so let me just give you the highlights and then move on:

What has Been Happening

•  Ever since I had my car accident, I haven’t felt like myself. All of a sudden I found myself unsure of things (particularly driving) that I have been doing naturally/without question for the past decade. I lost a lot of confidence. It really shook me up.
•  The lack of confidence wasn’t just on the road. It had an impact on everything, even in my martial arts training classes. I found myself hesitant and scared. It was terrible.
• The fear led to a huge emotional breakdown during one of my classes where I just couldn’t respond to an attack. That took me back to my breakdown last August – which made me feel like a total failure. I felt like I hadn’t progressed or achieved anything. I felt like I was a fraud. It was devastating.
• Somehow, despite that breakdown, I showed up to the next class (despite wanting to run away), and I trained. I knew that the only way to get past the incident was to show up and work on it. So I did – I’m happy I did, but it was tough.
• In my quick summary post a couple of weeks ago, I mentioned a family crisis and a impromptu trip to Bangladesh. Long story short – my brother suffered from some sort of viral attack that led to inflammation around his spine which caused a loss of sensation in his lower extremities (he wasn’t able to move either leg from the knee down – no walking, no standing, no control of movement). After a hellish day (which incidentally happened to be the day before my packers were coming to prepare everything for the cargo container) involving ambulances, hospitals, and an incredible amount of stress, taking my brother to Dhaka was the only option for proper treatment. We just weren’t making headway at all at the hospitals here in Kuwait. So, after the packers left the house with all the furniture, books, kitchenware etc. etc. boxed up, I got on a plane with my brother and flew to Bangladesh to drop him off with my parents and to receive treatment there. I was in Bangladesh for less than 40 minutes before getting back on the same flight and returning to Kuwait – to find the cargo people already working to put all the boxes etc. into the container.

Yes, it was surreal.

Update on my brother

• He’s improving.
• He couldn’t walk at all for about 10 days.
• He still does not have much sensation in his feet, but he is able to walk a very, very short distance with assistance.
• He’s got a long road to recovery.
• He’s going through both a physical and mental battle right now.
• It’s been a devastating and scary experience, but we’re all just thankful that he’s improving.

Life

• I leave for London in less than a month. My cargo is already on the way. Almost all my furniture has been sold. I’ve still got a room full of knickknacks that I need to take care of, but other than that, I should be good to go.
•  The packing process has been both stressful and cathartic. I really tried to get rid of as many things as possible (including over 100 pairs of shoes), but I know I still need to work on letting go.
• I will still be working until mid-May. The semester is winding down, but there’s still work to be done. I’m sure I’ll feel a lot more relaxed once that is over.
• Despite making progress with packing, errands, etc. there is still SO much to be done. It’s overwhelming so I try not to think about it too much. I kind of just pick a few errands to complete for that day and do them. There’s nowhere to hide now!

Fitness/Food

• Over the past month my exercise dropped to 3-4 times a week.
• I haven’t lifted weights in over a month. I really miss it, but I just haven’t had the time to fit in that with everything else that’s been going on. My weight lifting has involved lifting boxes and moving them from room to room!
• My workouts have only been MMA (Kajukenbo and/or Muay Thai).
• I’ve squeezed in the occasional walk/workout at home.
• My yoga/stretching has been non-existent, and I am desperate to get back into it.
• My weight went up a few kilos and now it’s on it’s way down again. More than anything, I’m just not happy with how I feel. I feel flabby. I know that getting back into the weight room will help take care of that.  
• My food has been so-so. I’ve tried not to eat my emotions (and boy have I been emotional!!!). Despite sticking to mainly eating clean, the few bready and/or sugary foods I’ve eaten have had an impact. I know better.

So that’s the basic update from me.

Although there is a lot to do, I will have much more time on my hands, and I plan on spending that time at the gym and in the kitchen!

