Lost

I feel like I have no control over my time. I have no schedule, and I'm so busy with finishing up the last portion of my Personal Trainer Certification final exam that I have no desire to even sit down and come up with a schedule. I just want everything else to stop so that I can get my exam done and get on with my life.

No schedule = not feeling in control = general listlessness

I just don't feel like myself at all. I'm going through the motions of everything else except my studies right now. It's the only thing I'm concentrating on. My deadline is approaching, and although I finished a big portion of my exam a while ago, I left 2 sections for the end thinking that they wouldn't take too much time. How wrong was I?! Part of it is because I'm obsessing over details. I want to make sure I'm answering correctly and thoroughly. The paranoid student in me comes out -- and all those haunting memories of writing my PhD thesis and fretting over details are coming back.

It sucks.

The only training I've done is when I've left the house to go to a class. I'm so distracted that I have just been submitting myself to the orders of someone else. It's been helpful. At least I'm getting in a workout  plus relieving some stress.

However, a big part of me just hasn't been in the mood. When I was at my HIIT training on Friday, part of me kept thinking - You really should be at your desk studying.

Of course this stupid wrist pain is also bringing me down. No improvement. All this typing and sitting at my computer is not helping. I just want it to be fixed. The physio/IMS treatments are spaced out way too much, so I think that I'm getting as much benefit from them as I should be. Tomorrow I'm schedule to see an orthopedist - let's see what he says.

Yesterday during Kajukenbo class I was in a bad mood. I did not want to be there. I mean, I wanted to be in class, but I just wanted to do the work and go home - not talk or anything. There was one portion in the class when our coach was punching us in the stomach. Repeated punches with moderate intensity, then some single powerful punches, and then dropping tires on our stomachs when we were lying on the ground.

It hurt. Kind of. I was so focused on being in a bad mood and not wanting to be there that I just started straight ahead and took it all.

I guess the good thing is that I know that I can block out the pain if I want to.

Anyway - enough complaining and whining. A few photos of cheerier things that have been happening.

Qout market is something that started last month. It's promotes local produce and organic/healthy goods. This month's event was so lovely. I took a 1 hour study break to go check it out:

 I picked up some kale chips and a nutrition fact -- such a cute idea!

A self snapshot of my brother and I on our morning drive to work

A glimpse of an overcast morning in Kuwait - water towers, mosque, and date palms

The Christmas tree is up! Aside from my gloomy mood, it feels quite festive in the house!

Can it get any cleaner?

My theory about why I was in such pain yesterday has to do with what I've been eating lately. Although I have been true to the Whole Life Challenge and have been exercising daily, I've eaten out more than usual (because first my dad was visiting then my in-laws were here). Normally, I only eat out on Fridays (breakfast: an egg white omelet with mushrooms & dinner: a chicken avocado salad) - still all WLC compliant. Even all the meals that I've eaten out have been WLC-friendly. I looked at menus beforehand and chose restaurants that would cater to my dietary needs.

Despite making the effort, I've eaten more than I usually do and I think that the foods were just a bit more salty and oily than I'm used to. I think eating this way for about 3 weeks has had a cumulative negative effect on my body.

I don't know if this really is the reason behind the sudden increase in pain; however, it's the only real difference in my routine that I can think of.

I told D last night that I need to clean up my eating even more once his parents left (they left this morning). His reaction - how can you eat any cleaner?

You'd think that by following the parameters set by the Whole Life Challenge that I would be doing just fine. However, it's not that easy. Constant vigilance is still needed even when eating clean. There are two main things that I want to clean up:

First of all, portion sizes do matter. Although I did stop calorie counting once I changed my eating habits, I know that it is still possible to eat too much. For example, extra virgin olive oil may be a good form of healthy fat; however, putting 3-4 tablespoons, when really just 2 tsp. will suffice, does have an impact on health. Raw nuts may be good for you, but that doesn't mean you can eat however much you want (without consequences!)

Second, I need to eat more greens and raw vegetables. Most of my food is cooked instead of steamed or raw. Although I eat a lot of vegetables, there's still not much green on my plate. This is something I want to change.

I'm hoping that with these two dietary changes in place, along with continuing to drink 3-4 L of water a day and get a proper amount of sleep, things will start to improve.

In the meantime, the research for some sort of cure/solution to my pain has begun ...

Negotiating Pain

I had a terrible day on Sunday. From morning until night, I was in excruciating pain (details of my health history here). It was hard for me to get up from sitting position, and it hurt to walk. I was really frustrated. Part of me felt like I jinxed myself because I gave a health update and brought the whole situation to the forefront of my mind. Sounds silly, but the question that kept going through my mind was - Why now? The pain has gradually been getting worse over the past 6 weeks, but this was the worst it has been in months. I'm talking nearly going to the hospital and wishing I was crazy enough to cut myself open and just take the damn fibroids out myself. Yes. Drastic, I know. But I swear that's all I was thinking.

There are many emotions that can revolve around experiencing pain. Sadness. Frustration. Anxiety. Irritation.

My main feeling: Anger.

I get angry because I feel like I've worked too damn hard on my health to be suffering from a health consequence.

I know that I can be stubborn sometimes (or maybe a lot?), but that stubbornness really comes out when I'm put in a situation that I feel like I can't control - one that I desperately want to control.

I try to focus on thoughts of not being defeated - This will not get me down. I will not stop. I will keep going. It's only pain. I will not be defined/constrained/limited by this. {At the same time, it really fucking hurts.}

I know that before when I would experience terrible, terrible cramps, my inclination would be to just curl up in a ball, try to sleep, and just wait for the feeling to pass (assisted by lots of painkillers). However, slowly, especially as I started signing up for classes like cardio kickboxing, I started to work through the pain. I'd have to really force myself to get up and go for my workout. Once there, I would just get on with my workout. It wouldn't always be comfortable, but it was never totally impossible (except for once. Once it was really, really bad.)

So in my mind I was trying to convince myself to do a bit of exercise. Perhaps once I started moving and got into something else, it would distract me from my pain.

