The Past Few Weeks

The past few weeks have involved:

- lots and lots of tears
- a medical crisis that required my brother's hospitalization
- many ambulance rides
- many hospital visits
- an emergency flight to Bangladesh
- packing up all the things in my house
- having all the things in my house put in a container and shipped to London
- selling furniture and household items
- selling my car (which involved a few days of paperwork and running around)
- sleepless nights
- a complete emotional meltdown which led to loss of self confidence and anxiety
- did I mention lots and lots of tears?

On top of that there was my usual life which involved:

- lessons to plan
- papers to grade
- errands to run
- food to cook
- workouts to do

My blogging has taken a hit, but come May 1st, I will be back. 

When I Can

As much as I have wanted to blog daily, for the past few months I just haven't been able to. Things have been busy. It's not just work, it's everything. There have been a couple of stressful family things that have been looming over my head since November and I don't seem to have been able to move past them. It's a waiting game -- and waiting makes me anxious.

Anxiety makes me lose sleep (more like restless sleep - waking up several times during the night) and feel like I can't breathe.
Restless sleep and that type of stress makes me feel fidgety all day.

It's not a good cycle.

The Whole Life Challenge has been great in helping me stay on track with my food and exercise, but even though I have been working out daily and eating right, my weight has stayed the same. I don't know if it is because of the stress or the tense sleep that my body is not reacting the way it should be (at least they way I think it should be reacting).

In any case -- I'm doing what I can, when I can.

I'm loving the fact that I can hit the gym early in the morning again. Since I don't teach until later in the morning, I can be at the gym by 6:45 am and get in a nice 2 hour workout before going to work. I've also been going to my Kajukenbo training, so my workouts have really been making me feel good, even though I am desperate to pick up some weights!

Since I wanted to work on my running/sprint work on some mornings, I decided to restart C25K. I had made such good progress with the program and then I stopped a week before completing it - such a shame! In any case, I'm starting from Day 1 again and during the run portions I'm running faster than I had before, and including 20-30 second sprints in some segments. It's been tough, but it feels so good once I'm done!

Lost

I feel like I have no control over my time. I have no schedule, and I'm so busy with finishing up the last portion of my Personal Trainer Certification final exam that I have no desire to even sit down and come up with a schedule. I just want everything else to stop so that I can get my exam done and get on with my life.

No schedule = not feeling in control = general listlessness

I just don't feel like myself at all. I'm going through the motions of everything else except my studies right now. It's the only thing I'm concentrating on. My deadline is approaching, and although I finished a big portion of my exam a while ago, I left 2 sections for the end thinking that they wouldn't take too much time. How wrong was I?! Part of it is because I'm obsessing over details. I want to make sure I'm answering correctly and thoroughly. The paranoid student in me comes out -- and all those haunting memories of writing my PhD thesis and fretting over details are coming back.

It sucks.

The only training I've done is when I've left the house to go to a class. I'm so distracted that I have just been submitting myself to the orders of someone else. It's been helpful. At least I'm getting in a workout  plus relieving some stress.

However, a big part of me just hasn't been in the mood. When I was at my HIIT training on Friday, part of me kept thinking - You really should be at your desk studying.

Of course this stupid wrist pain is also bringing me down. No improvement. All this typing and sitting at my computer is not helping. I just want it to be fixed. The physio/IMS treatments are spaced out way too much, so I think that I'm getting as much benefit from them as I should be. Tomorrow I'm schedule to see an orthopedist - let's see what he says.

Yesterday during Kajukenbo class I was in a bad mood. I did not want to be there. I mean, I wanted to be in class, but I just wanted to do the work and go home - not talk or anything. There was one portion in the class when our coach was punching us in the stomach. Repeated punches with moderate intensity, then some single powerful punches, and then dropping tires on our stomachs when we were lying on the ground.

It hurt. Kind of. I was so focused on being in a bad mood and not wanting to be there that I just started straight ahead and took it all.

I guess the good thing is that I know that I can block out the pain if I want to.

Anyway - enough complaining and whining. A few photos of cheerier things that have been happening.

Qout market is something that started last month. It's promotes local produce and organic/healthy goods. This month's event was so lovely. I took a 1 hour study break to go check it out:

 I picked up some kale chips and a nutrition fact -- such a cute idea!

A self snapshot of my brother and I on our morning drive to work

A glimpse of an overcast morning in Kuwait - water towers, mosque, and date palms

The Christmas tree is up! Aside from my gloomy mood, it feels quite festive in the house!

Breathe

Whenever I get stressed or worried or tense, I tend to hold my breath. I think it's because I feel like I need to contain whatever I have in me and not let go -- not lose control. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one as there are many phrases that mention holding one's breath as a sign of anticipation or even anxiety (She held her breath as she waited in anticipation for his response).

