I realized that at that moment when I was attacked, my first thought was - I don't care. Let them attack me.
What a horrifying thought.
I have been doing all this self-defence and fighting mostly because I don't want to feel vulnerable or scared. Most of all, I don't want to be a victim. I do not want to see myself as a victim anymore.
I was mortified that after training for so many months, that was still the first thought that popped into my head. It was the first time I was put in such a situation, but still - why did I slip into being helpless? Why didn't I react?
I know that I reacted to the attack once I was rolled on the ground. The Jiujitsu training I had been doing automatically kicked in and I was able to escape. That in itself was a bit of a relief, but the fear was overwhelming.
I woke up this morning realizing that I didn't want to be the victim. I didn't want FREEZE to be my first reaction. I'm doing my MMA training to learn how to defend myself, to build my confidence in terms of knowing who I am and knowing that I am able to stand on my own two feet.
Maybe I needed that incident to happen at this particular time (when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable as well) for me to realize what I really want. I know that after training in Vegas, I was really pumped about continuing to train. However, that was more about the physical side - getting the techniques right and becoming strong. Today's realization was more about what it actually means to me. How training in MMA was not to fight, but to be able to defend myself if I needed --- and most of all, to be able to stand in full confidence knowing that I don't need to fight because I already know I'm in control.
This is my goal. This is what I'm training for. This is what I discovered of myself this morning.
Then I saw this video for the first time -- it's amazing. It brought tears to my eyes because it moved me so much. So much of what Rener said rang true to what I was feeling and experiencing.
Please take a few minutes and watch this video - it's incredible. (If the video link doesn't work, check Gracie Bullyproof: Austin's 1 week transformation on YouTube or on my Facebook page Plumpetals Fit).