An Anxious Struggle

Part of the goal to get healthy is not just physical, it's emotional/mental too ... I left something out of Sunday's post, but seeing the morning/day that I've had, I think it's important for me to rewind a bit and briefly mention what happened.

The day had already been a struggle, and after posting my blog for the day, it didn't really improve. I got in the middle of some drama that left me feeling quite anxious -- add to that some extra tasks that I ended up having to do this week and I felt completely overwhelmed. The result = crying myself to sleep (from stress) and of course the insomnia I wrote about yesterday.

This morning I woke up feeling like crap. One thing that I realized is that the tears are probably a consequence of PMS, which became apparent after TOM just happened to occur 5 days early ... It's a bit of a relief because I've been having horrible cramps for the past week, plus I've been feeling incredibly bloated and heavy. After the amount of pain I was in last month I've really been dreading this. I just didn't feel ready to face the pain again -- and I've already written so many times about how much of a struggle all this is for me both physically and emotionally. Everything I wrote in The Last Rant back in November still holds true :(

For some reason, I just couldn't take it this morning. So I cried all the way to the gym, walked in and saw D (RPM trainer), who quickly pulled me aside and let me vent. I felt a bit better but wasn't sure how I was going to approach my workout ... part of me really didn't want to be there. I just wanted to escape -- but I didn't.

I got on the treadmill for my 1 km warm-up. For the first time ever I completed it in under 9 minutes. I didn't even think about my time or speed, I just went for it - ran when I wanted to (total of 4.5 minutes) and walked when I needed to ... seeing the time definitely gave me the energy boost I needed to complete Workout B1 of Stage 6 in NROL4W. It was a short workout - reverse lunges with dumbbell on shoulder (7 kg); dumbbell 2 point row (10 kg); dumbbell push press (8 kg/hand); back extension (72 kg -- sure did love seeing that stack of weights move up!); and incline reverse crunches -- followed by some other abs exercises and finishing off with another 1.5 km on the treadmill.

By the time I was showered and dressed I felt a bit more in control ...

Work was fine.

It just happened that a few of my girlfriends were meeting for lunch (they are usually caught up at work) so we enjoyed a pleasant lunch overlooking the sea ...

Everything sounds good, right?

I thought everything was fine, but then around 3:30 pm, I was driving and I suddenly felt like somebody had kicked me in the stomach. The pain was so intense that I thought I was going to pass out ... NOT the way you want to feel when driving! I made it home by 4:15 and threw up (sorry, gross). I was dizzy and shaking, my cramps were excruciating (even though I had taken meds at 1 pm).

I had to lie down ... I basically stayed in bed (except for a bit of time to post this blog) and rested. I was supposed to attend a lecture this evening, but I couldn't. There was no way I could drive, and definitely no way I could sit and concentrate on someone else speaking for a few hours. I just wanted silence. I have just been sitting/lying down in silence for the past few hours.

I just don't feel well. I don't feel calm and relaxed. I feel really, really anxious - and the fact that I can't seem to control this anxiety (which is being caused by external factors that really have me down - I'm still struggling with issues from last month) ... I'm sure all this anxiety is not helping my cramps. I'm really struggling.

It's tough because I feel like I escape at the gym - I can focus on my workouts and feel strong ... but when I leave the gym, the rest of the world, and the rest of my reality awaits me. I hate confrontation. I know I need to deal with these issues because they are already consuming me ... but they're not simple. Still, I know I have to do something -- I can't go on like this.