Wednesday, January 11, 2012
A Fugly Day
There's really no other way to put it. It was just one of those days that didn't start out right ... Well, I guess nothing really went wrong ... but nothing felt right today.
I woke up early (3 a.m.) and was at my desk ... I found myself stuck on one particular section of my writing and it was driving me insane. How can it be that at this point in my PhD I am still struggling with my words? It's so frustrating. I felt totally inadequate and unintelligent.
After working for a few hours I decided to take a break and try on a few clothes that I wanted to take for my upcoming trip. Talk about kicking myself when I was down ... Everything fit, but nothing looked right. I just felt disgusting. About a week before that time of the month I bloat so much -- apparently a natural reaction for the fibroids -- but let me tell you, it's no fun looking like you're 7-8 months pregnant when you're NOT! What's worse is that when I look in the mirror, I see someone who looks like they sit on the couch all day with nothing but a bag of cookies and ice cream for comfort -- that is so FAR from the truth ... but that's what I look like. Going through those clothes just made me feel an overwhelming sense of dread. I want to enjoy this trip and not be riddled with so many insecurities and so much self-loathing.
I then had to go to the university to proctor an exam. The exam was supposed to be two hours long. I thought I'd get some editing done while I was in the room -- but half an hour into the exam the director came in and said I could leave ... I should have been thrilled, right? No. I would have rather stayed the whole time. I couldn't get anything done in the half hour I was there - instead it felt like such a waste -- getting ready, driving to work, and then proctoring. Anyway.
I decided to go to the doctor since I hadn't been to see her for almost two months. I was dreading this visit. I knew that she wouldn't have much to tell me. I just mainly wanted to see if by any chance there were any improvements. There weren't. I asked her several questions about my condition and what the chances were for improvement and how this would affect my weight loss etc. She didn't have any answers. She was just like, 'It could get better, or get worse, or stay the same." Thanks genius. That was helpful. The worst part was towards the end of my appointment when she told me that it was expected that I would feel emotional after going through major surgery and then not having it be successful - but that I should let it go and just get over it.
What kind of doctor says that? The surgery was unsuccessful and you'll continue to be in pain for the rest of your life, but just get over it.
Now I know my whole theme for this year is "Let it go" but the way she said it was NOT what I had in mind. I think I've done a good job pushing forward and not letting the whole surgery thing get me too down -- it's been hard. A lot harder than I actually let on ... but there's nothing else I can do. Having the doctor tell me to get over it, however, is a completely different story. I was not happy at all.
I met up with my BF at the mall and we had a chance to vent a little, have some lunch, and buy a pair of Timberland hiking boots :) so for two hours things were better ...
Then it was just a whirlwind of things to do -- general errands/household stuff, pre-travel stuff, and of course the never-ending PhD ...
Things are hectic and my stress levels are high -- I know I'm getting close to finishing everything, but I still don't see the finish line. Will I ever see it? I'm running out of time.