Confidence

It's 9:00 a.m. on March 14th, 2013. My flight was supposed to depart for London at 8:45 a.m., but obviously it's delayed. The new departure time is 10:30 a.m., so right now I'm sitting in the lounge catching up on commenting on some blogs and also scheduling a few blog posts for while I'm away on this trip.

I've got quite a few drafts of blog posts that I've written over the past several months. For most of them I've forgotten what the post was about. I decided to have a look, so I cliked on this post 'Confidence' -- before writing anything, I took a look at what I had already written (back in September 2012). So much of it is actually relevant to how I've been feeling recently (negative, cranky, frustrated). There are two links that I referred to within the post. I'm so glad I clicked over to them because they were good reminders of how far I've come and that even though I have a long way to go - I can do it.

One of the links refers to my time in Mexico when I was invited to deliver my first keynote speech at a conference. That's quite relevant for me now as I'm getting ready to give another big talk in a few days in Dallas, TX.

In any case, I thought this was a good post to finally publish now. It does worry me that I still have so many of the same concerns - will they ever go away? At the same time, I hope that in a few months time I'll be able to look back at this post and think once again -- look at how far I've come.

September 2012

There are some days (many days) when I just feel blah. It all starts with having to get ready to leave the house. Whether I'm going to work, to the gym, to a friend's house, or just to run errands, figuring out what to wear is a pain ... because I still have issues with how I look. The reason why I take so long to get ready is because I don't like what I see. I feel fat in everything. I'm fiddle with my clothes a lot - not because they don't fit - but because I just can't seem to accept the way they look on me. I feel like people stare at me and think, 'She really should have stayed indoors.'

It's really tough to struggle with inner voices that cut you up into little pieces (and then the inner, inner thoughts that are jealous of those little pieces and say - you'll never be that small - you'll always be chunky pieces) ... see what I mean! It's hard to stop those voices.

I made a major breakthrough after my PhD defense and came to a realization in Mexico that I think was really important to understanding myself more. It's these small moments that I hope will help me reach the big changes that I desire. I recognize that these voices are negative and bad. They're not helping me achieve my goals. Yet I cannot deny that they are there. They won't simply disappear with the snap of my fingers. Still, I think acknowledging that they are there and that they are unhealthy is a good first step. The other major accomplishment is recognizing that I deserve more/better ... and that I'm strong enough to reach those goals, no matter how long this discovery process may take.

I think the next step is to tackle these negative voices. I'm pleased that they do not happen as often as before, but they still happen - and I need them to stop. Part of this is linked to behavior. If I want to stop feeling/being fat, then I've got to stop acting in ways that will keep me fat - e.g. eating crap and skipping the gym. It's simple. There's no point in whining about not losing weight when I've just behaved in a way that sabotaged myself by eating crap.

Positive Thoughts + Positive Actions = Positive Outcomes

This is something I have to do for myself. Even if every person in the world said something positive about me, it wouldn't matter unless I believed it for myself. This belief is what I hope to gain over the next six weeks.

Post to Myself

Dear Me,

 I know that a few weeks ago you wouldn't have been able to write this letter. Yes, just a few weeks ago... but now look where you are.

You have come such a long way ... Such a very long way, especially since 1990 when you started to face many challenges.

You have been physically abused, emotionally abused, taken advantage of, told you were worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. You have been afraid of so many things - getting close to other people, trusting other, letting yourself be loved, taking chances, believing in yourself.

No more. No more.

You are stronger than ever before.
You are faster than ever before.
You are smarter than ever before.
You are surrounded by more supportive people than ever before.

The journey is not over, but that is actually the good news. Now you can go forward with newfound confidence and belief in yourself. There is still much work to be done, but you can do it - you have done it! Keep moving forward but now slow down a little. You know now that you are strong. You know now that a bit of pain and struggle does not mean things are impossible.

Enjoy the process. Take in the view. Breathe. Be fearless.

Me.

Farewell 2011!

Yesterday was a day of rest for me - and boy did I need it! Not only were my thighs burning from Thursday's squats and lunges, but I was in quite a bit of pain ... I wonder if it had to do with the Swiss ball crunches + reverse crunches that I did or maybe it was the fact that I worked out two days in a row (a first since my surgery) ... It didn't feel like surgical pain; it actually felt like the 'normal' uncomfortable pain that prompted my surgery in the first place. In any case, for most of the day I didn't feel well at all (had to resort to painkillers unfortunately), but things seemed to get better by the evening. Perhaps it really was just a need for rest.