I did my Sunday circuit at home (I forced myself; it was really tough and not enjoyable at all - I skipped the burpees).

The big test came with Jiujitsu class. I really, really wanted to go, but I knew that it would be tough. All that moving around on the ground, swinging your arms/legs around -- ugh. Today was not the best day for it at all.

However, I love Jiujitsu. I've paid for the classes. I really like the instructor, and I didn't want to miss his class. So, I got ready and I went. I ended up being the only one in class (again). I was actually ok with it because I felt like I couldn't really focus on anyone else. He did have another guy come in - someone to assist him - and we practiced together.

The warm-up was tough. Sitting on the ground and doing the stretches was really painful. Yet I refuse to show weakness (though at one point tears almost sprang to my eyes). I didn't want him to know I was in pain. I didn't want to admit that I was feeling sub-par. If I had had an injury or it was something serious, then I would have said something. But this was just pain. It's not like the fibroids were going to burst (if only!) or anything. So I just got on with it.

By the time we started practicing techniques, I was all warmed up and I could feel my adrenaline building. I think that's what helped me get through the class. It was great. I'm so glad I went.

Unfortunately, within half an hour of cooling down and heading home, the pain came back. I almost couldn't drive home. I was so miserable. (Maybe I should have started exercising again!)

------------------

Sunday involved several painkillers. I called my acupuncturist to set up an appointment for pain management. She can't see me until Oct. 22!!! I'm on the wait list in case anything opens up, but in the meantime, I'm going to have to see how I can get on -- and try to stay off the painkillers.

Thankfully I felt better today. No painkillers necessary. I did get a good night's sleep, and although I was busy all day, I tried to keep my stress levels low and relax as much as possible. Only mild exercise today (walking plus stretching).

It's now really time for me to come up with a solution for this pain. I don't want to have another day like this at all.

Stuck

I woke up this morning with an incredibly stiff neck. I couldn't move my neck or shoulders at all. It was SO painful. I must have slept on it wrong ...

It was so annoying, because once again it felt like an obstacle/set back ... something that wouldn't make the day go as planned.

I took my time leaving the house, hoping that just moving around a little would warm up my body and loosen my neck muscle up. Over time it eased up a little, but it was still stiff.

I made it to the gym by 9 a.m., and I guess my stiff neck was really noticeable because everyone asked what was wrong. I have to say, my neck may have been stuck, but my posture was perfect all day!

I didn't want to attempt weights with my neck like that so I headed to the cross-trainer. I finished 1 hour (4.96 miles - wish I had made it to 5!!) and then did one set of squats. I know that placing the bar on the back of my neck seems strange, but I figured it was just a stiff neck, not an injury. Besides, it was only 3 sets of 15 (I completed it at 50 kg). I knew I could do the rest of the weights workout at home if my neck healed so I ended my workout at that point.

Luckily I had an acupuncture. I told my acupuncturist (who is also a physical therapist) about my neck - though I didn't need to say anything because she noticed something was wrong right away. She did some EMS (electrical muscle stimulation with needles) treatment and put some heat on my back/shoulder. It helped. She also gave me some neck stretching exercises to do to hopefully loosen it up. I really want the pain to be gone before I travel on Thursday!!

---- 

So far the week has been good in terms of my workouts. It has felt great to get back into the gym.

Sunday:
1.5 hours of weights - it was a good lifting session
1 hour on the cross-trainer

Monday:
45 minutes on the treadmill, 25 of which was HIIT. I haven't done HIIT in a while and it felt awesome. I was happy to be able to pick up my speed quite a bit and work up a great sweat.
1 hour Body Balance class

Tuesday:
1 hour cross-trainer + 3 sets of squats (I didn't feel better so I didn't do anymore weights at night)

That was a Surprise!

When I woke up this morning I was in so much pain and discomfort from bloating and cramps that I couldn't even stand up straight and walk or breathe properly. I was actually in more discomfort than pain. The bloating felt like my stomach was about to pop; it was terrible.

I sat on the couch in the living room for a while, trying to will myself to go to the gym and just walk because light exercise can help relieve cramping ... but the bloating was just too much (way more than the cramping) and the dizziness and nausea made me feel like trying to attempt any exercise at that moment in time would be a bad idea. So I went back to bed and slept for another hour or so and definitely felt much better by the time it was time to get up and go to work.

It was a short day at work today - just admin stuff. I'm really happy with how my students did on their final exam. Their overall grades for the semester are great :) Yes, definitely pleased with how this term went. Just a few more days until summer vacation ... can't wait!

I just relaxed in the afternoon. Today was supposed to be my first proper Kajukenbo class and I didn't want to miss my first day. The bloating and pressure had gone down a bit. I knew the main thing that I had to do was fix my mind -- if I was going to go to class then I'd have to just suck it up and do my very, very best. No excuses. Just do it.

I went, and I think I did great. It was just me and another girl. She had been doing Kajukenbo for 2-3 months. The first thing I noticed when I saw her was that she was thin, and I thought, damn. Here I am, still the fat one in the class. Blah.

The first half hour of the class was warm-up: burpees, tons of jumping jacks, mountain climbers, running, tire flips, tire/hammer swings etc. Whatever he asked us to do, I did. It was really tiring, but it was good. I felt like my workout at CrossFit have really  helped me build up my endurance, though of course there's a lot more work to be done. I felt most proud when we got to the jump rope section. I think I jumped for about 5 minutes straight. In the meantime, the other girl couldn't even do a few skips. It seemed like she had never jumped before (perhaps she hadn't). So for the entire time that she was trying, I was continuously skipping. I felt good.

Something new we tried was rolling on the ground - basically somersaults but without putting our head on the ground. It was tough and intimidating. I tried - didn't do a very good job (was more rolling to the side than the front) but I tried.

After that we worked on punching and kicking, my favorite part. We don't wear any handwraps or gloves, so it's straight punching on the pads. I'm fine with that, but it definitely hurts more when trying to use both power and speed. I gotta watch my wrist positioning and work on improving my wrist strength.

