Fighting it Out

I seem to be teetering between being courageous and feeling apprehensive about being courageous. I think the bottom line is that I know I want to be, and so I'm going to keep working towards that.

This mental flip-flop that I've been going through as well as my search for resolve have both reminded me at how much effort - constant vigilance - is required in this quest to get healthy. There is so much more than just the physical weight loss that I need to tackle. However, it is getting better.

I had an a-ha moment a week or so ago that I didn't write about because it didn't really have to do with physical fitness. However, I realize that it did have to do with being healthy - mentally healthy. I was caught in one of those situations where one of my friends said something to me that caught me off guard. It wasn't negative towards me, but it was something this person had kept hidden from me (there's way too much back story to get into right now, so a piecemeal summary will have to do for now). My first instinct was to Binge on Negative Thoughts (something I wrote about back in April).

However, I quickly stopped myself and said - No. This person did not say/do X to you because you're overweight or because you have no value. This person said/did this because that's the kind of person THEY are. They are the kind of person that feels the need to be shady, sneaky, evasive, or unmindful of my thoughts/feelings/time. It has nothing to do with me.

I don't like that my first reaction is still one that is negative, but it is something that I'm working on. Plus I'm not saying that this person/these people are bad; their priorities and focus are just in a different place. It has nothing to do with me.

Today was Day 1 of a Kajukenbo seminar series that is being held here in Kuwait. It was a really great experience for me, especially given all the things that I've recently been going through. We went over a few self-defense tactics during the seminar. One thing Grand Master Janice Somera said really resonated with me - it was about believing in yourself and believing that you are worth defending.

I remember not so long ago, I definitely didn't believe that. I had to chip away at that negative thought bit by bit. It sure didn't come naturally. On most days I lived on the 'fake it till you make it' mantra. Slowly, as I set goals and accomplished them, I started to believe in myself more.

I still get a bit shaky. I still look around for approval - from friends, from coaches, from everyone really. I still feel like I'm on the outside of the fitness world, even though I know I've accomplished so much (again, it has to do with reactions/actions/statements of others). It's ok though. Coming to terms with all of these things is part of the process.

So, I'm still working around all these thoughts. I imagine that this will go on for a while as there is not simple solution. The important thing is not to give up -- to keep moving forward and fight it out.

Powering Through

The thoughts of my experience from yesterday still lingered this morning. They were unsettling. I really want to get over my fear. Usually I jump right into it - no fear, just brutal confrontation. Apparently this time I'm not feeling so brave. I know that I will continue to face/fight my fear, but I think the emotional impact associated with this one is a bit more intense than my other hesitations.

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I have 2 more weeks left of summer vacation. Part of me just wants to stay at home, relax, organize, and veg on the couch. Another part of me thinks - this is your opportunity, hit the gym for long, long workouts.

I'm doing neither. I've already started to wake up at 4:40 in the morning (I'd usually wake up at 4:30, but the extra 10 minutes is coz' I'm on holiday lol). I had started my morning yoga routine, but during my days of mourning, I didn't do anything much at all. So today felt like more of a fresh start (sometimes it feels like I'm always starting over).

I was in my gym clothes by 5 a.m. (to do my yoga), so there really wasn't much reason for me not to head out of the house soon after I was done. The only thing that held me back was my own listlessness. I wanted to go to the gym, but I also wanted to stay home. I found it ironic that at one point I was commenting on fitness blog posts yet I was contemplating not going to the gym and maybe just doing a little something at home.

Man, sometimes my head is really messed up!

In any case, I finally made it to the gym and started my workout by 9:30 a.m.

Today's focus was weights -- squats, deadlift shrugs, split squats, and step-ups (4 sets of 10 reps for each exercise). It's been a long while since I've done any of those exercises. I already feel sore - I'm sure I'll feel it even more tomorrow!

My cardio sessions were good. I didn't do much, just a total of 30 minutes. This evening I plan on doing some BJJ training.

On a side note, the MMA training room is coming together! I'm excited :) I'll post pictures once it is done.

I wore my new Saucony sneakers today along with my new Under Armour training gear. I love the little lace detail! 

Fight, Flight, or Freeze

"Sit down on your knees in the front of the room. Put your hands on your lap, palms face down. Tilt your head downward. Close your eyes. Breathe. Wait."

I had to follow these instructions today at Kajukenbo class. I didn't want to do it. Coach knew I didn't want to do it. Although the main reason behind me doing self-defense/MMA is to face my fears and be able to stand my ground and protect myself, I still get scared. Most of that stems from when I was attacked when I was much younger. For years I never gave my back to anyone. I never sat with my back to the door; I always felt nervous when people were walking behind me. I've gotten over that now (though typing it out has made my pulse quicken).

I've been working through my apprehension of being attacked from the front - grabbed, choked, hit. I've gotten much better at that as I've learned to fight back.

Brazilian Jiujitsu (BJJ) was taking it to another level as I was putting myself in a vulnerable position - on the ground with an opponent on top of me.

The control I've learned through Jiujitsu has been amazing. My heart still races, but with each technique I learn, my confidence grows a little. I feel like I'm improving -- and that sense of control that BJJ provides and the knowledge of how to use your body to protect yourself has made it such a rewarding experience.

So front attacks and being mounted are two things that I've steadily been working on ... but allow someone to attack me from the back? You've got to be kidding me?

It was really hard for me to walk up to the front of the room and sit down. I didn't want to close my eyes. I didn't want to be there.

I wanted to run.

The attack came suddenly - one of the girls grabbed me from behind, like a bear hug (the coach was instructing the 'attacker' about what to do, so it wasn't random).

I froze.

For several seconds, I was absolutely still.
I couldn't move.
My heart was racing. Flashbacks were flying through my mind at a million miles an hour.
I could hear voices in the distance, instructions from the Coach as to what to do, but I couldn't hear it. I couldn't hear anything.
I lost touch with reality. I didn't know where I was or what was going on.

