Farewell 2011!

Yesterday was a day of rest for me - and boy did I need it! Not only were my thighs burning from Thursday's squats and lunges, but I was in quite a bit of pain ... I wonder if it had to do with the Swiss ball crunches + reverse crunches that I did or maybe it was the fact that I worked out two days in a row (a first since my surgery) ... It didn't feel like surgical pain; it actually felt like the 'normal' uncomfortable pain that prompted my surgery in the first place. In any case, for most of the day I didn't feel well at all (had to resort to painkillers unfortunately), but things seemed to get better by the evening. Perhaps it really was just a need for rest.

Despite the pain, I started today off with an early morning workout - a bit of cardio (went up to 6 km/hr for 10 minutes today, yay!!) and then Workout A for NROL4W. I really hope that I can finish the program before my trip to Argentina.

I guess the end of the year is a normal time to reflect on what went right/wrong -- and how to proceed in the upcoming year.

I do feel like this year had more downs than ups. I feel like I never really caught my footing. My PhD work (which is still not done) took over most of my time ... that resulted in fewer workouts than I would have liked, less time with my friends and family, and just overall stress ... put that together with my illnesses over the year and you can see that it's been a frustrating year.

I'd have to say, however, that one of the best things about this year is this blog. For me, it has been a great way to express myself and just keep a general log of how I'm feeling/doing day to day. The bonus has been an incredibly supporting network of bloggers out there - some of who I definitely consider friends even though we've never met.

The most important thing I learnt this year -- I am a lot stronger than I realized -- and that's what I'm going to keep in mind as I start this new year ...

For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

~T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"~

Wishing you all health and happiness in the new year.

As the days go by - Part II

I'm starting off today's blog post from where I left off in yesterday's post ...

Control.

I'll be the first one to admit that I am a bit of a control freak. I want things done MY way. I want to have control of everything that's going around me ... the more I feel like I'm out of control, the more I obsessively focus my energy and attention on minute details. For example, when I'm feeling really stressed and that things are spinning out of control, I'll focus on something that I can control - to the point of obsession, whether that means scrubbing the floor, organizing/reorganizing my closet, counting calories/restricting my food intake. While it may feel like I've got control over that task at hand, what it really does is distract me. In some cases it even compounds the problem. The bottom line is that my control/obsession issues were really holding me back ... I needed to learn how to let go.

Letting go of fear and dealing with control issues were things I tried to tackle in 2011 ... I think I did a good job - my confidence in swimming has increased, my fear of dogs is much, much more controlled - I no longer have a full-on panic attack but can just calmly stand (next step is to pet one!), if someone doesn't get back to me soon confirming/canceling plans we made then I no longer wait and obsess - I move on and do what I need to do ... I think all these things were positive steps, but I have also realized that it is a work in progress -- and indeed, three is a lot of work still left to be done!

Fear is what kept me from reaching my goals in the past - fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of confrontation, fear of pain ... but this year I thought "Fuck the fear. I can do this. There is no reason I cannot succeed."

So I went forward and gave it my all. I tried to keep pushing through no matter what.

Ironically what got in the way were things that were completely out of my control - health issues, family issues, etc. These are things I had not foreseen or planned for. I had not choice but to let go and roll with the punches. It was tough - really tough. I used to not be able to workout if I forgot my iPod and other silly things like that. This year I said enough was enough - it was time to grow up and realize that not everything could be controlled, and more that that, not everything has to be controlled! That doesn't mean that I will be able to completely let things go (I haven't come that far!) but I will definitely try.

I like that I am now able to tell myself - You CAN do this. You are strong. Try and you will achieve.

I definitely believe in myself and have more confidence in myself than I did a even at the beginning of this year - at least when it comes to my fitness. However, food/exercise is just one aspect of my life -- I still have a lot of insecurities and self-doubt. I have often thought, 'When I reach my goal weight, I will be happier.' However, I know that the happiness I am seeking is not hidden in my layers of fat. No, they're in my mind and in my soul ... hours on the cross-trainer will not take care of those mental demons. So there is still a lot to be done.

