The Last Rant

This internal monologue used to be constant - it was almost easier when it was constant because it was kind of all that I was focusing on. Now, it's more intermittent. Everything will be fine and then all of a sudden I'll feel like somebody punched me in the stomach, yet I'll have to keep my composure because you can't just fall apart whenever you want to ... I'm struggling, but I'm also tired of the ups and downs. It's absolutely exhausting ... so this is my final rant. I'm putting it all out there and then I'm just going to move on. These thoughts have been haunting me and though the don't hit me as frequently, they still hit me as hard.

I can't believe this is happening to me.

I can't believe that the surgery wasn't a success.

I can't believe that they couldn't even take out the 6-cm fibroid that caused the alarm in the first place. They just closed me up? Just like that? What - and shrug their shoulders saying, 'Sorry, there's nothing we can do.' That's it?

Did I make a mistake? Did I rush into this surgery? Did I choose the wrong surgeon? I knew that having a hysterectomy was in my future after my surgery three years ago, so I don't think I made a mistake in my decision. Did the surgeons do all that they could, or were they just not prepared to go further? I don't think they did all they could.

So now I'm stuck here.

Stuck with a uterus that's the size of a 6-month pregnant woman's uterus.

Stuck with the haunting words of that doctor who said, 'You can't lose weight around your abdomen no matter what you do.'

I'm stuck with these fibroids that are not only still in my uterus, but will probably keep growing and keep multiplying.

I'm stuck with the fact that at this point, even if I did want children, I wouldn't be able to.

Worst of all, I'm stuck with the pain and discomfort.

Stuck. That's how I feel. I've heard all the encouraging words - They wouldn't have found out about the adhesions if you hadn't had the surgery (or so we're assuming). There may be another doctor somewhere in the world who can help you. Things will get better, just wait. Time heals all wounds. Blah blah blah - All I have to say is 'Shut the fuck up.' I don't care about those words. I don't care. I know that there are thousands of people who have it worse than me. I know that things happen for a reason. I know that there are some things in our lives that we just have no control over. I also know that medical miracles do happen. However, at this point in time, I don't care ... as you're sitting there, smiling, giving encouragement, urging me forward, all I can do is smile and nod and say I know ... but all I really want to do is punch you in the stomach and see if you can stand that pain on a daily basis.

This is my pain. My reality. My problem.

I have been positive. I think I have been a pillar of 'Keep your head up and keep moving forward.' I will continue to move forward and be as strong as I can because really, that's all that I can do. However, in the midst of all this, I have not taken the time to grieve over what happened, and I think that has really been affecting me. So today I'm taking the time to grieve - even if it's by myself and via this blog. I'm just letting it all out there for the first and last time.

I felt like before it was already a struggle to keep moving forward and staying motivated - having to have a pep talk on a daily basis to keep yourself going is exhausting ... and I had to do that before I had the surgery ... so now it's even tougher. Still, I'll keep going forward - of course I'll keep going forward ... I'm just hoping that letting these words out into the open will help take some of the weight off my shoulders (if not my abdomen - hahaha, see, I still have a sense of humor!).

End of rant.

Roller coaster

My insomnia is back.

Yesterday I woke up at 3:00 a.m. I stayed in bed until about 3:45, which is when the anxiety got so bad that I had to get out of bed.

I hate it when it gets to that point. There's nothing in particular triggering it, but at the same there's a lot on my mind ... and in my heart. You can keep pushing forward ... but powering through only gets you so far for so long.

I don't even remember what I did for the rest of the morning, but at 10 a.m. KD came to take me out to do some shopping. It was a great morning/afternoon -- we took it slow, but it all added up. By time I got home around 3 p.m. I was knackered and nauseous. I just lay on the couch and could not move until around 8. I wasn't in pain, but I was sore ... really sore.

I took a few pain killers, but they didn't really help.

Unfortunately, tonight was another sleepless night ... what the hell is going on? It's so frustrating ... however, since today is my last official sick leave day, I am determined to do absolutely nothing at all except veg in front of the TV.

This roller coaster of emotions and physical pain/relief is getting old. I sure do hope that things turn around soon.