She pulled me to the ground, and that's when in a flash I was out of there. I turned inward and crawled out.

Again, I heard voices around me, but I couldn't hear. I was shaking and I had tears threatening to fall. Coach said I did good, but I was too overwhelmed. I didn't feel it. The flashbacks were still haunting me - the feeling of being attacked was too raw.

I was shaking so bad I could barely untie my belt. I had tears of fear in my eyes.

As emotional as it all was, I was also frustrated that I could be so vulnerable. I know that this is the first time I've ever put myself (been put) in such a situation, but still. I feel like I've been working towards getting over my fears for so long ... will it ever end?

My Coach's words, "Let's break this" rang in my ears. Of course I want to break through this fear, but I have a feeling that I have a long way to go.

I'm trying to stay positive and remind myself that this was the first step. I took it. I survived. I may have faltered a little, but I survived.

Feeling Proud!

I bloody well did it! I got my butt to the gym, got on the treadmill, cued Day 2 of Week 6 on C25K, warmed up for 5 minutes and then jogged for 20 minutes straight!

I have been feeling so intimidated by this 20-minute run, and now that it's done I have to say that I can't wait to get back on the treadmill and see what else I can do.

Music was definitely important during my jog. I also told myself not to look at the time or the distance or any number - just face forward and jog until you can't jog anymore ... and then dig deeper and finish the 20 minutes.

I did it! I am so happy.

The only issue I had during running was that my pants kept inching lower and lower! Well, my clothes getting too big for me are just another sign that everything is working out just fine.

I was on the treadmill for a total of 50 minutes - of that time I jogged for 20 minutes straight and then jogged for another 10 minutes at different intervals (sometimes just for 1 minute, sometimes for 2, sometimes for 30 seconds). So I jogged a total of 30 minutes. I'm so proud of that number!

On the C25K screen it said: "This is it! the big 20 minute run. Know that you are ready and the only thing you need to do is break a little sweat."

That's what I kept repeating to myself - You are ready for this. You can do this. This is just jogging - not anything tough like burpees for 20 minutes!

I also thought about a lot of people who inspire me, including many bloggers out there who are either already comfortable with their training or are on their way there -- I thought about Norma, Jenn, Kris, Caron, Tim, Rebecca as well as a few others who have been working hard and also helping me stay motivated (whether they know it or not). The last thing I would have wanted was to attempt Week 6, Day 2 and come back and say - I couldn't do it. No! I didn't want to let myself down or give others a chance to shake their head and say - Tsk tsk. If only she had tried harder.

Anyway.

I actually felt a bit emotional after finishing my run. I felt like everything that I've been doing - the early morning yoga sessions, the time at CrossFit and Body Balance, and most of all, the change in what I've been eating - has culminated in this success.

I'm not done - not by a long shot, but each success like this makes me feel a bit more confident. It makes me feel optimistic. Most of all, it reminds me that what may have felt like a sacrifice at one point or another, was totally worth it -- no slice of cake, piece of chocolate, or bowl of pasta will ever make me feel as good as I did after I finished running today. Why would I want to change that?

There's still lots to do, and I'm going to continue workin' it out!

Another Busy Week & GFFE Week 7 Summary

I barely remember anything from this past week except that it was stressful.

I think you can tell from my last few blog posts that having my dad here has not only changed up my schedule, but it has also wreaked havoc with my emotions.

The one thing I have realized is that I haven't figured 'it' all out yet. My lifestyle change is still a work in progress. The good thing is that I'm enjoying the process. It's been tough. It's been challenging. Above all, it's been rewarding. I'm now definitely more proactive in making positive changes in my life. I have more focus. I have more direction.

However, there are still lots of things that I need to work out - and most of them are emotional.

My lifestyle has changed. I have changed. So what does this mean? Does it have to mean anything?

I've heard that there are some people who worry about losing weight because they have always related to being overweight. That has been their identity and they fear not having that to fall back on.

I know that I don't have that fear, but I seem to have something else that is making me feel anxious.

I guess part of it is that even though I am making these changes for myself, and I am beyond happy with how things are going, I am still worried/concerned/aware of what others think of me. Perhaps the recent negative/ambivalent/somewhat unsupportive or enthusiastic responses towards my new lifestyle change has made me feel a bit hesitant or doubtful ... I don't know. I'm trying to figure it out.

Nonetheless, despite these issues that I need to work on, I know one thing is for sure -- I workout every single day and I eat well at every single meal.

Regardless of what else is going on in my life, these are two things that I do not want to compromise on - no matter what the cost.

I hope that I remain successful in these two tasks.

This week just flew by, but here's my Get Fit, Feel Epic Week 7 Update:

Week 7 (Oct. 15 - 21)

First of all, although I didn't set a weight target for this challenge, due to my progress in the Whole Life Challenge, I've been steadily losing weight. I lost another 2 lbs this week, making it a 15 lb. loss since Sept. 15th. I'm really happy about that & hope that I continue in the same manner!

1) C25K - I really, really wanted to complete Week 6 this week but it just didn't happen. I was achy all week from intense CrossFit workouts and I was never in a mentally focused place to give that 20 minute jog it's proper attention. I really hope that I push through and do it this coming week. There's not much time left and I still have 3 weeks of the program to complete!

2) Nutrition Studies - I got in one study session and managed to complete the first of 4 sections that I wanted to get through by the end of this challenge.

3) Core work - Better than last week. I managed 2/5 core work sessions. I really need to hit 5. Without a stronger core the rest of my workouts are suffering!

4) Balance - I attended 2 balance classes this morning but my morning yoga has been sacrificed while my dad has been here. I've been doing my daily 10-15 minutes of focused stretching, but I can't wait to get back to my regular yoga routine.

5) Gleason's - I'm halfway through week 3. I think I've just got 4 workouts left of the entire program. I should be able to finish it by the challenge. I had two proper boxing training sessions this week and part of the Gleason's routines were combined with those ... it's going well. I wish I had more time to focus on it more though.