I take comfort in the fact that I have not given up. I am still driven and eager to make my life the best it can be. I have learned that I am strong and that no matter how far I've fallen down, there is a way to come back up again ... if that is what I desire.

With hard work, dedication, and patience ... anything is possible.

As the days go by - Part I

As we get closer to December 31st there are more and more blog posts coming up about resolutions for the new year and lots of reflections about all that has happened in 2011.

As someone who has struggled with my weight for pretty much my whole life, I think the goal to lose weight and adopt a healthier lifestyle is no longer just a new years resolution - it's an everyday, all the time resolution.

There are really only two basic principles you need to follow to lose weight:

1. Eat healthy foods in proper quantities

2. Exercise

That's it.

Of course you can go into more detail and become obsessed with numbers (I've definitely been there) - calories consumed, calories burned, body mass index, fat to muscle ratio, basal metabolic rate etc. etc. - but I think it all comes down to being more vigilant. With everything you put in your mouth - ask yourself - will this get me to my goal weight? If not, put it down. If it will, go for it.

Sounds simple, right?

Well, if it was that simple, I would have been at my goal weight years ago. The truth is, I'm not. In fact I'm still so far from my goal weight it feels like I barely got started.

I know that on December 31st, 2011 I will be a few pounds lighter than I was on January 1st, 2011. I should be happy that at least I didn't gain ... but that's just not good enough - why didn't I lose more? How is it that I've worked out so much (granted not as much as last year) yet have not managed to lose more? I know that the lack of exercise during my recovery period has had an impact on my weight loss -- but still, it's not all that.

It's my food. It's got to be my food. I am quite careful about what I eat -- but I could be more vigilant about my nutrition. I will be more vigilant about what I eat.

It's all in my control. I just have to find the courage to stick to the plan and keep moving forward.

------------------

PS - Had a great workout today -- I shaved a minute off my 1 km warm-up and finished the second round of Workout B for NROL4W. I managed to up a few weights and even tried the reverse crunches (which I skipped last time). I'm still not back to my pre-surgery strength, but I'm definitely getting there!

I also wore jeans for the first time since my surgery! I was very excited about that. They fit just fine, not tight at all and, more importantly, not uncomfortable/painful - which is what I was most worried about due to the healing incision etc. Now I can continue working towards fitting into a smaller size!! :)

Getting Faster

The last few days have been crazy busy. With all the holiday events it has been quite difficult to maintain a regular exercise routine ... plus I've had a ton of end-of-term marking and final exam prep to do ... on top of my PhD work, of course.

Still, as things are winding down and we're approaching the end of the semester, I am super-excited but also nervous about being able to get everything done on time.

In any case, after class today I headed to the gym to get in another cardio session. I really do need to make the effort to go in more regularly.

Here's my progress:

Date	Time	Distance	Av. speed	Calories	Maximum
Dec. 11	35 min	2.52 km	4.3 km/hr	153	4 min @ 4.8 km/hr
Dec. 15	45 min	3.47 km	4.7 km/hr	164	15 min @ 5 km/hr
Dec. 17	45 min	3.64 km	4.9 km/hr	170	25 min @ 5 & 6 min @ 5.3
Dec. 20	45 min	3.84 km	5.1 km/hr	176	5 min (2.5 min x 2) @ 5.5
Dec. 28	1 hour	5.43 km	5.4 km/hr	308	20 min (5 min x 4) @ 5.7 km/hr

As I headed to the gym I decided to walk for an hour - no matter what the pace. I am really, really happy that I was able to complete the hour without much difficulty. I walked at 5.5 km/hr for 30 minutes (not continuous, in 5-minute intervals) and was able to walk at 5.7 km/hr as well for a total of 20 minutes. That's definitely better than I had expected. I do feel like my cardio is improving. I can't wait until I can work in some sprints -- but I think it'll still be a few weeks before I can do that ... in the meantime, I'll keep pushing as hard as I can.

Merry Christmas

"What is Christmas? It is tenderness for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace."

Agnes M. Pharo

Crazy Hungry

I didn't wake up because of my alarm this morning ... I woke up this morning because my stomach was growling!! I was so hungry!

