Friday, August 23, 2013

Searching for Resolve

This past week has been really difficult - from dealing with the loss of my aunt to facing a terrifying situation to just generally feeling out of sync. I've had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, but one of the main thoughts I woke up with this morning was about Tuesday's Kajukenbo class when I froze in the middle of the surprise attack sequence.

I realized that at that moment when I was attacked, my first thought was - I don't care. Let them attack me.

What a horrifying thought.

I have been doing all this self-defence and fighting mostly because I don't want to feel vulnerable or scared. Most of all, I don't want to be a victim. I do not want to see myself as a victim anymore.

I was mortified that after training for so many months, that was still the first thought that popped into my head. It was the first time I was put in such a situation, but still - why did I slip into being helpless? Why didn't I react?

I know that I reacted to the attack once I was rolled on the ground. The Jiujitsu training I had been doing automatically kicked in and I was able to escape. That in itself was a bit of a relief, but the fear was overwhelming.

I woke up this morning realizing that I didn't want to be the victim. I didn't want FREEZE to be my first reaction. I'm doing my MMA training to learn how to defend myself, to build my confidence in terms of knowing who I am and knowing that I am able to stand on my own two feet.

Maybe I needed that incident to happen at this particular time (when I'm feeling emotionally vulnerable as well) for me to realize what I really want. I know that after training in Vegas, I was really pumped about continuing to train. However, that was more about the physical side - getting the techniques right and becoming strong. Today's realization was more about what it actually means to me. How training in MMA was not to fight, but to be able to defend myself if I needed --- and most of all, to be able to stand in full confidence knowing that I don't need to fight because I already know I'm in control.

This is my goal. This is what I'm training for. This is what I discovered of myself this morning.

Then I saw this video for the first time -- it's amazing. It brought tears to my eyes because it moved me so much. So much of what Rener said rang true to what I was feeling and experiencing.

Please take a few minutes and watch this video - it's incredible. (If the video link doesn't work, check Gracie Bullyproof: Austin's 1 week transformation on YouTube or on my Facebook page Plumpetals Fit).


  1. Be strong and courageous.

  2. Well, one thing is for sure - people who are bullied and feel defenseless gain all kinds of confidence in learning marital arts.

    1. It's been a great experience for me so far, and the ones that have been most challenging have also been the most rewarding.

  3. Hi Ayesha! Well, I cannot explain how much assertiveness training I've had at my gym, just in everyday situations. I've not had it in the way you've explained, but know that I need more of it. :D

    1. Hi Marion :) I do feel like each experience has helped me in some way. My goal has not wavered, and the learning process is helping me become stronger -- I just need to remember that!


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