Then finally ... he had us stand in fighting stance ... and that's when I saw him get the baton -- a 2 foot long hard plastic baton ... and I knew what was coming next. He had us raise our arms up, exposing our abdomen.

As he approached me I just looked straight ahead. I tightened my abs and I focused on my breathing. He said he was going to hit my abdominal area once for me to get an idea of how it feels. I didn't say anything, just stood there concentrating.

Whap!

Fuck that hurt.

I didn't flinch. I didn't move. I just breathed ... and at the same time I was thinking, holy shit, did that just happen?

He did the same to her and she yelled.

He came back to me and hit twice.

Whap! Whap!

Same thing. No reaction from me. Just me talking to myself in my head - staying calm, staying focused, this is only something physical. If you trust your coach, then you trust them 100%. I knew he was not trying to hurt me, and I knew that if I was going to do this - If I was really going to try and become a fighter in some shape or form, then I was going to have to learn how to take pain.

For me, this was lesson #1, and I was really happy with my performance.

So yes, this whole part of the lesson was definitely a surprise! 

------- 
Not much appetite today ...

Breakfast: The usual - banana, peanut butter, 1 date + a cup of green tea (not pictured)

Lunch: Grilled chicken with tabbuleh salad

Dinner: King Fish on the George Foreman grill with steamed carrots and string beans 

Dessert: Papaya (12 pieces)

Today:
- Workouts:

• Kajukenbo at KOK (1 hour)
• Stretching: 15 minutes
• Burpees: 10 {total: 3,730/20,130}
• Squats Day 7: Rest Day

- Food:

• Breakfast: banana, peanut butter, date, green eat
• Lunch: grilled chicken with salad
• Dinner: grilled king fish with steamed vegetables
• Snack: papaya

- Other: Booked my London hotel! :)

Moody

I just got back from the doctor's office about my health issues. The news wasn't great. I don't want to get into it now. It's a struggle enough to try and handle it just in my head. All I'll say is that there have been many tears shed. I plan on spending the rest of the afternoon curled up under a blanket. Today my mind and I just want a break from everything.

Perhaps it would be good for me to push through and go to taekwondo class tonight. To be honest, I just don't want to go tonight. I know that I'm totally unfocused and I really don't want to be around other people right now. At least I had a good workout this morning.


Today's Workout
Cardio: 20 minutes cross-trainer; 20 minutes treadmill - HIIT
Weights: NROL Workout B4
Stretching: 15 minutes
Burpees: 40 {challenge total: 1,000}

Today's Food
Breakfast: 1 tablespoon of peanut butter & 1 banana; 3 egg muffins & 1/2 an avocado
Lunch: *skipped*
Dinner: Shrimp coconut curry
Snacks: 3 dates and a few raw nuts

Am wallowing a bit now, but I'll get over it ... and most importantly, I'm not going to eat my feelings - this way I won't wake up tomorrow feeling depressed & feeling like shit for eating crappy food. At least the mood will probably lift after a good night's sleep ... junk food will stay attached to my ass for a long time!

Doing What Needed to be Done

Here we go - the proper beginning of a new semester and the start of a 7-week stretch in which I hope I can accomplish a lot. Like the beginning of any routine, there were a few teething problems, but overall I had quite a productive day.

It's been a while since I woke up at 4:45 a.m. but I still felt a bit rushed. I may have to make that time 4:30 a.m. in order to get stuff done and not feel frantic. I hate feeling frantic in the morning. Even though I had a lot of things prepared the night before - my gym bag & my work clothes - there were things that I didn't get to. Namely preparing my veggies for my usual egg muffins and also finishing preparing the worksheets and handouts that I needed for class today. I had to forgo making the muffins and just get my work done in order to make it out of the house at 6:15 and head to the gym.

I had a great workout this morning, but again, I need to probably get to the gym 5-10 minutes earlier because I was rushed towards the end of my workout.

I got to the gym at 6:45 a.m. and did:
5 minutes warm-up/dynamic stretching
20 minutes on the cross-trainer
40 minutes weights - New Rules Workout B3
--- here's where it started to get off track
 I completed my burpees and decided to restart the leg extension exercises that my doctor prescribed for me to strengthen my leg muscles (particularly because my left knee cap is slightly dislocated). This took time that I had not planned for. As a result, I had to shorted the 19 minute interval cardio session that I wanted to do after my weights to just 12 minutes. [It's part of the program that I'm following].

The worst part is that I didn't stretch or cool down properly aside from walking for the 3 minutes on the treadmill before jumping off.

I don't want to skip the post-workout stretch. I think I'll save the physio exercises for the days when I'm not doing weights because I have a bit more time on those days. Plus I do have the leg extension equipment at home so I can always just bang out those three sets of 10 reps in the middle of my day or whenever I've got 10 minutes - it doesn't take too long.

In any case, I left the gym at 9:10 a.m. and was at my desk by 9:30 a.m. I'm so glad traffic wasn't a problem!

Work was great. Last week was kind of a wash so I pretty much started fresh from today. Hopefully I set up a positive, motivating tone for the rest of the semester.


I had a LOT to get done this afternoon/evening. Part of it was prep for classes and the other part had to do with my research. I'm starting my first round of interviews for the new project that I'm working on. There was a lot more that needed to be done than I realized ...

Unfortunately as a consequence, I didn't go to taekwondo/BJJ class. Of course I wanted to go, but at the same time I knew I had to get this work done. Also, even though I pushed through and went to class on Thursday, I really wasn't comfortable in class while I had my period. I didn't enjoy it and kinda had a looming sense of dread before, during, and after the class ... why put myself through that again?

To end on a positive note:
The pain from my cramps for the past four months have been bad. They've been excruciating since October - to the point where, aside from the pain, I'm nauseous and extremely dizzy. Within the first 72 hours, I usually take around 20 painkillers ...

This month, I've hardly had any pain. I have needed to take painkillers - I took 6 on Thursday, 2 on Friday, and 2 on Saturday - but that's it. That's it!

Previously on a pain scale of 1-10 I would rank my pain at a 15, no exaggeration. This month, I'd put it at a 7 max.