In my quest to get over my fears, one of the first phobias that I went to tackle was my fear of large bodies of water. I would feel anxious not being able to feel the ground under me. Even swimming in a swimming pool, once I was out of the shallow end, would make me feel very, very anxious. I couldn't move away from the side of the pool. I didn't like seeing what was happening under water. I just felt too out of control ... and this was just in the swimming pool! The sea/ocean filled me with such anxiety, I can't even explain. Even the sound of the waves would stress me out!

So, back to my quest to conquer my fear of water -- what did I do? I enrolled in a PADI diving course to get my open water diving certificate. I thought, what better way to get over my fear than to literally dive right in!

I loved the course because it was so detailed. It went through everything, and I felt like I was in total control. Aside from all the technical things, the one thing that was most challenging for me was breathing. My diving instructor (who was phenomenal) told me - you have to breathe. It's going to feel counterintuitive, breathing under water, but you have to breathe. Your life depends on it.

It was such a strange feeling, breathing under water. I was so scared under water that all I wanted to do was hold my breath, but she kept prompting me -- breathe, breathe, breathe.

It was a great learning experience. Although I did learn many things by going through that situation, I still have to remind myself to breathe.

It seems strange, as we breathe naturally, but I find myself still holding my breath every once in a while. However, every time I do any of my trainings, the coaches always repeat one thing -- Breathe.

Yoga - breathe through the position.
Kajukenbo - breathe to help you maintain your energy and your focus
Running - breathe to help you keep your pace
Weight lifting - breathe to help you lift

If breathing is so natural, why are we always being reminded to do it? What is it that is unnatural about taking deep breaths? How is it that the one thing that indicates we are alive can be such a tricky thing to manage?

I make a lot more effort to be conscious of my breathing. I like the way it releases the tension at the top of my spine. I like the way it helps me fall deeper into a yoga pose. I like the way it helps calm my heart. I still tend to hold my breath when I'm stressed, but I'm really trying to get better at just breathing.

Overwhelmed

There's so much going on here. I'm having a tough time keeping up with it all. Plus I'm having a really tough time making it to the computer to read blogs/write blog posts. I really to do it, but it's the one thing that I've been struggling to incorporate in my schedule.

I usually wake up at 4:30 a.m., but I think the stress and the overwhelming feeling of all that I have to do during the day has been disrupting my sleep. I was up at 3:50 a.m. the other morning -- not cool at all.

One of the biggest changes to my schedule is that my brother is now living with me. He arrived in Kuwait last Friday and will be staying with me for at least 2 months. He's got a job in my department and is teaching English just like me. The thing that sucks is that I have an early morning schedule, whereas he teaches later in the day. Since he doesn't drive, I've needed to incorporate his transportation into my schedule. Until he gets his local paperwork done (which could take several weeks - if we're lucky), he won't be able to drive. Even taking taxis is a bit risky at the moment as there have been many random police check-points on the road, and since he's Bangladeshi and doesn't have all his papers ready yet, it's just not safe. Anyway. As I said, it'll just take some adjusting, but I haven't been able to come up with a good routine plan yet -- especially since things ALWAYS keep popping up!! For example, last week a meeting ran late, then another day I had to substitute somebody else's class, then I had some running around for my brother's paperwork ... etc. etc. I'm doing the best I can, but the disruptions themselves are exhausting ...

Dad arrived for his medical check-up yesterday --- and if you've been following my blog for some time, you know that he stresses me out when it comes to food. He's a diabetic who likes to eat all the WRONG stuff -- chocolate, chips, foods rich in butter, fried etc. etc. All he does is talk about food. It makes me insane!! Starting from the ride home from the airport ... (reciting the serenity prayer).

So it's a full house at the moment. I've given up all 'my' space in the house to my brother and my dad ... I just need to remember to breathe.

Being on the Whole Life Challenge has been good for me because I don't need to worry about my own food. Keeping my diet clean I think has actually helped me continue to feel good. I feel light, and not having any extra 'junk' in my system has given me at least enough energy to get through each day.

I've just got to stay focused on my goals and make sure that I get my workouts in (which I've been doing well at). I need to stay positive and prioritize. I need to breathe.

 

Back to CrossFit!

Today has been a strange day.

I started off with class -- my students are really, really quiet. I do hope that it's just coz' it's the first week of class and not the trend they'll be following for the rest of the semester. I'll definitely put a stop to that!

Then, since my brother's paperwork to join my department still isn't complete (you wouldn't believe the bureaucratic bullshit we've had to go through. Let's just put it this way, he was supposed to be here in May -- that's how much crazy paperwork we've had to do) the director asked me to cover his class.