The Past Few Weeks

The past few weeks have involved:

- lots and lots of tears
- a medical crisis that required my brother's hospitalization
- many ambulance rides
- many hospital visits
- an emergency flight to Bangladesh
- packing up all the things in my house
- having all the things in my house put in a container and shipped to London
- selling furniture and household items
- selling my car (which involved a few days of paperwork and running around)
- sleepless nights
- a complete emotional meltdown which led to loss of self confidence and anxiety
- did I mention lots and lots of tears?

On top of that there was my usual life which involved:

- lessons to plan
- papers to grade
- errands to run
- food to cook
- workouts to do

My blogging has taken a hit, but come May 1st, I will be back. 

No More Running

I've made the decision - I won't be running anymore. At least not for the time being. Every time I run, especially on pavement, my left knee and the right side of my hip hurt for days. The pain interferes with my other workouts.

I really do what to be able to run, but now is not the time. It's something that I want, but it's not something that I love (yet).

So, I'm going to focus on my other fitness activities - weight lifting and MMA training plus cardio, either walking or on the cross-trainer.

This decision of mine is actually not just about fitness. It's about me finally realizing that I can't do everything, and that it's ok. There have been way too many times in my life that I have done things I didn't want to do or that I've sacrificed things that I really wanted to do for things that I interpreted as things I 'should' do.

Instead of overwhelming myself, I'm finally making decisions (that are becoming much easier to make) in favor of the bigger picture -- in favor of making myself happy in the long term, not just right now.

Love First

I was making a list of all the things I have to do and all the things I want to do – and it really was overwhelming. For the past few weeks I feel like I’ve been wearing myself thin (not literally – I wish!) by doing things for others and making others a priority. Although it really is important to me to help people out and make time for others, I know that I shouldn’t do it at the expense of things that make me happy.

In the middle of the week I found myself getting irritable, getting annoyed at so many things. That’s when I told myself – This has to stop. There is no reason why I should be getting so worked up. If someone is doing something that I don’t like or that I feel needs to be done differently, then I need to tell them so that they know (instead of holding it inside like I normally do). If I feel like I am making a special effort to do something for someone and it isn’t being appreciated or respected, then I need to do something to make that change.

That’s when I realized – I need to put myself first. I need to do what I love first. I don’t mean this to be selfish. Actually, I feel like doing what I feel needs to be done first makes me more relaxed and less uptight, which in turn makes it better for everyone else.

With that in mind, instead of rushing around and grabbing some fruit or a date for breakfast, yesterday I took some extra time and made some scrambled eggs. I can’t tell you what a difference just that little thing made. I felt healthy. I felt satisfied. I went to work without feeling agitated.

Since we’ve had visitors coming in and out and now we’ve got lots of dinner plans to eat out over the next couple of weeks, I haven’t done a proper grocery shop. That has left me finicky with my food. I’d open the fridge and see a bell pepper and hardly anything else. It’s tough for me to think of what to eat when I don’t have the proper supplies. That’s why I was just grazing on nuts and other simple stuff because preparing anything was too big of a chore.

I told myself – who cares if we’re going to eat out for dinner most nights this coming week. I still need ingredients to prepare breakfast and lunch. So I went ahead and did a big shop. Again, I felt so much better knowing that my fridge was full and that it was going to be easy for me to quickly whip up some grilled shrimp and vegetables or a baked sweet potato and some chicken. Having those options again alleviated some stress.

The other thing that was bugging me was the fact that I had given up my morning gym routine in order to accommodate others – run errands with my dad, meet up with a friend, or whatever. No more. Not lifting weights has definitely left me cranky and has made me feel flabby. I don’t want to feel like that. So once again I’m rethinking my schedule, putting in things that I want to do first, and then filling everything else in. Again, as soon as I came to that realization, I started to feel better.

I know that I can’t please everyone even though I want to. I know that I can’t do every single thing that I want. However, I can still organize my time in a way that helps me make the best of the situation.

This time, I’m putting what I love first. Aside from unalterable priorities (e.g. work), everything else is flexible.

One of my friends shared this link on being happy. I think it’s really worth a read.

Make time for yourself. You’re worth it.