SSSD Update & Week 8

Crazy busy day today -- lots and lots of errands. The good news, mom's paperwork is FINALLY ALL DONE! I managed to finish the last bit of paperwork that we had been waiting for. I'm so relieved - and so is she! Now this chapter is officially closed and we can all get on with other things.

This week was a good one for me in terms of food and exercise. However, it totally sucked in the sleep department! In the past week I got a total of 18 hours of sleep. That's averages out to slightly over 2.5 hours of sleep a night. I'm hurtin' real bad today but I've just had to push through coz' there's so much that needed to be done.

So, a quick recap of this past week -
1. Got all my errands done except for one.
2. Have started my workout plan for my holiday - but it'll have to be completed on the plane
3. Met my targets of working out for 5 hours & completing week 3 of C25K. I worked out for a total of 7 hours!
4. I'm definitely feeling more positive and determined than last week. I hope the attitude continues.

The challenge goal was to sign up for a 5K -- I've signed up for a 10K this coming November - fingers crossed I'm ready by then!

This week - Week 8: Embrace a Fitness Fear
I've actually already kinda started to work on embracing my fitness fears. However, there's still a lot more work to be done in this area. Embracing my fear will come in a two different forms this week:-

Fear 1: I'll be starting Week 4 of the C25K program, which will involve runs at stretches of 4 minutes and 6 minutes. If that's not facing a fear then I don't know what is! I'm also going to try and do one of these sessions outdoors. That'll be something new for me.

Fear 2: Burpees - For me, burpees are the worst part of CrossFit, but they're also one of the best exercises. I'm definitely improving, but I absolutely dread them. Each time I head to the Box I think - I hope there are no burpees today. During one of the sessions I missed I found out that they had done 100 burpees. *Gulp* To be honest, I was kinda relieved that I had missed that session ... and then I started to feel guilty. What's benefit will I get from hiding from this exercise? So I told myself there are two burpee challenges I want to put for myself - 1) complete 100 burpees and see how long it takes for me to finish; 2) see how many burpees I can complete within 7 minutes.

Both the run and the burpee challenge terrify me. Hopefully I'll be able to face my fears successfully.

I'm off to Rome in a few hours. I'll try to blog/comment as often as possible while I'm away.

Hope everyone has a great week :)

Time to Celebrate

Warning: In this blog post, there will be cake.

I've made it a point never to write about cake, desserts, and all that 'good' stuff that all of us trying to lose weight and get healthy are trying to avoid ... but today is an exception. Today, we had a very good reason to celebrate.

When I met Fatma at my gym several months ago, I had no idea what kind of impact she was going to have on my life. For some time, she was just another member at the gym - someone who came regularly, worked hard, and then went about her life. That's how it usually happens, right? People at the gym are just people at the gym - rarely do we get to know more about them and find out what their story is ... we just continue to go our own way. I'm so glad that didn't happen with Fatma.

When she first asked me if I would be interested in joining a group of women to try out a new form of exercise, I said yes - I'm always up for an adventure! At that time I hadn't heard about CrossFit so I had no idea what I was getting myself in to! However, before we even go to try out the workout, I got to know more about her. I wrote a bit about our conversation back in April (about half way through this post). It was during this interaction that I learned more about what her story was - where she's come from and how she got to where she is now.

You usually see athletes and super-fit people at the gym and think - Well, it's easy for them because they've always been that way. (At least that's usually my first impression.) This wasn't the case with her. When she told me that she used to be very overweight, I didn't believe her. I mean, could the person sitting next to me really have lost that much weight (about 45 kg/100 lbs) in 5 months? Was she for real?

Yes. Very real.

There are a lot of us out there who struggle to lose weight. Often the main obstacle is a mental one -- coming up with the decision, drive, and dedication to just go for your goal without any hesitation.

She overcame that obstacle. She decided she was going to change her life -- and she did.

Now, she follows a healthy lifestyle. She is now Coach Fatma - the trainer of the women's CrossFit team of CrossFit Q8. She is a role model for all of us. She has shown us that you can go from a situation where you feel like there is no hope, that the task is just way too big, to one where you are in control of your life ... and you are happy.

Before writing this post, I asked her how much she has changed in the past year - and she said 100%.

100%

Can you imagine saying that about your life? Has your life changed 100% in the past year? Wouldn't you like to see your life change 100% one year from now? (Even if it's just 100% in one aspect of your life.)

Coach Fatma pushes us at the CrossFit Box. She pushes us to give just a little bit more - do one more rep, lift one more kilo, do one more (bloody) burpee. I know for myself, when I was introduced to CrossFit three months ago and properly started training at the Box almost exactly two months ago, I had no idea how much I would have progressed in such a short period of time. I still have a long way to go, but I know that I can get there. Through Coach Fatma and the other amazing women on our team, I have learned about taking chances, about not being afraid to try harder, about having the strength to believe in yourself - which will then give you the strength to push those weights. Starting to change my mentality has helped me in so many ways - and in various areas of my life, not just fitness.

So as I said, today we had reason to celebrate. Today was Coach Fatma's birthday, and we were all super-excited to be part of her day.

What do you think of this cake? Isn't it adorable?

Coach Fatma is the first female CrossFitter in Kuwait -- She's our First Lady :)

Kettlebell swings - piece of cake ;)

Our women's CrossFit Q8 Team:

Happy Birthday Coach Fatma! 

We wish you many, many more!

Practicing my Exercises

I'm so glad I enjoy going to the gym. In the beginning I was really obsessed with burning calories - and I mean really obsessed. At the end of each workout, my elation or frustrated depended entirely on the number of calories burned (and you know those machines aren't accurate anyway!). I didn't get any satisfaction from the exercises; it was just about the number. Taking it to that level ended up being a form of psychological torture for me, though it took me a long time to figure that out.

In my obsession with the numbers, I never really took the time to enjoy what I was doing and notice any progress. I did lose weight, but I didn't notice whether or not I had become faster or stronger.

Now, it's entirely different. I do wear a heart-rate monitor to give me a general idea of how many calories I burned, but I don't use it to measure the success or failure of a workout. I also don't use the number of calories to try to negotiate my food intake. I don't exercise so that I can eat more. I do, however, eat slightly differently depending on my workout of the day - intense/mild/none. I still have work to do on eating right, but my perspective on that is continuing to improve on a daily basis. It's my outlook and approach to exercise, however, that has changed dramatically, particularly after completing the New Rules of Lifting for Women weights program and now with CrossFit.