I felt hungry all day today ... not just a little hungry, no, crazy hungry. The kind of hungry where no matter what or how much you eat it is just not enough! There were points throughout the day where I thought I was going to lose my mind from how hungry I was -- it's tough to sit at your desk when your stomach is growling!

If I didn't care, I would have just taken my reading to the kitchen and sat down and eaten till I was satisfied ... but I didn't.

Some friends were coming over for brunch so I knew I didn't want to eat breakfast (which would have just been a bowl of oatmeal) but I had to have something, so I just had a banana and half a cup of coffee. In the meantime, I got started preparing for brunch -- I made gluten free banana nut muffins (with Splenda). It was the first time I had tried making gluten free muffins and I was nervous as to how they would turn out -- they were delicious!! I had an assortment of cheeses and fruits as well as smoked salmon, a few different spreads, and an assortment of breads/crackers (gluten free and regular -- one of my friends is gluten intolerant) ... I kept all the spreads and cheeses away from me and instead kept the fruit and salmon closer to me so I could eat without risking overindulging on the more fattening stuff -- I think I did well.

I ate slowly - really took my time and focused more on talking and laughing than eating.

I would have thought that the insane hunger would have disappeared after having such a yummy brunch ... but no, within three hours I was ravenous again. Seriously. RAVENOUS - not just a little peckish.

I grabbed a few grapes, had a few tablespoons of cottage cheese, and paced around the kitchen. I was so tempted to open up the box of croissants and eat (all of) them ... but I didn't. I sulked over to the kettle and made myself a cup of tea instead and locked myself in my office. Oh, I did steal a Hershey's kiss. I needed a little something to help me out!

I somehow managed to get a few hours of work done. It's around 7:30 p.m. now and I can't wait for dinner. Just some veggies with either some whole wheat bread or a bit of rice ... probably rice as I need something that'll feel more satisfying and filling.

I don't think my description of my hunger in today's blog did it any justice ... all I can say is that I hope the feeling does not last! I won't be able to handle another day like this!

Moving Forward with NROL4W

I'm really pleased with my today's weights workout. Perhaps taking an entire day off to rest between workouts - even my mild cardio days - is paying off!

Comparison chart:

	Dec. 13, 2011	Dec. 22, 2011
Front squat; push press	10 kg	20 kg
Step up	3 kg/hand	7 kg/hand
Dumbbell 1-point row	3 kg/hand	7 kg/hand
Lunge elevate rear foot	10 kg	20 kg
Push ups	bw	bw
Plank (60 sec)	bw	bw
Cable horiz wood chop	5 kg	7 kg

I all my weights ... I know that doubling the weight for the squats and lunges was a risk, but I felt absolutely fine. The toughest part was just getting the bar on my back for the lunges.

I'm still making a few modifications - like for the step up, but ... this time I was able to do proper push-ups --- not as deep as before, but still, they were proper push-ups! I also did regular planks, though in 30-second stretches. I'm still not up to the entire minute yet ... maybe by next time? Who knows? I'm still not using the cable for the horizontal wood chops, but I think I'm definitely ready for them for the next round of workouts.

I'm really pleased! I can't wait for Workout B!! :)

Practicing to Eat

Three years ago I woke up on Thanksgiving morning and decided - I'm not going to eat meat anymore. I had a 25 lb turkey in the oven, but I didn't take a single bite. I just stopped - no white meat, no red meat. Just fish and vegetables.

People often ask me and look for a deeper explanation as to why I stopped eating meat -- but it was literally just a change in my mood. I didn't want to, so I didn't ... not only that, the smells of some meats (particularly chicken) started to make me feel ill.

A have a friend who is purely vegetarian. I never understood why people couldn't just accept that he was vegetarian (no fish either) ... but people often forgot. I never really understood how frustrating that must have been for him until I experienced similar things. Close friends of mine inviting me for dinner and not having any fish/vegetarian dishes ... I just didn't it ... but then again, even my family had a hard time remembering, or I would often get statements like: "Just try it, it only has a little bit of meat in it." Very frustrating indeed. (I'm sure you can remember the scene from My Big Fat Greek Wedding ...)

