Recovery

Today was a recovery day for me. I didn't get much sleep this week, and my routine was all over the place ... I was hoping by this afternoon I'd feel up to a workout ... but it wasn't happening ... so today I just relaxed. I think what I really need is a good night's sleep.

On the food front, however, it's all been fine. Lots and lots of water -- and leftover fruit from last night's Edible Bouquet arrangement that I received instead of a birthday cake.

I think it's a great idea as to still have something special on your birthday, but not risk overindulging in icing etc. It was unique, beautiful, tasty, and guilt-free (I didn't even have the chocolate covered ones)!

Buffet - Friend or Foe?

Three hours of sleep + 8 a.m. class of 35 students + 10 oral presentations = NOT FUN!

Still, overall it was worth it - at least it's finally the weekend (Fridays and Saturdays are off in Kuwait).

So last night we went to a buffet for dinner. I've read quite a few blog posts about people going to buffets and seeing it as an absolute nightmare. Patter after platter of food and no portion control -- you can go up as many times as you want and eat as much as you want ... there is nobody there to stop you ...

Well, I think that's just one side of the story.

I was actually relieved that we were going to a buffet. For me it meant that I was in complete control. I didn't need to look at a menu and try to figure out what I wanted - guessing how much sauce something came with, wondering if there would be cheese on top of something, etc. etc. Instead I could go up and look at all my options -- what was fried, what looked like it had rich sauces, and of course identify the healthier options - salad, vegetables, fish ...

It is tricky though, especially the salad bar -- I approached it first, thinking that I could fill up on the salad ... but I noticed that most of the salads were already mixed with creamy dressings ... that was a no go for me. There was a platter of grilled vegetables - zucchini, red bell peppers, and eggplant ... I just had a few slices of the zucchini. Stayed completely away from the bread and rice - and was relieved that their one fish dish was grilled tandoori fish -- dry heat, no sauce perfect for me given the circumstance. I was also relieved that most of the other dishes had meat in them ... it definitely makes it a LOT easier since that just removes the temptation ... Did I overdo it? I don't think so. I didn't feel full after I left ... I think it also helps that I'm a slow eater and that I was surrounded by friends so the talking/laughing was more of a priority than eating.

Yes, lots of laughter ...

and that was before I saw the gorgeous pair of heels inside the box ;)

I think it's important to have and stick to a food plan ... but I think it's also necessary to be able to cope when you're in a situation where there are factors out of your control. Even in those situations you can have a plan -- you can control how much you put on your plate. At a buffet no server will come and plop a massive serving of buttery mashed potatoes on your plate ... if it's on your plate - YOU PUT IT THERE. I don't think you need to starve or deprive yourself of food -- I've definitely been there. I remember a time when I was afraid to eat ... every mouthful - even if it was just a cucumber - was followed by guilt. Look how far that got me -- nowhere at all.

My attitude towards food has definitely changed. Even foods that I used to find tempting before don't tempt me anymore. Some people post pictures of cupcakes oozing with chocolate frosting or lasagnas bursting with cheese ... I can honestly say that it doesn't make me think 'Ooo I wish I could have some of that' ... and I think another thing that has helped is taking more control of my cooking at home. Buying fresh ingredients, eating lots of fruits and vegetables and cooking in a way that is not only portion controlled but ingredient controlled seems to have changed my taste buds ... do I still like chocolate, ice cream, and all that stuff ... of course. Do I want any. No.

So last night was not a normal day in my routine, but I think I handled it very well, and I had an amazing time. I guess we'll see if my approach to food worked when I weigh in on Sunday. No matter what choices you make, the proof is in the numbers. If I weigh in and I've put on a few pounds then you can tell me that everything I just wrote is BS ... but I'm confident in what I've said. We'll see. [By the way, here's a short article about how to approach a buffet.]

No gym today - lots of furniture moving in preparation for tonight and some boxing skill training that I can do at home (I restart lessons next week - gotta be prepared) ... and perhaps a nap to recover from just a few hours of sleep last night!

100th Post!

This is my 100th post! I can't believe it! I have absolutely loved blogging - as I said in a previous post, I've found blogging to be so cathartic ... and the support network out there has been amazing. It's made a huge difference in several aspects of my life. After yesterday's anxiety and subsequent recovery, I'm definitely feeling much better.