Completing the New Rules of Lifting for Women program was one of the best gym experiences I've had. I bought the book and completed the 7-stage program. I trusted the program. I did the best I could, and I got amazing results. I am so much stronger now that I ever was before. My body shape has changed a lot. Most of all, I am so much more confident in the gym (and in my regular life as well). I'm no longer afraid to pick up heavier weights or at least try an exercise that looked intimidating before. I remember that I would refuse to do burpees properly at the gym. I was too afraid of failing at them, so I would modify the exercise and just be 'satisfied' with that. One day, at home, I told myself - Right. Stop being ridiculous. Try a proper one right now. There's nobody here to judge you, criticize you, mock you. Just do it. I did.

That one little action really changed my attitude.

There are still many exercises that I find intimidating, but I don't shy away from them. I give them a go. If my body is not ready for it, then that's fine - but I'll give it a go.

This attitude has brought me to my newest phase -- not just exercising, but practicing as well.

CrossFit has opened up a whole new range of challenges for me. It's pushed me to a level that I never thought I could go to before. I struggle during each session, but I keep trying ... and I can't wait to successfully conquer all the exercises ... but the only way that's going to happen is to practice.

So now, I workout at the CrossFit box and I do my workouts at the gym, mainly boxing and C25K, but I also practice.

Running Practice: I categorize my whole C25K attempt as my practice for running since it gradually helps you build up your endurance.

Boxing Practice: My right arm is strong so I love throwing punches with my right arm ... but I've scaled back a bit and am focusing more on my left arm. I also practice my upper cuts - both right and left - because right now I look so ridiculous doing them that if I was ever going to attack someone with my upper cut they'd just burst out laughing (potential defense strategy!) ;)

CrossFit Practice: Box jumps; pull ups; double unders; burpees -- there are other moves that I need to practice, but these are the 4 exercises that I'm working on right now. I struggle with all of them, but as I even with a few days of practice I notice improvement already. Bit by bit they're getting better.

Although I want to be successful right now in all these moves, I'm finally taking the time to enjoy the process of practicing my exercises and seeing myself improve.

It's no longer about the number. It really is about working to reach my potential. What more of a confidence booster could you ask for?

Several Attempts

I only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep last night. I spent a good 3 hours tossing and turning, practically in tears that I couldn't fall asleep. WTF? I'm on vacation. I have no stress. Nothing that needs my immediate attention. Nothing that was distracting me ... and I was still tossing and turning.

The lack of sleep is really fucking with me. There's no other way to put it. I can feel the impact on my body immediately. I'm not lethargic, but there's something inside that doesn't feel right. It's almost as if my organs haven't rested. I know that sounds strange, but I don't have any other way to describe the feeling.

Despite the lack of sleep I still made it to the gym this morning. Today was going to be the only day before traveling that I would have to get a boxing session in. So somehow or the other I dragged my truly hurtin' ass to the gym and headed straight to the boxing bag - didn't even drop my bags at my locker.

I had four goals for my workout this morning:
1) Boxing
2) Practice double unders
3) Practice box jumps
4) Practice pull ups

The last 3 were mainly to help me with my CrossFit training.

My boxing session started off a bit shaky. I found it hard to get the force into my arms, but by the end of it, I had a really good combo set to worn on and the power came out. My poor knuckles! They're still  red, but it was worth it!

I've really improved on my jump rope skips. I can easily jump for about 2 minutes straight. So, the next thing to try is double unders - when you have the rope go under your feet twice in one jump. I must have tried 50 times -- and all I got were 50 whips on my shins from where the rope hit me. So - regular skips, about 800, double under attempts, 50. Successful completion - 0! Not yet ... but soon.

I think I've become obsessed with box jumps. I am so mad that I couldn't do the double box jump! Still, I'm not going to accomplish it just by being frustrated - I gotta practice. I actually started this yesterday (forgot to write about it). This is what I jumped yesterday: [About 17 inches high/44 cm]

I managed to jump that (both feet up at the same time from standing position) 5 or 6 times.

This morning I added another step - after a few false starts, I succeeded at doing that ... and then added one more. It was a no go. I tried so many times - I must have attempted it at least 25 times. :( Fail.
I would take it down a bit, jump that a few times, and then quickly add the step to psych myself into jumping again - ugh. No go!! WTF. I know it's in my head. Anyway. I ended by taking 2 quick steps towards the bench and jumping up one leg at a time. I did that several times. It's not a proper box jump, but I'm working on it. I really want to do this!

Finally, my pull-ups. I used the assisted pull up machine to help me out. I just want to continue to practice so that my body gets used to the motion. I'm doing much better than I did before. It was good to see some progress.

Easier than I Thought

I really have found that on days when I intend to workout in the morning, the best strategy is to wake up and put on my gym clothes. Otherwise, it gets hard to motivate getting out of the door, even if I really do want to get to the gym. This morning, of all the things to distract me from getting out the door, it was reading blogs that made me feel like making a cup of coffee and just catching up on reading and commenting.

Luckily I put that thought on hold - had a banana and 2 dates, put on my gym gear, grabbed a change of clothes and headed out. I had a simple workout planned for this morning - C25K Week 3 Day 3. The dreaded 3-minute run of week 3 has definitely become easier. I increased my 3-min run speed to 7.7 km/hr and my 90 sec run speed to 8 km/hr. I didn't struggle with the pace. What's still a bit challenging is keeping going for that long (3 min, not 90 sec. The 90 sec is easy now). Still, I got it done. I've improved my distance with each running session.

I'm a bit annoyed with the fact that I still dread going for a run (parts of a run), especially when this is something that I actually want to do ... how can those two opposing feelings exist? I don't know. All I know is that when those feelings of dread (it's really that fear of failure that's popping up again) come up, I tell myself - If you want this, you gotta do the work. So I did.

My goal is to try and complete Week 4 while I'm in Italy. I know I'll be gone for 2 weeks, but I think it may be too ambitious to try to complete both Weeks 4 & 5 while being away. I'll be satisfied if I just finish the 3 days of running while I'm on holiday.

I got a chance to relax a bit this afternoon, and for the first time this summer, I finally felt like I was on vacation. It was a good feeling!

Later in the afternoon I headed to the CrossFit Box. We had a good session today. We mainly focused on core work versus strength. It was a nice change of pace (though we were still panting and sweating at the end of the WOD!)

