I Am Fat

I've read a lot of posts over the past couple of years about body image -- in particular about loving your body no matter what size it is. I respect their opinion, but I don't have that same perspective about myself.

I don't like the way I look. I'm not happy with my body shape. I know that I have improved over the past 3 years, but I still have a long way to go.

When I used to look in the mirror and see my fat reflection staring back at me, the following narrative would go through my mind:

Look at you. You're fat. You're ugly. You look disgusting. 
You should be ashamed of yourself for looking this way. 
Nobody will love you. Nobody wants to be around someone who is this fat. 
You're such a bad person to let yourself get so out of shape. What kind of terrible person does this? 
You are so lazy and lack discipline - you don't deserve to be thin or happy. 

As you can see, my body image was extremely negative and my self-hate levels were high.

I only had negative thoughts in my mind. I took my fat body as a representation of who I was and who I deserved to be. It defined my self worth. It defined my destiny.

It was a terribly dark time.

When I look in the mirror now, I still see an overweight person. I don't like the way my abdominal region looks at all. I feel self-conscious and at times I feel depressed about how I look.

However, this is the reality. This is my reality.

I don't think it's unhealthy or bad or self-loathing to be honest about your body.

I have minimized/practically eliminated all the other really negative, dark self-talk. Instead, I focus on coming up with a plan and figuring out how to get to where I want to be.

There are many people out there who say that they are happy in their oversized body.

I am not one of them.

When I look in the mirror, I see a fat person.

This doesn't mean that I'm not smart, not kind, not a good person. It just means that I'm fat.

I don't always get a positive reaction if I say this to other people. They say I'm being hard on myself and that I should love myself no matter what.

I think if those previous thoughts still consumed me, then perhaps that would be so. However, a big dose of reality and some tough love never hurt anybody. Just because you don't love your body doesn't mean you don't love yourself. It's two separate things. I don't think this realistic perspective makes me a self-hater or someone who is negative. I'm realistic. I know that if I don't change my habits then my body will not change. Therefore, I need to do the work. I think that facing this is much more productive than hiding behind a form of self-acceptance which can often lead to complacency.

Just as I'm sure that others don't want to be judged because they've accepted their overweight size, I don't want to be judged because I've chosen to be honest and say that I don't love my body and therefore I will do something about it. I cannot say anything about those who accept their body regardless of size because I honestly don't know how to do that or what that feels like. If that works for them and they are happy in life, then I am happy for them. That perspective, however, is not one that I share.

I am grateful for my body in that I am healthy enough to be without disease to be able to move without pain or problems and to have the strength to be able to work towards my goals -- but I am fat. This is how I see myself, and nothing anybody else will say can change that. Only I can change that by doing the work and putting in the effort, and I am 100% happy to do that because I'm worth it.

Just to clarify (or maybe confuse): Although I am calling myself fat, I am using it as an adjective to describe the size of my body. I am not using it to insult myself or as something negative - just as a fact. I think that calling others fat is hurtful as it is an unnecessary comment/observation to make.

Never call a guy fat either - insecurities and self consciousness knows no gender gap!

The New (two week) Plan

I found a nearby place for BJJ training. Fortunately for me, the classes don't start until the 1st week of August. Ramadan ends on July 28th so that works perfectly for me in terms of adjusting my eating, training, and sleeping schedule to this new routine.

Dealing with the long days has definitely been tricky in terms of thirst if I work out during the day, even if I go for a walk outside. I'm going to have to come up with the right balance as far as that is concerned.

Although it's the middle of the month, I've set goals for July. They're very simple, but they're goals nonetheless.

Goal 1: Hit my 10,000 steps count each day

Goal 2: Incorporate 2 resistance training routines per week

Goal 3: Stretch for 15 minutes daily
Goal 4: During long periods of sitting (e.g. when I'm doing my writing/research), get up and walk/move for 5 minutes every 30 minutes.

That's it.

Although I'm posting this today, I actually started implementing this plan from the 15th. It definitely needed some tweaking. I found that going out for a walk in the afternoon (particularly uphill) left me quite tired and thirsty. I will have to rethink the timing of my walks.

The combination of jet lag (up at around 2:30 a.m. each morning) and minimal food intake (there's only so much you can eat between 9:15 p.m. and 3:45 a.m. -- particularly when you want to get in a few hours of sleep!) has definitely left me weaker than I expected. Aside from a few hunger pangs during the day and a little bit of thirst, the fasting is actually fine. It's the fatigue from the lack of sleep that's mainly been getting to me.

I've been eating my usual dinners though now I'm eating at 9:15 p.m. Then, since I'm up because of my jet lag, around 3 a.m. I eat something - usually leftovers. The only beverage I've been drinking is water.