This week's mini-challenge was to come up with a photo collage of different things. I will upload that tomorrow.

Dad is leaving tonight so we've got some last minute things to do ... and then I have to take him to the airport around 1 a.m. to catch his 3:45 a.m. flight. What a dreadful time! Not sure I'll get any sleep tonight (but what else is new?!)

Hope everyone has a terrific week!

Trends of the Past

Today didn't go exactly as planned.

A friend who I had not caught up with in a while asked to meet up, and we ended up spending 4 hours together. Then my father needed some help with some errands, so that took a few hours out of my day as well.

I ended up being late for CrossFit, which I was a bit disappointed by, but y'know, family comes first. Still, I made it, and my Coach made me do 7-min of straight burpees pretty much as soon as I walked in. I managed to do 80. That's by far the most I've ever done in a row. After that I had a 45-minutes boxing session, which felt great as always.


My thoughts for today were centered around how much past habits, trends, and experiences influence how we are at the moment -- and wondering how possible it is to move away from the negative things that have happened in our past in order for it not to lead to a negative present/future. A lot of these thoughts definitely stemmed from my conversation with my friend this morning as well as having my dad around the house and all the conflicts we've been having over eating patterns.

I spent many years being haunted by my past experiences. Whether it's because of what someone somewhere said to me - being teased, being hurt, being betrayed ... there have been life circumstances - certain childhood traumas, going through an invasion/war ... as well as family habits - using food as reward and celebration and not focusing on healthy eating habits.

I feel quite overwhelmed when I think about those things. There is so much that happened in the past ... but that's the thing I need to remember - it was the PAST.

I'm in a different place now.

In fact, I'm in a really different place than when I first started this blog just over a year ago.

Seeing these changes have been positive. They've given me the confidence to keep moving forward and not look back. So what if things happened to me? I'm not saying that they're not significant events - I've had different levels of trauma and abuse - but what's been the biggest change has been letting go of the fear that has been associated with those events.

They are in the past. I no longer need to be afraid of them because they've already happened -- and here I am. I have survived.

It's so easy to blame the past for how things are going right now. There may be some factors at play, but I don't want to get caught up in the fact that since chocolate was used as a reward when I was a child I need to have it now to celebrate because it brings back positive memories.

That's bullshit.

I'm an adult now. Surely, my thinking process has changed beyond the immediate gratification that we desire as children.

The switch in mentality didn't happen overnight. It's been a long process and not always a conscious one. In fact, the changes in my habits now didn't result from me directly thinking about the relationship between my past & present.

It was just about what I wanted NOW and what I needed to do to get it.

It was only after that realization that my current goals were so important to me that I decided to just move forward and work towards them.

It was this movement that helped me leave the past behind.

What happened before will always be a part of my life, but there is no need for it to be part of my present or future, especially not in a way that is negatively affecting my quality of life.

The difference between my dad's attitude towards food and mine has really illuminated how much I've changed ... for the better. I'm happy with those changes even if it means that I'll have to continue saying - No, I don't eat bread. No, I don't eat sugar. - Maybe one day it'll sink in, and even if it doesn't, I've realized it doesn't matter.

I'm living this life for me.
Right here. Right now.

Stressful Day

I've had another incredibly hectic day.

I was up at 2:00 a.m. (only 3 hours of sleep) mainly because I was stressed/anxious about things that I had to do during the day --- partly related to work (papers to grade/presentation to prepare) but mostly related to my dad's hospital visit. I couldn't stay in bed so I just started my day just after 2 a.m.

The good news is that everything that needed to get done today did get done. However, it came with a lot of stress and anxiety throughout the day.

I spent 4 hours with my father at the hospital. He's doing ok, but he could be better. On our way home, as he was coming up the stairs, he fell.

I'm not a parent, so I don't know how it feels to see your child get hurt ... but what I do know is that when I saw my father on the ground, my heart hurt so much - it was unbearable. I immediately ran to him and helped him up. He was quite shaken and unfortunately also cut up and bruised a bit. We cleaned up the cuts and I bandaged him up ... but I was shaken for the rest of the day. I didn't want to let him out of my site. Strange how the roles reverse as we get older ...

By 3 p.m. I was so exhausted that my body was hurting and shaking from lack of sleep and stress. I tried to lie down for a bit and did doze for a few minutes ... but it wasn't enough.

My biggest worry - I wanted to get a workout in, but would I be able to?

After de-stressing a bit with D, I pulled myself together and got in a Zumba workout. I felt much better after that - a good ass-shaking usually does that.

Despite all the stress I felt today, not once did I think about turning to food to help me cope. There's nothing that food would do to help make my day any easier ... I just stuck to my usual plan. It's starting to feel normal for me now, and that definitely feels good. I didn't have much of an appetite, but I made sure I ate. I don't want to get into the bad habit of skipping meals and letting my emotions dictate how and what I eat. Stuff happens all the time; I just gotta learn how to deal with it in a normal way. No more excuses. I'm enjoying my newfound health and wellbeing way too much to throw it away.

Full Day

I feel like every minute of my day was filled with something to do ... though I did manage to take an almost 1-hour nap this afternoon. My Coach said that I should schedule it in like an errand because not getting enough rest is affecting my performance.

Work was hectic. I lost all my files from my flash drive (damn computer virus on my work computer) and I had a massive stack of papers to grade that took me 4 hours to get through - I hate grading! Worst part of teaching for sure.

I went to Body Balance class to de-stress and get a proper stretch - something I really missed last week.

I spent some time with Dad, in between marking papers, washing the dishes, preparing our lunches, and prepping for dinner ... and then I headed off for a much needed break to CrossFit.

There's no doubt that I was tired, but I wanted to workout -- hmmmm little did I know our Coach was going to attack us with a 40 min WOD (3 WODs back to back).

It's always the initial fear factor of once you hear what the WOD is going to be that makes me hesitate. I think to myself - Will I be able to do this? It's really a lot. I'm not sure if I can handle it.