Warm-up
200 jump rope skips (Getting easy now! I should attempt double unders soon.)
Dynamic stretches

Strength focus
Military shoulder press -- you take the barbell and press straight up over your head without using your knees to help you push the bar up
5 sets of 5 reps
I was the only one to manage 2 straight sets with 25 kg weights :)

WOD
15 minutes AMRAP
8 pull ups
10 jump squats
12 hanging leg raises

Doesn't sound like much, right. Try it for 15 minutes straight and then judge!

Ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in almost 2 months and he said that I looked like I had lost quite a bit of weight -- I can never get tired of hearing that statement! :)

Bits and Pieces

After I have a meltdown like I did on Saturday, everything looks bleak and I often feel like I just won't be able to get out of that funk ... and then I see something like this {I tried to embed the video - didn't work! Do take a moment to click on the hyperlink and watch it on YouTube.}


The CrossFit Games
The CrossFit Games took place this past weekend. I wasn't able to watch it live (because of the 10 hour time difference) but I watched most of it via YouTube and the videos on the crossfit. com. Talk about getting the motivation to bury those voices of self-doubt and pick yourself up again!

I took away several things from that video clip:
1. Wow - look at their strength
2. Imagine how hard they had to work to get to where they are
3. Damn, I do a lot of those exercises; granted, not at that weight or at that speed, but still, I do them
4. Not all the competitors go continuously; they need to stop and rest too
5. It's all about giving it your all and finishing - the support from the crowd for the last competitor was fantastic

It definitely gave me an extra bit of confidence that I needed. Does CrossFit still intimidate me? Hell ya.  Will I give up? Absolutely not!


My CrossFit Progress
The cardio aspect is actually really tough - all that jumping around, box jumps and burpees in particular, but it's getting better.

I am now in the advanced group of CrossFitters. I had my first advanced class yesterday. It's a much smaller group which is nice because we get more focused attention (torture) and we can work on technique. The workouts are brutal, but they're invigorating too! I was especially giddy after yesterday's session because of my 100 kg. (220 lbs.) dead lift record! Yay!! Our Coach hit a personal best herself yesterday too - 120 kg!!! Wow!!! I teased her and said it was comforting to know that in case of an emergency she could just pick a few of us up and rush us to safety ;)

My jump rope skips are definitely improving. Yesterday we were supposed to jump for 2 min straight. I got to 1 min 55 sec before the damn rope got caught in my shoe! Arrgh! Before I was proud when I got to 1 min straight; to be at almost 2 min feels great.


C25K
I'm progressing through C25K really, really slowly, but I'm still doing it. I finished Day 2 of Week 3 on Sunday. I upped my speed just a little and kept it at a 0.2% incline throughout. The 3-min running stretches aren't horrible; I know any difficulty I feel with it is really in my head. You can read about my progress here. I hope to finish the last day before I travel and then hopefully do at least week 4 while I'm away.

Back in April I signed up for a 10km which was to be held on November 23. On Saturday I got an email saying that it has been rescheduled to October 27. They said you could request a refund if you wanted ... I have to admit that I felt like canceling for a second. I mean, that's pretty much 1 month earlier. I'm having enough trouble just getting to 1km now - will I be ready for 10km by the end of October? I decided to just stick with it anyway. If I feel completely unprepared by the time of the race, then I can always bow out - but for right now, I'm challenging myself to step it up. Update: I just received an email saying that the race is now on November 3rd. {Don't know why they keep changing their mind!} At least that buys me another week. I'm going to keep on training and hope that I'm ready on the day of the race.


Other Fitness
I'm totally behind in my boxing workouts, but I hope that I can get at least one session in tomorrow. My arms have been so sore from CrossFit. I don't want to overdo it, but I also don't want to let go of the boxing. It's SO cathartic!!

I haven't made it to a single Body Balance/Yoga/Pilates class. The scheduling is all off because of the summer and I've just been too busy. I really do need to make some time to do some stretching and relaxation though. I think it'll help me keep my focus more when it comes to CrossFit.

I've been wanting to go swimming for ages, and today, I finally made it to the pool! I did 20 laps. It felt really good to be in the water. My arms were still pretty tired, but I also felt like the different movement and the resistance of the water did me some good. Although I had a ton of errands to run today, I did take 20-minutes to soak up some sun :)

Life
My main mission for today was to get rid of all the snacks and munchies that were in the house from the time my parents were here. Yesterday I mindlessly sat down with a bag of crisps - I seriously cannot have that stuff in the house! So I packed everything together in a bag and gave them to my housekeeper today. I feel better now that all that stuff is out of the house!

I got my visa for Italy :) Now I can finally start really getting excited for the trip.

I've steadily been making my way through my to-do list. The heat has been brutal though, and even though I'm driving around in my air conditioned car, the sun is merciless. It's in the 50's everyday (120's Fahrenheit). There's only so much an A/C can do!  I'm just glad there's hardly any humidity. We may burn as we walk from the house to the car, but at least we don't sweat that much! I made the mistake of leaving the house without any water today -- I definitely won't make that mistake tomorrow!

Focus for Today

Lots to say and share, but for today all that matters to me is one thing:

I hit a personal record today and dead lifted 100 kg (220 lbs.). 

I am very proud!

SSSD Update Week 7

This past week has been a big one for me. There were a lot of changes in my routine, and I didn't seem to follow any type of regular pattern at all when it came to eating, sleeping, or exercising - definitely not an ideal situation when it comes to trying to lose weight. Still, life/lemons/lemonade and all that ... After yesterday's little meltdown, I made a few realizations that I hope will help me keep perspective and maybe, just maybe, remain a bit more positive. So here's my update for the week.

SSSD Update 
Challenge for the Week: Eat Vegetarian (can eat fish)
As I said last week, this was a breeze for me because I don't eat chicken/meat anyway. Four years ago I woke up on Thanksgiving morning and decided - I don't want to eat meat anymore. I went ahead and cooked my 28 lb. turkey and I still prepare meat dishes for friends and family, but I don't partake. So, definitely a success for me!