Ugh!!! The last thing I want to do is spend extra time prepping and teaching a class that's not even mine. Since he's my brother, I'll said I'd do it, but I wasn't happy about it.

Later in the afternoon I find out that my brother's paperwork was finally completed and that he's arriving TOMORROW!! My first reaction - oh no! I'm not ready. I thought D & I would have one more weekend to ourselves before my brother came to stay with us. Ugh!! Frustrating.

Then I got over it and was just really happy and relieved that the paperwork was finally done and that I didn't have to teach his class -- Yay!! :)

So, it all worked out, but not without me going crazy for a few hours.

What really made the day good -- going back to CrossFit!

Unfortunately, with my Kajukenbo training and my BJJ training, I don't have the time in my schedule to attend CrossFit regularly. The class timing is in conflict with my other training sessions. However, I've decided to drop in whenever possible. I almost didn't go (preparing stuff for my brother - converting a room to be his bedroom etc.) but I'm SO glad I did. It felt great to get such a crazy sweat on in just 45 minutes!

Our workout:
Warm-up: 30 burpees, 30 squats
Strength/skill: Back squats -- reps: 8, 6, 6, 4, 2 (40 kg, 50 kg, 60 kg, 70 kg, 80 kg which is 176 lbs)
WOD: 16 min AMRAP: 10 front squats (20 kg); 15 knees to elbow (my first time doing them); 50 high knees or double-unders (I tried the double unders - it was tough!! It's been about 4 months since I practiced any double-unders. I was so happy when I finally managed to do 10 in a row!)

Sweaty & smiling leaving CrossFit Q8

I really, really wish that I could go regularly. However, given my schedule, I'll just have to be realistic and do the best I can. The last thing I want to do is take on too much to the point where I'm not doing any of my workouts effectively.

Gotta be realistic and reasonable if I want to make sure I can do the work to achieve my goals!

Mental Flip-Flop

I've once again hit a plateau. I've been +/- 2kg of my current weight for the past 5 months now. I just can't seem to get a handle on it and push through. I think a lot of it has to do with my disrupted schedule - from out of town visitors, to general stress, to traveling for about 11 weeks. Although I did lose some weight while on vacation, it still isn't the lowest weight that I reached a few months ago. It's really getting frustrating, but I know what the solution is -- I need to clean up my eating and I need to make sure my workouts are efficient and effective.

One of the things that I think has really affected me is going back to a sedentary lifestyle. Aside from the conscious effort I make to workout, I have relatively no daily activity. It's so different from the time I spent in New York this past summer where I was walking at least 5 miles a day, not including the workouts I was doing. That extra activity helped me come back without gaining any weight. However, being home and not getting in those extra miles has now had a negative effect - I need to rectify that now.

There was a time when I would spend 4-6 hours a day at the gym. Yes, that's right, 4-6 hours a day. Although I was active, I wasn't really losing weight because I was either cutting my calories way too low or eating the wrong things. Sometimes (often) it was a combination of the two. Although it may sound like it should have worked, I know now that simply eating the wrong things (regardless of quantity) just doesn't work for me. Rice and bread will leave me bloated for days.

My recent funk hasn't helped. I've been working out but my heart hasn't been in it; my food has been 80-85% clean, but that's definitely not clean enough ... it's time for me to get a grip and focus on the task at hand. Complaining about it isn't going to help. Spending too much time planning without implementing isn't going to get me anywhere either. I know what I need to do. Now I just need to stop stalling and get on with it.

I seem to have lost a bit of confidence in my ability to reach my goal. At one point I was really enthusiastic. I believed I could do it, and I was excited about reaching my goal. Today, and over the past few days, however, I just feel like the goal is far away.

This mental flip-flop is annoying, frustrating, and exhausting. Yet I know that I'm the only one in control.

I saw this quote:

I had the motivation -- it got me started.
I've formed the habit - I'm keeping on going.

My question is -- now what? Why am I floundering? How can I find that stable footing again?

13 in 13 Post #5: May Plans

The past ten days involved a lot of stress, a lot of work, a lot of tears and tension ... it has been rough. When I hit my breaking point on Tuesday night I decided to step back a little and just figure out how I was going to make it through the next four days without completely collapsing.

I haven't worked out since Tuesday. Any down time I had since then (which wasn't much) I used to rest/sleep. I made a conscious decision to just try to relax and sleep until Sunday. Dealing with the stress of my dad's hospital visits and of course our continued arguments over food, my brother's paperwork crisis, and everything else was just too, too much.

I really thought that I would be able to handle the stress much better, but I didn't. As I said, there were lots of stress-induced tears this past week ... but now it's over.