Our WOD:
Round 1:
Snatches + Burpees (4/8/12/16/20 reps alternating between the two exercises)

100 single jump rope skips

Round 2:
Cleans + hand-release push-ups (4/8/12/16/20 reps alternating between the two exercises)

100 single jump rope skips

Round 3:
Push press + pull ups (4/8/12/16/20 reps alternating between the two exercises)

That was our workout AFTER our warm-up (burpees and pull-ups, 5 rounds, though I can't remember how many reps each) and our strength training -- deadlifts - of which I managed KG140, but off a box, not off the floor; I tried KG150 but didn't get as straight as I would have liked to. Gotta work on my grip.


What was more exhausting that the WOD was being stuck in traffic for an hour and half on my way home. I was almost in tears from exhaustion, hunger, and frustration of just being stuck in traffic.

At a quick dinner - so glad I had prepared my salad beforehand - took a shower and then headed to bed.

So as I said, it's been a full day!

Didn't get my grading done so it'll be an early morning for me tomorrow for sure!

Facing Fears

I woke up this morning still feeling grumpy over last night's cake decision. Again, it's not about the cake, the calories, or the challenge ... it's about the decision itself and the thought process behind it.

I tried to let it go and tell myself that it's not a big deal. I'm not going to binge; it wasn't a trigger food; I'm not craving it; the healthy lifestyle that I've no adopted is not going to fall to pieces, etc.

Still, I obsessed over it for most of the day. I talked to D about it in the evening and I found it really difficult to explain what exactly was bothering me. Then it hit me - it has to do with fear.

I'm finding it difficult not to think ahead and wonder how my life is going to change (if it's going to change) after this challenge.

To be honest, I don't see myself stopping the habits that I've been building over the past few weeks. I guess what I fear is other people's reactions -- will they be ok if I'm not eating the same way as them or drinking with them?

I know it's silly to think about others, but the social scene is a reality that I'll have to face. If the choices I've been making (the good ones) are the ones that I'll be continuing, then both my friends and I have to look at the changes I've been making as something beyond a game -- it is really turning into a lifestyle change.

I've heard that sometimes people are afraid to lose weight because they don't know how they will feel being a normal size.

I for one don't have that issue ... but perhaps one of my fears is that after the actual challenge is over, what will I be able to use as an 'excuse' for leading a healthy lifestyle.

This evening as I attended another birthday dinner with some friends, there was more cake as well as 100 questions about this 'diet' that I'm following and how a cheat meal once in a while is ok.

It's basically the same stuff that I discussed in my blog post a few days ago. The thing is, I know the answers -- but in reality, sometimes I just don't feel brave enough to say them out loud.

I need to figure out a way to vocalize more. I don't want somebody else to be associated with a lapse in my diet. I need to take responsibility for my choices - for what I want to have and what I don't want to have. I cannot afford to be afraid; being afraid has held me back before - it's not going to happen again.

Ok - enough of that. I really do need to move on and let it go.

There was another birthday dinner tonight. This time I took my cue form what one of Norma's friends did a while back - she brought her own food to the gathering. I asked the hostess beforehand if she would mind if I brought my own food - she said it was fine, and immediately I felt better. She actually had cooked a lot of good vegetarian food - but there was also a lot of bread, different types of dressings, and cheese. So, I'm glad I took my own tuna/avocado/black bean salad; I enjoyed my meal while they ate theirs. Of course at the end of it there was cake -- and while I did blow out the candles, I politely refused a piece.

They did ask me more about this 'diet' that I was following. I tried to clarify that it wasn't a short-term, quick-fix diet. I'm doing this for 8 weeks to see how I feel and what habits (if any) I can sustain for the rest of my life. It's not always easy to explain, but some get that it's all about the choices I'm making. I'm not looking for a cheat meal or a relaxed day. I know that I want to give it my all.

Anyway. Tomorrow's my birthday and D has something very special planned -- for me, I just want to have fun, hang out with my good friends, and stay WLC-compliant :)

Facing Fears

I'm a person who has a lot of fears, worries, anxieties, and stresses.

I think these manifest themselves through my insomnia, jumpiness, panic attacks, and OCD. I also think these feelings and insecurities have caused me to develop a lack of belief in myself - particularly because I'm afraid that I'll either fail at the task or I'll get hurt in the process.

Feeling afraid and anxious is tiring and depressing.

I reached a point - I'm not really sure what triggered it - and decided that enough was enough. Step by step I was going to try and tackle these insecurities.

One of my biggest fears was of water - large bodies of water. The expanse of the ocean scared me, and the idea of swimming around, not knowing where the bottom of the ocean was and with all those fish and other sea creatures swimming around with me, terrified me. Seeing JAWS pushed me over the edge.

My fear grew to the point where even the sound of waves made me feel anxious. To this day, deep water still scares me, and any body of water - even swimming pools - is automatically checked for sharks - I just can't help it. I do it every time. Every time.

A few years ago, I decided to try and get over this fear - so what did I do? I enrolled for scuba diving classes. I went to the classes, read all the material, took each lesson seriously -- and even though during my qualifying dives all I could envision was a shark with it's jaws open waiting to swallow me whole, I did it. I completed my 4 dives. My instructor was phenomenal as was my diving buddy. They never got impatient with me and were there to help me stay calm and celebrate my successes.

I obviously still have some work to do, especially since it's been so long since I got my certification, but I'm getting there. In Italy, I couldn't bring myself to swim in the sea - but I did walk in the water and the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks made me feel relaxed instead of tense ... baby steps.

One of my other huge fears is of dogs.

This fear was passed on to me by my mother - her fear plus two bad experiences as a child pushed my fear to complete phobia. The sight of a dog a long distance away would cause my pulse to start racing and I'd start shaking. Dogs coming near me would send me into a screaming frenzy followed by a full on anxiety attack. I couldn't help it.