Personal Goals
1. Not to let the stress of not having a fixed routine get me down and lead to bingeing -
This week, I accepted all that was going on around me. I realized that making the most of the last few days with my family were more important than anything else. Food wise, this week wasn't perfect. There were a few off plan meals and there were definitely more sweet treats this week than I would have liked, but no bingeing. 
2. Do at least 5 workouts - I didn't workout at all! Aside from one day when I did a few exercises at home, my week just consisted of running around doing errands and a whole lot of packing! Not exercising for a week isn't normal for me, so I'm not too worried about this though it feels terrible and embarrassing to write!
3. Back to tracking - I did take note of what I was eating, but I know that's not enough. I've got to write my foods down along with their nutritional breakdown. This was also a fail for this week :( 
4. Keep my weight loss goal in mind  - Weight loss is ALWAYS on my mind -- but having this as a goal is mainly to remind me to stay vigilant and remind myself, if I want to fit into that dress, I've got to make sure I make good choices. The only person I'm going to hurt by not working hard towards my goals is myself. I find it easier said than done. I don't know why; it just is ... but I'm trying to keep my focus and make sure my actions reflect my desires. 


Weight update - gained 1.5 lbs! :( 
Fat% - down 1% (perhaps the weight gained = muscle gain?)
Measurement update - mostly the same; a few tiny, tiny changes in some places like my neck and arm ... but the biggest change? 2.5 inches lost around my waist! I'm very happy with that!!

This week's goals
I've got exactly 1 week until I travel to Italy (though my visa hasn't come through yet, so I hope I do make the trip!) so there's a lot I need to do before then.
Challenge for the week - Commit to and sign up for a 5K - I've never done a 5K, but I've already signed up for a 10K that'll be held in October. I can't even run 5K at the moment, so working up to doing 10K is a mega-challenge!!

Personal goals -
1. Get my errands done - tons to do and not much time; going to make my final list today
2. Make a plan for my holiday to help me stay on track and not gain weight (in the land of pizza and pasta ... yikes!)
3. Get at least 5 workouts in & finish Week 3 of C25K!
4. Find a way to stay positive or at least a strategy to help me overcome those moments of negativity and pessimism

Mental Distractions

I find that I have to mentally prepare quite a bit before my CrossFit sessions. I'm always excited about each class, but I also feel intimidated. Voices of self-doubt and insecurity take over my mind - will I be able to do it? Suppose I can't? What if they have an exercise that I'll completely fail at?

I am aware of these distracting and detrimental voices. Today I tried my best to push them out of my head. I kept telling myself - You can do it. Just give it your best.

I also tried to challenge myself - If there are burpees, don't think about it. Just go. Just do it. They're not impossible. The fatigue is just in your mind.

Actually I find my mind to be fatiguing!

I missed the last two CrossFit sessions and I'll be missing several more while I'm away. I think that anticipation - of not being prepared/not practicing enough - was also weighing on my mind. Why is it that I try to bring myself down before I've actually tried? Why do I assume that I'll fail? I thought my self-confidence had improved ... apparently not.

I have a routine for Saturdays now - Our CrossFit session is at 3:30. I have a big breakfast @ 8 a.m. (egg white omelet with veggies) followed by a cup of coffee @ 10 a.m. I then have a banana around 1 p.m. and 2 dates just before I head out the door (though I forgot them today). [Actually, the fact that I forgot them also sent a nagging thought to my mind - you didn't have your dates; you may not have enough energy today. -- Damn, I really know how to psych myself out! How irritating!] After CrossFit I have a protein shake, followed by dinner some time between 7:30 & 8:00 p.m.

The plan is set. It works.
Not having to think about my routine means that I have more time to focus on thinking positively about my performance during training.

I got there a bit early today, and one of the other members of the team was doing a workout. It took my breath away. She was jumping rope, doing step ups, walking with weights, doing burpees + sprinting. I was in awe. I was inspired, but unfortunately, my negative self also said - you'll never be able to do that.

Why do I do that to myself? I know that I am not at that level yet ... but with practice and dedication, I can get there. I know I can. Yet I bring myself down with these negative thoughts. What's more annoying is that I know that these thoughts are bad, yet I can't control them. I guess I just need to try harder.

Anyway. I think having all these thoughts on my mind really got in the way of my performance. Actually, even if I did well I don't think my mind is ready to give a compliment. All I remember is that I was exhausted. I felt drained. I kept telling myself to FOCUS, but I also kept getting distracted.

I don't want to make excuses for why these distractions occur, though I know I could give you at least 12 off the top of my head.

Our WOD was AMRAP in 15 min:
15 clean pulls (used a 20 kg plate)
5 burpees (w/no push up)
10 dead lifts (did 50 kg for the first time; I lifted 40 kg the last time we had it for our WOD)
5 burpees (w/no push up)
10 hand release push ups
5 burpees (w/no push up)

I managed to complete 4 1/2 rounds. I don't know how the others did ... all I had in my mind was - damn, it was tough. I should have been able to push through more. It upsets me that I wasn't happy with my performance - that means I let my mental distractions take over. I've really got to get a grip.

Some people may say, well, at least you went and you tried ... but honestly, that's not good enough. I want to do more. I need to make sure my actions follow my desires.

Our challenge workout at the end was to hold plank pose for as long as possible. I know that I have no ab strength. It definitely hasn't been the same since the surgery. Basic moves that I could do before are more difficult now. That's when flashes of 'The Last Rant' come back in full force. Will I ever get over it? I guess the thoughts are at the front of my mind right now as I've started researching specialist surgeons in the UK and the States to see if this problem can be resolved -- we'll see.

In any case, all these thoughts just remind me how losing weight and getting healthy does not rely on just one factor. You need the desire, dedication, discipline, and drive to get your workouts in, eat right, stay mentally and emotionally focused. These are all important components. These are all things that I want to/need to improve on. I guess on days when I'm feeling mentally distracted I feel like everything else comes crashing down. I guess I should be thankful that I don't let my emotional distress keep me away from the gym, and I'm even more thankful that I don't binge eat anymore! So, I guess I'm making some positive strides. I'm going to try and continue to be positive and take obstacles as learning experiences rather than signs of failure. I really feel like once I can overcome and eliminate these mental distractions, I'll be able to take it to a whole other level. That has to be my focus from now on.

I have to keep working on this cycle -- and hope that I can reach that central goal.

Getting to It

The past 8 months have been filled with so many big distractions. It's been tough to follow a steady routine. I've pretty much come to accept that my 'normal' routine is one that has to make accommodations for unexpected events. Unexpected events always happen -- so my new plan needs to make allowances for these so that I don't get completely thrown off track.

