The good, the bad, and the next step

The Good

I'm home. I'm fine.

I can walk around, though I get tired easily and shifting positions - sitting to standing, getting up from bed - is still challenging. The right side of my abdomen is still quite sore so sleeping isn't quite comfortable, but overall, I'm definitely getting a little bit stronger each day. I've just got to be patient and resist doing too much at once.

The Bad

The surgery did not go as planned.

They told me that they opened me up - saw that multiple adhesions had formed from my previous surgery, and after a total of five surgeons worked on me and consulted with each other for just over two hours, they decided they would be doing more harm than good ... they closed me up and that was it.

Apparently a lot of scar tissue (adhesions) had formed between and around my organs after the surgery in 2008. This had fused my uterus and intestines together. They removed as many adhesions as they could, but it was not possible to remove all of them without risking major internal damage. It seems like the adhesions were so bad that the surgeons could not even get to my uterus.

What does this all mean?

They couldn't do the hysterectomy.

They couldn't even do a myomectomy.

They couldn't even remove the largest fibroid (6.5 cm) let alone the other smaller ones (just removed one 2 cm one).

As a result, my doctor recommends no surgery - ever again.

So nothing has changed. Nothing will change. I will have to continue dealing with the pain, discomfort, enlarged uterus, bloating, and so forth until we find another solution. At the moment, there doesn't seem to be an easy or effective one in front of us ...

The Next Step

Healing.

Right now all I'm focusing on is healing.

It has been absolutely exhausting talking about everything that has gone on. Everyone is saying - we'll see what happens; stay positive; some solution will come up for sure.

Of course I nod my head in agreement, when all I really want to do is scream and punch something.

Mentally. I'm totally fucked up.

There's really no other way to put it. I cannot explain the unbelievable amount of depression and hurt I am feeling inside. It is really hard to push past the implications of this ... and really hard for me not to think - Shit. I went through this surgery and am out of the gym for 6 weeks to heal for nothing. NOTHING. They told me once I had this surgery I could train like an athlete and finally physically see the results of all the hours and hard work I put in at the gym. Now, still enlarged and bloated - how fabulous.

I know they couldn't have understood the extent of my situation without having opened me up, but frankly that doesn't mean much to me as I'm sitting here at my desk, half leaning over because there is no comfortable position for me to properly sit in.

It was such a big step to take to begin with ... and the one thing that really pushed me forward was the thought of having NO PAIN after the surgery. It would all be over. I would feel normal. To have that completely yanked away from me - I can't even begin to explain what that feels like.

Honestly, when other people talk and make suggestions, most of me just zones out. I appreciate that they all mean well, but I think it's going to take a lot of time to get over this. I just feel completely empty.

Still - I'm here. The only thing I'm focusing on now is healing physically. I will not rush. I will do what I can. I will be vigilant about what I eat, and I will be back in that gym as soon as possible. I don't have the capacity to think about anything else or deal with anything else. I don't feel optimistic or pessimistic, hopeful or hopeless anymore - I just feel numb.