Thursday, September 15, 2011
A few hours after I posted yesterday's entry, I started to feel really down. I could see where my negative thoughts were going to take me and I really tried to control them, but it didn't work. This is not the first time when I've felt a crash i n emotions after a really good workout - or usually a really good few weeks of working out ... it's the frustration that sets in. It's the 'I can't believe I work this hard and I still look the way I do.' It's the fact that a lot of times I don't tell people how much I exercise because I'm embarrassed that I workout for hours and I am still so overweight.
How do you come to terms with those thoughts?
Over the past two years I have made a very conscious effort to change not only my behaviors, but also my thought patterns. Achieving this was not easy, and finding the right balance was even harder. Still, I started with cutting down my food portions and upping the exercise. I reached a point where I was barely eating 1,000 calories a day (there may have been a few days where I barely hit over 500) and I was exercising almost obsessively - 3 hours was minimum (some days I went up to 6 hours). I now know that the way i was behaving was unhealthy, but I definitely chose to ignore it at the time.
I did not work on my thought patterns at all. I had one goal - lose weight, and I was going to do it no matter what.
It was through that obsessiveness that I lost 22 kg (around 48 lbs) in 15 months. I felt great about losing the weight. I felt great about buying clothes that were smaller in size. I felt great about the reactions I was getting from others towards my weight loss ... However, I don't think I actually felt great about myself ... y'know, inside my head, inside my body. It was just a physical change ...
..... and sure enough, the weight started to come back. Not too much, but enough to make me start to panic.
By this time the pressure of my PhD was increasing, my stress levels were through the roof, my sleep was practically non-existent. I was still controlling my calories (around 1,100-1,300 a day) and I was still exercising - but everything was forced. I didn't enjoy my food. I enjoyed working out, but now with the same amount of enthusiasm or energy as before ... that's when I hit my plateau.
I managed to lose some of the weight I had gained, but then I hit a certain point and I was just stuck ... and I'm still stuck there. I'm almost 7 kg heavier than I was at my 'lightest' back in July 2010. I have not been able to come down. I'm still bloody stuck.
It's frustrating. Have I made progress? Yes. I've lost some weight. I've lost some inches. I've definitely gained muscle (which I know weighs more). I've reevaluated my eating and am focusing more on nutrition vs. calories (though still counting). I'm working on the mental aspect of this whole process, but I feel like I'm failing miserably.
I just feel stuck.