I estimate my calorie intake to be around 1200 even though I'm only eating 2 meals since my dinner portion has been a bit later than usual. I have mixed feelings about this - I know I need to get my calories in, but with such limited movement during the day, and particularly very little movement right after my meal, I don't know if I should tweak this? All I know is that I need to be sensible about my choices.

I weighed myself on the 15th and although I am a daily weigher, I will not check my weight again until August 1st. Although I am fasting, this is not a weight loss regime. It's religious ritual. I don't want the numbers on the scale to distract me from the real purpose behind fasting.

Here's a short article on fasting and your health if you're interested.

The Food

I know I wrote a post on staying healthy on holiday before I traveled -- I tried. I really did, but boy did the food get me.

Although there were mornings of eggs or yogurt and granola or fruit -- there were also mornings of pain au chocolats and muffins.

There were lunches/dinners of salads -- but there were also dinners of short ribs or pizza.

... and there was dessert.

I am so happy I stayed active over the holiday, but it wasn't enough. There too many periods of inactivity between workouts (lounging around, relaxing etc.) and too many calories in those indulgent meals. Add to that what felt like an endless journey back to London and I guess it's no surprise that I've gained some weight.

I know what needs to be done. It's just about doing it now.

The further challenge at this point is that I'm fasting. It's the month of Ramadan during which fasting involves no food or water from sunrise to sunset -- which is from around 3:50 a.m. to 9:15 p.m.

That's a long time to go without food or water, but that's not the part that worries me. I know the first couple of days are challenging because your body is getting used to the new routine. It does get easier.

The tough thing is the exercise. In Kuwait I would usually workout about 2 hours before it was time to break my fast. That way I would get home, shower, and be ready to eat.

However, I don't think I've ever been in a situation where sunset is SO late.

I know that I won't be doing my HIIT workouts during this time (too exhausting and they definitely make me thirsty), but I will be focusing on walking and perhaps some basic resistance training.

So, I won't be falling into a regular routine just yet but will have more of a modified one until the end of Ramadan ... and then I'll see where to go from there.

In a way, it's kind of good to go through this now as it'll be a sort of detox. The trick will be to eat the right things at the right time (isn't that always the key though) as I will be eating dinner much later than normal and will have to choose foods that will slowly release energy through the day.

Citizens was one of the restaurants at the Mandalay Bay. When ordering the chicken salad, the waiter told me that the portions were huge. He suggested sharing the salad - he would divide it into two bowls. I'm so glad he did. This photo is half a portion of the salad (I couldn't finish it -- and I didn't eat the corn or the fried bits that came with the salad). It was really good - chicken, lettuce, tomato, black beans, and avocado. However, the portion size bewildered me.

What's the point of serving such a massive salad? I wish I had taken a photo of the original size. If between 2 people it can't be completed, why serve it in the first place? Isn't it wasteful? The portion sizing in the States was overwhelming. I know people want more for their money but still -- it just seemed so wasteful to me. Still, I'm glad the waiter suggested we share the salad. It was tasty and definitely enough for two!

Eating, Training, and Sleeping

I'm back from my holiday! I had a great time in Las Vegas and Los Angeles, though my stay in LA was way too short! 

Aside from heading out to the States for a bit of R&R, the main purpose of the trip was to go to UFC 175. I got there about a week before the event, which is good because I definitely needed the extra time to get over the jet lag. 

Over the past 2 weeks I basically ate, trained, and slept (not much different to my normal schedule). I'm really glad I got as much training in as I did because the food was really tough to handle. Eating out 2-3 meals a day for 2 weeks was rough! I'll admit that despite my best intensions and effort to make healthier choices, I know that the foods I indulged in were really high in calories -- and even though I did exercise regularly, it wasn't enough to combat all the eating out ... 

Anyway. I just wanted to share a few pix of the holiday. 

Yay! Las Vegas!! I'm actually not a fan of Vegas at all. If it wasn't for the fight events, I definitely would have chosen a different holiday destination. 

Jet lag hit hard around 4 p.m. -- the best way to battle it was to head to the gym. 

I got in 4 gym workouts while in Vegas. I thought I would go easy with the weights but I ended up just continuing my regular routine and even managed to up the weights on some of my lifts! Happy :) 

To help get ready for the BJJ training seminars that were part of fight week, we moved all the furniture from the living room portion of the suite and made some space to do some drills. 

I completed 8 hours of BJJ training with Ryron and Rener Gracie. 

Here I am with the brothers!

Seminar Group Photo

In LA I stopped by CrossFit LA to say hello and get in a workout. OMG - I'm still sore from it (and that was 5 days ago)!! I tried pistols for the first time and did pull-ups (with a band) for the first time in over a year -- no wonder I have been so sore! 

Even though I was only in LA for a short visit, I just had to head to Jean Jacques Machado's BJJ academy for a training session. I can't even describe how warm and welcoming the atmosphere is here. 