Could the acupuncture be working? I've only had 2 sessions. Of everything in my life, that's the only thing that's really changed ... could it really be working???

All I know is that I feel really relieved. Not all my health problems have been resolved (I have an appointment with a new doctor on Thursday), but not being in terrible pain has been such a relief. No tears or depression this time. There was some pain and definitely discomfort and bloating etc, but what a difference ... I'm really happy. I've got another acupuncture session tomorrow.

Today's Workout
Cardio: 32 minutes total (mix of cross-trainer and treadmill)
Weights: NROL Workout B3
Stretching: 5 minutes
Burpees: 60 {challenge total: 840/20,130}

Today's Food
Breakfast: 3 dates, 1 banana, 1 apple, 1 tablespoon of peanut butter (eaten over a span of 3 hours)
Lunch: curried potatoes and rice (the last of the leftovers - too many carbs!)
Dinner: baked scallops with edamame and sweet potato (new recipe)

Leftovers etc. are finally done, the goodies that D's parents didn't finish from their welcome basket made their way into the house, but they have been put out of sight - I'm totally done with carbs and sugar. I made too many little exceptions last week. Even though I know I kicked ass with my exercise, we've all heard it before - You can't out train a bad diet. So now it's all coming together. *Whew*

Still Getting Sorted!

I didn't make it to the gym today. I try my best to workout even when I've got terrible cramps, but today it just wasn't happening. My cramps were excruciating (to the point of almost passing out). Add the fatigue of only getting 3 hours of sleep from the night before ... it just wasn't happening. I don't like taking days off from the gym, but sometimes that's the way it works out. I know I have the discipline to keep up with my routine. Today my body said no so I listened. So, I took it relatively easy through the day but did manage to get quite a few things organized.

Clothes
I'm still sorting through clothes. I really didn't know I had so many. I feel like I've been throwing clothes out for months. Actually now I'm giving away my clothes from last winter and I'm also letting go of even more summer/fall clothes that I clung on to from before. Slowly but surely I'm getting the hang of this. What was wonderful was fitting into several clothes that I had bought ages ago and fitting into them with some room to spare. Some will be taken to the tailor to be altered, others can be worn as is, and some need to be donated as well.

2013 Goals
I also sat down and worked on figuring out my goals for 2013. I've signed up for Rebecca's 13 in 13 challenge (click here to join) to help me stay focused next year. I've come up with 10 goals so far; I need to figure out 3 more. I'm trying to be as specific as possible, and I'm also writing down consequences for not reaching any goals (if that happens).

Food Plan
My menu for the week has been written out. I have two social events next week that I have to work around, but other than that, it should be a smooth start to 2013. As always, planning is key!

Nutrition Studies
I have been a total slacker when it has come to my Specialist in Fitness Nutrition course (through the International Sports Science Association). I finally sat down and went through the module and completed the first quiz:

I'm such a nerd (and proud of it) :) So, it's a good start. Completing this course is definitely a goal for 2013!

I'm struggling with structuring my workout schedule for next year as timings are changing for some of the classes, and they're clashing with other classes ... I really need to figure out what I'll be doing and when ... and in a way that doesn't leave me broke!

Downhill

Today started off really well --

I did my yoga this morning, which felt much better than yesterday.
I then received feedback from my supervisor that the writing I've been working on was really good.

The main task for today was to set the menu for the week and stock up the fridge -- did both of those - and then I had some errands to run. That's when things kinda started going downhill. I was stuck in traffic for ages; my cramps started to get worse, and then I just started losing my energy and feeling completely drained.

The rest of the day crawled by. I managed to get my minimum 10-minutes exercise in for the Whole Life Challenge, and after that I spent most of the day whining - did a bit of work, but mainly counted the minutes until I could just get to bed.

What annoyed me was that after all the menu planning I just didn't feel up to cooking what I had planned for dinner (too much prep). However, the good thing is that with a fridge stocked with only healthy ingredients, pretty much any combination of foods will be healthy. Not bringing any junk food in the house whatsoever has been a really helpful to staying on track. Though I have to admit, I wish I had enough will-power to just say no if there was a bag of Doritos in the house. Why is it that even knowing how unhealthy they are I'd still probably reach for them? Oh well, that'll be something to work on at another time.

Shrimp over some sauteed sweet potato, bell peppers, sugar snap peas, and mushrooms for dinner tonight. Filling and comforting.

Been on painkillers since yesterday. I hope today/tomorrow will be the last day I'll need them. I want my energy back! 

Trying to be Optimistic

I woke up at 4:00 a.m. this Saturday morning. Nothing too unusual about that, but ideally I would have liked to sleep in a little more given that it's a weekend. Still, my desk was beckoning so after my yoga, which didn't feel as good as it did yesterday, I started to work.

I kept telling myself - come on. Get through it. Just put your head down and work ... however that forced determination and hope soon turned to bitterness, angst, and stress.

On top of all that, my pain, which has been at about a 9 for the past 3 days, finally went through the roof today. It was hard not to take a bunch of painkillers and just lie under my comfortable all day.

It really was a shitty day.

Still, I'm getting better and better at compartmentalizing my moods. It's almost like when I'm in a shitty mood eating right and exercising are a way to tell my negative, moody self 'Screw you. You're not going to get me down. You're not going to make me binge. I'm stronger than that.'

I didn't binge. I didn't eat off plan. I actually didn't eat much at all because I was feeling crappy, but I did have 3 small meals and munched on a few raw nuts and raisins while working at my desk.

I didn't go to CrossFit today and I am pissed that I missed it ... at the same time I do think it was the sensible thing to do. Instead I grabbed some hand weights and my kettlebells and my Bosu and did some upper body resistance & balance/abs exercises. It wasn't much, but I at least wanted to get in half an hour of exercise.

The main sign that things were really off for me today was the fact that my mood didn't really get better after exercise. I usually feel great, but today I just felt blah. I'm way too stressed about this upcoming deadline and my stupid pain.

I will not, however, dwell on all the negative thoughts that have been on my mind all day (it's amazing how sometimes 1 negative thought multiplies into 1,000) and focus instead of a some happy/positive things that have been happening lately.