Fired Up for Fall - Week 9

I know I'm a day behind posting my FUFF update ... the days all seem to merge together lately.

After 2 painkillers and 9 hours of sleep, I woke up this morning feeling much better. However, I've made sure not to make the same mistake as yesterday and I've been taking it easy for the most part. It seems like life is always about trying to find a balance ...

Part I: Positive Picture

I actually had quite a tough time finding a positive picture for this week. It's not that I'm not feeling positive, but I guess I'm just not feeling inspired. Perhaps it's understandable given the events of the past few weeks ... of course I'm trying to stay positive overall, but some days are just more difficult than others. In any case, I looked through tons of websites and images ... and this is the one that struck me the most ...

Part II: WEEK 9 QUESTIONS

What have you done this week to work towards your goals?

It's definitely been a tough week in terms of working towards my goals. Limited movement = limited achievement. At least I did manage to go out twice and go for a slow walk. Plus I got back to my PhD work this week ... it's slow and steady at the moment. I'll definitely pick up the pace as soon as I can.

What have you done this week to make yourself feel fabulous?

I can finally get out of bed without struggling too much or feeling much pain -- such a simple thing, but I guess something that I definitely take for granted. As I've gone from such difficulty moving to slowly regaining my strength, I am so grateful for all that I can do -- regaining strength and being able to move much more easily has definitely been fabulous.

What is the most positive thing you've taken away from this challenge?

I've found that the most positive aspects have emerged through the most difficult times ... when I look back at my posts over the past 9 weeks I find it amazing how things can change in such a short span of time ... for me it's mainly been health difficulties (bronchitis and surgery) ... however, despite these obstacles, life goes on. Things do get better - obstacles don't mean permanent roadblocks or failure ... they're just obstacles. Some can be overcome in a day while others take a lot longer to deal with. In any case, there is not much that can't be done without patience and persistence.

It's your last week, the run to the finish, what is your priority?

Well, I most probably won't be heading back to the gym, so I feel like most of my goals will not be reached in terms of losing weight and sticking to a workout program.

The main thing that I can focus on is getting back on track with my studies ... I have until the end of the year (though they've said I can take a bit longer if needed because of the time lost for the surgery - but I really hope I can finish by the end of this year). Getting as much done on my PhD is a top priority for sure!

Fun stuff - Desert Island: You can take 1 person, 1 famous person, and 3 items besides food and water. Who and what do you take?

My items are easy - a knife, a blanket, and soap :)

As for my people -- I'd take my BFF for a combination of great company and entertainment and for my famous person ... at the moment, with all the Grey's Anatomy I've been watching, it's Eric Dane -- who wouldn't want McSteamy on an island with them?! He'd be there for a totally different type of entertainment ;) Yum!

Too much too soon

I woke up this morning feeling good. Well, as good as I could feel at 5:00 in the morning ... I was sleepy, but I didn't feel much pain at all.

I got up and decided to start my day because I knew there was no way I'd be getting back to sleep. I thought I'd tackle the HUGE stacks of paper in my office - all related to my PhD research. I needed to streamline my material and get rid of papers that were up to 4 years old and no longer necessary.

After a few hours of sitting at my desk I decided to move to the living room and continue my work there -- a few trips back and forth from the living room to my home office (to get more papers, a stapler, more post-its etc.) ... I seemed to be extra-clumsy and kept dropping things, which meant that I had to keep bending to pick them up ... I realized I was definitely feeling less pain as my movements were not as slow as the previous day ...

I cleaned a little, cooked a little, organized a little ... and by 3:00 p.m. I was EXHAUSTED. Exhausted to the point of dizziness and nausea. I wasn't in pain, but I was definitely in extreme discomfort.

It got worse over the hours ...

A group of friends were scheduled to come and visit me later in the evening. In hindsight, I probably should have cancelled, but I hadn't seen them in almost a month so I stuck to the plan. By the time they left, just before 11 p.m., I was in so much pain and discomfort I could barely breathe.

I would have never thought that just moving back and forth between two rooms and picking up a few things would have this effect ... but it did.

I guess the doctor was right - I still need to take it easy.