So on to more positive things:

• My menu for the week is up on the whiteboard. I've got the basic groceries to get started and I'll do a bigger shop during the week
• I finished my last batch of grading for the semester (and now only 12 days left until summer vacation starts!!)
• My dad has returned home so I've got my house and space back - what a relief
• All the junk food that entered the house while he was here has been put in a bag that I'm going to give to my housekeeper so that there is no temptation around 
• My exercise plan for the week has been written down, and I'm going to do my very best to stick to it

I didn't do a proper review of how I did in April, but you can read my summary of how the month went here.

So now, my specific May goals -- actually, these goals are for May 5 - June 5 (I travel for summer vacation on June 6th)

1) Weight loss: End the month lighter than what I started
2) Exercise: Complete 35 workouts this month
3) Personal Trainer studies: Complete 3 quizzes
4) Cooking: Post my recipes!
5) Academic: Work on my chapter outline
6) Burpees: Continue working towards the ultimate goal of 20,130
7) Squats: Start the 30 squat challenge (I started this in April but then got distracted by other stuff so I'm restarting from May 5)
8) Yoga/Stretching: Do yoga in the morning daily & a minimum of 15 minutes of deep stretching daily + at least 4 yoga/balance/pilates classes this month
9) Food journaling: Food journaling daily - both in writing and in pictures
10) Other: Spring cleaning - get my office sorted & Vacation planning - get all hotels etc. booked!

--------
I wasn't going to exercise today, but when I saw how behind I was on my burpee count for the year I went ahead and did 100 burpees. They're still tough, but I've found that controlling my breathing in a particular way helps me get through them without feeling like I'm about to completely collapse!

Burpee count to date: 
January - April: 3,385
Today: 100 (total: 3,485/20,130)

Quick April Review

Quick, quick, quick post - review of April

The Good Stuff
1) I completed my Fitness Nutritionist course and did really well on the final exam!
2) I wanted to complete 40 workouts this month & I completed 45!

The Okay Stuff
1) My weight goal was to end each month lighter than the previous one: I did, but I am disappointed with only a 1/2 kg (1 lb) loss for the month
2) My overall eating habits have been good, and I feel much more confident around food. However, I obviously still need to tweak my eating habits because with the amount I'm working out, it just doesn't seem to add up.

The Bad Stuff
1) I've been feeling really stressed out, which is affecting my sleep.
2) I've felt really disorganized and overwhelmed; I need to work on my time management and planning.


That's my basic post April review.

My May goals and plan for the month will be posted this weekend. I just need to survive the next 3 days.

The Challenges Continue

Yesterday I wrote about my stress level being really high. At one point during the day I had gone to the supermarket to stock of up on a few items - lettuce, tomatoes, turkey, olives - and although I was craving something to eat, I didn't know what I wanted to eat. I knew that I didn't want to eat junk food though at one point I remember thinking, just grab a chocolate bar, maybe you'll feel better.

Seriously? Where did that voice come from?

Anyway. I ignored it, bought what I needed to get and went home feeling somewhat dissatisfied that I hadn't found away to take the edge off my day ... and I was still contemplating a chocolate bar or a bag of chips.

In the evening, as I was heading out, I asked my dad if he wanted anything. Before he arrived I had made him a small basket of treats to prevent him from going to the supermarket and buying too much junk food. He said that his basket was empty and that he wouldn't mind a refill. (I feel bad that I didn't notice!) So I said sure, but had to grit my teeth because I knew that would take me back to the supermarket aisle and into the junk food section (I bought him some nuts, a few bags of chips, and some 'diabetic-friendly' chocolates -- still, in the same area as all the other junk foods.)

I did not buy anything for myself, but had a nagging feeling that I wanted something. As I headed to the check-out counter I started to have a bit of anxiety which seems to be the case if/whenever I buy any type of junk food, even though it's not for me. Putting junk food into my shopping cart literally makes me anxious! I feel embarrassed putting the items on the conveyor belt, and I know I'd be mortified if anybody I knew saw what I was buying.

It was such a strange mixture of thoughts and emotions.

For dinner dad wanted pizza.

Since I have decided not to argue with him about his eating habits (he's 65 years old; I'm not going to baby him).

So I ordered.

It was so tempting. I really, really wanted a slice, but I didn't have one.

Sure it would have fit into my 'calorie count' and I know that with the activity I do it 'shouldn't hurt,' but  that's not the point of not eating the pizza. That's not the way I look at food anymore.

I know I was feeling emotionally vulnerable. I didn't want to eat because of that vulnerability. If I want to eat something like that, it'll be an active choice that I make because I want the food, not something that I eat with a shrug of my shoulders and think - what the hell, why not?

It was tough because I definitely felt like there were many challenges in my way - so many temptations, but I didn't give into any of them.