First of all, today marks the beginning of the last week of the Whole Life Challenge. Once I put in my scores for the day I saw that I was ranked 4th out of 7,099 people participating internationally -- that's pretty good, isn't it?

Second of all, yesterday I got to try out my new boxing shoes during our session. They were great though I do need to get socks that go higher than my ankle.

And just for the heck of it, here's a picture of me in my Halloween costume. It's actually one I bought for last year, but given my surgery, I didn't go to any parties. This year I had a lovely time and though the costume was a bit big (had to make some adjustments), I'm glad I got to wear it (though now what do I do with it?!)

Tomorrow will be a better day. It has to be.

Understanding Pain and Limitations

Last night I felt an excruciating pain around my left shoulder blade. It traveled up to my neck and even down to the top of my breast-bone. I couldn't move my neck at all. It was so bloody painful.

I got about an hour of sleep because I just couldn't find a position that I could like down in without pain. I was pretty much in tears.

Despite the terrible pain I didn't think that it was a serious injury. I just felt like I had either pulled a muscle or sprained a muscle.

The only thing I could think of was the soreness I felt on Wednesday (from having my head in an awkward position for a few hours - long story) that was perhaps exacerbated by the fact that I didn't help it heal along with the 50kg bench press yesterday.

Of course my first thought was - Will I be able to workout at CrossFit today? I would be gutted to miss a session, especially when I feel like I've been making progress.

I started taking an anti-inflammatory medicine and using the massage ball to loosen up the knots. Whenever I did that, I felt better for about an hour before the pain would come back.

Luckily by early afternoon I was feeling a bit better and I managed to take a nice, deep 1-hour nap after which my muscles felt much more relaxed.

I did end up going to CrossFit. Our Coach modified some of the exercises so as not to aggravate the pain, though it was definitely much better than before. I used the foam roller for the first time - loved it! I felt like it really worked my muscles/tissues. It definitely helped.

Today's workout:
Strength focus - military presses - struggled at 30kg without using my knees & tire flips - love them!
We also did deadlifts - 3/minute. I lifted 90kg (198lb) and managed to complete 26 in 10 minutes. Doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you - it's heavy! I was dripping with sweat after I was done.

Our WOD: 3 rounds @ 21x15x9 reps
- Overhead squats
- Hand release push-ups --- but I did crunches so as to take pressure off my shoulder blades
- Burpees (without push-ups for me)

Felt good!

Today is Day 8 of the Whole Life Challenge and marks the start of Week 2 of the 8 Week challenge and I'm absolutely loving it. I've earned full points each day and also got all the bonus points for the week.

I've started to wonder a bit about how things will be once the challenge is over, but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. I just want to take it one week at a time and survive the 8-weeks. Then I can figure out what habits I want to keep/change/omit. For now, I'm hoping for another perfect week!

Positive People

Right after I published my last post I read someone's blog who wrote that they had fallen off the wagon AGAIN. Another stop at another fast food joint and not only are the person's life problems still the same, now there's an additional 1,500 calories of toxic shit floating around in the person's stomach. I've left several encouraging comments in the past, but with each setback, it has become harder. I can't bring myself to write - What the fuck. Stop acting like an undisciplined child who has no sense! - I just can't. If you're not accountable to yourself, then what good is a stranger reprimanding you for eating shit going to do? Nothing.

So after months and months of reading about this person finding a deep resolve to lose weight and then soon after finding comfort in a bucket of fried chicken, I have decided that the blog will join the others in the trash as reading those types of entries is bad energy as far as I'm concerned. I want to surround myself with positive people who are trying hard on a daily basis to fight this condition. They take it seriously. They are demonstrating determination and discipline. They are actually going through the process without finding excuses for failure or knowingly sabotaging their efforts with the 'one can't hurt' mentality (because it's never really just one with a food addict).

I've had many setbacks. Obviously, or I wouldn't still be overweight, but I'm heading in the right direction and the last thing I need is negative, pessimistic energy around me.

I haven't worked out in a week now and I am going insane and driving D insane too. I just trying to hold on until tomorrow. If I can take deep, deep breaths tomorrow without feeling any tightness in my chest at all, then I'll do something - anything!! At the moment, I'm just trying to ignore the fact that yet another day as gone without a workout because all I keep thinking is - I've lost muscle, I've lost strength, I've gained weight, all that work, down the drain --- dramatic, yes, but it's my drama and my current state of mind.

To make things worse, last night I was in excruciating pain from my fibroids [new post on my health issues here]. It was the worst I felt in a long time. We almost went to the hospital, but I just breathed through it - not easy with bronchitis! Today the pain is not as bad but it's been more frequent all day. I wonder why it's happening now. I wonder if the lack of activity plus the contractions from the coughing is affecting me internally somehow. I just want it all to go away.

Ok, enough with the complaining. Got some grilled veggies and soup on the menu for tonight. I just want a good night's sleep and to feel strong and ready to workout tomorrow.

Physical vs. Mental

Those cramps that I was so happy not to be feeling yesterday came in today with a vengeance and had me doubled over in pain. This time I'm determined not to let it get me mentally down because it can be so demoralizing and depressing. I want to keep the physical pain separate from the mental anguish. When the two go together, I really do fall into a miserable state.

I think making this distinction was a very important step for me, especially when I know that this pain is something I'll have to endure on a regular basis. I know that some days (like today) the pain will truly be too much for me to push through. On these kinds of days I plan on resting and making the best choices possible in all other areas of my life.

I've definitely gotten better at listening to my body. Sometimes there's a fine line between feeling pain/discomfort but pushing through any way and feeling pain/discomfort but knowing it's time to back off. I can't always tell the difference. I do think that it's easy to fall into the trap of backing off without giving it your all. Still, I'm trying. I know that I would much rather be exercising than resting, so I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure that I get my workout in whenever possible.