I don't think I've done too horribly, but I know that I haven't performed as well as I would have liked to. I started this blog on July 12, 2011 - just over a year ago. I definitely thought I would have lost more weight by now. I've only lost 7 kg (15 lbs) in total. I've gained and lost the same few kilos over and over again. It's so frustrating. I could lament over this, but I know that'll do me no good. The positives -- I've dropped 2 dress sizes and I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I'd be. Those are the good things. Now I've got to focus on how to really move forward.

I know I've put in the time at the gym, but I really need to focus on my food. My sweet tooth is a killer, and the fact that I haven't measured my food properly with a measuring cup/scale is showing up on the weighing machine. My estimates aren't good enough. I've got to be more careful.

I only have about a week before I travel again. I can't wait for my trip, but at the same time I really wish I had a bit more time to collect myself before rushing off again. Still - gotta focus on the positive stuff. No more complaining!

So, my parents are gone (they've landed safely), and now it's time to tackle all the other stuff that I've been putting off in my own life.

First stop - the gym!

I did 5 km on the treadmill - a mixture of jogging and walking. I didn't have a set plan; I just wanted to finish 5 km. Zumba class was on at 12, but since it's summertime and people would rather lay by the pool (or have traveled for the summer), there was no guarantee that there would be class. My backup plan was to walk another 5 km if we didn't have class -- luckily we did :)

I spent the rest of the day tidying up a little and doing a bit of work. I hope that I can make the most of this next week. I think that it'll be quite hectic, but what else is new in my life!?! I can relax once I'm in Italy! 

End of an Era

I took advantage and called out 'Ma' several times today just so I could hear her reply and see her coming from the other room. I didn't get to spend enough time with my parents over the last four years as I was so busy with my PhD and between us and them we did a lot of traveling. These past two weeks, as stressful as they've been, have been a blessing. We've formed new memories and strengthened our bond. I'm so grateful that I was given the opportunity to take care of them when they were in need.

Saying good-bye was terrible. I sobbed like a baby. I know that I'll see them again, but what makes it particularly hard for me to say good-bye to my mom is that because of visa restrictions on Bangladeshis in Kuwait, she will not be able to come back and visit. It makes me feel a bit suffocated/scared to think that if for some reason I needed her for an emergency, she wouldn't be able to come.

Still, I'm trying to focus on the positive. I got this time with them; they're not that far away. Nowadays with the ease of travel and the different modes of communication, staying in touch won't be an issue. I bought mom an iPad so that we can FaceTime - it'll make such a difference!

I also know that it is time for them to go back home. My grandmother (mom's mother) and my mom's only sister are very, very ill. It's important for them to all be together - and I'll be visiting them soon. I'm also happy to know that my brother is there to take care of them.

My father came to Kuwait 40 years ago. He then returned to Bangladesh, married my mom, and brought her here in 1975. This has been home ever since. They've seen this country go through so many changes, particularly the 1990 Gulf War; they've had so many good memories. My brother and I were both born here, educated here, and formed many memories here too. This has always been home for us even though we are not citizens of this country. Still, this was our home away from home where we built a family away from family. I have never lived here without my parents. It'll feel strange. It was so moving that a big group of their friends who have known them since the 70's came to the airport to say farewell. It was touching. It also reminded me that though my parents are not here, there is still a massive support system all around, and that people that have known my parents for 4 decades are still here - and are still part of my family.

Today marked the end of an era.

Workout without Equipment

No gym today either - but that didn't stop me from getting a bit of exercise in ... The good thing about these moves is that they're compound moves that work different parts of the body, and they don't require any equipment or much space.

3 rounds of
100 Jump rope skips (ok, so this needs 'equipment' but you can always replace it with jumping jacks)
50 crunches
40 squats
30 lunges
20 push ups
10 burpees

These are basically movements that we'd be doing in CrossFit, but I did them without the weight. I won't be back at CrossFit until Saturday so I gotta make sure that I'm not too far behind.

I'm trying to convince my husband to allow me to put up a pull up bar in the house. He's not convinced - but how else will I practice? Will keep working on it!

Last 24 hrs. with my parents - trying to make the most of it!

My Mind Said No

I didn't workout today - that's 3 days in a row now ... I would feel guilty if it wasn't for the fact that I got to take a nap next to my mom. I know, I'm 35 - but who says you're ever too old to take a nap with your mom? They've made the decision to leave on Thursday - the paperwork is 85% done. I'll take care of the rest on their behalf ... so the next 48 hours are all about them.

Don't let fitness overtake all other priorities. You don't want to have a perfect body moving through a crappy life.

I don't have a perfect body, and I don't have a crappy life -- but this quote seemed suitable for me today.  Nap with mom totally trumps anything else in my life right now -- without a doubt!

My Body Said No

I woke up at 3:00 this morning.
I really, really wanted to get back to sleep, but I couldn't -- so I got out of bed. I thought - why not enjoy the silence of the house?

I am not a parent and I know nothing of parenting, but for some reason I (am just guessing) felt like a parent must do on weekends when they think 'I hope the kids sleep for just a bit longer' - although this time it was in reverse. As 7:30 was rolling around and I knew my parents would be waking up, all I could think was, 'I hope they sleep in for a bit longer.' Of course once they're up, they're up!

I spent the whole day at home.

I tried to get a bit of work done, but wasn't too successful. We made many, many phone calls to different departments to try and figure out what the hold up was with my mom's paperwork. I think we may have made a bit of progress, but it really does seem like people forget what's going on as soon as they hang up the phone.

To relieve a bit of stress I baked a batch of banana-nut muffins:

Then to get even more stress, my body gave in at around 2:30 p.m. and said - SLEEP. Get into bed and just sleep.

I had really wanted to go to the gym, but I knew that I had to get some sleep before I could even attempt to leave the house. I was so exhausted, mentally and physically, yesterday that I knew I shouldn't even be driving!

So I slept for 3 hours! It was a wonderful sleep. I didn't really want to wake up, but I knew that if I didn't I'd really throw off my sleep cycle.

Needless to say, I didn't make it to the gym, but I did feel more rested and less stressed - two other important components with trying to be healthy.

Tonight was Dad's turn to cook. He's a wonderful cook, but he likes to use too many ingredients that are not good for you. Tonight, however, he refrained. The only 'bad' thing he used was vegetable stock. I'm saying it's bad because it's filled with way too much sodium for us. Still, he made plaice with dill and lemon and a chick pea/kidney bean mix. I added to it by trying out kale for the first time {finally found it at the supermarket!!} and added it to a baked sweet potato and cauliflower dish.

