Thursday, August 4, 2011

Battling those Demons

I woke up in the middle of the night with a start - I was drenched in sweat and my was heart racing ... The images from the nightmare I just had were still fresh in my mind and so were the feelings that accompanied them. I got out of bed and went to walk around the apartment a bit and splash some water on my face to cool down. I had to wonder why? Why did I have a nightmare tonight? I haven't had one in such a long time (and I did go through a few phases where I would have nightmares night after night).

It wasn't a scary dream, but rather an emotional one. I was being abandoned and rejected by all those around me (in various ways) and was just feeling alone. It was a haunting feeling.

It wasn't until later in the day when I was talking to MC that I realized why it had happened. A huge part of this whole journey to health and happiness has to do with dealing with those emotional triggers and mental obstacles that have prevented me/caused me to be where I am today. I know that eventually I will have to openly deal with these factors - but I've never been that type of person who is really honest with herself. I'd rather just sweep things under the carpet and wait for the feelings/emotions/thoughts to pass.

I do know, however, that that's not the way to go. I have to be able to forgive and forget. I have to deal with all the negativity that has been a part of my past and just let it go. But that's easier said than done ... anyway. I think that just putting myself in that situation - of acknowledging that I need to do this emotional/psychological cleansing has unleashed some of those mental demons. So even though I'm not consciously ready to deal with them, apparently my subconscious is unearthing them during the night.

I haven't come up with any solutions yet, but I am relieved to have pinpointed what I believe to be the source of the nightmare. Change doesn't happen overnight, but I do feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction.

On a more positive note:
I had another good day at the gym. Today was my easy day - just half an hour of HIIT on the treadmill. I've upped my sprint times to 10 km/hr (again with the constant mantra - I know I can, I know I can), and it felt great. I can definitely feel myself getting stronger. I mean part of why my cardio is getting better I think is directly related to my legs getting stronger. Anyway. I'm feeling positive about the program so far and I think I really needed that in order to keep my motivation for the next two weeks. I leave for London exactly two weeks from today - there's lots of work to be done!

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