Surgery Today

It's just about 4:30 a.m.

I completed my admission papers last night but could not bring myself to stay the night in the hospital. I needed to be home.

I've been up since about 2 a.m. I wasn't panicking, but I was definitely feeling restless. I've tried to mediate and center myself, and I feel a bit calmer ... but I want it all to be over and done with already.

I don't know when I'll be back to blogging, but I'll definitely be online as soon as I can :)

Last Workout

I had my last workout today. I was tempted to make it a 'last chance workout' but the last thing I wanted to do was overstrain myself and add to the soreness that I'm bound to feel post-surgery.

Half an hour on the cross-trainer

About a half hour of free weights - just to loosen up my muscles, nothing major

Then, RPM class - which is the class that I'm going to miss the most!

It's frustrating because I feel like I was just getting back into the swing of things and really getting into my workouts, and now this is happening.

Well, I guess this is life. Very few people have the luxury of having the time to workout whenever and how much they want on a daily basis as well as the ability (plus time & money) to fully focus on nutrition ALL the time ... most of us have things that need to get done everyday. On top of that, life happens -- we get sick, we get busy, people around us need us, plans get interrupted, things just happen ... there's no escaping it. The time to focus on getting healthy is now, at every moment ... not when the time is right.

So, I'm not going to dwell on missing the gym for the next few weeks. That type of thinking won't get me back into the RPM studio any sooner!! I'm going to focus on my recovery - on doing what's best for me - physically and mentally - to come back as soon as I'm ready and continue moving forward on this journey.

I'm definitely curious to see how the weight loss will go over the next six weeks. I mean my movements will be fairly restricted, and definitely no lifting ... I know that I can (and will) watch what I eat, but I also know that you need to eat well in order to replenish your body and give it the strength to recover ... so I'm just wondering how it will all balance out ... I guess we'll find out ...

Forward Focus Playlist

My go-to playlist on those days when all I want to do is zone out on a cardio machine ...

Ruhe (Schiller)

Reason (Ian Van Dahl)

Never Cry Again (Dash Berlin)

Shivers [Rising Star Remix] (Armin van Buuren

Only One Too [Lenny B. Club Mix] (Jewel)

Waiting [feat. Emma Hewitt] (Dash Berlin)

Sunspot [feat. Airwave] (Armin van Buren)

What Hurts the Most (Cascada)

Everything [feat. Jes] (Tiesto)

Overdrive (Clokx)

Tune (ATB)

A Forest [The Remixes] (Blank & Jones)

Just over an hour of soothing trance/house music.

Getting Ready

My surgery has been moved up yet another day.

It's scary, but at this point, I just want it to be over and want the healing process to begin.

There is, however, lots to be done. Yesterday was a very, very busy day. It started with a trip to the hospital to do some final blood work, and then, upon finding out that I had one less day to prepare for the surgery, it was all about getting errands done ... and there are A LOT of things to get done.

The good thing about having had a similar surgery before is that I kind of know what to expect and what I'll need after the surgery. Like getting in and out of bed and chairs is really tough - but now I can make sure I have something firm to hold on to so that I can lift myself up (plus I've got stronger biceps and triceps, yay!). There are some things that are too high or too low - and I need to move them so that they are easily accessible. Even other things that I wouldn't have though of before - like getting into my car after the surgery. There's no way I can step up into my tank of a car, and D's car is too low ... so that needs to be figured out. There's also a very high step that leads to the house's entryway ... I'll need a brick or cinderblock to step on in order to make that step ... see, lots of little things, but at least I can be prepared for them.

After a frantic day running around, I still managed to squeeze in an hour at the gym and it was bliss. I just put on my headphones, selected my 'Forward Focus' playlist, and walked. It was heaven. It was just me and the music and steady movement for an hour - no distractions, no other thoughts. I felt SO MUCH better after the workout. Nothing high intensity - I wasn't there to track calories or distance. I just wanted to sweat it out, and it totally helped.

Today is also focused on finishing up my errands ... I'm hoping that I can get another workout it. I also want to come up with a food plan so that I make sure my eating is on track when I'm back home. It's going to have to be really low-maintenance food, but that doesn't mean it's going to be unhealthy. Trying to stay calm, focused, and optimistic.

Optimism inspires, energizes, and brings out our best.

It points the mind toward possibilities and

helps us think creatively past problems.