All I'm going to say about today is that aside from my workout in the morning (30 minutes cardio, 1 hour weights), my morning revolved around chasing up my brother's paperwork, which involved meetings with the vice-president of the university, the director of my department, and the legal advisor of the university. It was a stressful way to start the day.

Things eased up in terms of stress, but not in terms of how much work I had to do.

Although it's tempting to eat when faced with so many different challenging situations, instead of eating - just face the challenge head on. Do what needs to be done, and if you can't act immediately, write down a plan of attack.

Food will not solve any problems or take the stress away.

Monday Already?

My stress level is off the charts. I haven't had any time to myself, let alone the peace of mind and clarity to write a blog post. There is just way too much going on and I feel my anxiety building.

I definitely used to turn to food before whenever I was stressed/anxious. Now that I'm not doing that anymore (I'm proud and happy to say that), I do find it a bit difficult to find a way to relieve my stress. I already had a killer hour and half kickboxing session, but it just wasn't enough. I feel like so overwhelmed with everything that I need to find something, anything to control -- and I don't know what to do. All I really want to do is lie absolutely still and block everything and everyone out. Hmmm I may try that.

My weight over the past week has gone up 1 kg and down 1 kg. It's so annoying to see. Now I'm hanging at a new low, which is only 1 lb. less than what I weighed 3 weeks ago. What is going on? I'm so frustrated.

I've been so good with my exercise and my food. I've been busy, but I haven't missed a workout; I've been stressed, but I haven't eaten anything bad (and believe me, there's been a lot of temptation). It's so, so, so frustrating when it really feels like you're doing everything right and the results aren't going your way.

I know that this is the time to really hold on and keep pushing forward, but for goodness sake, I can't help but to feel a bit irritated!

Anyway. Just checking in to say that I'm on track with my food and fitness ... it's just the rest of my life that I'm having issues with!

Big tasks for the week:
- prepare my students for their final writing exam (which will be on Wednesday) [this involves hours of consultation and counseling to help calm their nerves and give them the confidence to kick ass]
- get my dad to and from his hospital appointments (mainly on Wednesday & Thursday) [dealing with dad also means somehow surviving our day to day clashes, the biggest of which surrounds food of course; after that it's figuring out how to deal with him giving me advice/suggestions on how to live my life which I just don't want. The 'problem' is that I don't sit back and take it anymore. I talk back, and this just increases the conflict and the tension.]
- get everything planned, ready, and prepared for a bridal shower that I'm throwing on Thursday [I'm a perfectionist; I want this to be terrific. There are so many details to take care of ... it has been tough!]
- chase up my brother's papers with the university administrators [and surviving all the red tape and bureaucratic bullshit that goes along with any type of administration related errand]
- all the usual weekly errands and tasks!

Family Members and Food

I grudgingly skipped my workouts at both the gym and CrossFit today in order to take care of errands. I ended up doing my 'go-to' workout at home that I created for myself. I know it's not the same as going to the gym, but it's all I could do today.

I had 23 things on my list of things to do today and I got through all of them except for 2 phone calls that I have yet to make. The phone calls have been more exhausting than the actual running around. For example I spent 37 minutes on the phone with the British Airways office in London. The guy kept apologizing for making me wait and I wanted to just scream at him - stop apologizing, just do them damn work! I finally lost my temper at the end after I had finished all my transactions etc. when he said I just want to check one more thing. I snapped and said, What exactly are you checking? You said everything was already finalized and good to go. You are running up my phone bill for no reason. To which he apologized again and asked if I would mind staying on the line to for a survey. Was he kidding me?! I told him no way. I confirmed that everything I needed was taken care of and then I hung up. I swear I could have screamed!! Ugh.

Anyway. Aside from that my biggest stress has been preparing for my dad's visit. He arrives at 4 a.m. tomorrow. That's right, 4 a.m.

My Dad visits every 3 months for his health check-ups. I love my Dad, but we do not see eye to eye at all when it comes to eating healthy and how to go about losing weight/living a healthier life. He's totally into fad diets (which he doesn't commit to); he preaches about staying away from flour, sugar, and cheese -- the 3 things that he loves to indulge in; and worst of all, he's diabetic and a kidney transplant patient and I know he sneaks in chocolate.

(My blood pressure is rising just writing this!)

During his first visit, I had a meltdown every single day. We argued and I cried because I felt like he didn't respect me and the changes that I had made in my eating habits. As he is eating pizza (that he ordered) he asks me if I want a slice -- and this is after 10 days of him knowing that I'm not eating any flour, dairy, or sugar/processed foods (I was on the Whole Life Challenge).