What would really, really piss me off is how most people reacted to this phobia of mine. Not only could they not understand it, there were many people who would say - You'd love my dog. You won't be afraid of it.

That's not how phobias work. They're irrational fears. I wish that I wasn't afraid, but at that point in time, I was. So many people tried to push me onto meeting their dogs - convinced that theirs would cure me. They just pissed me off even more, showing absolutely no respect or consideration for something that was a major issue for me.

I think it's because of people's reactions to my fear that it took me quite some time to even begin to think of getting over it. I felt like I was being forced or pressured because I was crazy for not liking dogs. What can I say? Not all dogs are friendly. Not all babies are cute. Fact. (People forcing me to hold their babies also pisses me off.)

Anyway.

A year and a half ago I decided to try and face this fear. It started with me not avoiding dogs. Usually if I saw a dog coming my way, I'd cross the street. So I started by not crossing the street - just standing there and ignoring the dogs.

I did alright, and I was definitely put to the test in Argentina earlier this year where there were dogs everywhere!! I totally impressed my friends who had yet to see me be so calm around dogs - especially D, who may still have traces of my fingernail indentations after a particular dog incident in Boston several years back!

Anyway -- let me get to the point (finally) -- One of KD's friends in Italy had 3 dogs. When we went over to her house, she had already put the dogs away, which was the first sign to me that she acknowledged my discomfort and wasn't going to force me to meet her dogs. She had a very calm demeanor which played a big role in her amazing therapy work with horses ... I automatically felt comfortable around her and thought, right - maybe during this trip I'll really be ok around dogs. Part 1 would be to be ok around the dogs, and part 2 - if I felt ready enough, then I would actually pet the dogs.

We went to the horse stables where KD's friend worked - there were lots of dogs around. Everyone was so great around me - keeping a watchful eye on both the dogs and myself, ready to step in if it got too much for me.

The first step - getting used to the dogs. This one below, Otto, seemed to take an immediate liking to me as he hardly left my side the whole time I was at the stables:

After about an hour, I thought I was ready - though I was still slightly hesitant ...

Success!! Contact made!!

I even got comfortable enough to actually fully sit down. This was a huge deal. I was completely vulnerable - there was even a time when there was a dog behind me, but I didn't flinch. That never would have happened a year ago!!

Some other dogs came in to get some affection:

While they were all cute, Otto was my favorite :)

If you've never had a phobia, you may not get what a huge deal this was for me -- but conquering this fear was a major accomplishment. It was one more step in me taking control of my life. I was very, very proud of myself!

SSSD Update & Week 8

Crazy busy day today -- lots and lots of errands. The good news, mom's paperwork is FINALLY ALL DONE! I managed to finish the last bit of paperwork that we had been waiting for. I'm so relieved - and so is she! Now this chapter is officially closed and we can all get on with other things.

This week was a good one for me in terms of food and exercise. However, it totally sucked in the sleep department! In the past week I got a total of 18 hours of sleep. That's averages out to slightly over 2.5 hours of sleep a night. I'm hurtin' real bad today but I've just had to push through coz' there's so much that needed to be done.

So, a quick recap of this past week -
1. Got all my errands done except for one.
2. Have started my workout plan for my holiday - but it'll have to be completed on the plane
3. Met my targets of working out for 5 hours & completing week 3 of C25K. I worked out for a total of 7 hours!
4. I'm definitely feeling more positive and determined than last week. I hope the attitude continues.

The challenge goal was to sign up for a 5K -- I've signed up for a 10K this coming November - fingers crossed I'm ready by then!

This week - Week 8: Embrace a Fitness Fear
I've actually already kinda started to work on embracing my fitness fears. However, there's still a lot more work to be done in this area. Embracing my fear will come in a two different forms this week:-

Fear 1: I'll be starting Week 4 of the C25K program, which will involve runs at stretches of 4 minutes and 6 minutes. If that's not facing a fear then I don't know what is! I'm also going to try and do one of these sessions outdoors. That'll be something new for me.

Fear 2: Burpees - For me, burpees are the worst part of CrossFit, but they're also one of the best exercises. I'm definitely improving, but I absolutely dread them. Each time I head to the Box I think - I hope there are no burpees today. During one of the sessions I missed I found out that they had done 100 burpees. *Gulp* To be honest, I was kinda relieved that I had missed that session ... and then I started to feel guilty. What's benefit will I get from hiding from this exercise? So I told myself there are two burpee challenges I want to put for myself - 1) complete 100 burpees and see how long it takes for me to finish; 2) see how many burpees I can complete within 7 minutes.

Both the run and the burpee challenge terrify me. Hopefully I'll be able to face my fears successfully.

I'm off to Rome in a few hours. I'll try to blog/comment as often as possible while I'm away.

Hope everyone has a great week :)

Practicing my Exercises

I'm so glad I enjoy going to the gym. In the beginning I was really obsessed with burning calories - and I mean really obsessed. At the end of each workout, my elation or frustrated depended entirely on the number of calories burned (and you know those machines aren't accurate anyway!). I didn't get any satisfaction from the exercises; it was just about the number. Taking it to that level ended up being a form of psychological torture for me, though it took me a long time to figure that out.

In my obsession with the numbers, I never really took the time to enjoy what I was doing and notice any progress. I did lose weight, but I didn't notice whether or not I had become faster or stronger.

Now, it's entirely different. I do wear a heart-rate monitor to give me a general idea of how many calories I burned, but I don't use it to measure the success or failure of a workout. I also don't use the number of calories to try to negotiate my food intake. I don't exercise so that I can eat more. I do, however, eat slightly differently depending on my workout of the day - intense/mild/none. I still have work to do on eating right, but my perspective on that is continuing to improve on a daily basis. It's my outlook and approach to exercise, however, that has changed dramatically, particularly after completing the New Rules of Lifting for Women weights program and now with CrossFit.