I definitely feel much better now that I've eaten something and gotten some rest. Hopefully tomorrow's day of errands will go smoothly!

Just Going with It

I tossed and turned through most of the night. I think yesterday's stress/anxiety really affected me. Whenever my trend of insomnia starts to creep up, I get even more frustrated - I'm tired. I want to sleep. My mind just won't stop.

When my alarm went off at 7:15, I just wasn't ready to get out of bed. Not only was I tired, but I knew that I had a whole day of errands to run, and I wasn't looking forward to that at all.

I put going to the gym completely out of my mind. I had already worked out 5 days in a row so I figured a rest day was ok. Plus, as I said, there were tons of errands to run - not just any errands. Tedious, frustrating errands.

Still, we've got to go through this. If this is the anxiety I'm feeling, I can't imagine how much stress mom is feeling not knowing when she can leave Kuwait or when she'll receive her indemnity payment etc. So, I thought - just suck it up and go with it. Go with it I did ...

We ran errands from 8:30 a.m. until 4:30! There was a lot of waiting around involved, which I find more tiresome than when we're actually moving and doing something ... still, we made a bit of progress. No fixed departure date set yet ... more waiting to be done.

When my parents moved in, I set 2 rules - don't wash the dishes and don't cook. They were coming under a lot of stress. The least I could do was take care of them in this way so that they don't need to worry about food (plus it was my way of controlling the food situation at home). I finally had to cave in and allow them to cook. They were really insistent. So I thought fine - mom cooks on Sunday and dad cooks on Monday. I'll help set the menu so that it's as healthy as possible ... and then I'll just go with it -- and ENJOY it. They're both terrific cooks - why not take advantage of what will probably be my last home-cooked meals in Kuwait.

Relinquishing control does NOT come easy to me ... but I did.

Mom made a cauliflower, sweet potato, and carrot curry for me (not really curry though because it didn't have gravy) and a chicken korma for the carnivores in the family. There was some rice, roti, and yogurt as well.

It was delicious. {Do you like my curry serving dishes? Used them for the first time tonight though I bought them over a year ago!}

I'm trying to take it easy and not get myself worked up. I know that it has an effect on me physically (insomnia/abdominal pain) and mentally (anxiety) -- why freak out about things I can't control? I guess coz' I think that I can control a lot of it ... baby steps. Baby steps. I'm trying to make it work.

Oh - SSSD Challenge Update

Challenge for the Week - Lose 2 lbs
I really liked having this as my focus. I weighed myself each morning and kept asking myself with everything I ate - will this lead to your 2 lb loss?

I tried my best and saw my weight fluctuate on a daily basis - up a pound, down a pound, up two pounds, down a pound etc.

I didn't lose my 2 lbs but I'm still working on it. At the very least it made me even more conscious of not only what I was eating, but how it was having an impact on my body -- always a learning experience.

Personal Goals
1. Not to let the stress of not having a fixed routine get me down and lead to bingeing - Mostly successful with this, but I started to lose it towards the end. No binging - success!
2. Do at least 5 workouts of some sort - I managed 6 :)
3. Back to tracking - Only mentally, not on paper. 
4. Keep the 2 lb loss target in mind - I did keep it in mind, but it didn't get me to my goal! Gotta keep working on it. 

This week's goals:
Challenge for the week - Vegetarian week! Yay - easy since I only eat fish & vegetables :)
Personal goals -- Same as last week. Gotta try and make some positive changes and see some good results -- My trip to Italy is coming up soon!

Until I'm Not

I think I'm generally quite good humored and I remain good humored ... until I'm not. Once I cross over into that other mood, it's very tough for me to come back. As my BFF says - "I'm scary" when I get into those moods. I think it catches people off guard if they see me in that type of dark mood. I'm glad it doesn't happen often, but when it does ... I can't hide it, nor do I want to hide it!

Today was one of those days.

I was tired and cranky. I didn't want to do anything, and I didn't want to see anybody -- those are not good emotions to have when  you've got a house full of people.

The whole week has just been so intense - all the errands, all the stress because of the uncertainty of my parents' status, then of course having my parents here. It's been great, but at the same time, over night we've gone from a quiet 2-person household to 4 people - and not quiet. I just felt like I had no space and no time to myself. I think it has just gotten to me.

I was grateful to be able to escape to the CrossFit box for our workout today.

On Saturdays the main coach/owner of CrossFit Q8 comes in to check out our technique and give us pointers. It was good - really useful. I really want to take some extra time and focus on my form so that I can establish a good foundation for the rest of my movements. I need to make that a priority -- when I have the time!

The WOD was good - the toughest part for me was the 21 burpees. *sob* Hate them MF'ers!!

Round 1 x 2
21 cleans
21 burpees

Round 2
21 deadlifts
21 pull ups

11 deadlifts
11 pull ups

Round 3 x 2
21 push jerks
21 hand release push ups

Aside from the burpees, I felt good with the rest of the moves. Oh, the pull ups are still very difficult, but I do think I'm improving - slowly.

I left the Box feeling a bit better but still quite distracted. I know I need to focus and concentrate more, but with so much else going on, it's been tough.

The food situation was going alright in the house but it's been deteriorating a bit - and not because of me. My dad is so hard to control. He wants to eat 'good' food - and by that I mean food that isn't prepared healthily at all. He wants to cook and I don't want him to cook. He uses too much oil, too much salt, and other ingredients that are not good for any of us in the house. He makes jokes about food - e.g. this turkey wrap would be so much better if it was fried. He keeps talking about fried food ...  all this talk about unhealthy food just got the best of my today. I was in an absolutely foul mood. I'm trying so hard to be good ... and it's not like they're not eating well. Different, fresh foods every single day. I'm working so hard to make sure that they (he) can see that eating yummy food doesn't mean that it needs to be fried, covered with cheese, or doused with cream. *sigh* I find it really tough to be around him when he talks that way, and he knows it bugs me. Mom & D understand my frustration, but there's really nothing to say to dad. After dinner I lost my temper a bit and said - You can stay in this house for as long as you want, but I tell you, if you mess with my food and talk about unhealthy eating habits, I'll kick you out.