His second trip was a bit better, but we still clashed. That time, however, I backed off a bit and just let him do his thing. I knew that I was doing whatever I could to make sure we were well fed (quantity and quality of food). When he asked for Burger King instead of arguing about it and stressing myself out, I just took him to Burger King. At 65 years old if he's not going to change his habits, why should I stress over it?

I say that, but the truth of the matter is that I do stress over it because I know it is bad for his health. It hurts me to see him not take care of himself. When I see the way he eats and is around food it is like a traumatic experience - making me think of how I developed bad habits in the first place.

It makes me sad and angry.

I find it really, really difficult to deal with.

I know where I stand in terms of my health and how I want to live my life. I know that if he wants junk food or chocolate or ice cream, I do not need to join him. I am just fine with how and what I eat. I do believe this; however, I also know that it will stress me out though I'm going to try to just breathe through it as much as I can.

Today I did a huge grocery shop. I have loaded up on delicious vegetables and lots of different proteins. I also bought my dad a few little treats - some 85% dark chocolate, a cheese and olive mix that he likes, some bread, and some cheese as well as a few other nibbles. It gave me mild anxiety putting these foods in my cart because they were things that I just don't buy anymore, but I figured I'd rather control how many snacks there are in the house versus letting him go crazy in the supermarket (and he does go crazy in the supermarket - I get both my eating habits  and my shopaholic tendencies from my dad).

The next ten days will be challenging. My schedule will be disrupted (once again) and food will be a bit of an issue.

However, I know that I am strong. I know what is good for me. I know what my goals are. There is no need for anything or anybody to get in the way of that. I have been through enough obstacles over the past 2 years to know how to stay in control, or at least in as much control as possible.

There will definitely be a lot of deep breathing going on over the next few days.

Today's Workout:
Workout at home

Today's Food:
Breakfast: Banana + 1 T peanut butter + 1 date
Lunch: Baked fish in tomato sauce, chili, and bell peppers
Dinner: Baked fish and vegetables (wasn't feeling too creative today)
Snack: 1 cup green tea; 1/2 cup grapes

One of those days

When you were a kid, did you ever wake up the morning after your weekend ended, get ready to go to school, only to realize that you had completely forgotten about the homework you were assigned to complete over the weekend?

That was me this morning.

No workout for me as I sat down at my desk at 5:30 a.m., scrambling to get a stack of marking done before class. It totally slipped my mind.

The rest of the day has been filled with work and some pre-travel chaos. I'm really stressing over my upcoming presentation. The thing is, I have so much other stuff that needs to get done too. In any case, I've got my to-do list. I'm just trying to strike things off it one by one.

I did the bare minimum when it came to exercise today -- 100 burpees plus 10 minutes of stretching. With everything that's on my list of things to do, this may just be the best I can do for the next few days. We'll see. 

Off Sync

I'm feeling slightly off sync today. I think the disruption in my normal routine for the past 3 days has kinda caught up to me.

I didn't work out today. I had a lot on my mind. Normally I would have gone to the gym to work it out, but it just wasn't happening today.

There's going to be another change in my training - I won't be continuing with taekwondo & BJJ at the moment. It's a long story and one that's had me stressed out for the better part of the day, but I'm hoping that when I wake up tomorrow everything will be sorted out and I'll be back to 'normal.'

Last night's Gladiators Fight Championship (#GFC) was great. It was my first time watching fights live and I loved it. Out of 12 fights none went the distance. The one that almost went the full 3 rounds was the one I was most excited about - how/why it ended is a bit of a controversy at the moment, but here's a shot of the fighter (in front) and my friends/his coach entering the Octagon.

Here's another shot of the last fighter about to enter the Octagon.

That's it from me today -- hopefully my regular, energy-filled posts will resume from tomorrow. Today, I just need some rest.

Stuff

I have so much stuff.

I feel like I've been throwing out/donating/getting rid of my 'stuff' for the past year, but still there's more.

Today I felt like I reached my breaking point.

I was going through my clothes - again - and all of a sudden I just felt completely overwhelmed. There were just so many clothes to go through. I just couldn't believe I had so many (where were they every morning when I struggled to figure out what to wear?!). I was irritated at myself because I knew that many of them were from years and years ago (I'm talking 8 or so years). I've hung on to them because they're still in good shape and because I thought - maybe one day I'll wear them again. I'd say 90% of my clothes have been worn well; the other 10% have either just been worn once or not at all.

As I was pulling clothes off the hanger I was getting frustrated. Most of the clothes were going into the donate pile, and as the pile started getting higher, I started to feel more anxious.

I don't know if I can explain exactly what was being anxious. I guess I felt like I was being really wasteful.