The other part of this lesson is what I mentioned above - distinguishing between physical pain and mental anguish. I need to keep the two separate. Falling into depression and remembering all those things that brought me down post-surgery is dangerous. This time I'm trying not to let my mind wander into that dark place. I feel pain. Fine. I feel pain. I do not need to let the negative thoughts add to the pain.

I know that I cannot keep letting myself spiral downwards on a monthly basis. It takes way too much effort to pick myself up again. I don't want to waste that type of time anymore. There are so many other things that need my attention.

Today marks the start of my attempt at this new attitude.

When I woke up this morning, I was in so much pain - I couldn't even rank it on a scale. Still, I put my clothes together in my gym bag, just in case. I took it easy leaving the house and told myself - get some errands done. They'll be a distraction. If I can make it to the gym, great. If not, then at least get other things done. That's what ended up happening. I managed to cross of eleven things on my list of things to do. I rested this afternoon, and then made some Marrakesh Vegetable 'Curry' as well as some quinoa mixed with peas and carrots for dinner. I did have to take 6 painkillers to get me through the day, but other than that, I feel like I accomplished a lot. I'm taking my final 2 painkillers now and heading to bed for an early night. Fingers crossed that I feel both physically and mentally strong tomorrow.

Falling into Place

I wasn't sure how today would turn out, especially since I had a rough night with cramps that kept waking me up every hour. Still, I'm thankful that they're not as bad as they've been in the previous two months. It's still incredibly uncomfortable and quite painful, but I'm not doubled over in pain. I'm definitely counting my blessings for that!

However, aside from that, the rest of today was pretty good. I wrapped up my final grades for the semester. It's always such a good feeling to turn in the student folders. The semester doesn't end until Thursday, but at least the main work is done.

I got several errands crossed off my to-do list today. It was all a matter of sitting down and getting them done. Most exciting of all is that I finally got my driver's license!!! Let me clarify. I got my license years ago, but it expired in April 2011. I had never even thought to check when my license would expire, but when I did happen to take a look at it in November 2011, I was mortified to find that it had expired in April. Still, I was in the middle of PhD hell at that time and I thought, screw it, I'll take a risk. I know, I know. Terrible. Still, I did it ... and today, I finally got my new license (and it expires in 2022, so if I'm still blogging in ten years, do remind me lol). Anyway. This was on my list of things to do at the beginning of this summer challenge. I very, very, very happy that I'm finally driving legally ... now I just need to take care of my car's registration papers. I think it'll have to wait until after Mexico. One step at a time!

Despite the cramps and extreme bloating (I can go up almost 2 dress sizes when I've got my period, that's how bad the bloating is!), I went to CrossFit. One of the main motivations was that our Coach has started a group on Whatsapp (free text-messaging service) so all the CrossFitters are constantly in touch. It's hard to back out of exercise when you've got that kind of reminder right in your face - Class is on at 4. Don't give up. Try your best.

So I thought, what the hell. Let me go. If there's anything that makes me feel too horrible, I can always stop.

Luckily, I didn't have to stop. Everything was fine. Our WOD was not bad - though the total of 45 burpees definitely felt like torture. We did 15 bench presses, 10 burpees, 15 pull ups, 15 burpees, 10 push presses, and 20 burpees. I got through it, but of course I still have a lot of room for improvement.

Although I did feel uncomfortable (in terms of my cramps) after the workout, mentally I felt good. I'm so glad I pushed through and I went. I showed up. That was my important accomplishment of the day.

Other big news -- D's graduation present to me has finally arrived --- Tickets to see Madonna in Abu Dhabi!!! :) I have been wanting to see Madonna ever since I first heard of her in the 80's. It has been my dream, and finally it's going to come true :) Everything is in place, tickets, hotel, visa, and now the concert ticket. We've been waiting anxiously for them to arrive. I had tears in my eyes when he put them in my hands this evening. Excited doesn't even begin to cover it :D

I wrapped up the evening with a night out with some girl friends. The weather was perfect. We went to a little cafe on the seafront. It was so tranquil. It was just what I needed.

That dizziness is starting to disappear. I can't wait for it to be completely gone. 

Giving it a Go

I'm so glad I didn't have to teach today because after yesterday's late night, I really needed some sleep. That being said, I was up by 6:30 am anyway, but at least I had a bit of a relaxing morning instead of having to rush out of the house. In fact, I knew that I didn't have to rush out of the house for anything at all ... except for the gym.

I have a ton of work that needs to be completed before my trip to England next week. The anxiety about my upcoming viva is definitely starting to hit me. So I had to make a decision - stay home and work all day, go to the gym and then work, work and then go to the gym ... what?

Although I still wasn't feeling great, I knew that skipping the gym for a 3rd day would make me feel even worse. My plan was to do Workout 2 of NROL4W Stage 7. I felt a bit overwhelmed with it because the last workout was so intense. Would I be able to manage? I started to panic and then I just mentally shook myself and said - Go to the gym. Try. If you feel too terrible and can't lift weights or don't feel like walking/jogging, then don't. But at least try.

I'm so glad I did. I don't know where this positive inner voice is coming from, but I'm so glad it's there and it is courageous (and bossy) enough to speak up!

I walked my 1 km warm-up. Jogging was out of the question with all my bloating, cramps, and water retention! Then I headed to the weight room.

I bench pressed 40 kg (88 lbs) today!! That's the most I've ever bench pressed, and I was so proud!
I did low rows (55 kg/121 lbs); then 4 sets alternating 20 squats (with 12.5 kg (27.5 lb) weights in each hand and 20 shoulder presses with 8 kg (17.5 lb) weights in each hand. I struggled with the last two sets of shoulder presses and only managed 15 reps. My form just started to suck big time! Then 4 sets alternating step ups and underhand lat pulls. Simple exercises, but I tell you, they really wiped me out. The step ups got my heart rate so high, and I was only holding 5 kg (11 lb) weights in each hand. It was just the quick motion and the height of the steps I guess. The lat pulls weren't easy either. Since I was doing 20 reps, I only pulled 30 kg (66 lbs). The last few reps of each set were tough. My forearms were burning ... but I got through the whole workout, and although I felt a bit sick afterwards, I still felt good - does that make sense?