Of course I would never kick him out ... and I did feel guilty for saying it ... but I gotta admit I felt a little better after getting it off my chest too.

Does that make me a horrible daughter?

Blah. Feeling like shit. 

A Bit of Movement & A Bit of Rest

I hate it when I sleep in a little (until 8 am) on the weekends and I wake up still feeling tired. I guess I could have slept more, but I also knew I had a few tasks to tackle today. So, up and at 'em. Did a few errands and then headed to the gym.

My workout goal for the day was to do some cardio. I haven't been doing nearly enough cardio lately and I need to work on getting more hours in. What I really wanted to do today was Zumba. I haven't been to Zumba class in ages, and I really felt that with all the stress of everything that's been going on, shaking it out to some good Latin beats is what I needed.

I put on my Zumba shoes and my 'Show me Some Zumba Love' t-shirt and was ready to go. When the instructor saw me she was like - OMG. I hope enough people show up for the class!! - Lately, they haven't been having enough people to hold classes (they need at least 3). This is what happens when summer rolls around. People are either on vacation or they'd rather be lounging by the pool than sweating it out in the studio. So I had to wait and see if anybody else would show up.

I got on the treadmill and completed 2 km before she came to get me to tell me we had 3 people - Hooray! :) It was a good class - a bit strange with only 3 of us there, but I didn't care. I just wanted to shake off all the stress I've been feeling lately and have some fun - definitely a great way to burn some calories :)

Got home, had lunch, and then took a lovely almost 2-hr nap on the sofa  and watched Wimbledon. It was a good Friday for me!

Humanity WOD

Today's CrossFit workout was part of a joint effort with other CrossFit Boxes to raise awareness of the atrocities of human trafficking.

When I heard about the WOD I was really excited to be part of a bigger community event. It's one of the things I like about being part of a team.

The workout was - 27 minutes of as many rounds as possible:
10 power cleans, 10 front squats, and 10 push jerks -- with ascending burpees after each round (e.g. 1 burpee after round 1, 2 burpees after round 2 etc.)
I completed 9 rounds in the 27 minutes with a 20 kg (44 lb) bar.

I was wiped out by the end of it, but man it felt good!!

Before we got to the WOD we practiced box jumps. I told our coach yesterday that I was really unhappy with the fact that I couldn't do the double box jump. So she happily obliged by making today's skill about improving our box jumps.

We started with 1 box and then added weight plates (about 3 inches in height) after successfully completing a set number of jumps. I got up to adding 4 plates - so close to the height of 2 boxes -- so then I said, ok - let me try the double box. Approach. Set stance. Fail. Ugh!!

She had me go back to the 4 plate + box and jump and then immediately go to the double boxes - Approach. Set stance. Fail. DAMN!!

It was so frustrating. Once the mind takes over it is so hard to push past it ... still, I did so much better than yesterday. I was happy with my progress - looking forward to being ecstatic with success soon!!

Mind Games

I had another hectic morning of errands to run. Still dealing with the craziness of mom's papers. Today we walked around for ages in 55 C degree heat (125 F). It was not fun ... plus there was no good news. We both came home completely deflated.

As soon as I got home I really thought that I wouldn't be able to motivate myself to go to CrossFit. I love the classes, but the sessions are really intense. Plus I want to give it my all when I go there. However, I also knew that I would be really disappointed in myself if I didn't go.

So, at 3:30 I left the house and headed over to the Box. {CrossFit workout studios are called CrossFit Boxes.}

Warm-up
5-min jump rope
3 rounds of 10 pull-ups, 10 squats, 10 push-ups

Strength focus
Overhead squats - reps: 20, 15, 10, 8, 5, 4, 3, 3, 3
My set of 20 was just with a non-weighted bar. For the rest I lifted 20 kg - really challenging keeping your balance as you both squat and push the weight over your head! For the last 3 sets I lifted 25 kg. It got better as I went along. It really has so much to do with focus -- you need to concentrate and push yourself -- so much of this has to do with mental strength!

WOD - 7 min, AMRAP
Start with 3 reps then increase by 3 for each set (3, 6, 9 etc.) - alternating dead lift high pulls (I used the 20 kg bar) and box jumps. I completed 5 1/2 rounds.

A word about box jumps --

Jumping of any kind is tough for me, but I try it and I want to improve.
Today we did box jumps -- so far I've just been jumping the single box; today I approached the double box. I wanted to start it before we began the WOD. Two of the other girls in the CrossFit group showed me how it was done - they made it look so easy. Then it was my turn ...

Approach - hesitate - fail.
Approach - hesitate - fail.
Tell myself - It's all in your head, at least try it. Don't hesitate.
Approach - hesitate - fail.

Ugh.

I want to be able to jump the double box. I guess it's going to come down to both practice and self-confidence. The hesitation is what kills me. It's just like I was writing about yesterday - the mental struggle really weighs me down. There's no doubt that it's challenging, but perhaps the level of intimidation wouldn't be as high if my mind would just switch off!

Glad I made it to CrossFit though - my legs feel like jelly after over 100 squats in today's whole workout - but it's a good jelly feeling :)

One Day to the Next

You know how yesterday I decided to just go with the flow and relax at home with my parents ... well, today was the opposite when it came to relaxation.

I was up and out of the house at 7:45 a.m. getting errands done. I picked my parents up at 9 a.m. and then started off to try and get mom's paperwork sorted out some more ... it was insanely stressful and tedious and we didn't get anything done. In fact, more obstacles were put our way. By the time we got home at 12 p.m. we were all wiped out and demoralized.

I had a quick lunch - my summer salad (it's so filling and refreshing) - made the same for my parents but wrapped them (with love) in a jalapeno-cilantro tortilla to give them a more fulfilling lunch (my dad doesn't think a salad on its own is a proper meal lol). Then we headed out to do one more errand.

By the time I got home, I was so tired and drained ... I really did want to go to the gym, but I was having difficulty finding the strength to actually move. Plus as we were headed home Mom asked me to stay back because she was enjoying the time with me ... dilemma!

I knew that if I didn't go to the gym I'd feel really, really bad. I feel like I'm so behind on my fitness goals for this summer that taking a day off wasn't really an option. So, I told her I'd just do a quick workout and then head home. Of course she was fine with it - though I still felt guilty after I left the house.

I am so behind my C25K routine! I knew that that was what I should be doing at the gym today, but I couldn't bring myself to do it -- I didn't feel like running and of course the idea of the first 3-min straight run was intimidating me beyond belief.

