Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Cry for Relief
I had every intention of going to the gym this morning for one last holiday workout before starting off on my string of train rides (which I'm starting to get quite sick of) but my body had other plans. The soreness started to set in last night after all the traveling and running around in the rain. It wasn't just my legs that were sore, it was my whole body ... and my mind.
I didn't sleep well last night as I was preoccupied with all the events of yesterday - both my mock viva and all the news I got at the doctor's office. I feel very overwhelmed. I went through pretty much the whole day feeling numb, and then, of all the times to happen, a few tears escaped while I was sitting and talking to my supervisor. I didn't expect that to happen. I was holding everything in, just waiting until I was at the airport/on the plane so that I could actually have a few moments to myself to process everything ... but I guess that's life, isn't it?
I don't remember exactly what happened or what prompted it, but all I can remember is me dabbing my eyes and muttering to myself 'I'm going to be ok. I'm going to be ok.' I realize now that I was repeating that phrase trying to convince myself and not my supervisor that I was going to be ok. Am I? I'm not sure.
I feel like I've spent so much of the past year (few years?) just trying to get through each day. One step at a time. Keep moving. Keep pushing. It's all taking such a lot of effort - is it all supposed to be this hard? I'm just trying to figure out how much more can happen? Yes, I can deal with things. Yes, I am strong. Fine. But still. It's not easy. Getting through each day doesn't mean that I have processed it all; it doesn't meant that I'm ok with what's happening around me.
Anyway ... I'm sitting here at Heathrow Airport trying to figure out my next step. I know I make it sound like it's just been one drama after another and I haven't been enjoying life ... that's not true. What I do think has been happening is that I haven't taken the time to appreciate the good times ... and I haven't been giving myself enough time to process the more challenging times ... so what happens is something like today - when all of a sudden the vulnerability hits and I can't help those falling tears.
I think I need to give myself a bit of breathing room. I need to figure out how to maximize the time and effort I'm putting into my work/work outs in a way that doesn't burn me out and in a way that allows me to actually enjoy what I'm doing rather than just move forward on autopilot. It may help ease some of the pressure that I've been putting on myself ... I'm not sure if it'll work or if I'll be able to do this ... but it's something I'll think about during my flight.
I can't wait to get back to warmer weather, my Mac, and the gym!!