I wanted to get a bit more cardio in so I walked 5 km at an easy pace. I didn't want to push myself, but I did want to get my heart rate up and my legs moving.

So overall, I'm so happy I went in to the gym. I spent the rest of the afternoon at a cafe reading through my thesis, and I've made quite a bit of progress. I still have a ton of papers to grade (ugh, worst part of teaching for sure!!), but they'll just have to wait until tomorrow.

Had dinner out with the in-laws this evening. I tried my best to watch what I ate, but I know in the end I ate more than usual. I hope all this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass on Sunday - again! We'll see!

Easing the Pain

I was a no show at the gym today as well. The pain from my cramps has been increasing since February. Both last month and this month it has been so bad that I've felt very faint and vomited from the intensity. It's depressing to see my symptoms worsen each month ... and I know that my condition is not improving. I don't write about the pain each time I feel it because that would mean I'd be writing about it on a daily basis ... yes, I feel bad abdominal pain every single day. Some days are worse than others ... but at the moment, my hands are tied. I just have to deal with it as my ever-so-kind doctor said.

(I know that there are quite a few readers to this blog, so if you want an idea of what I'm going through, you can get the basic details here, and then read what happened here, followed by this post describing how I feel on a fairly regular basis, but I try to suppress it and/or just move forward.)

Anyway.

I would have liked to have gone to the gym, but I wasn't up to it ... I know I'll get back into it tomorrow. Exercise has become part of my routine/lifestyle now, so I'm not afraid that this is going to lead to a huge absence from the gym. I'm not feeling well. I need to rest.

The highlight of my day -- I finally had a terrific catch up session with my BFF. We haven't had a proper sit down in quite a while ... but today's 7-hour afternoon to almost midnight chat was a much needed, very cathartic and highly enjoyable break.  It was the best drug out there to help me get rid of the pain -- but also highly addictive ;)

Taking a (Painful) Break

I didn't go to the gym today. I just couldn't.

When I woke up this morning the migraine that started two days still hadn't let up, my throat was sore, I had a runny nose, my back was killing me, and I had the worst cramps ever. (Not to mention all the aches from yesterday's crazy workout). I normally try to push through the cramps, but it was the rest of the symptoms that made me think otherwise this time ... and seeing how the cramps and dizziness worsened over the day, I know I made the right choice.

So since I didn't workout today, let me tell you about yesterday.

I started Stage 7 of NROL4W yesterday. It's the last stage in the program, and I have to say, I am so proud of myself for sticking to the program over the past ten months! When I looked at Workout 1, I thought it wasn't going to be too bad. OMG - I can't even explain the type of sore I'm feeling, but this soreness is definitely a good type of sore.

2 sets of squats/8 reps each - set 1 @ 50 kg (110 lbs); set 2 @ 55 kg (121 lbs). I really tried to squat as low as possible. It was a bit of a struggle to stand up, especially with the last two reps, but other than that it was fine.

Alternating 4 sets and 20 reps of lunges (rear foot elevated on step) and push ups. I held 10 kg (22 lb) dumbbells in each hand for the first 3 sets of squats and then 12.5 kg (27.5 lbs) dumbbells for the final set. I'm really feeling the after effects of 80 lunges/leg today! OUCH!! I did all 80 push ups on my knees. I dropped all the way down for all of them, but the last 4-5 were a bit of a struggle.

Alternating 4 sets of 20 reps of barbell deadlifts and dumbbell bent-over rows. For the first 3 sets of deadlifts I used 30 kg (66 lbs) and for the final set I went up to 35 kg (77 lbs). I know that I can deadlift more weight ... but 20 reps is a LOT of reps. I struggled towards the end, but I did complete it. I used 7.5 kg (16.5 lbs) dumbbells in each hand for the rows, and then 10 kg (22 lbs.) dumbbells for the last set.

I underestimated how intense the workout was going to be. I worked up an incredible set, and I was also amazed at how high my heart rate got, particularly as I did the last few reps of each set. Still, overall it felt great, and I definitely felt strong.

I had intended to do workout 2 today, but I clearly need a day of rest before continuing the next weights workout.

On a side note, the in-laws and my parents came over for dinner tonight. To change things up I decided to cook what D and I would normally have for dinner to show them how we've been eating lately. So instead of the typical 7-8 dish spread that I would have made, I grilled some salmon and made a few veggie side dishes. Very low fat, but lots of flavor. It turned out really well -- but now I'm knackered. Taking another two painkillers and heading for bed now. I hope these cramps subside. Ugh.

One Step at a Time

Deep breath.

Today is a new day.

The pain is still there. The anxiety is still there. The struggle is still there ... but today is a new day. Things may be difficult, but I can try my best to make it through the day - just one step at a time.

Wake up.

Wash up.

Make the bed.

Have breakfast.

Gym or no gym? I hate working out during the TOM, but I've read, and have found, that doing some exercise does alleviate the cramps. Still, I wasn't sure.

An exercise instructor several years ago told me that the hardest part of working out is putting on your training shoes ... once you put on your shoes, it gets easier.

So, I decided to get dressed for the gym. I still had to pick my mom up from her house and drive her to work ... I had papers to grade so I decided, if my cramps are bad, I can sit at the cafe at the gym and grade for a bit until I feel like working out ... if I have no cramps, I can just workout, if I feel terrible all day, then I can just go home and rest. The final decision is mine -- but the very least I can do, is get ready for the gym.

Dropped mom to work.

Took the scenic route along the coast to the gym.

Parked, and since the pain killers had kicked in, decided to go ahead and exercise.

5 km on the cross-trainer followed by half hour of boxing training (which included skipping rope - am definitely improving in that area, which was nice to see). The training wasn't too intense. H just set me up with a routine that I could do on my own, otherwise I know that he would totally kick my ass. Still, I had a good workout -- it felt good to hit something and take some of my stress/anxiety out on the boxing bag!!

So anyway. Today doesn't feel as bad as yesterday. I'm taking things in stride and trying not to overwhelm myself with things that are out of my control.

