Fired up for Fall - Week 8

Week 8 already?! Where has the time gone? I feel like I've definitely hit a brick wall in terms of weight loss. I'm hardly moving and I'm totally bloated from the surgery. Although I don't feel like I've eaten much over the past few days, I also haven't lost any weight. I don't seem to have struck a balance just yet. I spent most of this past week on the couch - thankfully not eating my way to oblivion - but really just vegging and watching Grey's Anatomy. It sounds fun, but when you're not comfortable in any position, vegging in front of the TV sucks.

Part I: Positive Picture

Something I definitely need to keep in mind ...

Part II: WEEK 8 QUESTIONS

What have you done this week to achieve your goals?

Not much -- I'm trying to watch what I'm eating and focus on regaining strength. Lately it seems like all my energy is focused on just getting through the day without dwelling on the challenges that lie ahead ... I can't face those challenges if I don't get through this stage, right? So this week it's just about taking time for me. Maybe next week I'll be able to move forward a bit more.

What have you done this week to feel fabulous?

Ummm ... nothing really done on this front as I haven't left the house in five days! However, the bouquets of flowers from friends do add a bit of fabulosity to the apartment ;)

How important is a social life to you? Are you a loner or a butterfly or somewhere in between?

Having a social life is really important to me. I love hanging out with my friends and making new friends. I think I'm more of a social butterfly though I do have times when I like to be completely alone ... There was a point in time when I felt like I couldn't breathe unless I was with other people - always had to be surrounded by others and doing something ... but now I'm happy to say that I don't have a problem being on my own. Social pressures can add up, but now I'm much more confident and I don't need to be surrounded by people to validate me.

How do you balance life outside your home with healthy living?

One of the most important things has been to have a supportive network around you - and that includes friends who understand that I'm watching what I'm eat - even if they do not always follow a diet. I've been quite lucky that the people I mainly hang out with are health conscious or at least very understanding when I say that I don't want to eat something or go to a particular restaurant because it doesn't have healthy options. It's not always easy, but it does get easier, and it's definitely not impossible. It just takes discipline on your part and understanding on the part of friends.

What do you like to do for fun?

I think I'm pretty adventurous. In Kuwait I definitely find that my options are a bit limited, but I love hanging out with friends, movies, and shopping (of course!!).

In general I love to travel and when I'm abroad I'll take the opportunity to try things that I can't (always easily) do in Kuwait - like skiing, ATV'ing, etc.

Above all, I won't give up any opportunity to put on my dancing shoes :)

Numbers

Eat healthy foods. Exercise.

Any effective weight loss or diet program really comes down to these basic principles.

There are some people who can simply exercise and eat whatever they want - yes, that includes hamburgers, sodas, and chocolate ... but they still lose weight, and there are others who just need to cut back on their calories and they'll drop pounds without even thinking of hitting the gym.

I don't fall into either category.

If I want to lose weight, I have to exercise and I have to watch what I eat ... and it's not just what I eat, but I have to watch the portions too.

So, now that I've been banned from the gym for another two weeks (well, five weeks before any vigorous/intense workouts and weight lifting) and my movements have been limited, I really have to watch what I eat so that I make sure this five-week break doesn't equal a fifteen pound gain in weight!

To do this, I'm starting with the numbers.

The basics:

Ideal weight

I visited this website to establish a frame of reference for how much I should weigh and what my BMI should be. I pretty much knew these numbers before but I just felt like I needed another reminder. I think some height:weight calculators can be unreasonably low, but as I said, this is just a frame of reference for me to use to get to where I want to be.

I've been reading Jillian Michaels' book: Winning By Losing, and I followed the formulas she has presented to calculate calorie burn etc.

Losing weight

Calculate your basal metabolic rate (BMR) -- the number of calories your body burns without any additional activity

Females: 655+(4.3 x weight in lbs) + (4.7 x height in inches) - (4.7 x age in years)

Males: 66 + (6.3 x body weight in lbs.) + 12.9 x height in inches) - (6.8 x age in years)

I've had to recalculate my daily activity level. Before I did moderate activity - going to work + gym ... but now I'm basically confined to the house, and even then mainly to the couch! So I'm down to a sedentary lifestyle (score 1.1) [light physical activity score 1.2; moderate activity level score 1.3; high physical level score 1.4 -- note that this is your normal daily level and it does not include workouts at the gym - just how much you move on a daily basis because of work, running errands, taking care of family etc.]