This time I was lucky to meet the Master himself -- amazing man! 

I also got to meet Professor Jay Zeballos and attend his class. It was awesome! 

I was happy to show my support for Fighting Against Rape with my new patch. 

Heading back to the hotel after my final day of training and last day of my holiday -- it all went by so quickly! 

The best part of training on holiday, particularly attending seminars and meeting so many inspiring people, is that I've returned home with new motivation to tackle my goals for the rest of the year.

As always, there's much work to be done!

Preparing for Travel

I love traveling. Travel was my time to escape and explore, leaving the errands and to-do lists behind ... what freedom!

Lately, however, as I've gotten more and more into fitness, I've had to add a different element of concern to my travel plans -- how will I stay healthy during my trip?

The last thing I want to do is undo all the hard work I've put into living a healthy lifestyle. Let's face it, a lot of times the last thing you want to do is hit the gym when you're abroad (especially because at one time I was barely hitting the gym when I was at home)!

There have been many trips where, with the best intentions in mind, I've packed my workout clothes, only to return home with them still neatly folded in my suitcase plus a few extra pounds attached to my waistline.

So, is it possible to stay healthy while on holiday? Does it mean sacrificing touring time and culinary delights or can you have it all?

I think with a bit of planning, it's possible have a fabulous holiday without sacrificing your waistline.

1) List the things you refuse to compromise
You've got to choose what you absolutely want to do (notice that it is want to do and not have to do) and what you're willing to sacrifice. Is there a particular food that you have been waiting to try? Do you want to drink wine with every dinner meal? Is there an all-you-can-eat buffet you've been waiting years to try? Figure out what you absolutely want to have - no negotiations - and then recognize all the other things you're not as crazy about.

For me, especially when heading to Vegas where there are so many great restaurants, I've chosen the few that I want to try. For my other meals, I know that I'm going to have to be extra conscientious about what I choose. I know that I have to watch my portions. I know that I should ask for dressings on the side. I know to ask for things that are baked/steamed vs. fried.

These are things I know -- and they're easy to do.

2) Plan to do something active at least every other day if not daily
The main thing that has changed as I've gotten healthier and more into fitness is that I actually look for training opportunities. Lately, my gym clothes are the first things I set aside for my suitcase because I know that I'll want to get a few workouts in (plus working out does wonders for jet lag). Aside from using the hotel gym (and I do choose hotels that have a decent gym), since I've gotten into CrossFit and MMA training, I've looked for places where I can go to train - sometimes the first visit is free, other times there's a nominal amount to pay for a day pass to try out a gym. It's intimidating at first, but I've always felt welcome wherever I've gone.

If going to the gym or training center is not your thing, try to find some activities that you will enjoy. If you're on the beach, take half an hour to go for a stroll - I found that walking in the water is really challenging. Rent a bicycle, choose a hike, go on a walking tour --- there are so many opportunities out there.

3) Make a list of exercises you can do in your hotel room
Even though I love to exercise, I do find it difficult to motivate myself to do an in-room workout. I can go to the gym or training center, no problem -- but to get out of my comfy bed in order to do push ups or squats -- ugh, it does take motivation.

However, again, it is possible, and I have done it. Last year, when I knew I would be traveling for 7 weeks, I write down 20 different bodyweight workouts that could be done in my hotel room. They're different circuits that I can do each day - not requiring any equipment or much space. Even though it takes a bit of motivation to get started, having the workouts already written out for me definitely helps. I just choose a card and get to it. Usually I'll be done within 20 minutes -- and then I have the rest of the day ahead of me to enjoy.

two things I never travel without -- my list of workouts and my jump rope

4) Do a bit of research
It seems like breakfast is always a challenge for me -- what do I eat? It is so easy to grab a coffee accompanied by a pain au chocolat .... but I know I don't want to do that. Last night I spent time looking at the room service menu and checking out the menus of nearby restaurants. I've found that there are plenty of choices out there. Some places will require me to made a few modifications, but still, I know where I can go to enjoy a healthy meal.


The bottom line is -- it all depends on how badly you want it. Take a bit of time, figure out all the healthy choices you've got, and build your holiday around them. It doesn't mean you can do the fun things you wanted to or taste the foods you've been looking forward to ... just be sensible and stay active.

some of my training gear for this holiday

Attitudes

I't s been one month since I've moved to the UK. The month has flown by and I can't recall a single day when I have not been busy. In terms of relocating to a new country, it has all gone quite well. It's been tedious, but thankfully there haven't been any major mishaps or problems -- it's just all been exhausting.

Last week I had movers bring some of my boxes and furniture from the storage unit to the house. I tell you, I am so tired of looking at boxes and dealing with trying to get rid of the packaging material. Then of course there's trying to figure out where to put stuff in the new house. It's coming together ... but boy has it been a lot of work.

Anyway.