I know that the reason why I'm getting rid of the clothes (they're all way too big for me) is a good one. I'd rather just get rid of them and give them away than have them hanging in my closet collecting dust. I'm also glad that I'm getting rid of them because they're too big rather than too small. It's a sign of progress.

Still, I just felt overwhelmed. I guess it's because even after spending a couple of hours sorting through my stuff I still have much more ... and this is just my clothes!

I also have other bits and pieces - things I've collected (magnets, post cards, other souvenirs from travels) - that I need to go through. I just don't feel like going through them. At the same time, I want them to be totally organized and streamlined. It just takes so much time.

Maybe that's what I'm most annoyed about. If I had taken the time in the first place, first of all to be sensible and not buy them in the first place, and second of all, to put the stuff away in the right place, then I wouldn't be in this mess.

The same frustration applies to my weight too.

Maybe that's what is really bugging me?

If I hadn't gained so much weight in the first place - eaten right, exercised well - then I wouldn't be where I am today.

I know there's really no sense lamenting over the past. I know that I'm heading in the right direction now. I am happy about where I am now and I am optimistic about my future progress ... still, it doesn't remove the fact that there's still a lot of emotional stuff that I need to work through. Just coz' the weight comes off doesn't mean the emotional burdens that got me there in the first place have magically disappeared. I know that the stuff I have accumulated over the years is also a consequence of those emotional issues. There's still much work to be done, and I'm ready to do it (though I'm not saying I won't whine a little along the way).

Back to Normal - Tomorrow

I was at my desk at 5 a.m. and I didn't get up  until 7 p.m.

I am absolutely mentally exhausted.

Today is the first day in about 10 weeks that I did absolutely no exercise.

I had a few sticks of celery this morning with 1 tablespoon of peanut butter and some raisins plus a cup of coffee --

Aside from that I was just consumed by stress and the adrenaline of almost getting this task done - and it is almost done.

Actually, it's done but it's due tomorrow so I'm going to hold on to it and give it a once over in the morning before submitting ... and then I'll be back on track with everything ... This is the price of procrastination.

I really need to fix my schedule so I don't pull crap like this anymore.

As I said, back to normal tomorrow.

Now, fingers crossed for a good night's sleep!

Take Time to Bother

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

Do I go to Body Balance today?
I'm still not feeling 100%. Plus I may need to stay a bit longer at work so I'm not sure if I'll make it. Should I even bother?

Do I go to CrossFit today?
Again, I'm still not feeling 100%. I've got cramps. I'm cranky. I know that burpees and other jumping exercises will be tough and uncomfortable. Should I even bother?

The answer to both questions: Yes.

I didn't come up with that answer from the start. I ummed and aahhhed a lot and then decided - y'know what, pack your Manduka mat & yoga clothes and put them in the car. If things work out, go. If not, well, then they didn't work out.

In the end, it worked out. Of course it did. Why do I even hesitate?


After coming back from BodyBalance I felt much better. I struggled with a few poses that I normally don't have any difficulty with, but still, I went and I tried, and I'm glad.

With that attitude I told myself - go to CrossFit. Just do the best you can.

I went. It was tough. I didn't enjoy the burpees at all (but then, I never do) -- but I got it done.


I know that I've written before about my indecisiveness. I wonder why I haven't gotten over it yet? Why do I still have doubts as to what the right choice is? The answer is clear. It's always clear. I always know what the healthier food choice is. I know that exercising, even a little bit, is better than no exercise. It's always worth the effort, and I always feel better after having made the right (obvious) choice ... yet I still hesitate.

This hesitation is really starting to irritate me. Will it ever leave? Will the thought of - Let me just push through - ever go and I just do it naturally?

By the end of today I had one motto in mind: Plan for Success. 

Pack your gym bag and take it with you. Take the time to prepare healthy meals/snacks. When you've planned for success, there's a much, much smaller chance that that you'll make a bad choice.

(PS: I know I'm really behind on commenting on blogs. I'll get to them soon.)

Downhill

Today started off really well --

I did my yoga this morning, which felt much better than yesterday.
I then received feedback from my supervisor that the writing I've been working on was really good.

The main task for today was to set the menu for the week and stock up the fridge -- did both of those - and then I had some errands to run. That's when things kinda started going downhill. I was stuck in traffic for ages; my cramps started to get worse, and then I just started losing my energy and feeling completely drained.

The rest of the day crawled by. I managed to get my minimum 10-minutes exercise in for the Whole Life Challenge, and after that I spent most of the day whining - did a bit of work, but mainly counted the minutes until I could just get to bed.