Trip to the Avenues

I really needed to get out of the house, so D took me to the mall (I'm still not allowed to drive). The one thing I was dreading (and something I remembered from my previous surgery) was the road leading up to the mall which is not made with proper pavement, but rather paved with bricks ... which makes it very, very bumpy. It was unbelievably painful - and just those two minutes on bumpy road had me feeling dizzy and winded before even stepping into the mall.

I'm glad we went to the mall early because it was so quiet - it gave me plenty of time to leisurely stroll from one end of the mall to the other and back ... though I have to say, I was exhausted. I walked for just over an hour -- sounds like a lot, but I was walking very, very slowly - and also browsing in a few shops along the way.

The Avenues is not an easy mall to walk in. First of all it was cold - very cold; they seem to still have the AC on high even though it is definitely becoming cooler outside. Second of all, the floors are not easy to walk on, especially when you want to take your time and need a lot of energy just to stand straight and walk slow.

By the time we got back to the starting point I was exhausted. Still, it did me some good to get out of the house and actually walk. Although I do feel quite a bit better today in terms of pain, I am once again reminded of how much time the body does take to heal ... I was hoping to maybe make it to the gym in the next few days ... but if the exhaustion I'm feeling now after that little stroll is anything to go by, I think that's a bit of an optimistic estimate!

Some Down Time

I didn't post yesterday.

In fact, I didn't do anything yesterday.

I took two really strong pain killers on Tuesday night and they really knocked me out -- felt the effects throughout the day on Wednesday ... so the lethargy from the pills plus trying to fight the depression related to being stuck at home and thinking about the surgery just had me parked on the sofa watching episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy.

That's all I really seem to be doing lately - just watching TV. There's not much else I can (am allowed to) do at the moment ... it's incredibly frustrating. Although physically I am getting stronger, it's been incredibly difficult emotionally - I feel absolutely overwhelmed at times. I know that I should keep positive and move forward ... yes, I know that ... but that doesn't mean it's easy. So yesterday I guess I just gave myself a break to mope around a bit. I've been out of touch with most of my friends - just don't want to talk about anything or answer any questions ...

Today, however, I kinda tried to get back into a normal routine. I woke up early and sat at my desk instead of in front of the TV. I managed to do a bit of work, but mainly surfed the web and caught up on a few emails.

I still have to take it easy. I'm amazed at how easily I get tired. I mean, that little outing to the doctor's office on Tuesday (followed by some friends coming over later that day) absolutely exhausted me. I even find doing little chores around the house totally wipe me out ... I guess this is why the doctor said I'll need another 10 days before I'm back on my feet.

I can't wait to be able to drive again and get out of the house - even if it's to sit outdoors for a few hours. I feel like I'm missing some really good weather ... maybe this weekend.

Health Update

I left the house today after five whole days of being indoors - talk about cabin fever! It was such a relief to get out of the house, even if it was just to go to the doctor's office.

My stitches came out today. I had no idea what to expect in terms of how it feels to get stitches removed - it wasn't painful. Kinda just like a scratch. She said the wound is healing nicely, but I've got to wait another week to ten days before I can move about more and things like going up and down the stairs will become easier. In about five days I should be able to get back into somewhat of a regular routine -- to do household chores she said, like ironing, cooking, and cleaning ... geez, why do those things have to be the first things I'm allowed to do? Who wants to recover from surgery just to iron clothes and dust countertops? ;)

I've got some muscle bruising which she said is to be expected. It's such a pain (literally) because it makes simple movements like getting in and out of bed/a chair etc. difficult. Still, I do feel stronger each day thank goodness. It's just about being patient.

In terms of food I need to stick to a high fiber diet and she stressed (a number of times - does she not believe I'll listen to her advice?) that this was not the time to count calories or restrict calorie intake because I need the nutrients to heal and regain strength. She told me that the abdominal distention should subside within ten to fourteen days. I can't wait for that to happen. I feel like a freaking whale!

It's deceiving how much time and energy it takes to actually heal ... I thought the short trip to and from the doctor's would be fine. Although it was definitely easier to climb up and down the stairs as compared to last Wednesday when I got home from the hospital, the whole trip did leave me a bit winded and tired (the potholes and bumps in the road did not help at all!) ... so I am getting stronger each day, but I still have a ways to go.