I've survived my first month, and I am happy to say I have absolutely no regrets moving to London. It's so very different from Kuwait -- but I'm enjoying all the new changes.

I'm loving the fresh air, shopping for fresh protein and produce, and walking everywhere instead of always driving.

As I said, considering that I've moved to an entirely new continent/country/culture, it has all gone very well.

Celebrating my first month in England with a mini getaway to Oxford

One thing that I think has surprised a number of people - including myself - has been my attitude.

Despite the changes (and some of them have been big ones, particularly downsizing the house and simplifying our lifestyle to some extent), I've chosen to see only the positives. If I wanted to, I could spend each day lamenting over the things that I don't have anymore, the things that I'm not doing anymore, the people that I'm not seeing anymore ... it is so easy to get caught up in that type of cycle of negativity and depression. I think that if this move had happened 3 years ago, I would have been caught up in that kind of a funk.

I firmly believe that this positive attitude has transferred from the lessons I've learned in trying to live a healthier lifestyle.

Conceptually the general concept of living a healthy lifestyle is not difficult or complicated -- eat healthy food and exercise regularly.

However, to really succeed at it, you need to look at the details. You need to be patient through the trial and error process while figuring out what foods suit you best and what type of exercise will benefit you most. You need to accept the fact that you may be spending hours each week at the gym but the progress may not show until months later -- and despite that lack of instant gratification, you need to dig deep and believe that all the things you're doing will pay off in the end ... that what feels like a sacrifice now will be a rewarding experience later.

I feel like I have spent too many years of my life being sad, frustrated, and bitter (at myself, other people, the world). It was silly. However, I guess for my life experience, I had to go through that. I needed to go through the difficulties in order to find my strength ...

... and that really is the the biggest lesson/reward that has come through for me: the realization that I am strong - both physically and mentally. I still find it challenging to remember this, but having gone through so many different struggles in my life and surviving them, I know that I can get through anything. It may not be easy, it may not have a quick solution, but I have seen how dedication, patience, and hard work really does pay off.

It may seem like a silly correlation to make when I'm associating it with something as basic as moving house -- but I think that's the best part. I've learned such an important lesson and I can apply it to even the simplest thing. It really makes it all worthwhile.

I'm still working on myself. I'm still learning, still growing, still struggling ... the important thing right now is to continue to have a positive attitude and keep at working to reach my goals.

MetaFit

Regardless of my schedule, I've found that if I can hit the gym regularly, my life begins to feel 'normal.' I still have a lot of house stuff to deal with, but I feel like I finally have a bit of a routine. My main goal right now is to wake my body up! I'm happy with the weights program I have for myself. I've mixed in both my own workout plus the one set up by one of the trainers at the gym -- it feels great. I'm not lifting heavy, but I am challenging myself with every rep. I can't even put into words how good it feels to get back into it!

On top of weight lifting, I've started doing one more thing -- MetaFit class.

Metafit actually originated at the gym that I go to. It's a circuit of body weight exercises, choreographed to specific work/rest intervals. Here's a link to a brief intro video -- MetaFit Class. The class reminds me of CrossFit, just minus the weights.

When you hear the description of 'bodyweight' exercises and 'no equipment' and '30 minutes' -- it can raise a lot of questions.

How difficult can it be?
Will it be effective?
Will it be interesting enough to keep me motivated?

It all boils down to one basic answer: It depends on you.  

It is very, very challenging. As with anything, it all depends on how much effort you want to put into it. The good thing about the class is that you can adapt it to your physical capabilities -- there are always ways to modify an exercise if you need to and there are always ways to turn it up a notch (or two) if something is easy.

As with any type of HIIT training, I think it is very effective. Again, it also depends on what you put into it -- not just in class, but after class. The workouts get your heart rate up, they really push you, and the effects are long lasting … however, if you leave class and eat unhealthily, it can negate the positive impact of the class.

In terms of being interesting -- I've gone to 5 classes so far and I've only had 1 repeated workout. It really depends on your attitude towards the exercises. There are so many bodyweight exercises that I dread -- mountain climbers, burpees, explosive jacks -- but if you take it as a challenge to get at least one more rep in each time or at least improve your form, then it keeps it interesting. Add to that the dynamic of the class and the coaches motivating you and I think you've got a winning formula. Let's put it this way, it's no more monotonous than going to a spinning class or a Body Pump class -- you know what to expect, you have your basic set of moves, but somehow each class is different.

While you can do all of the exercises at home with no extra equipment or the need for much space, it's not the same when you don't do it with the class or with a trainer. You know that you'll push harder when somebody else is there with you -- that in itself adds to the perks of the class.

So that's what I've been doing here. I've really been trying hard and I can feel it in my body. I've got that good kind of sore feeling going on all the time and I love it. All I need to do now is fit in some proper MMA training and I'll be set!