Then I used the following chart to get an idea of how many calories I burn during exercise (the most accurate number would be from a heart-rate monitor - not the number that the exercise machine gives, but an actual, personal heart-rate monitor).

Finally:

BMR x Daily Activity Score + Exercise Expenditure = Active Metabolic Rate

Breaking it down

Losing 1 lb/week = creating a deficit of 3,500 calories per week (500 calories daily)

After calculating your Active Metabolic Rate, figure out how much you'd like to lose per week (2 lbs/week is considered a healthy amount of weight to lose per week) and then you can divide it up for your calorie allowance per day.

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I know that the bottom line is - eat less, move more ... but I think it does help to keep the numbers in mind, and this is especially true in my case at the moment when I'm barely moving. We'll see how it works. I've got the numbers down - now I'm got to implement a realistic, sustainable plan.

It's Only Pain

KD had come to visit me in the hospital and I got a chance to vent my fears and frustrations to her. Going from great cardio and weight lifting sessions to barely being able to get out of bed without help is so demoralizing ... it's tough to be patient, but I really have no choice.

While KD and I were talking all of a sudden I felt my throat clamp up and I knew what was coming - a cough. Something that I was totally dreading - you have no idea how much pain a cough can cause when you've got abdominal stitches.

I started to panic, but she sat me down, had me firmly hold a pillow against my abdomen and said - It's only pain.

It's only pain.

Such a simple statement, but something that was important for me to hear in order to refocus and remember that this is all temporary.

So I quickly coughed a few times and felt an excruciating amount of pain, but after 10 seconds it was over.

Finding the mental strength and determination to keep moving forward is tough. Especially to keep it up on a daily basis, all the time ... it's obviously something that I've posted a lot about in my blog, but determination truly is such an important cornerstone to making progress ... and keeping things in perspective is the key to moving forward.

So, I may need a bit of help moving around over the next few days, and it may hurt like hell to cough, but it's only pain. It's temporary. I still have control over the bigger picture -- what happens over the next two weeks matters, but it's not everything. I just have to keep trying to move forward and not be overwhelmed by setbacks.

Hospital Food

The day after my surgery I wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything at all - not even water. It was tough. I was so dehydrated, but with all the handling of my intestines etc. they said it was all in a very fragile state, so nothing.

On Monday I was allowed only a few sips of water, a bit of juice, and some clear broth soup.

On Tuesday they said I could eat soft foods ... when they brought in my tray I was absolutely shocked at what I saw they had served me for breakfast --

A HUGE croissant, two slices of bread, cream cheese, an assortment of jams, apple juice, and some tea.

I hadn't seen that many carbs in front of me for ages. I had to double check with them to make sure they got my food right ... and they said yes - it's all soft.

I managed to have a quarter of the croissant with a bit of cream cheese, and I sipped on the apple juice over a few hours.

Lunch was a cup of boiled rice, three cups of different boiled vegetables in light tomato sauce or something like that, a cup of vegetable soup, yogurt, cocktail juice, another very large bun of bread, butter, and a small piece of cake.

Again, I only managed a few spoons of rice, soup, and maybe 3-4 pieces of carrot.

Dinner - pasta?! More veggies, more bread, more of all of the above ...

I was really shocked at the amount of food they were giving me. There was no way I could eat even a fraction of the food they were serving ... but I was told that I needed to make sure I ate properly in order to help the healing process. My body needs nutrients and energy to heal properly/quickly ... it's still been a bit of a struggle though. I don't have much appetite, although I have to say that the hospital food was prepared really well.

Although they were serving a lot of food, I could tell that it was low fat - no oil, nothing fried, all the veggies were just cooked in tomato sauce ... simple, but as I said, well prepared.

