"I'm not a saint and I'm not a sinner,
Everything's cool as long as I'm getting thinner"
I can't do that.
When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.
I don't want to hear that I'm being too hard on myself or it's all about inner beauty. This actually does not have anything to do with you -- it has everything to do with me.
When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see.
It's plain and simple. Every inch of me reflects choices that I made or didn't make. My reflection in the mirror does not lie -- there's no reason for me to make up stories in my head saying, "At least you've lost X amount of pounds. You should be happy."
I'm not denying that I have worked hard - because my hard work is reflected in the mirror too. I am willing to give myself credit where credit is due (and that in itself is a HUGE step for me). However, the work is not done.
I don't beat myself up about my image as much as I used to -- I've lessened the harshness of my vocabulary realizing that the adjectives 'hate' and 'ugly' weren't helping my case. However, I don't fool myself. I'm still realistic about what I see in the mirror -- and I'm doing something about it.
I am still overwhelmed at the task ahead -- it's going to take a lot of work. I feel fortunate that I've never been afraid of working hard. I am ready to continue this journey and finish strong. I know that it will still take time. Real change doesn't happen over night. I have to be patient. I have to be practical. I have to be realistic.
When I look in the mirror, I don't like what I see ...
... but I will work my ass off (literally) until I do.
Great post! I feel the same way. I spent a long time making excuses to myself, lying to myself that I was fine, I looked fine. But I didn't and I don't still. You're right..keep working until you do like what you see.
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the great comments on my blog lately. I really appreciate them.
Hi Plum Petals! Be kind to yourself. You're probably very mentally tired from your writing and research. I was extremely tired straight through all of my years at law school.
ReplyDeleteYou *do* need to care a lot for yourself to make better health choices. Healthy lifestyle changes start with self-love and self-hope. Those are the only ones that people can maintain.
And you sound like an intelligent interesting person. How can you honestly look in the mirror and not really like yourself for that? As I get older, I realize how wonderful it is to have a fine analytical mind. I love being a nerd girl and hope you do too. :D
:-) Marion
I sympathize! I used to hate mirrors. Now, I still dislike my reflection unless I'm fully dressed. Dressed, I can hide the loose skin, saggy everything, and stretch marks.
ReplyDeleteAm I proud of how far I've come? Of course. Am I kinder than I used to be? Yes. But I still don't love my body either.
I wonder what we humans did before there were mirrors?! :)
ReplyDeleteSending good vibes your way, you are working out hard, and eating well, so you are well on your way to where you want to be...
RY
Thanks guys -- I don't obsess over it the way I used to before -- that doesn't get me anywhere. My reflection just reminds me that there's a long way to go ... but I'm getting there :)
ReplyDelete