Shopping in preparation to travel to Bangladesh is always a bit challenging. People have requests for things that they'd like me to bring. I don't mind, but I asked them to let me know 2 weeks ago. I know that I'll get requests until the last minute. I know I can only do so much, but there's always the risk of offending someone if you don't cater to their wishes.
All I want to do is spend time with my parents and my grandmother. I'll be seeing them after 18 months -- plus this is the first trip after my aunt passed away. There are so many emotions that I'm feeling in relation to that. The fact that she's not there still seems surreal to me. I don't fully believe it. I think that I'm afraid that going there and not seeing her around the house and not hearing her voice or seeing her smile will devastate me. I don't want to go through it. In this case, ignorance is bliss.
All these feelings and thoughts directly manifest themselves in once again having a negative self-image. I don't feel like myself. I don't feel like I look like myself. I just want to jump out of my skin. I'm trying hard not to spit out negative comments about myself when I look in the mirror. I'm trying to tell myself to get a grip; I've moved past this way of thinking; I know better.
Yet I feel part of myself spiraling out of control. I'm nitpicking on little things that annoy me -- why didn't X return my call? Why didn't Y respond to my email? Why did Z forget to do the one thing I asked to be done?
It's be cause I'm ---- insert whatever negative thought you can think of.
I'm driving myself crazy.
I guess the fact that the other half of myself is trying to reign it all in and stay calm and collected is a good thing. I'm not bingeing on foods; I'm not taking any self-destructive actions -- I'm slowly treading on. Bit by bit. Step by step.