However, in the past three years I have had some poultry/meat. When we went to Lebanon there was a local delicacy that my friend told me I had to try ... so I did. There were a few other occasions like that where something was unique, unusual, or extraordinary ... so I tried it. Since I wasn't vegetarian (or rather pescatarian) for any religious regions, not even for any specific health reasons, I had no problem trying foods that were highly recommended. Even then, however, I usually only took a bite or two. It's always just been for taste, never as a full meal or anything close to that.

Today, however, I ate meat.

Last month I was gifted a Crock-pot, so today I decided to try it out. I bought a fresh piece of New Zealand lean beef, and added it to some sliced potatoes, carrots, and garlic, and let it cook for 6 hours. Then I sat down and ate meat for dinner.

You may be wondering - why? Why after 3 years am I all of a sudden sitting down to eat meat?

The answer in a nutshell: Argentina.

Argentina is very well known for amazing steaks. I do not plan on traveling all the way to South America, with three enthusiastic carnivores, and sitting on the sidelines while they enjoy some of the best steak in the world! I highly doubt I will eat meat on a daily basis - I may even only eat it once ... but I will definitely have a steak when I go to Argentina.

So me eating some meat today is in preparation for my trip. The last thing I want to do is get to Buenos Aires, sit down in a great steakhouse, have my steak, and then get sick ...

Am I compromising my health by suddenly eating meat? Am I making a foolish move by 'practicing' to eat meat just to reach an end goal of actually enjoying eating meat?

I don't think so. Maybe others will have a different opinion. I know plenty of physically fit, health conscious people who follow no dietary restrictions other than being sensible about what they eat ... So is what I'm doing falling into the realm of being sensible? I think it's ok. I definitely believe that the refined sugars and artificial flavors in candies and cakes would do more damage than eating a bit of red meat ... but then again, I'm no nutritionist. Perhaps I'm just making up excuses to justify my decision ... perhaps. All I know is that after three years, I ate meat ... and it was good!!

Slow and Steady

My cardio session went really well today. I'm pleased to see steady improvement each time I get to the gym:

Date	Time	Distance	Av. speed	Calories	Maximum
Dec. 11	35 min	2.52 km	4.3 km/hr	153	4 min @ 4.8 km/hr
Dec. 15	45 min	3.47 km	4.7 km/hr	164	15 min @ 5 km/hr
Dec. 17	45 min	3.64 km	4.9 km/hr	170	25 min @ 5 & 6 min @ 5.3
Dec. 20	45 min	3.84	5.1 km/hr	176	5 min (2.5 min x 2) @ 5.5

It is, of course, still very frustrating ... especially when I know I have the strength and stamina to do it ... but I also know I can't do it right at this moment. I have to say, I think I'm being very sensible (I'm taking myself by surprise)!! Anyway.

I will continue at this slow and steady pace. I hope that I see some improvement each time I'm back in the gym. I'd definitely like to complete walking 5 km within 45 min by the end of this year -- but I won't push it. If I feel any strain, then I'll stop.

I think my food habits have been ok. I think my portions have been good, but the substance, I'm not so sure.

Oatmeal is my go-to breakfast. Occasionally I'll have a banana, but to be honest, I'm not eating that much fruit at the moment ... I really should make more of an effort. My lunches have a bit heavier - for the past 3 days I've had some sort of pasta. It's very unusual for me to have pasta, especially three days in a row. They've been small portions, but still ... I guess it's because I'm usually starving by lunch time (I eat breakfast at 5:30 a.m.) so I want something more substantial and definitely something that will keep me warm. I need to find a better alternative. I think I need to go back to either my lentils or my veggie scrambles. Dinner has just been a bowl of vegetable soup the past few days. I throw in a few croutons for a bit of crunch, and tonight I had a bowl of steamed broccoli and carrots for some added substance (I was hungry!!) - and that's it. So as you can see, nothing complicated about what I'm eating, but I'm wondering if I'm eating well enough. We'll see - now that I'm finally working out, albeit not as much as before, I probably need to tweak my eating plan a bit.