Body & Mind (cont.)

I woke up at 1:30 a.m. in excruciating pain. The cramps are getting worse each month. The painkillers I had taken at 8 p.m. hardly had an impact. For the first time, I had to get out of bed and get 2 more of a stronger dose. What is happening to me?

Of course there is still a constant battle in my mind - one part of me saying, it's ok. Hold on. This will only last for 3-4 days. The other part of me thinking, why the fuck should I have to deal with this? But then, when I think about having to go for more doctor's appointments, more surgery, and all that - I just can't take it. That's my overall feeling - I just can't take it.

I have so many other things to deal with as well.

I've really been struggling to find my foothold. Part of me doesn't want to deal with it anymore. Wouldn't it just be easier to just lie down and forget about it all? The other part of me, however, still wants to fight through this. Some tough decisions need to be made. Some big moves need to be played.

It's definitely hard to act 'normal' during times like these. In a way, I'm relieved that my leg hurts because not going to the gym means not running into people that I need to talk to. I can't stand most of my colleagues at work and the two that I do like know me, so even though I give a try to smile and say I'm fine, they know better, but it's all I can manage for now. I know holding it all in isn't good for me, but it's how I (try to) get through things.

I've decided to take until Sunday before I get back to the gym. My leg is finally starting to feel better. I don't want to rush getting back and risk a more serious injury. Besides, I've got so much else on my mind right now, I'm just not focused enough to lift any weights or do any classes. I know this will pass, so I'm just trying to be patient through it all.