Stuff

I have so much stuff.

I feel like I've been throwing out/donating/getting rid of my 'stuff' for the past year, but still there's more.

Today I felt like I reached my breaking point.

I was going through my clothes - again - and all of a sudden I just felt completely overwhelmed. There were just so many clothes to go through. I just couldn't believe I had so many (where were they every morning when I struggled to figure out what to wear?!). I was irritated at myself because I knew that many of them were from years and years ago (I'm talking 8 or so years). I've hung on to them because they're still in good shape and because I thought - maybe one day I'll wear them again. I'd say 90% of my clothes have been worn well; the other 10% have either just been worn once or not at all.

As I was pulling clothes off the hanger I was getting frustrated. Most of the clothes were going into the donate pile, and as the pile started getting higher, I started to feel more anxious.

I don't know if I can explain exactly what was being anxious. I guess I felt like I was being really wasteful.

I know that the reason why I'm getting rid of the clothes (they're all way too big for me) is a good one. I'd rather just get rid of them and give them away than have them hanging in my closet collecting dust. I'm also glad that I'm getting rid of them because they're too big rather than too small. It's a sign of progress.

Still, I just felt overwhelmed. I guess it's because even after spending a couple of hours sorting through my stuff I still have much more ... and this is just my clothes!

I also have other bits and pieces - things I've collected (magnets, post cards, other souvenirs from travels) - that I need to go through. I just don't feel like going through them. At the same time, I want them to be totally organized and streamlined. It just takes so much time.

Maybe that's what I'm most annoyed about. If I had taken the time in the first place, first of all to be sensible and not buy them in the first place, and second of all, to put the stuff away in the right place, then I wouldn't be in this mess.

The same frustration applies to my weight too.

Maybe that's what is really bugging me?

If I hadn't gained so much weight in the first place - eaten right, exercised well - then I wouldn't be where I am today.

I know there's really no sense lamenting over the past. I know that I'm heading in the right direction now. I am happy about where I am now and I am optimistic about my future progress ... still, it doesn't remove the fact that there's still a lot of emotional stuff that I need to work through. Just coz' the weight comes off doesn't mean the emotional burdens that got me there in the first place have magically disappeared. I know that the stuff I have accumulated over the years is also a consequence of those emotional issues. There's still much work to be done, and I'm ready to do it (though I'm not saying I won't whine a little along the way).