Today has been a great day so far ...

Had a great class with my students.

Went to the gym for some cardio followed by a challenging body balance class.

Lunch with my RPM trainer, M (ex-body balance instructor) and J - one of my main gym inspirations. A few edamame and 5 pieces of sushi plus lots and lots of water.

Some time with my parents and chillin' with D ... off to dinner with friends this evening.

Feeling truly blessed.

I'm 35 today, but I feel 27! Wishing myself a healthy year ahead -- and the same to all of you ;)

Cheers!

Burn it to the Ground

I had a rough morning/afternoon.

My anxiety was bad - the worst attack I've had in about a year. Heart racing and pounding through my chest, restlessness, nausea, feelings of helplessness ... I had to struggle to fight the urge to vomit - that's a path I'm not going down again.

I knew what it was ... for the past five or six years my birthday has always made me anxious. It's not about getting older - not at all. I've never had a problem with the whole age thing. I'm perfectly fine with turning 35 tomorrow.

The anxiety lies elsewhere -- it's all attached to painful memories ... bad experiences that surrounded my birthday in the recent past ...

I understand the powerful consequences of trauma - but I don't want to be that girl who is anxious over various events that happened years ago. Why should I be a prisoner to distant memories - events that are no longer relevant in my life. Sure they happened. Sure they had an impact ... but should they affect me now? Today? Ever? I don't want it to be that way.

I got my stuff together and decided to head to the gym ... on my drive over my heart was racing and I was having second thoughts. Going to the gym in the early evening meant it would be crowded - my friends would be there - I'd have to socialize and I didn't know if I could handle it. It sounds silly, doesn't it ... but if you've had anxiety/panic attacks (and went through a really bad 2-year spell of social anxiety) then you know what I'm talking about.

I had a non-stop internal monologue going during the 2o-minute drive.

You can do this.

Do not be a prisoner to your fear.

You are stronger than that.

What happened in the past is in the past -- no good can come from rehashing those memories.

You define who you are at this moment.

etc.

etc.

etc.

I got to the gym and went upstairs to where my locker is. The room was empty - thank goodness. I had some editing to do so I sat down and worked for a solid 45 minutes ... just trying to focus my concentration on my work ... and keep convincing myself that I had nothing to worry about. Everything was fine.

At 5:45 I took a deep breath and headed up to the spinning studio. It had been a while since I had been to RPM class - but I knew M&D would be there and I was trying to tell myself to look forward to being around my friends versus feeling anxious.

Then the music started ... and I started to feel better.

I pedaled faster.

I increased the intensity.

Sweat was pouring - my heart was racing - but this time in a good way.

Track 3 was exhausting; luckily D chose a great track for recovery -- track 5 and I was ready to go - my legs burning, but my adrenalin soaring ... and track 7 - one of my all time favorites - Burn it to the Ground by Nickelback. YES!!!

"No fear, no doubt. All in, balls out!"

I gave it everything I had. Everything.

Tracks 8 & 9 were cool down and I felt like a new person.

As I showered and got dressed I felt good. I was proud of myself for not letting the anxiety get to such a point where I felt like the most I could do was just lie in bed and hide from the world. This may not seem like a big deal ... but for me it is.

The demons are not gone. There are still issues that need to be dealt with. There is still a lot of anxiety -- but for the first time, when facing an attack as bad as it was earlier today, I stood up to myself and said - No. This is NOT good for you. You CAN get through this ... and I did.

Fired Up for Fall - Week 4

As I've said in my previous posts, things are getting better - and that's important. Gaining back that confidence and mental calm of having a routine has been making a big difference. I feel like it's made me more effective versus frantically trying to fit everything in. I hate being frantic, which sucks because I get frantic and anxious often.

Still, there's lots to be done and trying to stay on top of everything has been challenging - as always, one step at a time.

I completed workout B of NROL4W's phase 2 ... it went ok. Most of the exercises were new to me so I felt a bit uncertain as I approached them. It's always a bit tricky figuring out how much weight to use when you're doing it for the first time - but I guess it's just part of the learning process. Workout B of this phase also has HIIT training at the end of it. Just 14 minutes of cardio intervals. I took it easy since I'm finally feeling better so I didn't go into all-out sprints, but I completed the cardio - with a bit extra at the end {plus my warm-up cardio before weights} ... I'm gonna take another look at the explanations in the book to see if I'm doing them correctly.

