Monday, October 7, 2013

Negotiating Pain

I had a terrible day on Sunday. From morning until night, I was in excruciating pain (details of my health history here). It was hard for me to get up from sitting position, and it hurt to walk. I was really frustrated. Part of me felt like I jinxed myself because I gave a health update and brought the whole situation to the forefront of my mind. Sounds silly, but the question that kept going through my mind was - Why now? The pain has gradually been getting worse over the past 6 weeks, but this was the worst it has been in months. I'm talking nearly going to the hospital and wishing I was crazy enough to cut myself open and just take the damn fibroids out myself. Yes. Drastic, I know. But I swear that's all I was thinking.

There are many emotions that can revolve around experiencing pain. Sadness. Frustration. Anxiety. Irritation.

My main feeling: Anger.

I get angry because I feel like I've worked too damn hard on my health to be suffering from a health consequence.

I know that I can be stubborn sometimes (or maybe a lot?), but that stubbornness really comes out when I'm put in a situation that I feel like I can't control - one that I desperately want to control.

I try to focus on thoughts of not being defeated - This will not get me down. I will not stop. I will keep going. It's only pain. I will not be defined/constrained/limited by this. {At the same time, it really fucking hurts.}

I know that before when I would experience terrible, terrible cramps, my inclination would be to just curl up in a ball, try to sleep, and just wait for the feeling to pass (assisted by lots of painkillers). However, slowly, especially as I started signing up for classes like cardio kickboxing, I started to work through the pain. I'd have to really force myself to get up and go for my workout. Once there, I would just get on with my workout. It wouldn't always be comfortable, but it was never totally impossible (except for once. Once it was really, really bad.)

So in my mind I was trying to convince myself to do a bit of exercise. Perhaps once I started moving and got into something else, it would distract me from my pain.

I did my Sunday circuit at home (I forced myself; it was really tough and not enjoyable at all - I skipped the burpees).

The big test came with Jiujitsu class. I really, really wanted to go, but I knew that it would be tough. All that moving around on the ground, swinging your arms/legs around -- ugh. Today was not the best day for it at all.

However, I love Jiujitsu. I've paid for the classes. I really like the instructor, and I didn't want to miss his class. So, I got ready and I went. I ended up being the only one in class (again). I was actually ok with it because I felt like I couldn't really focus on anyone else. He did have another guy come in - someone to assist him - and we practiced together.

The warm-up was tough. Sitting on the ground and doing the stretches was really painful. Yet I refuse to show weakness (though at one point tears almost sprang to my eyes). I didn't want him to know I was in pain. I didn't want to admit that I was feeling sub-par. If I had had an injury or it was something serious, then I would have said something. But this was just pain. It's not like the fibroids were going to burst (if only!) or anything. So I just got on with it.

By the time we started practicing techniques, I was all warmed up and I could feel my adrenaline building. I think that's what helped me get through the class. It was great. I'm so glad I went.

Unfortunately, within half an hour of cooling down and heading home, the pain came back. I almost couldn't drive home. I was so miserable. (Maybe I should have started exercising again!)


Sunday involved several painkillers. I called my acupuncturist to set up an appointment for pain management. She can't see me until Oct. 22!!! I'm on the wait list in case anything opens up, but in the meantime, I'm going to have to see how I can get on -- and try to stay off the painkillers.

Thankfully I felt better today. No painkillers necessary. I did get a good night's sleep, and although I was busy all day, I tried to keep my stress levels low and relax as much as possible. Only mild exercise today (walking plus stretching).

It's now really time for me to come up with a solution for this pain. I don't want to have another day like this at all.


  1. Sounds awful. Sending you positive thoughts and well wishes:) Hope you find the cure and get 100 percent as soon as you are able.

  2. I cannot imagine what you are going through with all your pain and still trying to go on with your activities. I hope things improve very soon.

    One of the things the last eye doctor I saw said to me was that I should try to distract myself from thinking about it. Even though I'm not experiencing great pain, my eyes are so uncomfortable that it is almost impossible not to think about it. I do try though. Ever onward. :)

  3. Hi A! I feel so bad for you. I guess time will tell what you have to do about this situation, including medical solutions. I have no idea how you manage to stay upbeat with that pain. When Taylor Swift was referring to pain, I'm pretty sure she was referring to emotional pain, not the physical pain you have. Treat yourself with TLC, okay? :D

  4. I hope you get well soon, I feel so motivated and inspired to workout when I am in pain (I am sure it's nothing compared to what you go through) I wish I could be as strong as you.
    sending loads of hugs and love :)


Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! I can use all the support I can get :)