Breakfast Wednesday morning:

A chocolate cream filled donut? Strawberry milk, eggs, salami - and the picture doesn't even show the big bun of bread and cream cheese to the side ... Again, didn't eat even half of it, but tried to eat a bit more. The nutritionist came in to see me and talk a bit about the food - she reminded me of the importance of eating properly and having a well-balanced meal. That means that everything is important - protein, carbs, fiber, and fat -- you've just got to watch the proportions. She told me not to be afraid to eat, but just to be sensible. It's going to be a challenge over the next few weeks with limited mobility.

Seeing the donut on my breakfast tray does not mean that it's ok to have a donut every morning for breakfast - but it does mean that as long as everything else is kept in proper proportion (seriously proper proportion) that having a donut once or twice a month is not going to hurt.

I totally understood what she was saying about being sensible and careful. You've still got to use common sense and realize what's good for you and what's unhealthy. A chocolate donut and strawberry milk are never going to compare in nutritional value as a poached egg and some apple juice!

It was a good nutritional note to leave on ... it's always about balance.

Fired up for Fall - Week 7

I had intended to have this post lined up to be published this past Monday, but things got hectic as I was preparing for my surgery, so this is a bit late ...

I guess I'm going to have to reevaluate my goals and strategies for reaching them since I'm dealing with recovery at the moment -- let's see how it goes.

Part I: Positive Picture

Finding a positive picture for this week has proven to be quite tough. I mean there are lots of positive pictures and words out there, but I had a tough time finding something that spoke to me - a picture that showed positivity yet didn't undermine the fact that I'm not in the most positive frame of mind at the moment.

In the end, all I can hear is my mom's voice - whenever I've stumbled, felt down, or just felt totally defeated or heartbroken, I always remember my mom soothing and consoling me saying ...

Sometimes the words are frustrating to hear ... I remember when I was younger thinking - Ok so it'll pass, but what about NOW?! -- Still, these words are also true. Whatever happens, there's always another moment. Each day I get a bit stronger physically ... maybe this is just the way it's going to be for the next few weeks ... and then I'll be able to tackle the mental hurdles - regardless, it will pass and then it'll be on to the next step.

Part II: WEEK 7 QUESTIONS

What have you done this week to work towards your goals?

PhD - Before going in for surgery I finally submitted the next 3 chapters of my thesis for my supervisor to review. I had been working on those chapters for AGES - it felt really good to send them off. I hope he has positive comments. I have almost two full months to completely get it done.

Gym - Well, I know that I went as often as I could ... unfortunately there will be no more gym for the rest of this challenge ... so I'm going to focus more on the nutritional aspect of losing weight and see how much controlling only food (with barely any movement) has an impact on my progress.

NROL4W - Not happening ... I'm not allowed to do serious weights for another 5-6 weeks ... so this goal will have to be put on hold.

Weight loss - It's strange. Even though I've hardly eaten over the past four days, I feel quite bloated and heavy. I think it's partly the lack of movement and partly the bloating post-op plus from the IV fluids. We'll see how it goes. I think I've lost a total of 6 pounds since the start of the challenge - so only 4 pounds left to hit my goal ... just might be able to accomplish this one!

New recipes - Since I've got some time at home, perhaps I'll get a chance to experiment a bit? My enthusiasm for food has kind of waned, but we'll see if that improves over the next few weeks.

Home office - This is practically done. There are a few boxes that I need to sort through, but I'll try to tackle them over the next few weeks.

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

It's hard to feel fabulous when you're in pain! However, this morning I finally had a good, long shower and properly fixed (straightened) my hair - small, but definitely fabulous after being confined in a hospital room for four days!

How do you pull yourself out a slump or prevent yourself from falling into one?

This question is rather appropriate at the moment, isn't it?

It used to be really tough for me to pull me out of a slump. I'd just wallow in self-pity/doubt -- it took a while for me to actually realize and accept that that type of attitude wasn't getting me anywhere.

I think over the past two years I've become much more positive. A large part of it is pure determination, though a fraction of it is also stubbornness. It also has to do with being realistic and also allowing yourself time to grieve/be sad/be complacent ... but only for a short time. I don't think it's realistic to be positive all of the time. The key is not to let it get the best of you.