Completing the New Rules of Lifting for Women program was one of the best gym experiences I've had. I bought the book and completed the 7-stage program. I trusted the program. I did the best I could, and I got amazing results. I am so much stronger now that I ever was before. My body shape has changed a lot. Most of all, I am so much more confident in the gym (and in my regular life as well). I'm no longer afraid to pick up heavier weights or at least try an exercise that looked intimidating before. I remember that I would refuse to do burpees properly at the gym. I was too afraid of failing at them, so I would modify the exercise and just be 'satisfied' with that. One day, at home, I told myself - Right. Stop being ridiculous. Try a proper one right now. There's nobody here to judge you, criticize you, mock you. Just do it. I did.

That one little action really changed my attitude.

There are still many exercises that I find intimidating, but I don't shy away from them. I give them a go. If my body is not ready for it, then that's fine - but I'll give it a go.

This attitude has brought me to my newest phase -- not just exercising, but practicing as well.

CrossFit has opened up a whole new range of challenges for me. It's pushed me to a level that I never thought I could go to before. I struggle during each session, but I keep trying ... and I can't wait to successfully conquer all the exercises ... but the only way that's going to happen is to practice.

So now, I workout at the CrossFit box and I do my workouts at the gym, mainly boxing and C25K, but I also practice.

Running Practice: I categorize my whole C25K attempt as my practice for running since it gradually helps you build up your endurance.

Boxing Practice: My right arm is strong so I love throwing punches with my right arm ... but I've scaled back a bit and am focusing more on my left arm. I also practice my upper cuts - both right and left - because right now I look so ridiculous doing them that if I was ever going to attack someone with my upper cut they'd just burst out laughing (potential defense strategy!) ;)

CrossFit Practice: Box jumps; pull ups; double unders; burpees -- there are other moves that I need to practice, but these are the 4 exercises that I'm working on right now. I struggle with all of them, but as I even with a few days of practice I notice improvement already. Bit by bit they're getting better.

Although I want to be successful right now in all these moves, I'm finally taking the time to enjoy the process of practicing my exercises and seeing myself improve.

It's no longer about the number. It really is about working to reach my potential. What more of a confidence booster could you ask for?

Bits and Pieces

After I have a meltdown like I did on Saturday, everything looks bleak and I often feel like I just won't be able to get out of that funk ... and then I see something like this {I tried to embed the video - didn't work! Do take a moment to click on the hyperlink and watch it on YouTube.}


The CrossFit Games
The CrossFit Games took place this past weekend. I wasn't able to watch it live (because of the 10 hour time difference) but I watched most of it via YouTube and the videos on the crossfit. com. Talk about getting the motivation to bury those voices of self-doubt and pick yourself up again!

I took away several things from that video clip:
1. Wow - look at their strength
2. Imagine how hard they had to work to get to where they are
3. Damn, I do a lot of those exercises; granted, not at that weight or at that speed, but still, I do them
4. Not all the competitors go continuously; they need to stop and rest too
5. It's all about giving it your all and finishing - the support from the crowd for the last competitor was fantastic

It definitely gave me an extra bit of confidence that I needed. Does CrossFit still intimidate me? Hell ya.  Will I give up? Absolutely not!


My CrossFit Progress
The cardio aspect is actually really tough - all that jumping around, box jumps and burpees in particular, but it's getting better.

I am now in the advanced group of CrossFitters. I had my first advanced class yesterday. It's a much smaller group which is nice because we get more focused attention (torture) and we can work on technique. The workouts are brutal, but they're invigorating too! I was especially giddy after yesterday's session because of my 100 kg. (220 lbs.) dead lift record! Yay!! Our Coach hit a personal best herself yesterday too - 120 kg!!! Wow!!! I teased her and said it was comforting to know that in case of an emergency she could just pick a few of us up and rush us to safety ;)

My jump rope skips are definitely improving. Yesterday we were supposed to jump for 2 min straight. I got to 1 min 55 sec before the damn rope got caught in my shoe! Arrgh! Before I was proud when I got to 1 min straight; to be at almost 2 min feels great.


C25K
I'm progressing through C25K really, really slowly, but I'm still doing it. I finished Day 2 of Week 3 on Sunday. I upped my speed just a little and kept it at a 0.2% incline throughout. The 3-min running stretches aren't horrible; I know any difficulty I feel with it is really in my head. You can read about my progress here. I hope to finish the last day before I travel and then hopefully do at least week 4 while I'm away.

Back in April I signed up for a 10km which was to be held on November 23. On Saturday I got an email saying that it has been rescheduled to October 27. They said you could request a refund if you wanted ... I have to admit that I felt like canceling for a second. I mean, that's pretty much 1 month earlier. I'm having enough trouble just getting to 1km now - will I be ready for 10km by the end of October? I decided to just stick with it anyway. If I feel completely unprepared by the time of the race, then I can always bow out - but for right now, I'm challenging myself to step it up. Update: I just received an email saying that the race is now on November 3rd. {Don't know why they keep changing their mind!} At least that buys me another week. I'm going to keep on training and hope that I'm ready on the day of the race.


Other Fitness
I'm totally behind in my boxing workouts, but I hope that I can get at least one session in tomorrow. My arms have been so sore from CrossFit. I don't want to overdo it, but I also don't want to let go of the boxing. It's SO cathartic!!

I haven't made it to a single Body Balance/Yoga/Pilates class. The scheduling is all off because of the summer and I've just been too busy. I really do need to make some time to do some stretching and relaxation though. I think it'll help me keep my focus more when it comes to CrossFit.

I've been wanting to go swimming for ages, and today, I finally made it to the pool! I did 20 laps. It felt really good to be in the water. My arms were still pretty tired, but I also felt like the different movement and the resistance of the water did me some good. Although I had a ton of errands to run today, I did take 20-minutes to soak up some sun :)

Life
My main mission for today was to get rid of all the snacks and munchies that were in the house from the time my parents were here. Yesterday I mindlessly sat down with a bag of crisps - I seriously cannot have that stuff in the house! So I packed everything together in a bag and gave them to my housekeeper today. I feel better now that all that stuff is out of the house!