Despite the pain, I started today off with an early morning workout - a bit of cardio (went up to 6 km/hr for 10 minutes today, yay!!) and then Workout A for NROL4W. I really hope that I can finish the program before my trip to Argentina.

I guess the end of the year is a normal time to reflect on what went right/wrong -- and how to proceed in the upcoming year.

I do feel like this year had more downs than ups. I feel like I never really caught my footing. My PhD work (which is still not done) took over most of my time ... that resulted in fewer workouts than I would have liked, less time with my friends and family, and just overall stress ... put that together with my illnesses over the year and you can see that it's been a frustrating year.

I'd have to say, however, that one of the best things about this year is this blog. For me, it has been a great way to express myself and just keep a general log of how I'm feeling/doing day to day. The bonus has been an incredibly supporting network of bloggers out there - some of who I definitely consider friends even though we've never met.

The most important thing I learnt this year -- I am a lot stronger than I realized -- and that's what I'm going to keep in mind as I start this new year ...

For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"~

Wishing you all health and happiness in the new year.

Planks, Push-ups, and Positivity

The next few days will be all about surrounding myself with positive thoughts, positive people, and anything else that brings positive energy ... as well as brushing up a bit of my upper body strength.

My medical leave was approved by the department, and two of my colleagues have agreed to cover the classes that I'll miss. Luckily I'm actually not missing too many classes because of the upcoming Eid holiday.

I spent a few hours with KD another one of the trainers at the gym (Body Combat & Body Pump instructor) and her support and advice was really good. I feel so lucky to have many of the trainers at the gym supporting me. It makes a big difference. I mean, I've got my friends and family, but the trainers are both my friends and family too ... it's such a big difference from 3 years ago.

Losing the strength and fitness that I've developed over the past two years has obviously been a big concern of mine. Perhaps for some people it may not seem like the thing I should be worried about when I'm about to go through surgery ... but it is a big deal. To be honest, the idea of not being able to exercise for almost two months is really freaking me out.

In trying to stay positive, however, I'm reminding myself that I'm in a MUCH better place with this surgery than the last one. During the last surgery I worked out a little but ate like crap ... this time, for the past 2 years I've changed my habits and my approach to food. This time instead of having chocolates and biscuits in the house, there will be lots of fruits and other things that will be healthy and satisfying ... I'm sure (well I hope) that these measures will help me get back on my feet quickly (and not gain weight)!!

My core is going to take a major hit during this surgery, so I'm trying to do a few planks and push-ups throughout the day to strengthen both my arms and my abs. I know I'll need the strength. They're two of my toughest exercises, but I think they're the most important ones for me at the moment. I don't want to overdo it, but I do want to prepare a bit. Tomorrow I hope to focus on cardio.

Making Progress

Today was a good day!

It started off in a bit of a rush as I tried to get myself organized and out the door in time to make it for the 8 a.m. RPM class. I really should have got my stuff ready last night, but time just got ahead of me. In any case, I made it for the class just in time ... it was a tough one. Really worked up a sweat and I realized that I hadn't done a straight 50-60 minutes of cardio in quite some time - possibly since my last RPM session. Anyway. It was quite a challenge.

I wasn't sure if I was going to do Workout B today or not - mainly because I did the long cardio session, but I decided to go ahead with the weights workout.

It went really, really well too. I upped a few more of my weights - even hit 10 kg for my shoulder presses today!! Yay!! I'm very proud of that number. It really makes a difference knowing that I'm only doing 3 sets of 8 reps ... I really want to make sure that I push myself to lift as heavy as I can for the last two workouts before the 2 challenge workouts. Doing only 8 reps doesn't feel too overwhelming. Hopefully I'll be able to hit good numbers next week as well. Overall I felt really good.

My workout was followed by a great study session with my BFF who is also doing her PhD at the moment. We definitely stopped to laugh and chat a few times, but overall we were very productive - much more than if I had been working at home alone. Hopefully we'll be able to squeeze in another study session or two before I head off to London.

It's finally the weekend - unfortunately, not much planned except for a workout and lots and lots of studying/editing/writing/reading ... it's ok. It'll be vacation time soon enough!

Cheers!