At this very moment, if I'm perfectly honest, I'm not feeling very positive (or hopeful) - but I will keep moving forward, as standing still in this moment will do nothing good for me. This is not the place I want to be stuck at. For me, what I'm going through is real and it's tough - and I think part of being able to move forward and regain that positive outlook has to do with allowing yourself some time to feel angry and sad - but then move on. If the place you're in right now is not a good one and not making you happy, then there's no sense in keeping yourself stuck there.

Are you naturally positive or do you have to work at it? How do you keep yourself positive?

I guess I answered most of this question above. Again, take the time to acknowledge your feelings and express them ... and then move on. In the end, it's all up to you to feel good.

If you could go away anywhere tomorrow, where would you go?

Italy.

Without a doubt or any hesitation Italy. I've been wanting to go for years - even learned Italian so that I'd be ready whenever the opportunity arose. For some reason, however, I still haven't made it there. I've been to so many countries, but still not Italy. I think part of it is because I want to really spend time there - not just one or two weeks - more like two or three months and really feel like I've lived there and soaked it all up ... I'm sure one day soon ...

The good, the bad, and the next step

The Good

I'm home. I'm fine.

I can walk around, though I get tired easily and shifting positions - sitting to standing, getting up from bed - is still challenging. The right side of my abdomen is still quite sore so sleeping isn't quite comfortable, but overall, I'm definitely getting a little bit stronger each day. I've just got to be patient and resist doing too much at once.

The Bad

The surgery did not go as planned.

They told me that they opened me up - saw that multiple adhesions had formed from my previous surgery, and after a total of five surgeons worked on me and consulted with each other for just over two hours, they decided they would be doing more harm than good ... they closed me up and that was it.

Apparently a lot of scar tissue (adhesions) had formed between and around my organs after the surgery in 2008. This had fused my uterus and intestines together. They removed as many adhesions as they could, but it was not possible to remove all of them without risking major internal damage. It seems like the adhesions were so bad that the surgeons could not even get to my uterus.

What does this all mean?

They couldn't do the hysterectomy.

They couldn't even do a myomectomy.

They couldn't even remove the largest fibroid (6.5 cm) let alone the other smaller ones (just removed one 2 cm one).

As a result, my doctor recommends no surgery - ever again.

So nothing has changed. Nothing will change. I will have to continue dealing with the pain, discomfort, enlarged uterus, bloating, and so forth until we find another solution. At the moment, there doesn't seem to be an easy or effective one in front of us ...

The Next Step

Healing.

Right now all I'm focusing on is healing.

It has been absolutely exhausting talking about everything that has gone on. Everyone is saying - we'll see what happens; stay positive; some solution will come up for sure.

Of course I nod my head in agreement, when all I really want to do is scream and punch something.

Mentally. I'm totally fucked up.

There's really no other way to put it. I cannot explain the unbelievable amount of depression and hurt I am feeling inside. It is really hard to push past the implications of this ... and really hard for me not to think - Shit. I went through this surgery and am out of the gym for 6 weeks to heal for nothing. NOTHING. They told me once I had this surgery I could train like an athlete and finally physically see the results of all the hours and hard work I put in at the gym. Now, still enlarged and bloated - how fabulous.

I know they couldn't have understood the extent of my situation without having opened me up, but frankly that doesn't mean much to me as I'm sitting here at my desk, half leaning over because there is no comfortable position for me to properly sit in.

It was such a big step to take to begin with ... and the one thing that really pushed me forward was the thought of having NO PAIN after the surgery. It would all be over. I would feel normal. To have that completely yanked away from me - I can't even begin to explain what that feels like.

Honestly, when other people talk and make suggestions, most of me just zones out. I appreciate that they all mean well, but I think it's going to take a lot of time to get over this. I just feel completely empty.

Still - I'm here. The only thing I'm focusing on now is healing physically. I will not rush. I will do what I can. I will be vigilant about what I eat, and I will be back in that gym as soon as possible. I don't have the capacity to think about anything else or deal with anything else. I don't feel optimistic or pessimistic, hopeful or hopeless anymore - I just feel numb.

Healing at Home

I'm home.

I'm doing ok - tired, sore, still in pain - but so much better than Sunday.

Trip back from the hospital and up the two flights of stairs was exhausting ... But it's so good to be back.

Proper update tomorrow.

Hope everyone's been healthy. Hope to catch up on commenting over the next few days.