Friday, December 30, 2011
As the days go by - Part II
I'm starting off today's blog post from where I left off in yesterday's post ...
I'll be the first one to admit that I am a bit of a control freak. I want things done MY way. I want to have control of everything that's going around me ... the more I feel like I'm out of control, the more I obsessively focus my energy and attention on minute details. For example, when I'm feeling really stressed and that things are spinning out of control, I'll focus on something that I can control - to the point of obsession, whether that means scrubbing the floor, organizing/reorganizing my closet, counting calories/restricting my food intake. While it may feel like I've got control over that task at hand, what it really does is distract me. In some cases it even compounds the problem. The bottom line is that my control/obsession issues were really holding me back ... I needed to learn how to let go.
Letting go of fear and dealing with control issues were things I tried to tackle in 2011 ... I think I did a good job - my confidence in swimming has increased, my fear of dogs is much, much more controlled - I no longer have a full-on panic attack but can just calmly stand (next step is to pet one!), if someone doesn't get back to me soon confirming/canceling plans we made then I no longer wait and obsess - I move on and do what I need to do ... I think all these things were positive steps, but I have also realized that it is a work in progress -- and indeed, three is a lot of work still left to be done!
Fear is what kept me from reaching my goals in the past - fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of pain ... but this year I thought "Fuck the fear. I can do this. There is no reason I cannot succeed."
So I went forward and gave it my all. I tried to keep pushing through no matter what.
Ironically what got in the way were things that were completely out of my control - health issues, family issues, etc. These are things I had not foreseen or planned for. I had not choice but to let go and roll with the punches. It was tough - really tough. I used to not be able to workout if I forgot my iPod and other silly things like that. This year I said enough was enough - it was time to grow up and realize that not everything could be controlled, and more that that, not everything has to be controlled! That doesn't mean that I will be able to completely let things go (I haven't come that far!) but I will definitely try.
I like that I am now able to tell myself - You CAN do this. You are strong. Try and you will achieve.
I definitely believe in myself and have more confidence in myself than I did a even at the beginning of this year - at least when it comes to my fitness. However, food/exercise is just one aspect of my life -- I still have a lot of insecurities and self-doubt. I have often thought, 'When I reach my goal weight, I will be happier.' However, I know that the happiness I am seeking is not hidden in my layers of fat. No, they're in my mind and in my soul ... hours on the cross-trainer will not take care of those mental demons. So there is still a lot to be done.
I take comfort in the fact that I have not given up. I am still driven and eager to make my life the best it can be. I have learned that I am strong and that no matter how far I've fallen down, there is a way to come back up again ... if that is what I desire.
With hard work, dedication, and patience ... anything is possible.