Let's hope the rest of the day continues to go smoothly.

An Anxious Struggle

Part of the goal to get healthy is not just physical, it's emotional/mental too ... I left something out of Sunday's post, but seeing the morning/day that I've had, I think it's important for me to rewind a bit and briefly mention what happened.

The day had already been a struggle, and after posting my blog for the day, it didn't really improve. I got in the middle of some drama that left me feeling quite anxious -- add to that some extra tasks that I ended up having to do this week and I felt completely overwhelmed. The result = crying myself to sleep (from stress) and of course the insomnia I wrote about yesterday.

This morning I woke up feeling like crap. One thing that I realized is that the tears are probably a consequence of PMS, which became apparent after TOM just happened to occur 5 days early ... It's a bit of a relief because I've been having horrible cramps for the past week, plus I've been feeling incredibly bloated and heavy. After the amount of pain I was in last month I've really been dreading this. I just didn't feel ready to face the pain again -- and I've already written so many times about how much of a struggle all this is for me both physically and emotionally. Everything I wrote in The Last Rant back in November still holds true :(

For some reason, I just couldn't take it this morning. So I cried all the way to the gym, walked in and saw D (RPM trainer), who quickly pulled me aside and let me vent. I felt a bit better but wasn't sure how I was going to approach my workout ... part of me really didn't want to be there. I just wanted to escape -- but I didn't.

I got on the treadmill for my 1 km warm-up. For the first time ever I completed it in under 9 minutes. I didn't even think about my time or speed, I just went for it - ran when I wanted to (total of 4.5 minutes) and walked when I needed to ... seeing the time definitely gave me the energy boost I needed to complete Workout B1 of Stage 6 in NROL4W. It was a short workout - reverse lunges with dumbbell on shoulder (7 kg); dumbbell 2 point row (10 kg); dumbbell push press (8 kg/hand); back extension (72 kg -- sure did love seeing that stack of weights move up!); and incline reverse crunches -- followed by some other abs exercises and finishing off with another 1.5 km on the treadmill.

By the time I was showered and dressed I felt a bit more in control ...

Work was fine.

It just happened that a few of my girlfriends were meeting for lunch (they are usually caught up at work) so we enjoyed a pleasant lunch overlooking the sea ...

Everything sounds good, right?

I thought everything was fine, but then around 3:30 pm, I was driving and I suddenly felt like somebody had kicked me in the stomach. The pain was so intense that I thought I was going to pass out ... NOT the way you want to feel when driving! I made it home by 4:15 and threw up (sorry, gross). I was dizzy and shaking, my cramps were excruciating (even though I had taken meds at 1 pm).

I had to lie down ... I basically stayed in bed (except for a bit of time to post this blog) and rested. I was supposed to attend a lecture this evening, but I couldn't. There was no way I could drive, and definitely no way I could sit and concentrate on someone else speaking for a few hours. I just wanted silence. I have just been sitting/lying down in silence for the past few hours.

I just don't feel well. I don't feel calm and relaxed. I feel really, really anxious - and the fact that I can't seem to control this anxiety (which is being caused by external factors that really have me down - I'm still struggling with issues from last month) ... I'm sure all this anxiety is not helping my cramps. I'm really struggling.

It's tough because I feel like I escape at the gym - I can focus on my workouts and feel strong ... but when I leave the gym, the rest of the world, and the rest of my reality awaits me. I hate confrontation. I know I need to deal with these issues because they are already consuming me ... but they're not simple. Still, I know I have to do something -- I can't go on like this.

Getting Sorted

No work today!! Yay!! :) Since my students had their midterm exam yesterday, we all got today off to 'recuperate'! As tempting as it was to just laze the morning/afternoon away, I realized it was the perfect opportunity to tackle some of the tasks that I've set out for myself.

The only thing I had scheduled for today was a follow-up appointment with Dr. T. Unfortunately, he got pulled into emergency surgery so my appointment has been postponed until Saturday. I was a bit upset as I really wanted to get the go-ahead from him about resuming my workouts at my usual intensity ... but I'll have to wait for 2 more days. My leg is definitely feeling better, but I don't want to push it and injure myself unnecessarily. I will just have to wait until Saturday.

That aside, I finally took care of my car insurance -- I only recently realize it ran out in 2011. Ya, I know, that's terrible -- I was absolutely mortified when I found out, but I tell you, the PhD took over my life in a way that all of this stuff just didn't matter. In any case, it wasn't a problem at all, and the fine was only KD5 ($15) - whew. Now, I need to renew my license, which also expired last year -- yes, I know. It's at the top of my to-do list ... it's just that it's a hassle.

I also finally took care of some bank work. I absolutely hate going to the bank, but putting off this little task was costing me a butt load of money ... so I finally went and took care of it - SUCCESS!

Two big things done ... on to the workout.

I had set up a routine to follow while my leg recovered, and today was the last day of my weight training routine for the week. Here are the stats for the week:

Workout 1 (3/25)	3x12
1 point row	10 kg/arm
seated row	27 kg
shoulder press	8 kg/arm
lateral pull (wide)	41 kg
Swiss ball crunches	100
glute lifts	100
prone cobra	30
push ups	10
Workout 2 (3/27)	3x12
dead lifts	40 kg
cable wood chop	18/side
chest press	12/5 kg/arm
tricep extensions	18 kg
vertical traction	45 kg
sit ups	300
prone jackknife	30
lateral flexion	100/side
release/contract crunch w/5 kg weight	60
superman	100
Workout 3 (3/29)	3x12
bicep curls	7 kg/arm
underhand lat pull	41 kg
lateral raises	5 kg/arm
clean and press	8 kg/arm

Although this was a nice break from the NROL4W routine, I'm eager to get back to Stage 6 on Sunday! I'm almost through the whole lifting plan.

I didn't do any abs today as I've been feeling quite a bit of pain in my lower abdomen since Monday. I don't know if it is related to the fibroid pain or if it's just general soreness. Given the amount of pain I felt last month I just didn't want to take a chance. Anyway. We'll see how I feel tomorrow ...