I got my visa for Italy :) Now I can finally start really getting excited for the trip.

I've steadily been making my way through my to-do list. The heat has been brutal though, and even though I'm driving around in my air conditioned car, the sun is merciless. It's in the 50's everyday (120's Fahrenheit). There's only so much an A/C can do!  I'm just glad there's hardly any humidity. We may burn as we walk from the house to the car, but at least we don't sweat that much! I made the mistake of leaving the house without any water today -- I definitely won't make that mistake tomorrow!

Mind Games

I had another hectic morning of errands to run. Still dealing with the craziness of mom's papers. Today we walked around for ages in 55 C degree heat (125 F). It was not fun ... plus there was no good news. We both came home completely deflated.

As soon as I got home I really thought that I wouldn't be able to motivate myself to go to CrossFit. I love the classes, but the sessions are really intense. Plus I want to give it my all when I go there. However, I also knew that I would be really disappointed in myself if I didn't go.

So, at 3:30 I left the house and headed over to the Box. {CrossFit workout studios are called CrossFit Boxes.}

Warm-up
5-min jump rope
3 rounds of 10 pull-ups, 10 squats, 10 push-ups

Strength focus
Overhead squats - reps: 20, 15, 10, 8, 5, 4, 3, 3, 3
My set of 20 was just with a non-weighted bar. For the rest I lifted 20 kg - really challenging keeping your balance as you both squat and push the weight over your head! For the last 3 sets I lifted 25 kg. It got better as I went along. It really has so much to do with focus -- you need to concentrate and push yourself -- so much of this has to do with mental strength!

WOD - 7 min, AMRAP
Start with 3 reps then increase by 3 for each set (3, 6, 9 etc.) - alternating dead lift high pulls (I used the 20 kg bar) and box jumps. I completed 5 1/2 rounds.

A word about box jumps --

Jumping of any kind is tough for me, but I try it and I want to improve.
Today we did box jumps -- so far I've just been jumping the single box; today I approached the double box. I wanted to start it before we began the WOD. Two of the other girls in the CrossFit group showed me how it was done - they made it look so easy. Then it was my turn ...

Approach - hesitate - fail.
Approach - hesitate - fail.
Tell myself - It's all in your head, at least try it. Don't hesitate.
Approach - hesitate - fail.

Ugh.

I want to be able to jump the double box. I guess it's going to come down to both practice and self-confidence. The hesitation is what kills me. It's just like I was writing about yesterday - the mental struggle really weighs me down. There's no doubt that it's challenging, but perhaps the level of intimidation wouldn't be as high if my mind would just switch off!

Glad I made it to CrossFit though - my legs feel like jelly after over 100 squats in today's whole workout - but it's a good jelly feeling :)

The Dress and The Shoes

A few posts ago I mentioned that one of my best friends is getting married in October. What I didn't mention is that I already have a dress for it. I actually bought the dress a few months ago in London. I loved it as soon as I saw it - I looked at the dress, found my size, and tried it on. Hmmmm it didn't quite fit, but I did a big fashion no-no and bought it anyway with the hope that one day I'll fit into it right.

The dress is made of silk, and if you know silk, you know that there is absolutely no give to the material and it shows everything. So even though technically the dress is in my size (I actually have a few dresses a size smaller than this one), it doesn't fit me the way I'd like it to - y'know, the way that doesn't require you to stay standing with your gut completely sucked in for the entire night. 

This dress is my goal dress for the October wedding. I tried it on this morning to serve as a reminder of how much further I have to go. It's a good thing I did. It's the motivation that I needed to really get my focus back. 

Due to some paperwork error, my parents did not leave Kuwait today. However, all their stuff has already been shipped off and they have to give up their apartment {such drama, I can't even explain the stress we're all under right now} - anyway, this means that my parents will be staying with us for the next 5-7 days. It all depends on when they get their final paperwork and nobody really knows when that's going to happen! So, this throws another spanner in the works. I was hoping to be back into my regular routine by Saturday, but now I'll have to make some more adjustments. I now need to plan a menu and cook for 4 people instead of just me and D. I'm really stressing out about it. My parents will also be car-less, so that means that either I'll be running them around or they'll be stuck at home. I want them to feel comfortable and I want to give them attention too, but I also need to get to the gym. I have several, several workout hours to catch up on. I'm trying to stay positive and not let the derailment stress me out too much ... as a person who craves/needs routine, this is not exactly easy, but I'm going to make it work. 

I've spent the past hour planning our menu for the week. I've decided to stick to foods that I would normally cook. I am, however, worried about portion sizes. D & I have been very good and we've gotten used to smaller portions. I don't want my parents to think I'm starving them. At the same time, I don't want to cook too much and have extra food around the house.

I also don't want them to cook. My dad (a diabetic who doesn't take care of his diet at all - aarrrgghh!) loves to cook - but he also likes to use lots of oil, salt, cheese, etc. I'm terrified that he'll want to cook to take the pressure off of me.

I'm trying to handle this in 2 ways - 1st, I've written the menu for the week on the whiteboard in my kitchen. This way they can see that I've planned out the week's food. I've also printed out my own personal menu so that they realize that I don't want a sandwich with some chips for lunch but that I'd rather take the time to make a salad. My 2nd strategy is to limit the types of food in the house. We'll be well stocked with veggies and protein but I'll avoid most things unhealthy and fatty so the temptation won't be there. At the same time, I do want to have a few treats for my parents so that they can relax and enjoy themselves. I'm thinking of maybe having a fruit platter in the fridge for them to graze on during the day. We'll see.

Having to deal with the move has been great motivation to de-clutter the apartment and this week I started with my shoes. I'm a shoe addict (as I've mentioned before) and I really, really love my shoes. It breaks my heart to think of getting rid of any of them ... and that's why I've started with them first. If I can get rid of some of my shoes, then getting rid of other stuff should be much easier. 