What annoyed me was that after all the menu planning I just didn't feel up to cooking what I had planned for dinner (too much prep). However, the good thing is that with a fridge stocked with only healthy ingredients, pretty much any combination of foods will be healthy. Not bringing any junk food in the house whatsoever has been a really helpful to staying on track. Though I have to admit, I wish I had enough will-power to just say no if there was a bag of Doritos in the house. Why is it that even knowing how unhealthy they are I'd still probably reach for them? Oh well, that'll be something to work on at another time.

Shrimp over some sauteed sweet potato, bell peppers, sugar snap peas, and mushrooms for dinner tonight. Filling and comforting.

Been on painkillers since yesterday. I hope today/tomorrow will be the last day I'll need them. I want my energy back! 

Trying to be Optimistic

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this Saturday morning. Nothing too unusual about that, but ideally I would have liked to sleep in a little more given that it's a weekend. Still, my desk was beckoning so after my yoga, which didn't feel as good as it did yesterday, I started to work.

I kept telling myself - come on. Get through it. Just put your head down and work ... however that forced determination and hope soon turned to bitterness, angst, and stress.

On top of all that, my pain, which has been at about a 9 for the past 3 days, finally went through the roof today. It was hard not to take a bunch of painkillers and just lie under my comfortable all day.

It really was a shitty day.

Still, I'm getting better and better at compartmentalizing my moods. It's almost like when I'm in a shitty mood eating right and exercising are a way to tell my negative, moody self 'Screw you. You're not going to get me down. You're not going to make me binge. I'm stronger than that.'

I didn't binge. I didn't eat off plan. I actually didn't eat much at all because I was feeling crappy, but I did have 3 small meals and munched on a few raw nuts and raisins while working at my desk.

I didn't go to CrossFit today and I am pissed that I missed it ... at the same time I do think it was the sensible thing to do. Instead I grabbed some hand weights and my kettlebells and my Bosu and did some upper body resistance & balance/abs exercises. It wasn't much, but I at least wanted to get in half an hour of exercise.

The main sign that things were really off for me today was the fact that my mood didn't really get better after exercise. I usually feel great, but today I just felt blah. I'm way too stressed about this upcoming deadline and my stupid pain.

I will not, however, dwell on all the negative thoughts that have been on my mind all day (it's amazing how sometimes 1 negative thought multiplies into 1,000) and focus instead of a some happy/positive things that have been happening lately.

First of all, today marks the beginning of the last week of the Whole Life Challenge. Once I put in my scores for the day I saw that I was ranked 4th out of 7,099 people participating internationally -- that's pretty good, isn't it?

Second of all, yesterday I got to try out my new boxing shoes during our session. They were great though I do need to get socks that go higher than my ankle.

And just for the heck of it, here's a picture of me in my Halloween costume. It's actually one I bought for last year, but given my surgery, I didn't go to any parties. This year I had a lovely time and though the costume was a bit big (had to make some adjustments), I'm glad I got to wear it (though now what do I do with it?!)

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be.

Typical

November 1st already. This year seems to be flying by.

Of course I had big plans for the day - I was going to do my yoga, have a good breakfast, get some work done, workout etc. etc.

Things didn't go according to plan and I started to think, 'Great. What a lousy start to the month.'

That's when I paused and thought, 'Actually, this is life. This is how it always goes. I should know this by now. Make the best of it and just move on.'

So I did.

I had tons of work to do. I find writing absolutely exhausting. The stress of trying to get it all right plus sitting at my desk for hours on end is not a good combination. So today I broke it up and every 1 1/2 hours I'd get up, do a small task around the house (e.g. fold the laundry) do 5 minutes of yoga stretching and then get back to my desk. I did this throughout the day.

Taking a break from my work helped me come back to my desk ready to go for another 1 1/2 hours.

After spending 9 hours at my desk, I was more than ready to do a bit of jumping around and work up a sweat.

I knew from early on that I wasn't going to make it to the gym, but I also know that I don't need a gym to get a workout done. There are tons of exercises to do that will make you break out a sweat and you don't even need any equipment!

Walking lunges, jump squats, burpees, push-ups, sit-ups, shadowboxing -- these are just a few exercises that you can do without needing much room or any equipment.

30 minutes of all that (ummm minus the burpees though) plus my Gleason's boxing workout and I was dripping with sweat and feeling totally satisfied.

It just goes to show - if you want to get it done, you will.

There really is no excuse to not exercising each day. Just freaking do it. You'll feel so much better after you're done!!

I ended with 10 minutes of yoga and I was feeling totally zen.

So things didn't go according to my initial plans ... that's life. I think that's the good thing about making eating right and exercising part of my lifestyle. It's always going to be there. Whether I'm eating at home, at a restaurant, or at a friend's house ... whether I'm working out at a gym, at the CrossFit box, or at home ... there's always an opportunity to make healthy choices.

Make eating right and exercise a typical part of your day. 

You can't go wrong.