The discussion went really well. All that worry for nothing.
Then of course there was my keynote speech this afternoon. As the time approached for my presentation, my heart was pounding louder and louder. I just wanted to throw up. Once again as I climbed the hill I just wanted to run. What if I forget my presentation? Suppose I suck? This feels like way too much pressure.
By the end of it, I felt so relieved. I think I spoke a bit too quickly but other than that, it went well. I handled all the questions well, and I received many compliments both about my presentation content and style. Relief. So why is it that I freak myself out so much?
My gut instinct seems to always be flight. Run. Escape. You can't do this. You've bitten off more than you can chew. Loser. Doesn't that sound awful?
If you've been following my blog, you can probably notice this pattern even in the way I approach weight loss. New exercises intimidate me. Fear of failure haunts me. Feelings of self-doubt and incompetence overwhelm me. It's exhausting.
I'm happy (and even a little proud) that even though flight is my gut instinct, I always fight. Always. You'd think after all these years I would ignore the flight aspect and just focus on the fight, but it's not that easy.
I hope that one day FIGHT becomes my gut instinct and I develop the confidence and self-appreciation to allow myself to enjoy my experiences instead of keep looking at them with fear.