So, I got on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I really did not feel like being there. I was uninterested in walking and even my music wasn't helping me pick up my step. However, as I reached minute 16, I started to feel a bit better. I finished 3 km and then decided, y'know what, I'm going to start Week 3. I can't put it off any longer. If I want to run the 10 km I've got to push through this mental block.

I went upstairs to the women's only section of the gym (I like the privacy when I'm running because I feel so self-conscious and unsure about my running) and started.

It went fine. The most difficult thing for me to deal with was the constant mental struggle - battling the 'you can do this' and 'OMG I want to stop' voices.

I wish my mind would just shut up!

Anyway.

I did it! It went well. I didn't feel terribly winded or anything. I just followed the program and got it done. Gosh - I can be such a drama queen! I hope I don't freak myself out when it comes to doing Day 2! {Full C25K progress reports here}

Precious Moments

I had a plan for today - a workout to complete, a few errands to run, a bit of work to do, and a paper to finish up writing for publication ... busy day ahead for me.

I got none of it done.

I decided to linger at home a bit in the morning and have breakfast with my parents instead of heading straight the the gym. I know I should have gone first thing, but we had a late night the night before watching the Euro 2012 final match {Italy lost, *sob* :(} and I was just generally tired from Saturday's intense CrossFit session followed by yesterday's boxing ... so I figured, rest now, maybe gym later {big mistake, it rarely happens}.

After having breakfast with them I was outlining my plan with my mom and she said 'Don't go, stay and watch a movie with me.'

How could I resist?

It was at that moment that I realized - as chaotic and stressful this may be, this was actually an opportunity to spend some quality time with my parents. Something that I didn't really get to do much over the past few years because of my PhD stress. Now I have them to myself, in my home - I can take care of them before they leave Kuwait forever -- I have been blessed to have these precious moments with my parents, something that would not have happened otherwise. Instead, they would have left Kuwait in that rush/stress of moving/packing and they would have landed in Bangladesh and fallen straight into a hectic routine.

Yes. This stressful situation is going to be turned into a blessing indeed.

I put my errands aside, thought I'll make up the workout at some other point, and emailed the journal editors and apologized for not submitting my paper ... and that was that.

Mom and I curled up on the sofa and watched The Blind Side - one of my favorite movies. I tell you, from the moment the movie starts my heart just wells and I want to adopt/take in every needy/neglected child in the world - I'm such a sap lol.

We ran an errand together in the afternoon and just chillaxed the rest of the day.

The meals have been going well so far - lots of salads and low fat wraps - turkey, chicken, tuna. It's been lot of time prepping for 4 people (and washing up after 4 people) but it's going much better than expected. Taking control of the kitchen has been a good strategy so far (though I wonder how long my dad can resist his urge to cook!).

Adjusting and SSSD Update

It's July 1st - can you believe it? I really thought I'd have accomplished so much more by this point, but live seems to have thrown me many curveballs. I've been swinging at them to the best of my ability but now I'm really ready for a time out. Actually, what I need is the time to get back to my life and all the plans I had set out for me for this summer.

So, my parents moved into the apartment last night. It all went relatively smoothly though I have to admit it feels a bit strange having them here. Still, it's all good. They're comfortable and that's all that matters to me.

So, it's the beginning of the month. I have just about 3 weeks until I travel again and I have tons to do before then - lots of writing, organizing, dieting, and working out ... feeling stressed again! Will this ever subside? Anyway.

The first thing I did this morning was head to the gym. I needed some time to just focus on myself. As much as I love the CrossFit community and working out as a team, there are some times when I just need some space. I got just that as I put on my boxing gloves and attacked the bag for an hour. It was intense and I loved it! What a great way to relieve some stress!

I followed my boxing with a few assisted pull ups (gotta improve that for CrossFit), some back stretches, and then 2.5 km on the treadmill. I should have done Day 1 of Week 3 of C25K but I was planning on going to the 10 a.m. Zumba class - it wasn't until I just finished my cardio that I found out it was cancelled ... will have to start Week 3 tomorrow. I can't put it off forever!

So, here's my SSSD Challenge update  for week 3:
I weighed in and was exactly the same as 2 weeks ago (didn't weigh in last week). I know I burned lots of calories, but the lack of weight loss just reminds me how important watching what I eat is to actually dropping the pounds.

Drink at least 100 oz. of water - no problem here! I drink tons of water on a daily basis. I have no cravings for any other drink except water. I think I'm lucky in that way as I hear of/read about a lot of people who can't kick the soda (diet or otherwise) habit. I do have a soda once in a while, and by once in a while I mean maybe 4 a year so I never really fret if I have one as 99% of all my other fluid intake is water. I'd say the 1% was comprised of tea/coffee and maybe fruit juice - but I know that I'd much rather eat my (healthy) calories than drink them!

Post a healthy recipe - I posted two this week (cauliflower soup and Mexican bean salad). You can find other links to recipes I've tried and liked over here.

Last week (yes, I'm behind), I didn't really have a new exercise to post, but this week I tried tire flips for the first time, and I loved them!! I also did the CrossFit workouts FRAN and BARBARA for the first time, OMG, tough but fabulous too!

As for this week ... well, I was hoping to have more control over my time/routine/schedule, but it seems like I have even less this week with my parents (who are car-less) are staying at my place. Still, I'll do the best I can. I think the challenge of losing 2 lbs this week is a good one at this point in time because I really, really need to be careful of what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and of course how much I'm exercising. I know I should be doing that anyway, but let's be honest - maintaining a consistent disciplined routine is hard!

So, this week's goals:
1. Not to let the stress of not having a fixed routine get me down and lead to bingeing
2. Do at least 5 workouts of some sort
3. Back to tracking
4. Keep the 2 lb loss target in mind at all times and think - Do I need to eat that? Can I be moving instead of sitting? - at all times.

I guess no specific goals for this week. I'm just trying to get through this disruption in my routine without adding a disruption to the scale.

Oh, and a reply to those of you who have commented on/emailed about my recent posts --
- Thanks for the best wishes regarding my parents' move!
- I've since added another 5 pairs to my give away collection {grand total of 45}. I know some of your are already surprised at the number ... but I have another 200 in my closet (well, 198 now)! I told you I was a shoe addict!
- I'm glad I'm not alone with my fear and loathing of burpees!!

Have a great week everyone!