I tried to let it go and tell myself that it's not a big deal. I'm not going to binge; it wasn't a trigger food; I'm not craving it; the healthy lifestyle that I've no adopted is not going to fall to pieces, etc.
Still, I obsessed over it for most of the day. I talked to D about it in the evening and I found it really difficult to explain what exactly was bothering me. Then it hit me - it has to do with fear.
I'm finding it difficult not to think ahead and wonder how my life is going to change (if it's going to change) after this challenge.
To be honest, I don't see myself stopping the habits that I've been building over the past few weeks. I guess what I fear is other people's reactions -- will they be ok if I'm not eating the same way as them or drinking with them?
I know it's silly to think about others, but the social scene is a reality that I'll have to face. If the choices I've been making (the good ones) are the ones that I'll be continuing, then both my friends and I have to look at the changes I've been making as something beyond a game -- it is really turning into a lifestyle change.
I've heard that sometimes people are afraid to lose weight because they don't know how they will feel being a normal size.
I for one don't have that issue ... but perhaps one of my fears is that after the actual challenge is over, what will I be able to use as an 'excuse' for leading a healthy lifestyle.
This evening as I attended another birthday dinner with some friends, there was more cake as well as 100 questions about this 'diet' that I'm following and how a cheat meal once in a while is ok.
It's basically the same stuff that I discussed in my blog post a few days ago. The thing is, I know the answers -- but in reality, sometimes I just don't feel brave enough to say them out loud.
I need to figure out a way to vocalize more. I don't want somebody else to be associated with a lapse in my diet. I need to take responsibility for my choices - for what I want to have and what I don't want to have. I cannot afford to be afraid; being afraid has held me back before - it's not going to happen again.
Ok - enough of that. I really do need to move on and let it go.
There was another birthday dinner tonight. This time I took my cue form what one of Norma's friends did a while back - she brought her own food to the gathering. I asked the hostess beforehand if she would mind if I brought my own food - she said it was fine, and immediately I felt better. She actually had cooked a lot of good vegetarian food - but there was also a lot of bread, different types of dressings, and cheese. So, I'm glad I took my own tuna/avocado/black bean salad; I enjoyed my meal while they ate theirs. Of course at the end of it there was cake -- and while I did blow out the candles, I politely refused a piece.
They did ask me more about this 'diet' that I was following. I tried to clarify that it wasn't a short-term, quick-fix diet. I'm doing this for 8 weeks to see how I feel and what habits (if any) I can sustain for the rest of my life. It's not always easy to explain, but some get that it's all about the choices I'm making. I'm not looking for a cheat meal or a relaxed day. I know that I want to give it my all.
Anyway. Tomorrow's my birthday and D has something very special planned -- for me, I just want to have fun, hang out with my good friends, and stay WLC-compliant :)