Fighting it Out

I seem to be teetering between being courageous and feeling apprehensive about being courageous. I think the bottom line is that I know I want to be, and so I'm going to keep working towards that.

This mental flip-flop that I've been going through as well as my search for resolve have both reminded me at how much effort - constant vigilance - is required in this quest to get healthy. There is so much more than just the physical weight loss that I need to tackle. However, it is getting better.

I had an a-ha moment a week or so ago that I didn't write about because it didn't really have to do with physical fitness. However, I realize that it did have to do with being healthy - mentally healthy. I was caught in one of those situations where one of my friends said something to me that caught me off guard. It wasn't negative towards me, but it was something this person had kept hidden from me (there's way too much back story to get into right now, so a piecemeal summary will have to do for now). My first instinct was to Binge on Negative Thoughts (something I wrote about back in April).

However, I quickly stopped myself and said - No. This person did not say/do X to you because you're overweight or because you have no value. This person said/did this because that's the kind of person THEY are. They are the kind of person that feels the need to be shady, sneaky, evasive, or unmindful of my thoughts/feelings/time. It has nothing to do with me.

I don't like that my first reaction is still one that is negative, but it is something that I'm working on. Plus I'm not saying that this person/these people are bad; their priorities and focus are just in a different place. It has nothing to do with me.

Today was Day 1 of a Kajukenbo seminar series that is being held here in Kuwait. It was a really great experience for me, especially given all the things that I've recently been going through. We went over a few self-defense tactics during the seminar. One thing Grand Master Janice Somera said really resonated with me - it was about believing in yourself and believing that you are worth defending.

I remember not so long ago, I definitely didn't believe that. I had to chip away at that negative thought bit by bit. It sure didn't come naturally. On most days I lived on the 'fake it till you make it' mantra. Slowly, as I set goals and accomplished them, I started to believe in myself more.

I still get a bit shaky. I still look around for approval - from friends, from coaches, from everyone really. I still feel like I'm on the outside of the fitness world, even though I know I've accomplished so much (again, it has to do with reactions/actions/statements of others). It's ok though. Coming to terms with all of these things is part of the process.

So, I'm still working around all these thoughts. I imagine that this will go on for a while as there is not simple solution. The important thing is not to give up -- to keep moving forward and fight it out.