Yesterday I selected 30 pairs of shoes to give away ... 

Today I added another 10!
I will probably take another look at my shoe closets and see if there are anymore that I'm willing to part with. Until then, I'm quite pleased with this start.

Fight or Flight

Yesterday I found out that the conference organizers wanted me to be part of a round table discussion. I didn't need to prepare anything but just show up and participate in an hour long Q&A session. Of course, I was nervous. As I walked up the massive steep hill to the university all I could think of was - OMG I'm not prepared. I'm going to suck. I just want to run away.

The discussion went really well. All that worry for nothing.

Then of course there was my keynote speech this afternoon. As the time approached for my presentation, my heart was pounding louder and louder. I just wanted to throw up. Once again as I climbed the hill I just wanted to run. What if I forget my presentation? Suppose I suck? This feels like way too much pressure.

By the end of it, I felt so relieved. I think I spoke a bit too quickly but other than that, it went well. I handled all the questions well, and I received many compliments both about my presentation content and style. Relief. So why is it that I freak myself out so much?

My gut instinct seems to always be flight. Run. Escape. You can't do this. You've bitten off more than you can chew. Loser. Doesn't that sound awful?

If you've been following my blog, you can probably notice this pattern even in the way I approach weight loss. New exercises intimidate me. Fear of failure haunts me. Feelings of self-doubt and incompetence overwhelm me. It's exhausting.

I'm happy (and even a little proud) that even though flight is my gut instinct, I always fight. Always. You'd think after all these years I would ignore the flight aspect and just focus on the fight, but it's not that easy.

I hope that one day FIGHT becomes my gut instinct and I develop the confidence and self-appreciation to allow myself to enjoy my experiences instead of keep looking at them with fear.

Post to Myself

Dear Me,

 I know that a few weeks ago you wouldn't have been able to write this letter. Yes, just a few weeks ago... but now look where you are.

You have come such a long way ... Such a very long way, especially since 1990 when you started to face many challenges.

You have been physically abused, emotionally abused, taken advantage of, told you were worthless, no good, and would never amount to anything. You have been afraid of so many things - getting close to other people, trusting other, letting yourself be loved, taking chances, believing in yourself.

No more. No more.

You are stronger than ever before.
You are faster than ever before.
You are smarter than ever before.
You are surrounded by more supportive people than ever before.

The journey is not over, but that is actually the good news. Now you can go forward with newfound confidence and belief in yourself. There is still much work to be done, but you can do it - you have done it! Keep moving forward but now slow down a little. You know now that you are strong. You know now that a bit of pain and struggle does not mean things are impossible.

Enjoy the process. Take in the view. Breathe. Be fearless.

Me.

Challenging Yourself vs. Fooling Yourself

I took the day off from the gym yesterday so that I could catch up on some of my errands and hopefully ease some of the stress that I've been feeling and finally get a good night's sleep. Totally wishful thinking on my part. I'm just glad that I have the next 6 days off of work. Hopefully I can get some rest -- the insomnia is now starting to hurt. Right now I'm existing on 2-3 hours of sleep per night for the past week and the occasional 10-15 minute power nap. I'm definitely hurting!

Still, life doesn't stop nor do the workouts!

NROL4W - Workout B2 today.

It went quite well. I really, really enjoy lifting weights, and I do like seeing myself get stronger each day. Since this program is only 3 sets of 6 reps I feel like I can push myself a bit more in terms of trying a heavier weight though I am being careful - don't want to risk injury.

I didn't post my numbers last week, so here's my chart so far:

	Feb. 14, ‘12	Feb. 21, ‘12
Dead row/squat	25 kg	35 kg
Single leg squat	5	9
Wide grip lat pull	41	48
YTWL dumbbell	5	4
Swiss ball crunch	100	100
Prone jackknife	20	30
Lateral flexion	24	30
Prone cobra	18	30
Interval training (15 min)	1.65 km	1.68 km

Part of Workout B includes HIIT after the weights workout. I've been doing ok, but I don't know if I'm pushing myself as much as I could ... again, finding that balance between challenging yourself and doing too much is tough when you're working out on your own. Still, today I pushed it a little more. I guess the trick is to just keep upping the intensity whenever I can and take it from there. Last week I did 4 1-minute jogs/sprints at 8.5 km/hr. This week I did 2 @ 8.5 and 2 @ 9.

On the note of running and challenging yourself ... there's a 10K coming up in a few days that one of my friend's is running. Actually, what he and 5 others are doing is much more amazing than the 10 km run -- they're actually running 240 km (from the north of Kuwait to the south -- that's just under 150 miles)!! It's estimated to take approximately 50 hours - can you imagine?

You can read a bit more about the run here.

Well, on the 25th there's a 10K support run that I'd love to be a part of. This is exactly the kind of thing that I want to do ... eventually. Well, actually I want to do it NOW, but I don't think I can. I've been going back and forth between challenging myself to do it or just waiting for another time when I'm better prepared. The 10K is not the problem - it's the running that's the problem. If you've been following my blog, you know that I'm not a runner. At the moment I can't even run 1 km! I don't know what's holding me back from pushing myself to run more ... I mean, I am trying little by little, but maybe I need to take it to another level. If it's something I really want to do, then don't I have to try harder? The thought of "I can't" is constantly lingering in the back of my mind ... I need to get rid of that thought, but it's so much easier said than done! In any case, I feel really disappointed in myself for not being in the shape I need to be to run a 10K. I workout for hours ... but running, aargh! Anyway. The only thing holding me back is me ... so I just need to push forward and challenge myself.

Anyway.

So, this morning - weights, a bit of cardio, physio for my knee, a good cool down session and then off to work ... then went back to the gym this evening for 3 km on the treadmill to warm-up before Zumba. Don't know how I'm pushing through without much sleep ... I'm definitely knackered now ... perhaps I'm exhausted enough for some sleep tonight?!