PRICE PRITCHETT, Hard Optimism

The Details

I've been going back and forth quite a bit about how much detail I should reveal about my upcoming surgery. I think deciding how much personal info to post on the web in itself is quite tricky ... Some people hold nothing back while others are guarded. I know that as a reader of several blogs, I always appreciate the honesty and raw emotions that are sometimes revealed in blog posts ... I also know that as I've been searching for info about my upcoming surgery on the web, the personal experiences of those who have gone through the same/similar thing have helped immensely. With that in mind, as well as the fact that this blog is about my overall health - and the surgery will definitely have an impact on it - I've decided to share. I won't go into too much detail, but just the basics so you have an idea of what I'm going through.

By the way, this may be too much info for some ... so if details about health/surgery are not your thing ... I don't recommend the rest of this post ...

In December 2008, I had a myomectomy. The pain and discomfort from the fibroids in my uterus had gotten to a point where I could hardly sit. The surgery took 2 hours longer than they had expected because they found so many fibroids inside me, and they were large. The recovery from the surgery was painful and totally demoralizing. I could hardly move without assistance. Sitting was painful, coughing felt like I was being stabbed several times, no position was comfortable - I was just in pain.

However, after three difficult weeks things started to get back to normal. I still had to avoid strenuous exercise for an additional four weeks, but in general I was doing ok. Unfortunately the lack of movement (and the added pounds that I had put on over Thanksgiving and Christmas just prior to the surgery) saw a 12 kg (25 pound) gain in weight ... taking me to the heaviest I had ever been. It was terrible. I felt horrible.

However, I no longer had any of the physical pain, and I felt that the surgery was a big success. What a relief. The doctors said that the fibroids would start regrowing (as there is no cure except for a hysterectomy) but that I would probably be ok for another 8 years.

By June 2009 I had had enough with the way I looked and I decided to focus as much energy as possible on working out and losing weight. Within a year (well, 14 months/Aug 2010 to be exact) I had lost 22 kg (45 pounds) and I felt really good. I had done it through A LOT of exercise and watching the portions of what I was eating (though still not always eating the healthiest of foods).

Then it started becoming more and more difficult to lose weight. In fact, I started gaining weight. I was still exercising regularly (though I had cut down to a 'normal' amount, 1-2 hours 5 times a week vs. 3-6 hours the previous year) and eating well, but I was stuck at a plateau. As I did more weights and upped the intensity of my workouts (I just did not have time to do 3-6 hr workouts anymore so I had to be more efficient) I noticed changes in my body - my legs and arms were definitely becoming more toned and thinner -- but what about my abdominal region? Who the hell cares if my fingers have become thinner?! It was very frustrating ...

My hospital visits in London this past summer let me know why. As I had mentioned, my fitness health was excellent, but upon examining me physically, when the doctor got to my abdominal region, his exact reaction was "Oh my goodness. Are you sure you're not pregnant? Your uterus is enormous!" Ya, not something you want to hear when you're NOT pregnant. I went to a specialist who confirmed I needed surgery. She also said that because of the fibroids, my uterus was the size of a 5-6 month pregnant woman ... and no matter how much I exercised, that swelling wouldn't go down because it was directly related to the fibroids.

Frustrating to say the least. Sure I could (should?) have felt relieved that becoming thinner wasn't because I wasn't putting in the effort, but anyone who is trying to lose weight will know that it's still frustrating to hear. Anyway.

I was upset because they had told me that I probably wouldn't need surgery for another 8 years, yet here I am, less than three years later and I need surgery. It's not even that they've started growing (I knew that a year ago, but they were still small). It's the fact that they've been growing so quickly and so big.

I'm at a 3 in terms of pain at any given moment in time, and at a 7-8 in terms of pain at least 2-3 times a day. During my monthly cycle I'm at about a 15-20 - no exaggeration. That's no way to live.

Sunday's doctor's appointment confirmed that surgery was indeed needed and sooner rather than later ... no surprise. The big question: Another myomectomy or a hysterectomy?

Doctors still think I'm young (35) for a hysterectomy. However, a hysterectomy is the only cure. If I undergo a myomectomy, I'll need the surgery again - who knows how quickly the fibroids will regrow, but they will regrow for sure.

So go through major surgery and have the pain, discomfort, and swelling come back again only to do the surgery again? Or have a final major surgery and just deal with the recovery and move on.

Surgery is scary in any case ... but I think having a hysterectomy takes things to another level. You can't go back after you've done this. I do not have kids, and am fine with not having any children. Adoption is always a possibility in the future if that's where the road goes ... but for now, it's stressful because it IS a big deal ...