Anyway - On to Fired up for Fall ...

In yesterday's post I mentioned how having to reflect on my goals and what I've been doing to reach them on a weekly basis has really made me aware of how quickly time is flying. I think keeping the bigger picture in mind is definitely important, but it's also important to realize that time is passing ... each day is an opportunity to make me life better in some way. That's really important for me to remember ... and that brings me to my motivation picture for this week ...

Part I: My motivation picture for this week

Part II: WEEK 4 QUESTIONS

What have you done this week to achieve your goals?

I've made good progress on my thesis -- it's frustrating not being done yet. However, I'm glad I've got the extra time to edit. It's amazing how much time it takes. I've spent over 2 hours editing just a single page. It's tough - but I'm pleased with what I've done so far.

I'm finally back at the gym! I didn't restart until Wednesday so I didn't manage 5 workouts, but I did manage 3. I also started Phase 2 of NROL4W - loving it! I'm so pleased to be lifting weights again!

I'm down 4 pounds since the start of this challenge -- only 6 left. I hope this continues!!

I haven't experimented much with recipes this week -- hopefully I'll get a chance to try something out this upcoming week.

I have started organizing some of the stuff in my home office -- there are just SO MANY papers everywhere ... since I'm still writing and referring back to my data notes and research I need them to be easily accessible, but still, I'm making progress in others areas.

What have you done to make yourself feel fabulous?

Aside from an awesome night out with friends on Thursday, tickets for a 3-week trip to Argentina with my BFF are booked!!! It's not until January, but I am very, very excited!!

What is your go to food/habit when you've had a bad day?

I am so happy to say that I don't go to food when I'm having a bad day as I know that eating something unhealthy will make me feel worse. However, I still have some compulsive habits that I turn to -- like organizing (mega organizing and tidying up) -- at least it's productive ... otherwise I usually go to the gym to work off the stress ... or I'll cook ... or shop

What's the last thing you did that you were really proud of?

I was really proud of my performance on my post-vacation baseline tests - both for Workout A and Workout B. Seeing the improvement really made me feel like I had accomplished something.

Fun time: What was your favorite subject in school, and your least favorite? Why?

My two favorite subjects were psychology and English literature -- and I ended up double-majoring in them in college. I remember my first day in psychology class -- the instructor asked - Why do we do the things we do? - Almost 20 years later I still think, what a great question ... and am still amazed by the different reasons people have for doing what they do ... not an easy question to answer at all ... as for literature - it really stems from my love of reading, of getting lost in somebody else's world. I really admire the skill it takes to write well.

Least favorite -- physics and math!!! I just didn't get them - at all. I really, really struggled in those classes. They traumatized me.

Noticing Changes

I am starting to feel much better. My cough has almost completely disappeared, but more than that, I finished my course of antibiotics which means that I'm no longer suffering from the side-effects. Now that the drowsiness and lethargy are gone, my insomnia is back! Still, I'd much rather deal with my insomnia than lethargy.

I also feel like getting back to a somewhat 'normal' schedule has helped. I'm still working on my thesis every day, but I've broken it up into little chunks - 2 hours in the morning, 3 in the afternoon, 2 more in the evening. In between I'm taking a bit of time to rest, catch up on some housework, and of course hit the gym.

I started slow this week because I didn't want to risk a relapse, but still just the bit of movement that I've been doing has made me feel the difference already.

In addition, my food and water intake have been really good. I was really, really pleased this morning to see my weight down another 2 pounds from last week. I haven't seen a consecutive loss of weight (albeit very small amount) in a long time ... and I'm wondering what the difference is. A few things have definitely changed - I'm back at home - I was traveling quite a bit over the summer and that always makes consistent, steady weight loss a bit tough. I've got a more established schedule versus how haphazard things were over summer vacation. I'm also back in the kitchen, carefully preparing my food - spending the time and money on getting the right ingredients to make sure I eat right ... and making smart choices when I go out to eat, so no matter what even if the food is not exactly what I had planned to eat, it's never off plan - does that make sense?

In any case, all of these things don't seem like that big of a deal - it's more like getting back into a regular routine ... the main change though has been this blog.

I'm nearing my 100th post, which coincidentally will fall on my birthday ... Aside from using this blog to just vent and ramble on about my thoughts, what's been amazing is the community I've discovered.

There are some incredible stories of weight loss out there - those who are really trying and seeing changes ... and then there are those who are struggling, which is in a way comforting to see in that I know I'm not alone in this. I've received many supportive emails and comments on my posts.

Aside from blogging, I also joined two on-line challenges. At first I wasn't sure how this would work - I mean, it's an on-line challenge with people from around the world - how is this going to work?

There are different motivations for each challenge --

Fire up for fall is just a weekly set of questions ... but it's really interesting to see how as you approach the first question -- which is always 'What have you done this week to achieve your goals?' - you immediately have to reflect. What have I done? Did I make an effort? Did I take the right steps that will get me where I want to be? Or did I falter? Was there something real that stood in my way or was it me just making an excuse? So on and so forth -- these questions matter. When you realize that you are going to be asked this every week, you start to make sure that you do something so that you have something positive to report. Could you lie? Sure -- but come on, how will that help you out?

The second challenge - Triple Dog Dare Challenge

Now this challenge is entirely different. It's a group of people who are following basically the same meal plan, with a few customizations. We get daily emails keeping us motivated and occasionally containing guidelines and reminders, and we weigh in every week. Again, could you lie? Sure - but if you report a weight less than what you really are, then who are you really kidding?

So upon hitting week 4 of Fire up for fall and week 3 of Triple Dog Dare these are the things I've noticed:

Accountability matters - if you take it seriously, it can really make a difference.

Acknowledgement from others makes a difference - Knowing that somebody else will be reading what you're writing makes you want to try harder and do more so that you can show your effort ...

Consistent weekly reports mean that you have to reflect every week. You get to sit down and think -- am I doing everything I can do to further my progress? It also gives you a sense of how quickly time passes - Another week has gone by already? Shit. I need to get my ass in gear.

Patience is key -- putting on the weight didn't happen over night, so just changing your habits isn't going to get the weight off over night ... You have to keep at it all the time. I know I have a hard time with this, but I'm working on it.

Planning ahead is important. Make a menu. List the ingredients. Shop accordingly - don't buy other stuff. Don't buy junk food. Don't even bring temptation into the house.

So, I'm down just about 4 pounds in 2 weeks ... I'm pleased with that because I've actually just gone below my plateau weight that I've been hovering around for the past year. This in itself is more motivation to keep pushing, keep trying ... and what a great feeling it is to know that if I get stuck, I've got a whole new community who is right there ready to support me.

I never expected getting involved in this type of blog to be so rewarding -- I'm really pleased.

For those of you who read regularly and comment/email - thank you. It really does make a difference. I hope I can do the same for others as well.

Reality check

"I'm not a saint and I'm not a sinner,

Everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner"

~ Lily Allen: The Fear ~

There are some people who seem to be able to look in the mirror and say, "I love myself. Unconditionally. Fat rolls, stretch marks, triple chins and all."

I can't do that.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.

I don't want to hear that I'm being too hard on myself or it's all about inner beauty. This actually does not have anything to do with you -- it has everything to do with me.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.

It's plain and simple. Every inch of me reflects choices that I made or didn't make. My reflection in the mirror does not lie -- there's no reason for me to make up stories in my head saying, "At least you've lost X amount of pounds. You should be happy."

I'm not denying that I have worked hard - because my hard work is reflected in the mirror too. I am willing to give myself credit where credit is due (and that in itself is a HUGE step for me). However, the work is not done.

I don't beat myself up about my image as much as I used to -- I've lessened the harshness of my vocabulary realizing that the adjectives 'hate' and 'ugly' weren't helping my case. However, I don't fool myself. I'm still realistic about what I see in the mirror -- and I'm doing something about it.

I am still overwhelmed at the task ahead -- it's going to take a lot of work. I feel fortunate that I've never been afraid of working hard. I am ready to continue this journey and finish strong. I know that it will still take time. Real change doesn't happen over night. I have to be patient. I have to be practical. I have to be realistic.

When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see ...

... but I will work my ass off (literally) until I do.