I have decided to have a hysterectomy.

I know that there are some people who will think this is a very drastic step. However, they do not know the pain that I am in on a daily basis; they can't imagine what I go through. This is my decision, and I know it's a big one. I may have just started blogging about it recently but it's something that has been on my mind since the last surgery when it was given as an option, and it has become more of a realistic solution over the past six months. I don't need anybody to ask me if I'm sure.

I AM absolutely sure in my decision, but that doesn't mean I'm not scared.

Planks, Push-ups, and Positivity

The next few days will be all about surrounding myself with positive thoughts, positive people, and anything else that brings positive energy ... as well as brushing up a bit of my upper body strength.

My medical leave was approved by the department, and two of my colleagues have agreed to cover the classes that I'll miss. Luckily I'm actually not missing too many classes because of the upcoming Eid holiday.

I spent a few hours with KD another one of the trainers at the gym (Body Combat & Body Pump instructor) and her support and advice was really good. I feel so lucky to have many of the trainers at the gym supporting me. It makes a big difference. I mean, I've got my friends and family, but the trainers are both my friends and family too ... it's such a big difference from 3 years ago.

Losing the strength and fitness that I've developed over the past two years has obviously been a big concern of mine. Perhaps for some people it may not seem like the thing I should be worried about when I'm about to go through surgery ... but it is a big deal. To be honest, the idea of not being able to exercise for almost two months is really freaking me out.

In trying to stay positive, however, I'm reminding myself that I'm in a MUCH better place with this surgery than the last one. During the last surgery I worked out a little but ate like crap ... this time, for the past 2 years I've changed my habits and my approach to food. This time instead of having chocolates and biscuits in the house, there will be lots of fruits and other things that will be healthy and satisfying ... I'm sure (well I hope) that these measures will help me get back on my feet quickly (and not gain weight)!!

My core is going to take a major hit during this surgery, so I'm trying to do a few planks and push-ups throughout the day to strengthen both my arms and my abs. I know I'll need the strength. They're two of my toughest exercises, but I think they're the most important ones for me at the moment. I don't want to overdo it, but I do want to prepare a bit. Tomorrow I hope to focus on cardio.

Putting things in Perspective

Another doctor's appointment today and she's moved the surgery up by five days.

Of course I'm anxious about the surgery itself, but I'm more stressed about the recovery period and the fact that it'll keep me out of the gym for 3-4 weeks with no strenuous workouts for 6-8 weeks. I remember how painful the recovery was after my first surgery - could barely sit up or stand up without help ... it was very depressing and demoralizing.

However, I'm trying to keep a few things in mind:

1. If I could survive it once, I can survive it again.

2. I am a lot stronger now, so I should be able to cope better.

3. This discomfort will be temporary -- once this recovery period is over, I'll be better.

I thought I'd have about ten days before the surgery so I was planning on spending quite a bit of time in the gym - kind of trying to build some strength before going through the whole process, but I guess I won't have that much time.

I went to see my trainer DV at the gym today - not to workout, just to talk and kind of have a therapy session if you will.

It was great. Really, really helpful. He's known about my condition so he knew right away what I was talking about. He let me talk and then shared his thoughts ... he went into a lot of stuff, but the note we ended on was what meant the most to me.

When I told him about my concern about being out of the gym he said - So what? Once you're better you'll be right back. You're in pain now. This condition is getting in the way of you making progress. So have the surgery. Recover. And don't worry - I'll train your ass off when you're strong enough.

First time I really smiled in the past four days!

He said instead of trying to wear myself out over the next few days and overtrain that I should focus on workout out to relieve stress - cardio plus yoga/meditation. He reminded me of all I've accomplished and all that I will accomplish once this is over.

I can't tell you how much better I felt. I know it may seem like a silly concern, but it's an important one for me. There are actually so many little things that are on my mind right now -- about family, work, friends, weight loss challenges etc. I'm just trying to tackle them one by one.

I think the next few days are going to involve taking care of my mental framework to help my physical healing.

I'm also going to have to figure out how to handle my Fired up for fall and Triple Dog Dare challenges ... some modifications may be necessary ... we'll see. Advice/Suggestions are appreciated.

In the meantime - despite the stress, my diet has been excellent. Food is totally on plan, water intake is a bit tough because of the pressure on my abdomen but I'm still hitting my goal. I haven't put in as many hours at the gym this week ... yet. I still have a few days to see what I can accomplish. Lots to do. Not much time. It will all get done. Just trying to keep things in perspective.